“Where’d she go?” I grumbled.
“Said something about needing to run some errands. You’re really fucking good at pushing people away, you know that?”
“You don’t say.”
I lowered myself onto the bed and eased myself back into a comfortable position.
“She seems really nice. Why are you being an asshole?”
I sighed, deciding there was no time like the present to lay it all out on the table. “I was planning on ending things with her. I just didn’t have the chance. She went off to visit her sister and then this shit happened.”
He snorted in amusement. “So, you’re gonna let her continue to show up here every day to take care of your grumpy ass when you have no intention of dating her ever again?”
“What the fuck do you want me to do? You want me to say thanks for stopping by, but this isn’t gonna work?”
“Why are you ending things, anyway?”
“She’s not cut out for this life. Don’t get me wrong, she’s great. Perfect even. But I can see it on her face every time I talk about work. It scares her. She’s even asked me if I would ever consider another job.”
“Ooh, that’s not good.”
“I figured that I would have to end it sooner rather than later. I mean, I could see it on her face when she first got here. She was scared as fuck.”
“That’s normal though. If she wasn’t scared because you got shot, I would say she’s not a very good girlfriend.”
“But I need someone that can handle this shit. I love my job and there’s no fucking way I’m giving it up. She needs a banker or a lawyer.”
“Someone boring, you mean,” Craig grinned.
“She totally freaked out the first time she saw my gun. She asked me to put it away in the safe for the night,” I said incredulously.
“How the fuck do you defend yourself if your gun is locked up? Someone breaks in and you’re like Hold on while I go get my gun from the safe. Then you enter the wrong password ten fucking times, and by then the burglar already has half your shit and your dick is blowing in the wind.”
“I know! Who the fuck doesn’t sleep with a gun under their pillow?”
“Crazy people,” Craig answered. “That’s who. So, when are you gonna do it?”
“I don’t know. Soon. I think they’re releasing me tomorrow. I have to do it before she decides to move in and take care of me.”
“No shit. It’s not like you can hide all the guns in your house from her. I mean, the machine gun above the fireplace would be a little hard to hide in the safe.”
“And if it’s not the guns, it’ll be the knives or the cannon.”
“You got a cannon?”
I shrugged. “I found one that was from the Civil War. Napoleon cannon. I wanted it. How the hell would I explain that to her?”
“Still working?”
“Of course,” I said, looking at him like he was an asshole. “What the fuck would I do with a non-functioning cannon.”
“What would you do with a functioning one?” he asked.
“In case there’s an attack. Those fuckers are badass.”
“They’re also really fucking slow to load and fire. When could you possibly need a cannon? Don’t get me wrong, I like it. It’s a good investment. But in reality, when would you say, Hmmm, I think I’ll use the cannon over the machine gun.”
“Really? I have one phrase for you. Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.”
“Alright, aside from the rare times that you might be able to use The Godfather as a reference, even though you didn’t use it the right way, when would you actually use a cannon?”
“There are plenty of times. Maybe when I find out the nosy neighbor is actually a spy. The cannonball disintegrates and I could load the shots with everyday shrapnel, making it virtually untraceable.”
“Right,” Craig nodded. “That is, until someone walks in your house and finds a fucking Napoleon cannon sitting in the middle of your fucking living room.”
“It’s not in the living room,” I grumbled. “It’s in my study.”
He rolled his eyes as he stood. “Either way, if she doesn’t like guns, she’s definitely not going to like a cannon in the middle of the house.”
“So, how do I break it off with her?”
“Well, you could always just show her the damn thing. If that doesn’t send her running, you’re fucked.”
Alec Page 4
