“Calm yourself and prepare,” God said, gently placing his hand on her head. “Lucifer?”
I nodded and joined him. Placing my hand over his we chanted in a language so old I had to think to remember it. It was haunting and dissonant. Our power joined and became one as it flowed into a defeated Fate and sent her to Stasis. Black and gold flame intertwined and danced above the head of the guilty party. Finally as the fire ebbed and the chant ended, her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her body slumped forward.
“I will take her with me,” my brother said, looking down at her with pity. “She will stay in Heaven until her time is served. Also, you owe me, Lucifer.”
“Your price?” I inquired, knowing it was coming.
“I like blackjack,” He said.
“So do I. Your point?” I asked, not following.
“I understand you have Tuesday night poker games in Hell. Apparently quite a few of my own are taking field trips to Hell to play.”
I was stunned to silence. I simply stared at him.
“I want an invite,” He said, enjoying having shocked me speechless.
“You’re not serious,” I choked out with a laugh.
“Very serious.”
Of all the fucked up shit that had happened today, God wanting to play poker in Hell and me having to perform Lizard’s wedding to the appalling Martha and Jane had to take the cake.
“Fine,” I said with a shrug. “But I cheat.”
“I’d expect nothing less,” my brother said. He raised his arms and a golden light encompassed him. “I’ll see you next week. And I’ll bring artichoke dip and Mountain Dew.”
With that He disappeared taking Fate with him.
Artichoke dip? Mountain Dew? Was he fucking serious?
Son of a bitch. He was completely serious. Tuesday night poker was never going to be the same again. However, a small and forever silent part of me was looking forward to seeing the asshole.
“Shall we break a curse?” Elle asked rubbing her hands together and adjusting her silk necktie that I was definitely going to pilfer.
“We shall,” Sadie said with a joyous laugh. “However, before we do that, I would like to assure all of you that the Sirens will not be allowed off of Kismet until they have been trained to feed without taking life. I will stay here on Kismet and oversee the transition.”
“And I will take Fate’s place,” Elle said and then wrinkled her nose in distaste. “However, I will not be going by the name Fate—too many horrid memories.”
“Let’s pick a name for you,” Mother Nature said, clasping her hands with excitement. “How about Jezebel LaLucky?”
“How about no?” Elle said with a giggle that made my heart soar.
“The Greek Fates were called Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos,” my father offered. “Do any of those appeal?”
“No,” Elle said. “They don’t feel right.”
“Destiny?” Dixie suggested.
“Chance?” Lucy tried.
“Fortune?” Hayden added.
“Star?” Elijah said.
“No,” Elle said with a nod of gratitude for their efforts. “I’ll figure it out and let you know.”
“Luck,” I said, gazing at my charm with desire and need. “You are the luckiest thing that has ever happened to me.”
A slow smile spread across my Siren’s face and her amethyst eyes sparkled.
“I choose Luck,” she said, staring only at me. “And I choose you. I will come to Hell with you, but I’m redecorating that damned Dark Palace. It’s depressing. You will also build me a closet larger than yours and I want a mother-in-law suite for my mother.”
“Wait a minute,” Mother Nature grumbled and slapped her hands on her hips as she began to glow the way she did before mass destruction occurred. “I want one of those. If Sadie gets one, I get one.”
Swallowing my scream of terror, I nodded mutely. I knew whatever would come out of my mouth would be appalling and earn me a massive electrocution. What I wanted right now was for Elle and Sadie to free the Sirens so I could take my lady Luck home with me and get very, very lucky. A smoldering ass wasn’t conducive to what I had in mind.
“And I need a stripper pole and a mini kitchen in mine so I can create art and cookies,” my mother added as everyone bit back laughter.
“Fine,” I agreed under duress. Right now I’d promise her a fucking zoo if she’d leave. “I believe everyone should depart. I’m certain the Sirens will need privacy when they are reanimated and men being here isn’t a good idea.”
“That includes you,” Elle informed me with a raised brow.
“Ridiculous. I don’t desire anyone but you,” I told her. “And it makes my dick hard to watch you work.”
“Everything makes your dick hard,” Elle pointed out.
“Untrue. Everything you do makes my dick hard.”
“And on that nightmare and gag inducing note, I’m outta here. I’ve got some explaining to do to Ethan about how our son was a toddler this morning and is now old enough to go to college,” Astrid said with a grin. “Catch ya later.”
In a blast of green and gold glitter, Astrid and Samuel left. The rest were quick to follow, clearly fearing my propensity for TMI at the moment. Soon it was just Elle, Sadie, the Fairies and me.
