I shoved him. "You wouldn't dare!"
"Oh, but I would. You know Derrick would find it hilarious." Alex cleared his throat loudly and several apprentices looked over at him over the noon meal. "'I. Forgive. You,'" he declared in a high falsetto.
Several people snickered into their stew.
I put my hands on my head and Ian wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
"Let Ryiah be, Alex, I think we've all teased her enough – it's been over two months." Then he grinned. "After all… We. Forgive. You."
I lurched to my feet.
"Oh, Ryiah, we were only playing," the fourth-year began.
I raised a brow. "You tease me for the night I declare my love, yet I seem to remember you being rather enthusiastic when I was kissing you."
Ian's eyes twinkled mischievously. "That was a good night." He snorted. "Until Darren had to catch me in his arms."
I cringed. I had forgotten that last part.
Ever since that night I had avoided the prince at all costs. When our paths did accidentally cross in practice or passing I had made a point to show it was not anger but humiliation that kept me distant. I thought I'd played the part very well. No one was accusing me of being in love with Darren now.
"Ryiah!" Ella had arrived late to lunch and she was frowning. "You promised you would let me help you get ready for the solstice tonight – why are you still eating?"
That was today? I stared at her, horrified. I could not believe we had been at the Academy for almost three months.
"Come you." She grabbed my arm, dragging me away from the table to begin our elaborate dress. "You'll have plenty of time to flirt with Ian tonight."
****
Ella and I descended down the ballroom stair and I felt like royalty. "You want to look beautiful for the boy who loves you," was her justification for the dress that had cost me three month's apprentice wages. "You can always wear it when you are at court as a visiting mage. You'll need something fancy that goes with your new status." I shouldn't have listened. But the second we had entered the dressmaker's shop in Langli I had forgotten any protests I had.
Now I was entering the Academy ballroom in a sweeping dress fit for a princess with my hair done in long, soft curls - quite the opposite of current fashion but undeniably stunning in the mirror once I had seen Ella's creation. I didn't have any costly gems to adorn it like Priscilla and some of the other highborn girls, but I didn't need them – my scarlet red hair was enough of an accessory.
My dress was a striking maroon, a giant silk skirt with gold tissue-thin gauze beneath that sparkled whenever the light caught its movement. There were small gold-embroidered blossoms at the corset that flowered out into a deep, swooping neckline. It was a dress that up until my apprenticeship I had only dreamed of owning.
A sneering voice caught me as I reached the end of the stair. "Are you really wearing the dreadful thing without sleeves?"
I blushed. The dressmaker hadn't had quite enough time to finish the dress in the port, and after seeing the silhouette without I had decided to leave it unfinished. "I like it this way."
"You shouldn't. Only lowborn wenches expose their arms."
Ella stepped in to defend me against Priscilla. "We expose our arms every day in practice. Why should it matter while she's wearing a dress?"
"It's an insult to all highborns."
Ella rolled her eyes and then noticed Darren standing next to his betrothed. He had remained oddly quiet throughout the entire conversation. "Darren, you're a prince, is Ryiah's new fashion offending you?"
His eyes met mine and I thought I would die from the wait. He didn't say anything and I only grew more uncomfortable.
Ella sighed. "Well, it doesn't matter what either of you think. The court was wearing dead birds in their hair five years ago so clearly fashion is very subjective." She hooked her arm in mine, steering me away from the awkward silence.
When we met up with our escorts the boys' jaws dropped and when they finally seemed capable of talk they rushed off to bring us our drinks for the evening.
"Now that is how you greet a lady," Ella remarked, approvingly. Alex couldn't seem to look at her without blushing, and Ian kept staring until I thought I would crawl out of my skin.
Finally Ian overcame his shock and pulled me to the side, grinning wickedly down at me. "Do you remember how we met, Ryiah?"
I blushed. "Of course, you were so charming. You told me everything I wanted to hear."
"And then I kissed your hand for luck."
"And I said you'd probably done that to all the young ladies."
