“What does that make me, then?”
“You, my dear, were very young and very vulnerable when he got his hooks into you. I bet nothing your mother would have said would have convinced you otherwise.”
“Exactly.”
“It’s alright to be upset about the past and what he put you through, but it’s not okay to beat yourself up over it. He preyed on you. He conned you, pure and simple. Even the smartest people in the world get conned, honey.”
Zack astounded me. With just a few hours of talking, he had nailed who Randall was and got me to understand that none of it was my fault. This had happened to me, not because of me. That was such a huge relief right there.
“What happened after the wedding?”
Zack pulled me out of my introspection and nodded for me to continue.
“After our ‘wedding’ in the town hall, Randall had an office party where he was going to introduce me to all his friends from work. We figured the best thing for me to do was meet him at the party, instead of him getting out of work early just to come pick me up.”
“Real charmer, that one.”
I grinned back at his snide remark. If only he knew.
“I thought that since we didn’t get a honeymoon, I would book a room for us to enjoy after the party. We wouldn’t want to drive, anyway, so this was an excellent opportunity to show off my assistant skills so he could see how valuable I’d be as his wife. I mingled at the party and enjoyed myself, introducing myself as Randall’s bride. I really loved the reactions I was getting from the senior partners, who told me how lucky he was to have such a well-educated young woman by his side.”
“When I was talking with Randall’s boss, I felt an arm wrap around my waist. It was the first time he had ever showed a real display of public affection toward me, and it made me feel so giddy inside. Once Randall’s boss excused himself, Randall came real close for a hug and what I thought would be a kiss—only it wasn’t a kiss. It was a threat whispered into my ear instead. When he tightened his arm around my midsection, I let out a yelp in surprise, causing those around us to look over.”
“There were other threats, too, but I’m not going to go into too much detail. I don’t want to completely melt down and stop telling you the story, but I will say that the threats and assault didn’t stop there. He was furious with me for making the reservation, angry with me for mingling with his coworkers, and even more incensed at the outfit I wore. He called me names in nasty whispers that only I could hear. He had no intention of letting anyone at the party believe anything other than the façade that we were a happy couple just married.
“By the end of the night, I had no intention of a ‘honeymoon’ or to even continue on with the marriage, but Randall refused to release my arm until we made it to the room upstairs from the party. He was so enraged by then that he just threw me into the room once he opened the door. I landed hard on the desk that sat just on the other side of the door, bruising my chest before I even fell to the ground. I cried out when he yanked me up by the hair, and screamed when he ripped my dress off me. He beat me with his belt until I was bleeding. That’s when the phone rang from the hotel lobby. Someone was calling about the screams from the room. I tried to crawl away from him, but he grabbed me by the ankles and pulled me toward him with his index finger against his lip to let me know to be quiet. I just shook as he talked with the concierge. He played it off as a movie that was too loud, and agreed to turn it down. He apologized for the noise and promised there wouldn’t be any more disturbances.”
“How did he intend to live up to that promise?”
“I really don’t want to say.”
Tears spilled onto my lap as I recalled exactly how he lived up to that promise. I had no intention of telling Zack those horrors. The thunderous look on his face now had me worried about whether I should continue at all.
It was hard to tell someone you loved about the burdens of your past, especially when those burdens were so damaging to so many people. I wanted him to understand, but I was also desperate for him not to look at me as a victim. I was a survivor.
“You’re stronger than you realize.”
I didn’t acknowledge his words. I didn’t see myself that way at all, so for him to say it was not something I wanted to hear when I was feeling so rare and vulnerable.
“Do you want to continue?”
“Do you want me to continue?”
“I know how hard this is for you, and I don’t want to push you, but we need to talk about this so we can fix it together.”
“I know, and that’s why I’ll continue. For you, and only for you. After this, though, I’m done. I’m done talking about it. I’m done reliving it, other than the flashbacks I have no control over.”
“Those will fade in time, honey.”
“I don’t know if they will. I just know it’s all I can do to deal with them in the present. Worrying about what may happen in the future is futile to me right now. I need to live day by day to survive.”
“You’re not alone anymore, and we will deal with it together.”
I wasn’t sure if I was reassured or extremely troubled by that. What if, after a while of dealing with it, he became so annoyed by it all that he left me?
“That won’t happen, you know.”
“What won’t?”
“Me leaving because of what you are going through.”
“How do you know, though? How could you possibly be so sure about something that may never stop happening to me…to us?”
I was getting increasingly upset that he was taking this so easily. I’d lived with the carnage every day, in one way or another, and he believed that this wasn’t a big deal? Getting up from the couch, I walked to the kitchen to refill my wine. Maybe I also needed some time apart to contemplate what he’d said. After a few moments—drink in hand—I made my way back to the living room, fuming. Nope, I definitely wasn’t overreacting, and he wasn’t reacting enough!
