by V. R. Knight
“No, no, it’s ok,” I said my breath catching. It felt good but it hurt. It felt strange but something in me said it was natural. He tried it again and it didn’t hurt as much. As he went in again I felt myself getting hotter and hotter. He was groaning as he kissed my neck. I kissed him again and moaned as he went out and in. He was doing it slowly and sweetly as I held onto him and kissed him feeling so good. He didn’t want to hurt me and didn’t want to do anything that would be uncomfortable. I could feel him getting closer and I was too. He sucked on my neck and I moaned louder then I had before. My fingernails dug into his back as we came together and I felt everything! My eyes could only see him and his blue eyes staring down at me. I smelled his bittersweet cologne. My head was foggy but I liked it. He groaned.
“Olivia,” he said in my ear, his breathing heavy. I grabbed his hair liking the way he said my name like that. In a desperate need. A sexual one. One begging almost.
“Zane,” I whispered into his ear. A ripple went down his body and I arched my back wanting him the whole way in me. He moaned. I leaned up to him feeling sweat on both of us. “Faster,” I whispered breathlessly in his ear. He admittedly did as I told and started thrusting into me faster. I steadied myself and took each thrust easily. I moaned wanting to say his name but knowing I shouldn’t. He started to thrust faster to where I was going to come again. I gave out a muffled cry as we finally both did. He was out of breath as he fell halfway down on me. Sweat beaded on his forehead as he looked down at me. It was another intent gaze. He pushed my hair back from my face silently. He pulled himself out of me and fell down beside me. I turned on my side to him and pulled a blanket off the floor onto me and onto him. He turned on his side facing me.
“This was my first time,” he said quietly.
I raised an eyebrow.
“You haven’t done it before?” I asked surprised. He half smiled and shook his head. “I haven’t either.” We both looked at each other. We didn’t touch again; we just stared into each other’s eyes. We both settled down and I fell asleep watching him looking golden and glorious by the fire blazing behind the grate.
Chapter 39
I felt a tickling on my palm. I frowned and my hand jumped. I heard a quiet laugh. It started again but somehow I liked the feel of the hard finger tips touching my hand. I opened my eyes and looked at Zane who was perched on his elbow his hand tickling my palm lying open on the pillow beside my head. He had his jeans on but no shirt. His boxers were showing from under his pants. His hair was messy but still very cute. His chest still had the fading bruise on it and his eye was a little swollen. His blue eyes were a lighter color then usual but his lips were in a small smile. I smiled back and sighed.
“That tickles,” I mumbled.
He laughed again.
“I noticed,” he said back, his voice husky and sweet. He stopped. I looked over at him.
“I like it.”
He stared at me, a smile still on his lips. I shivered as I remembered last night. The way he ran his fingers down my body….. “What time is it?” I asked before he could say anything. He grabbed his cell phone from behind him and flipped it open.
“7:30.”
I yawned.
“Ugh, it’s too early.” The sun came in the window and I pulled the blanket up around me.
He chuckled.
“The electric didn’t come back on but the fire went out sometime last night.” he said. I nodded closing my eyes again feeling his fingers still on my palm. Last night….was amazing. It was probably the best night of my life. I care so much about him. More now than I did before. I could feel him close to me. If we did it then maybe he likes me back. The thought made my heart jolt. But I wasn’t going to say anything. Not yet. Maybe he will tell me he likes me and we can actually be together for real. I smiled but then frowned. But doesn’t he like Kendra? Wait didn’t I like Grant? What happened to our goal? I don’t think I like Grant anymore. Does he still like Kendra? Is that why he slept with me? Because he wanted to brag to Kendra about ‘doing it’ with me? Zane pulled the cover back. I looked up at him as he smiled down at me.
“Thinking?” he asked.
I nodded.
“I can see the smoke,” he joked.
I didn’t laugh or smile.
He frowned. “What’s wrong?” he asked coming closer to me. He pushed my hair behind my ear and I repressed myself from shivering from his touch.