"And I told you it didn't make my gesture any less sincere."
I smiled up at him. "You always were a charmer. I can't believe I fell for you."
Ian glanced around the room to make sure the masters were occupied. Then he swiftly lifted my chin and kissed me – ignoring the shocked gasps around us as he pulled me into a long, ardent embrace. When he was done he released me with a chuckle. "Should have tried that when I met you."
I elbowed him, still a bit dizzy from the kiss. "I would have slapped you."
"It would have been worth it." Ian took me by the hand. "Are you ready to dance, my lady? And you can't use the same excuse you used when we met – I know Ella has been secretly teaching you the steps."
I giggled. "Then I guess I have no choice."
****
After many fast-paced dances with Ian the two of us returned to the benches where he brought back some refreshment. Alex and Ella joined us shortly after. I had just reached for my second glass when a shadow darkened the hand I was using to pour.
"Have you retired for the evening?"
My hand jerked and part of my juice spilled onto the floor – narrowly avoiding the hem of my dress. I looked up to find Darren watching me.
"Darren," Ian greeted the prince enthusiastically. The two of them were back to friendly terms after my public acceptance of his apology in camp. "Care to join us?"
Darren gave Ian a small smile. "No, I'm afraid I came here with a different purpose in mind."
"What a shame." Alex didn't look disappointed at all. "Well, then if you don't want to spend time with us maybe you can ask my sister to dance since-" He paused dramatically. "-She. Forgives. You." My twin burst into hysterical hoots.
I felt my face go up in flames as I glared at my brother – and Ian, who was no better, shaking and trying very hard not to laugh at my brother's joke.
"Your brother does make a good point."
My eyes shot to Darren whose eyes hadn't left my face. "Would you like to dance, Ryiah?"
"I." I froze, looking to Ian and Alex who were too busy laughing, and then Ella, who was too busy trying to get the stain out of her skirts from when Alex had knocked over his juice.
I swallowed. I wanted very much to say no…
But there was another part of me that wanted to say yes. It knew better, of course, but it was screaming too loudly to care. Yes, yes, yes. It was an idiotic, foolish notion – but it wouldn't go away.
You are going to regret this, the sane part of me warned.
I stood and let Darren lead, my hand in the nook of his arm as he led me to the center of the ballroom floor. People automatically parted in the wake of the prince and granted us extra space as was the custom for royalty. I was unaware of all the faces staring; my eyes were glued to the prince as he put one arm on my waist and reached up to put my hand on his shoulder.
"What dance is this?" I mumbled. The music hadn't started but I knew instinctively that Ella hadn't taught me the steps to the one he was about to begin.
"Don't worry," he said quietly, "I won't mind if you step on my feet."
All at once the music began and I didn't bother to wonder at how the musicians had timed their play to begin exactly when he moved my arm. I didn't stop to think about how everyone else was quiet, how the room seemed to sparkle and glow in a heady gold light as he led me forward and back. All I was aware of was his palm on the
small of my back and the way my skin burned hot beneath the dress as we moved.
Darren's second hand held mine in the air, and as we continued to travel across the floor it seemed so perfect, so easy for him to lead me through the series of fast and slow steps. And it felt right. It felt impossibly, ridiculously right.
The corner of his lip twitched. "I hope you didn't mind my asking you."
"Why would I mind?" I was distracted by his mouth.
Stop staring, Ryiah.
"You've been avoiding me."
I stumbled and tripped – but Darren caught me and turned it into a low, swooping dip. "I take back what I said to you about that dress in Mahj." He paused. "You should never take this one off."
I forced myself to swallow. "T-that's not very practical."
Darren brought me higher and held me upright, not moving, as he said, "There is nothing practical about the way you look tonight, Ryiah."
You are with Ian. I kept my eyes on the ground. Ian. Ian...
"Why are you saying this?" I had no memory of the dance. I let Darren spin and twirl me around the room lost in the beat of my thundering pulse.