“Look, Katie…”
I snapped.
“No, you look! I have no idea what you think I go through, but I must say it’s no cakewalk, honey. How dare you make light of my situation. I can’t believe you, you son of a bitch!”
“Katie, wait! Give me a moment…”
“Give you a what? A moment? Why? So you can reflect on all the stupid shit you just said to me? How dare you!”
I was so mad I could spit nails.
“Now hold on for one minute!”
He snapped and I was so shocked he yelled. I’d never thought he had it in him.
“I’m having a hard-enough time listening to everything you went through without pulling you into my arms and never letting you out of my sight for the rest of our lives, so for you to think I don’t get what you’re going through… Fuck!”
“Katie, don’t you get it? I understand what you are going through. I may not have experienced it myself, but I understand just from what I’ve seen you go through the last few years. I’ve been close enough to witness it firsthand, so for you to tell me I don’t get what you’re going through or to imply that I wouldn’t be able to take this on with you pisses me right the fuck off!”
Breathing rapidly as though he just ran a marathon, Zack combed his fingers through his hair as he pondered what to say next.
“And another thing! I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. When the fuck are you going to get it through that stubborn head of yours?”
We were both breathing hard when we finally looked at each another from opposite sides of the room. I was stunned when he walked up to me without saying a word and grabbed me, pulling me against his chest. Then he kissed me senseless. I became lost in his lips. They were firm yet yielding to my tongue. I slid it across his bottom lip and he opened his inviting mouth for me to enter. I wanted to climb into his welcoming arms, a place where I knew I would be safe from all the harm that could ever come to me. I loved how he pulled me into the kiss as our tongues tangled together.
I
was so lost in desire that I didn’t realize he was pulling us onto the couch until the cushion hit my ass and my legs made contact. Then his hands slid below my shirt as mine slid under his jeans. He hissed as my hands firmly took hold of his ass, feeling as his muscles pulled together from my touch. I wanted him more than my next breath, but I heard him say in the back of my mind that we needed to table this passion session until we’d finished our conversation. He must have been thinking the same thing, because he pulled away suddenly, still panting, with hooded eyes watching my every move under his body. Resting his head against mine, we smiled as though we’d been caught by our parents making out on the sofa.
“Please continue with your story.”
He struggled to say it as we moved to the cushions on the far ends of the couch. My body wanted to continue what we had started, but I knew he was right: we needed to finish this discussion so we could take our relationship in a positive direction, without the hindrance of past burdens pulling us apart.
“Where was I?”
I needed to regain my strength for this discussion and make sure we were on the same page.
“He beat you in the motel room.”
“Suite.”
“What?”
“It was a suite.”
“Does it matter? Christ! He hurt you! I don’t give a shit if it was a regular room or a suite. He hurt my girl, and I could kill him for it.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t continue.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t.”
He just sat still for a moment, not realizing what he’d said until after he’d said it.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No, I have to know this for us, but I can want not to hear it. Do you know what I mean?”
I did know what he meant. I didn’t want to hear this story, either, and I was the one who’d lived through it.
“I know exactly what you mean. Should I continue, though? I don’t want you more traumatized than you already are.”
He seemed taken aback about my concern for his well-being.
“This happened to you, and you’re worried about me?”
“Well, frankly, yes.”
“Honey, I’m more worried about you reliving it than me dealing with whatever happened to you. The past we can deal with. The future is what makes us hopeful that the past won’t repeat itself. Does that make sense?”
It did to me. Zack was completely embracing our future while I coped with my past. It was comforting to know that the future and past were nowhere near alike. It gave me the strength to tell the rest of my story.
“I can handle it, hopefully. Besides, together we can deal with anything, right?’
“That’s right. Together.”
I moved to sit closer to him for the strength he gave me when we were together. It was how I knew that I could continue recalling of the horrors of my past.
“After the phone call, Randall just left, and I was so relieved to be free of him. I could barely move the pain was so intense, but I somehow made my way to the bathroom, where I was able to clean myself up. I secured the room with the bolts on the one side of the door because I discovered that he’d left with both sets of keys. I was terrified he’s come back to finish what he’d started. After a few hours, he didn’t return, and I fell asleep on my stomach with cool towels on my wounds. The night dragged on as I tried to sleep, but I would be woken by the pain until about three in the morning. That was when I phoned Justin for some help.”
“I bet your brother wanted to kill him when he found out what happened.”
“Oh, yeah. I couldn’t avoid telling him, because I needed his help so I could get some rest. I was so tired from the pain that I could barely stand it. The thought of moving to go to the hospital was not an option, so calling him was the next best thing. When he got there, though, and I explained what had happened, he was pissed as hell, threatening to call the cops. I had to sidetrack him to get him to give me the pain meds before he did, though, so I could relax enough before they got to the hotel room. Suite. Whatever it was.”
“Did the cops come?”