“Nothing,” I answered licking my chapped lips. He frowned even more. I closed my eyes again avoiding his eyes and sighed. I felt him lay down next to me and his hand was left by my hair. He curled his finger around the end then let it twirl back again. It felt good. The worry I had about him using me to get back at Kendra vanished. I don’t even care if he used me or not! I was getting a lot out of it! He let his fingers run from the end of my hair past my collar bone to my back and made a single circle. Goose bumps appeared on my arms. He laughed a throaty laugh. I smiled.
“Mm, stop.” I mumbled.
He laughed again.
“Don’t you like it?” he whispered his voice joking and teasing.
I nodded my eyes still closed. He didn’t stop, hell I never wanted him to.
“I need to get up,” I muttered opening my eyes. He shrugged taking his hand off me. I turned onto my back and rubbed my face pushing back my messy hair. I probably looked horrible. Zane was quiet and I looked over at him frowning. He was staring at my chest. My bare chest and stomach. I quickly grabbed the cover and covered myself up blushing a little. He laughed and winked at me. I rolled my eyes. I sat up and made sure the blanket was around me tightly. I yawned again and stood up. Zane looked up at me with a small frown.
“I think I’m going to get in the shower.” I said feeling sticky.
He smirked.
“Want me to come too?”
I rolled my eyes again.
“No, thank you,” I said, even though I wanted him to.
He laughed.
“Fine, fine, fine. I’m going to get something to eat.”
He stood up and I went up the stairs dragging the blanket with me. I got jeans and a t shirt from my drawers and underwear plus a bra. I went to the bathroom and stripped. As I looked at myself in the mirror I realized how bad I looked. My hair was a rat’s nest and my makeup was running. I looked tired but my skin was glowing almost. I smiled and the girl in the mirror smiled too. I turned on the shower and got in. I turned so it was hot and let it run over me. When I saw the blood going down into the drain it hit me. Tears wheeled up in my eyes and I almost fell to the ground. I leaned against the wall grabbing myself so the sobs wouldn’t hurt so much. But they did. I cried hard. I had realized that I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I wasn’t a little girl. My innocence was lost. I had actually made a promise to stay a virgin before marriage. I can’t believe I let this happen! I thought grabbing my hair. Even my parents figured I’d do it so they provided me with the pill! But I promised myself and my grandma that I would stay a virgin until my wedding night. I would show my parents that I could. I screwed it up! I cried harder. I screwed it all up. Like I always seem to do. I stared at the shower curtain while the water ran, my eyes still full with salty tears. I can’t believe I just had sex with Zane. I probably won’t even marry him! Even if….even if I would, he would never want to be with me. I scoffed then sniffed. Ok so I screwed up. I asked for forgiveness. I got it. I sniffed again and wiped my tears off my face. I can’t let that happen again. I went back to the water and let it drain everything away. I’m not a little girl anymore and I could pay for this one day.
Chapter 40
After I cleaned myself up and got dressed I could still feel the pressing weight of everything on me. I don’t want to tell my mom, she wouldn’t understand. She would just say ‘oh well had to happen sometime’. I wanted someone to say that it was ok and that maybe it was really meant for after marriage. Because things can happen, you can get punished for having sex before marriage. And I could definitely
pay for that because Zane didn’t wear a condom. I know that for a fact! But right now I would gladly take anything that might happen. Because I had had sex before marriage. I tried to tell myself that it was ok. Doctors are always prompting it. Safe Sex! It’s ok! No. Sex was made for two people who both have a ring on their fingers and who have promised each other their hearts. I had to screw it up didn’t I? Now my wedding night, I will be thinking about Zane. When my husband is kissing me, I will get a picture of Zane. How horrible is that? To try to have sex with your husband and get a picture of the guy you had lost your virginity to?! As I walked downstairs I tried on a fake smile that didn’t quite work well. Zane was eating cereal, reading the newspaper. Suddenly I stopped and stared at him. A vision flashed across my eyes of him sitting there in a mechanic uniform with the words ‘Walker’ printed on his chest. His hair was the same but his jaw and body was older. He looked to be about 35. And the thing that stopped my breathing was the gold band around his wedding finger. Before I could really see anything more I blinked my eyes and the same old Zane was there.