The prince stiffened. "Because I am a fool... And you look beautiful. And I-" Darren made himself look at me. My heart stopped. "I just thought you should know."
Not Darren, I told myself repeatedly, desperately. Anyone but Darren.
"In Devon." I couldn't stop myself. "What did your brother say to you?"
The prince's jaw set. "Don't ask me something you don't really want the answer to." He dipped me again and when he pulled me to him his face was guarded. "Thank you for dancing with me, Ryiah. Even if you didn't want to."
Darren released me and I caught the scent wafting from his shirt – a mixture of pine and cloves that smelled so much like my home in Demsh'aa it brought tears to my eyes. But it wasn't just his smell, as soon as he released me I felt cold and numb and… empty.
I watched Darren walk away, cutting through the crowd to Priscilla who stood at its edge, glaring pointedly. I continued to stare, oblivious, until Ian found me.
"Are you feeling alright?" the fourth-year asked, anxiously. "You look flushed, Ryiah. Perhaps it's too hot in here…"
But what I was feeling had nothing to do with the room. The temperature could not make me feel like I was suffocating – like something was dying, like something was shattering, breaking into a million tiny pieces as Priscilla took the non-heir's hand in hers.
Ian pressed his palm to my forehead. "You should lie down. Would you like me to walk you to your chambers?"
"No." Did I really feel this empty all the time? Or was it just that Darren had made me feel whole? What was it that I had felt when he held me? Safe. Whole. Happy. But right now I couldn't remember any of those things with Ian.
What was wrong with me?
I swallowed, a hard lump lodged in the base of my throat. "You should stay and enjoy the rest of the evening with Alex and Ella."
"Are you sure?" A flash of confusion dashed across the boy's features but it was gone before I could place it. "Goodnight, Ryiah."
"Goodnight, Ian." I walked up the atrium steps in a haze, hardly conscious of Sjeka's beautiful sea as I passed the looming window to the second spiraling stair of the apprentice quarters.
As I continued the walk down the long, dark passage I forced myself to replay the dance in my head. It's an illusion. It's not real. What I feel is not real.
But it had felt real. And I had felt it before. But it wasn't fair, it wasn't right, it wasn't-
"Ryiah!"
I spun around – and my heart leaped out of my chest. Darren. He was running through the hall, toward me, seemingly uncaring as he knocked over an unlit sconce to the floor. I opened my mouth to tell him to leave or stay or go or any of those things but before I could get a word out he grabbed me and shoved me against the wall.
Then
He
Kissed
Me.
Wildly, possessively, with a hunger that stole the will from my limbs. He kept me up against the wall, kissing me like he couldn't fight any longer. Like he was me, fighting himself and losing to a fervor that would burn him alive.
A loud gasp escaped my lips and he deepened the assault. His hands slid into my hair and I felt myself crumble, sparks shooting across my scalp and my skin and my heart until I could hear nothing but the hammering of our pulse.
"I shouldn't have danced with you." His voice was hoarse, ragged. He looked at me and his eyes were two black stars, pulling me in and drowning me. "I knew I shouldn't and I asked you anyway."
My lips parted before I even realized what was happening.
And then: What was I doing?
"No." I shoved the non-heir away. How could I? What was I thinking? A wave of shame rolled through me. "Darren, this is wrong!"
"You can't fight this Ryiah." Darren's eyes met mine and held them. "Any more than I can." The third part was so quiet I almost missed it. "And believe me. I've tried."
I took a step back and realized he was still pinning me to the wall.
"Let me go."
"Is that what you really want?" His eyes were unreadable.
No. "Yes," was what I heard myself say.
Darren leaned in close, his mouth brushing my ear. "You are a terrible liar." Then he kissed me again. Slowly. Once. Twice. Soft moth's wing kisses that made my knees buckle and collapse right out from under me.
And then I was home.
Everything smelled of pine and cloves and him. There was a steady burn rising in me that I couldn't ignore. My whole body was in flames. I was losing myself in what it felt like to be near him. This was what I had wanted. This was what I was missing. This was what I needed.