“No.”
“No? What the fuck do you mean, no?”
With his brows pulled together, you could almost see the steam leaving his ears when he asked the question.
“Randall knew the cops, and he paid them off. I didn’t know it at the time, but this wasn’t the first time he’d beat a woman to the point of calling the police.”
“Sweetheart, you should really just call the cops whenever it starts.”
“Yes, I get that now, and I did then, but when we found out I was on my own and that I was married to a monster, Justin decided that we needed to come up with a plan so as to not get me killed in the process.”
“You thought it would come to that?”
“Justin thought it would. I wasn’t so sure, but he had seen this so many times from working at the hospital that he figured we had already made the mistake of contacting the police that were in Randall’s pocket, so now we only had a few options left available to us.”
“What happened next?”
“Justin had to leave before Randall returned.”
“Jesus, he just left you there alone?”
“What choice did we have? At the time, there wasn’t anything I could do to get out of the situation without pulling my family into my mess, and we didn’t have a plan that would be safe enough to get me out. Though, when I think about it now I wonder if Justin realized that it would take as long as it did before he was able to get me out.”
“I’m sure he wasn’t thinking it would take long at all, otherwise I’m sure he would have taken you with him right then.”
“He thought that since the cops had found out what had happened, Randall would be more concerned with them watching him than he would be with hurting me. I didn’t realize then that he would have different ways of getting what he wanted.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, when Randall returned to the room that night, he brought flowers, crying his apologies to me and trying to make it sound as though I’d brought it on myself.”
At this, Zack jumped from the couch, pulsating with an anger that throbbed from the vein in his neck. I just watched as he paced the room, waiting to hear the next part of the story.
“I didn’t believe him for a moment. No way would he not try to hurt me again, so I decided that when he gave me a chance to flee, I would, in a heartbeat. I didn’t realize what he was up to until I tried to escape a few days later, though.”
Standing, I walked the length of the room to the fireplace. Sitting was no longer an option as I recounted my horrors.
“We left the hotel to go back to Randall’s place. I had moved all my belongings there several days before the wedding, and was just going to unpack after the party, so everything I owned was still in boxes just inside the garage of the house. I never really got a chance to go inside until we came back to the house from the hotel. It was a real shock when we stepped inside and I found children living there.”
“What the fuck? Children? Not just a kid, but more than a few? Whose kids were they, anyway? And were they abused, too?”
“Randall had never told me that he’d had a few wives before me. And somehow, the kids were all under his sole custody.”
“No fuckin’ way!”
“Yep. He was able to gain undisputed sole custody from his wives shortly after the divorce proceedings. And no, the kids were never harmed, as far as I know.”
“So, you were what? Their new mommy?”
“Ah, no.”
Randall had never let me get that close to any of them.
“No? What were you, then?”
“You know, I don’t really know. I just know that I was the maid, tutor, and babysitter, but never really the mother figure of the family.”
“Wow, that’s fucked up.”
“No shit.”
“When I found out about the kids, I realized even more th
at I was stuck. In the beginning, I thought he had married me to be the mother for his kids, but that soon changed. But I’m getting ahead of myself. When we entered the house, I was immediately escorted into the far bedroom, secluded on the other side of the house. The master suite, he called it, but it was more like the torture room that was so remote that no one could hear my screams.”
“Oh, God, Katie.”
“He closed the door behind me and pushed me against it before he stripped me bare. I cried out in pain when my clothes brushed against my wounds, and he just laughed as he continued removing them. He really got off on the pain and suffering he put me through.”
“Katie, please stop. I can’t hear any more of this. I’m sure I get where this is going, and I know I need to hear this, but I just can’t do this anymore right now. I can’t listen to the story of someone torturing you.”
“Zack, it’s okay. I won’t go into any more detail, but I do need to finish this once and for all.”
“God, Katie, I’m so sorry you had to endure all of this.”
“Me, too, but I’m grateful I survived the experience, and that I have you now.”
“I’m grateful to have you now, too.”
As his chin rested on top of my head, I felt the tremor run through him as he took in my words. I was sure they were echoing over and over, as if he, too, was living through my nightmare.
“I stayed for the children at first, but when I realized he had no intention of them getting attached to me, I planned ways to escape. When I first ran and he caught me, the punishment was so severe that I broke several bones and had bruised ribs, even nearly puncturing a lung. When those healed and I tried to run again, he caught me just as I was about to clear the state line. I figured out then that he had someone watching me. And I forgot to mention that he knew about the hotel room before I mentioned it to him because he had someone watching my every move. Turns out he had several security people watching me for my so-called protection.”
“Some protection.”
“That’s for sure.”
“What about Justin?”
“Well, after the hotel room incident, he got together with my mom. I had no idea. The two of them planned an elaborate escape with legal precedence and everything for a quick divorce. They just had to have me to turn the plan into action.”
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