by Jen Campbell
CUSTOMER (bursts into the shop): You haven’t seen my ferret have you?
BOOKSELLER: No, I can’t say I have.
CUSTOMER: Right, well, if you do see him, please keep him safe.
BOOKSELLER: … Will do.
CUSTOMER: Can I pay with an Amazon gift card?
CUSTOMER: How many Sickles are there to a pound?
BOOKSELLER: I don’t know, why?
CUSTOMER: I want to set up an underground currency.
CUSTOMER (going through comics): Pfft. Look at all these so-called superheroes. Spiderman bitten by a spider, The Hulk getting all radioactive. I was bitten by my sister’s hamster when I was five but you don’t hear me going on about it!
LITTLE BOY (whispers): You should stock up on food.
BOOKSELLER: Should I?
LITTLE BOY: Yes.
BOOKSELLER: Why?
LITTLE BOY (seriously): The aliens are coming.
BOOKSELLER: … They are?
LITTLE BOY: Yes. ET is angry, and he wants revenge!
CUSTOMER: I can’t afford a gym membership. Would you mind if I came in here three or four times a week? I’d like to use your larger books to do some weight-lifting.
CUSTOMER: They say there’s a book inside all of us, don’t they?
BOOKSELLER: … They do say that.
CUSTOMER: How do I find mine? I think it’s hiding from me.
BOOKSELLER: … I don’t think you can really rush these things.
CUSTOMER (muttering to herself): I need a book x-ray. That’s what I need.
CUSTOMER: Do bookshops have talking books for hire?
BOOKSELLER: Well, we have audiobooks that you can buy.
CUSTOMER: No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t want a CD. I want a person. Someone who has learnt a book off by heart and will come to my house to read it out to me.
BOOKSELLER: … You mean like in Fahrenheit 451?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know what that is. I just want someone to come to my house and recite a book to me.
BOOKSELLER: We don’t offer services like that, I’m afraid.
CUSTOMER: Well, if you ever do, please let me know.
CUSTOMER: I had such a crush on Captain Hook when I was younger. Do you think this means I have unresolved issues?
(Phone rings)
BOOKSELLER: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Hi, am I speaking to a bookseller?
BOOKSELLER: You are indeed.
CUSTOMER: Great. Listen, I need you to help me with this crossword …
LITTLE BOY: Do you have any superpowers?
BOOKSELLER: Sadly, I don’t think I do. Do you?
LITTLE BOY (whispers): Yes. I can fly. But only when no one else is watching.
CUSTOMER: Am I your ten thousandth customer?
BOOKSELLER: … I don’t think so.
CUSTOMER: Oh. Damn. I thought that, if I was, you might give me a prize. Hmmm. I’ll come back later.
CUSTOMER: Where’s your Amazon section?
BOOKSELLER: … Are you looking for a book about the Amazon river?
CUSTOMER (exasperated): No. Not the river. Amazon. You know? Online. Where’s your section of books from there?
CUSTOMER: Where are your books on war?
BOOKSELLER: They’ll be in with history. Our history section is split up into British History, European History, American History and World History. Which war are you looking for, specifically?
CUSTOMER: I want a history of the ongoing war between werewolves and vampires.
BOOKSELLER: …
CUSTOMER: Where would I find that?
CUSTOMER: I want to get my girlfriend a book for her birthday but I don’t know if she already has it.
BOOKSELLER: OK.
CUSTOMER: Could you find out for me?
BOOKSELLER: … How?
CUSTOMER: Well, maybe you could call her and say that you’re doing a survey or something?
BOOKSELLER: …
CUSTOMER: You know, just lie and gain her trust and find out everything you can.
(It’s the end of the day, the lights are off in the bookshop, the closed sign is up. The bookseller is by the door, about to lock up, when a lady hurries into the shop)
BOOKSELLER: Hi, I’m sorry but we’re closed.
LADY: What? I’m on the phone (points to her phone).
BOOKSELLER: OK, but I’m afraid we’re closed.
LADY (into the phone): One sec, Mary. (She turns to the bookseller, annoyed) That’s OK; I don’t want any books, I just want to talk on the phone; it’s too loud outside.
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry but I really have to leave now; you’ll have to speak on the phone somewhere else.
LADY (curtly): You can just wait a minute while I finish my call. (Into the phone) Sorry about that, Mary … Yes, just some stupid girl who doesn’t want me to talk to you … Anyway, yes, as I was saying, I think we should probably get the blue sofa; it’ll match the wallpaper nicely …
CUSTOMER: Do you have a Christmas book about that, like, really famous baby?
CUSTOMER: Do you have any books signed by authors who are likely to die very soon? I’d like to make an investment.
CUSTOMER (to her daughter): What kind of book would you like, sweetie?
LITTLE GIRL: I’d like a book with cats and cows and dogs and geese and horses and antelopes AND centipedes, because they’re ALL my friends.
CUSTOMER: This book looks good. How can I watch it?
BOOKSELLER: Excuse me?
CUSTOMER: Where’s the film? Is it tucked inside the cover or something?
CUSTOMER (holding up a £25 book): Can I make you an offer of £1 for this book?