"Ryiah." The word was barely a whisper. "Ryiah, I have wanted to do this for so long."
You aren't the only one. Before I could stop myself I had pulled him back to me. My lips hovered above his for just a second before I lost control. And then I kissed him. I kissed him in a way I had never kissed Ian: hungry, hot, angry, desperate, confused, in love, in madness. I kissed him with everything I had. Everything I hadn't wanted to let myself feel-
A loud clash came from the hall behind us as someone sneezed loudly. Darren and I broke apart and I saw the telltale flash of Lynn's straight black ponytail. I could see the sconce she had accidentally kicked in her soft-footed approach.
It took me a moment to figure out what had upset her. And then I remembered.
Ian.
The moment was shattered in less than a second.
"Ryiah, look at me."
Ian.
Darren touched my face and I turned away, hating myself for what I had just done to the boy I claimed to love. And the one I didn't want to love.
"Don't do this."
"This was a mistake," I heard myself say. "I'm not – you aren't yourself - we-"
"Ryiah." Darren's eyes burned crimson. "I'm not sorry."
****
I'm not sorry. Darren's words continued to echo across my thoughts as I raced down the corridor halls. Panic invaded everything I had worked so hard to build. I had to find Ian before Lynn got to him. I had to tell him that it didn't-
"Ryiah!" Ella and Alex found me as I stumbled down the stairwell. "What happened? Lynn just told Ian she needed to talk to him and when he declined she said…" Ella's hazel eyes took in the rest of my appearance: the tussled hair, the smeared rogue, the frayed ends on the back of my dress when Darren had shoved me against the wall.
"Ry." My twin's eyes were huge. "How could you?"
I spotted Ian stumbling out of the ballroom, Lynn running after him talking rapidly. The blood froze in my veins when he saw me. Pain flared in his eyes.
He immediately turned heel and headed in the opposite direction.
I ran after him, not caring that everyone in the atrium saw me as I dashed across the room in panic.
"Ian – wait! Please!"
The fourth-year turned, green eyes flashing.
"Don't follow me, Ryiah."
"Ian, Ian I'm sorry!" I couldn't speak. Tears were pouring down my face and I couldn't stop them as I stood shaking in the hall, begging him to stay.
Ian hesitated, and something slipped across his eyes as he looked back at me. "Who is it, Ryiah? Is it me? Or him?"
My breathing hitched and it felt impossible to speak. I knew which one I should say, but the last ten minutes could not be erased. No matter how much I wished they could. "I," I faltered. "I don't know."
"I hope you figure it out soon, Ryiah." He swallowed painfully. "Because my heart is breaking until you do."
I watched him go, hating myself.
"Ryiah."
Darren was watching me from the shadows.
"You did this!" I turned on him. "You always do this. You swoop in and ruin my life and then you run away leaving me to pick up the pieces! Haven't you done enough?"
His eyes stayed on my face. "Ryiah. I'm not running away. I'm in lo-"
"Don't!" I clapped my hand over his mouth, suddenly afraid. "Don't you dare say it!"
Darren stared down at me, two flames dancing across my vision. My hand trembled.
"You had your chance," I continued bitterly. "There was no one else and you chose her. Not me. Priscilla, Darren! You are still with her."
"Ryiah, it's not that simple!"
"But it should be!" I cried desperately. "It is with Ian!"
"Are you really in love with him?" Darren asked quietly.
My eyes stung and I forced myself to walk away. I was too afraid of what I might do if I stayed with the non-heir a moment longer.
"You don't love him." Darren's voice chased after me. Haunting me. "If you did, you wouldn't have kissed me back. Not like you did."
I didn't reply. I was too busy running away.
CHAPTER TEN
I liked misery. It was the only possible explanation for why after four weeks of awkward silence and long pauses there was still no answer to Ian's question. It was wrong to draw out my decision …but it seemed like every time Ian's name came to my lips I would remember Darren and a little part of me would shatter.
The Black Mage: Apprentice Page 14