“Olivia?” Zane asked, looking up to me. His blue eyes were cornered. How could I have seen him like that? It’s not like we were going to get married! This was fake! This relationship had been fake! Why did it come to this?! Us sleeping together? Why?!
“Nothing,” I mumbled and walked quickly into the kitchen. I got a long drink of water. I felt a hand touch my hip and I flinched slightly. Zane put his bowl in the sink coming around me.
“Sorry,” he said and turned the water on filling the bowl up.
“We have a dish washer you know?” I said.
He gasped.
“They don’t work as good. And I’m just soaking it.”
I raised an eyebrow.
He half smiled.
“Never mind.”
“So your mom makes you wash the dishes I’m guessing?”
He laughed and blushed a little. “Occasionally.”
I smiled. I turned and I winced as my lower stomach was sore.
“Are you ok?” Zane asked quickly turning toward me.
I smiled sadly.
“I’m just….just a little sore.”
He looked down then back up at me quick.
“Um…oh,” he said and turned around. I almost smirked but didn’t. I got a bowl of cereal and ate it while Zane went back into the living room. After I was done I went in too and looked out the window. I heard the couch squeak as Zane stood up. The snow was almost gone. It looked like a lot of it had melted from the sun that was shining brightly this morning.
“Wow,” I muttered.
“Yeah, I should probably head home. I’m sure my mom is there now.” I nodded and turned to my right to see him standing next to me holding part of the curtain up. His blue eyes looked light and bright. My heart beat speeded up again. He looked down at me and smiled. One of those breathtaking smiles. Before I could stop him he leaned down and kissed me. He pulled back just as fast. I stared wide eyed at him. Why does he do that? That can’t be fake! Maybe he does like me.
“Let’s clean up,” he said.
I nodded and we cleaned up the blankets and trash. As I put the blankets away the lights flickered and came back on.
“The lights are back on!” Zane yelled. I laughed.
“No duh!” I shut the closet door and ran down stairs. Zane was switching the lights off and the TV.
“There, I think the house looks a little better,” he said looking around.
I laughed.
“Good thing my parents won’t be home till next week.”
He laughed also. I put my hand on the banister still on the stairs. “Um, your jacket I washed because…um there was blood on it. It’s in the laundry.”
Zane nodded biting his lip. “I’ll go get it quick.” I ran up the stairs and pulled out his brown leather jacket and smelled it. It smelled good. I went back down and Zane was putting on his shoes.
“Um…” I said pushing my hair back. “Here it is,” I walked down to the last time and handed it out to him. He looked at me and looked at it. But I didn’t let go. He wouldn’t either. My stomach stirred as we stared at each other. Finally I let go and he took it.
“Thanks,” he said sounding a little disappointed for a moment.
I cleared my throat.
“How are your bruises?” I asked.
He shrugged and touched his shoulder.
“OK, I think. Just still a little sore.” He touched his forehead and winced. My heart ached.
He laughed a little. “Yeah just a little sore.”
I frowned but nodded. It was silent for a moment.
“Well…um I’ll see you I guess sometime…” I said not knowing what to say. He looked down then back up at me his face though he looked even more like a little puppy with his back and blue eye. But something serious stirred in them. He walked up to me and I looked down because I was on the step ahead of him. He dropped his coat and my breath got heavy as he reached for me. I gladly took hold of him as he kissed me wrapping his arms around my waist so tightly, though I wanted him closer. We both seemed to remember last night and his kisses grew rougher. I grabbed his hair in my hands and bit down onto his lip and he shivered slightly. He slipped my legs out from under me and laid me down onto the stairs. He got on top of me and pressed himself close. I moaned between our kisses. I spread my legs open automatically and he gladly got closer. As I felt him, I moaned harder and pulled away. He kissed my neck looking for that spot.