BOOKSELLER: … You can, but I won’t accept it.
CUSTOMER: This book’s in Russian; you’re not going to sell it.
BOOKSELLER: We have some Russian customers and collectors, and that book is rare.
CUSTOMER: But I don’t speak Russian – so I’m not going to pay £25 for it!
BOOKSELLER: … If you don’t speak Russian, then why do you want it?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know … It sort of looks nice.
CUSTOMER: My son’s getting married next week. Do you have a book to help me make sure it doesn’t rain on his big day? Some incantations or something?
(Drunken man bursts through the door, and stumbles inside)
DRUNKEN MAN (looking around in amazement): Dude. Your bookshop is, like, totally moving.
BOOKSELLER: …
DRUNKEN MAN: … Like, sideways. And in circles!
LITTLE GIRL: Hello. I’ve asked for lots of books for Christmas.
BOOKSELLER: That’s great! Books are wonderful presents.
LITTLE GIRL: Yes. I’ve written them all down in a list for Santa.
MOTHER: That’s right. Remember, when you’ve finished writing that list, give it to me and I’ll make sure Santa gets it.
LITTLE GIRL: It’s OK; I’ve already posted it.
MOTHER: … What?
LITTLE GIRL: I posted it on the way home from school.
MOTHER: … In the postbox?
LITTLE GIRL: Yeah! I didn’t know all of his address, but I’m sure he’ll find it. I’m excited!
MOTHER: …
LITTLE BOY: Look! Peter Rabbit!
FATHER: Rabbits belong in pies, son. Not in books.
CUSTOMER (whilst paying for a book): I have always wanted to marry a bookseller.
(Pause)
CUSTOMER: Do you fantasise about marrying one of your customers?
BOOKSELLER: …
(Customer walks into the bookshop and looks around admiringly)
CUSTOMER: I love old bookshops.
BOOKSELLER: Thank you.
CUSTOMER: I always think I might find something really good in them. You know, like a treasure chest owned by Victorian pirates. That’d be pretty cool.
(Phone rings)
BOOKSELLER: Hello, Ripping Yarns Bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Hi, am I talking to a real perso
n?
BOOKSELLER: Yep.
CUSTOMER: Not a recording machine?
BOOKSELLER: … No.
CUSTOMER: Prove it!
CUSTOMER: I’m bored. Can you recommend something for me?
BOOKSELLER: Sure, what kind of books do you like to read?
CUSTOMER: I don’t want to read a book! Didn’t you hear what I said? I’m BORED. I need something INTERESTING to do!
CUSTOMER: Urgh. Shakespeare. He’s everywhere, isn’t he? You can’t escape him. I wish he’d do us all a favour and just die already.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book on the war of 1066.
CUSTOMER’S FRIEND: When was that?
CUSTOMER: How much are your books?
BOOKSELLER: The prices are written in pencil inside each book.
CUSTOMER: But how much are they?
BOOKSELLER: They’re all different prices.
CUSTOMER: Why? They’re basically the same.
BOOKSELLER: Well–
CUSTOMER (interrupting): They’re all made of paper! They all have words!
LITTLE GIRL: I read a book last week called What Katy Did.
BOOKSELLER: Did you like it?
LITTLE GIRL: It was OK. I didn’t think it was very realistic, though. My name is Katy, and I haven’t done any of the things that the girl in the book has done.
CUSTOMER (Holding up a nineteenth century edition of Oliver Twist): Where’s the barcode on this? I want to price check it on my smart phone.
BOOKSELLER: … Barcodes didn’t exist back then.
CUSTOMER: Oh. Well, how am I supposed to find out if I can buy it cheaper somewhere else then?
BOOKSELLER: …
CUSTOMER: Could you look it up for me on your computer?
CUSTOMER: The Sheep-Pig? Is that some kind of mutant?
(A mother and her little boy come into the bookshop)
LITTLE BOY (looking around, astounded): Mummy … have we gone back in time?!
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a birthday present for a friend. She loves books.
BOOKSELLER: Great, I can help you look if you want?
CUSTOMER: Thanks. Oh, wait! Do you do birthday cakes shaped like books? She’d love that!
BOOKSELLER: … No.
CUSTOMER: OK. What do you do?
BOOKSELLER: We do books … shaped like books.
CUSTOMER: Ah. OK. That could work, too.
CUSTOMER: I’d like to talk to you about God.
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry but I don’t discuss religion with our customers.
CUSTOMER: Are you denying God? God could be anywhere! What if I’m God – do you risk denying me?
(Pause)
CUSTOMER (glaring angrily): God’s everywhere, lady! He’s probably hiding behind this bookcase!
CUSTOMER: I need to return this book (produces The Iron Man by Ted Hughes).
BOOKSELLER: Is there a problem?
CUSTOMER: Yes! It doesn’t have Robert Downey Jr. in it. AT ALL.
WOMAN: I think my grandson has swallowed a love potion. Do you have a book that has an antidote?
BOOKSELLER: Why do you think he’s swallowed a love potion?
WOMAN: He’s completely besotted with a girl who is not good enough for him. Not good enough at all!