“Zane…” I said and he thought I was moaning it but I wasn’t. “Zane.” I said louder trying to sound more under control. He pulled back his face flushed.
“What?” he asked.
“Your mom is going to wonder where you are.” I said and breathed in a breath.
He frowned and nodded. He stood back up and straightened his shirt. I sat up my lips feeling swollen and I was trying to cool down my body. The thoughts of him using me to get back at Kendra and taking my virginity came to my mine and I clenched my teeth. He pulled his coat on then zipped it up. I looked at his face and suddenly I envisioned him smirking at me and saying “you are so easy. Just like the slut I knew you were. I lied to you about me not being a virgin either. You’re so gullible! Wow Taylor you are so stupid.” A lump grew in my throat. He was. He was doing this to me on purpose. Leading me on, having sex with me, making me like him. It was all his plan.
“I’ll call you tonight,”
“No!” I said quickly looking up at him. He lifted an eyebrow his eyes confused. “No, that’s not a good idea.” I said feeling anger in me.
He frowned.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
“I’m fine! Why does everyone ask me that? If I wasn’t fine you would know!” I yelled suddenly.
He flinched slightly.
“What the hell is your problem?” he asked.
I growled.
“Nothing!”
He glared.
“Whatever,” he turned his back to me. I ran down the steps not finished with him.
“Actually, I do have a problem!” I yelled.
He stopped and I almost ran into him. He turned.
“Oh really?” he asked.
“Yeah! Your arrogance!”
He raised an eyebrow and laughed coldly.
“My arrogance? Well then let’s talk about you then for a minute.”
I glared and crossed my arms.
He looked at me his eyes cold as ice. “You’re stubborn; you won’t listen to one damn thing! You don’t care about anything but yourself just like all the sluts from school!” he yelled.
My eyes got wide in anger. I lifted my fist and was about to pound in his face in. He just smirked at my hand.
“Go ahead. Do it.” he said.
I bit my tongue hard and I tasted blood. He put his face right at my fist and looked directly in my eyes. “Go ahead Olivia. Free-shot. I don’t hit girls.”
I wanted everything to throw my fist
at him but instead I withdrew it.
“Well, then I guess I can’t hit you,” I muttered coldly.
He threw daggers at me with his blue eyes. “Why are we even in this discussion?” he said throwing his hands in the air.
“Because you’re a jerk!” I yelled.
He looked at me.
“If I’m a jerk, why are you still with me?!” he shouted. We both looked taken back by this. I grounded my teeth together.
“To get Grant back.” I said quietly.
He gasped.
“We both know it isn’t working,” he said through gritted teeth. I looked away my hands clenched in fist still. “Why are you still with me Olivia?” Zane asked quietly. I shook my head. Get a back bone Olivia! He’s trying to get you to spill your guts and admit that you care for him. Once you say you care for him he’s going to bend your words and use them against you. I gasped and looked up at him.
“For kicks, I guess,” I gave a short laugh.
Hurt showed in his eyes and I regretted saying it.
“Yeah, I guess so….. I’m out of here.” he said and flew open the front door and slammed it shut. After I heard the car tiers squeal out of the driveway my legs felt like jelly. I went to the steps and sat down. My head throbbed and I held onto it. Why did I just say those things? It’s the opposite of what I wanted to say. How could I think those things about Zane? He wasn’t like that! My mind took over me and I used my own words to hurt myself. I cried a little. I can’t do this. I just have to tell him I care for him even if he laughs in my face.
Chapter 41
If I knew that today was going to be the worst day of my life… If I knew that the call was going to make me almost die right there I would have let the phone go. But I didn’t. That’s the thing. You don’t know what’s going to happen and you can’t regret what does.