BOOKSELLER: …
WOMAN: I didn’t really believe in love potions myself, you know, but now I’m not so sure.
BOOKSELLER: I see.
(Pause)
WOMAN (angrily): Kids! They’ve got all sorts of ideas in their heads these days. It’s all because of that Harry Potter!
CUSTOMER (looking at the history section): I’ve always wanted to be a prisoner of war.
BOOKSELLER: …
CUSTOMER: It sounds romantic, doesn’t it?
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for that book … Romeo and Juliet. It’s about a fight between the DiCaprios and another gang. Street stuff.
CUSTOMER’S FRIEND: Yeah. it’s the true story of Leonardo DiCaprio.
CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy a book for a friend.
BOOKSELLER: Sure, what does she like?
CUSTOMER (deep in thought): Well, she’s quite racist …
BOOKSELLER: …
CUSTOMER (eagerly): I really liked Fifty Shades of Grey. (Pause) Do you have an illustrated version?
LITTLE GIRL (with her hands on her hips, talking about Alice in Wonderland): Alice falls down a hole in the ground because she doesn’t look where she’s going? I wouldn’t be that stupid.
CUSTOMER: Are these books fire-proof?
BOOKSELLER: … Nope.
CUSTOMER: Well, that’s not very useful is it?
(Phone rings)
BOOKSELLER: Hello?
CUSTOMER: Oh, you’re there! Thank goodness.
BOOKSELLER: How can I help?
CUSTOMER: I’m making a chicken pie from handwritten instructions, and I can’t read my own handwriting.
BOOKSELLER: … Right.
CUSTOMER: Could you check the recipe for me?
Bookseller: … How?
CUSTOMER: Oh! I copied it out of one of the books on the top shelf of your cookery section when I was in last week. I write a new one down whenever I come in – no point in buying the whole book when I can just do that. I was in a hurry last time so my writing’s a mess!
BOOKSELLER: …
CUSTOMER: I need to know what happens after I add the stock. Could you have a look? It’s the big black book, with gold lettering on the spine.
BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid I sold that book earlier today.
CUSTOMER: What? But … but I need it! Why didn’t you stop them taking it?
CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on how to identify swingers?
CHILD: What’s your oldest book?
BOOKSELLER: We have a set of books from 1776.
CHILD: Wow … That’s nearly as old as grandma!
CUSTOMER: Do you have any audiobooks in Chinese? I want them for my six year old son.
BOOKSELLER: I don’t think we do. Does your son speak Chinese?
CUSTOMER: No.
BOOKSELLER: … Are you looking for an audiobook to help him learn Chinese?
CUSTOMER: He doesn’t need to learn it; I just want a story in Chinese for him to listen to.
BOOKSELLER: But … how will he understand it?
CUSTOMER (frustrated): Look, there’s a billion people who can understand Chinese on this planet. Are you saying my son is stupid?
CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Jane Eyre? We’re doing it in our book club.
BOOKSELLER: Sure. I’ll just get you a copy.
CUSTOMER: Thanks. You know, I go to this book club thing, but I really hate reading.
BOOKSELLER: So … why do you go to the book club?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, really. (Pause). To make things easier, I bought a book called How To Talk About Books You Haven’t Read.
BOOKSELLER: Yeah?
CUSTOMER: Yeah. (Pause). I didn’t read it.
CUSTOMER: I bought this book last week, and I’d like to return it.
BOOKSELLER: I just saw you pick this book up from the shelf and bring it to the desk. You didn’t buy it last week.
CUSTOMER (looking shifty): I did!
BOOKSELLER: … No, you didn’t.
CUSTOMER: … OK. Fine. I didn’t.
BOOKSELLER: So, can you put the book back on the shelf?
CUSTOMER (angrily): Wait a minute; I might want to buy it. Don’t jump to conclusions!
CUSTOMER: Do you have Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abracadabra?
CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy these books using this voucher.
BOOKSELLER: … Erm, this voucher is for a free burger.
CUSTOMER: Yes. I thought it should be a ratio of two books to one burger. Does that seem fair?
CUSTOMER: Guess what.
BOOKSELLER: What?
CUSTOMER: I’m building a spaceship in my back garden to scare my neighbours.
LITTLE GIRL: I want to play hide and seek. Do you have
a big book that I can hide in?
BOOKSELLER: Not a book, but we could hide behind a bookcase?
LITTLE GIRL: But … but, mum says she likes books because you can get lost in them.
BOOKSELLER: Ah, I don’t think that’s quite what she meant.
(Door bangs open and a flustered looking man runs in)
FLUSTERED LOOKING MAN: I’m the idiot who tried to get in earlier when you were closed! Did you see me? I literally tried to open the door for two whole minutes! Did you notice?
BOOKSELLER: Well … no … because we were closed … and I wasn’t here.
Weird Things Customers Say in Other Bookshops
(and libraries, too!)
CUSTOMER: Excuse me, where do you keep all your books?
BOOKSELLER: … They’re all around you.
CUSTOMER: Oh. Right. I see.
Iida Henriksson: Suomalainen Kirjakauppa, Finland.