“I want to thank you,” I said to the Fairies without wincing, much to my surprise. “I could not have accomplished this without you.”
“You’re welcome,” Gemma said with a grin as she gave me a hug.
It was clear she was unaware of what I might have done to The Kev. She wouldn’t be smiling if she knew. The Shelia hugged Elle tight and then punched me in the arm.
“If you’re an asswipe to her, I will make your life difficult, Devil,” she said with a laugh. “And I’ll be visiting that Carnal Room in Hell soon.”
“What about The Dave?” I asked her.
“Have to take the edge off with some electronics first before I jump that Fairy’s bones or else my love might kill him,” she replied with a wink. “I’ll let you know.”
“Please don’t,” I shot back with a shudder. “I’ll be just fine without that knowledge.”
“I’m gonna go tell my goddess concubines about the wedding,” Lizard announced, chomping his gum in excitement. “Martha and Jane are gonna flip.”
Swallowing my rude comment for the second time in the last five minutes was difficult but doable. I did lie, cheat and steal, but when I made a promise to my people I came through. I would preside over the marital debacle of the century and then I’d do a bit of a mind-wipe on myself to block it out.
“Wonderful,” I choked out with a grimace that I hoped passed for a smile.
Lizard disappeared through the portal with a whoop and a few dance moves that looked like his nuts were on fire. The Shelia followed and that left Gemma and The Kev.
“I will be in touch,” The Kev said flatly as Gemma gave him a concerned glance.
“I will be expecting you,” I replied.
In a blast of glistening silver magic, The Kev and Gemma flew through the portal.
“What was that about?” Elle asked.
Sighing, I pressed the bridge of my nose. “Would a lie suffice?”
“Nope. Not if you plan on getting laid later this afternoon.”
“Then you shall have the truth. I think I might have made a mistake… The Kev possibly has some Demon in him,” I admitted.
“But he’s a Fairy,” Elle said as lovely her eyes grew wide.
“I’ll fix it,” I replied.
“How?”
“I have no fucking clue, but where there’s a will, there’s a way to bend it.”
“I don’t believe that’s how the saying goes, lover,” Elle said with a laugh as she pushed me toward the portal. “Would you like your soul back?”
“Do you think I’m hot in feathers?” I shot back with an arched brow and pursed lips.
“I think you’re hot in anything,” she admitted and
then touched her chest to retrieve my soul.
I did the same and we placed them back in their rightful homes. The heinous black sequined and feathered robe now felt like slimy bugs on my skin. Dropping it to the ground and kicking off the matching kitten heels, I groaned in relief. I was as naked as the day I was born and it felt glorious.
“If you’d like a preview of what’s to come, I’d be delighted to oblige,” I told her as she laughed with delight.
“Umm… while it’s tempting, my mother is watching,” she said, nodding her head towards an eye rolling Sadie.
“Shit,” I muttered. Waving my hand, I dressed myself in a sharp black Prada suit. “My apologies, Sadie. In the future, I’ll be sure to nail your daughter when you aren’t present.”
Sadie covered her eyes and groaned. “Thank you for your attempt at manners, Lucifer. You failed miserably.”
“Go now before she takes a page out of Mother Nature’s book and electrocutes you,” Elle whispered, taking my hands and levitating us toward the portal.
“She can do that?” I asked appalled. One mother with electrical skills was enough for me. Two would be horrifying.
“She can,” Elle replied with a giggle.
I had no idea of my Siren was lying or telling the truth. I was certain I would find out soon enough as I didn’t have much of a filter. But I didn’t give a damn. I felt truly carefree and dare I say happy for the first time in my eternal life.
“I love you Adrielle Rinoa, my light in the darkness—my luck. I always will,” I said softly.
“And I love you, you horrible man,” she said, pressing her lips to mine. “Go now, I have work to do. I will meet you at home.”
Home. The word had never sounded so appealing. However, my home would be wherever my Siren was. The Winds of Change would take us places and I would bend to their desires. As long as Elle was by my evil side, I knew I would be devilishly happy.
Epilogue
Six Months Later…
My movie, Fashionably Flawed, was a blockbuster of epic proportions—largest opening sales of a movie in the history of film. I bought out all the tickets in the entire country and then had my Demons stand outside theatres and give them away… although I do believe some of the dishonest bastards were scalping tickets, which warmed my evil soul.
The reviews were stellar. I bribed every single reviewer who mattered and then some.
Of course, I’d been nominated for an Oscar for my performance as myself. I thought I was brilliant, but apparently staring straight into the camera the entire movie was a no-no. Whatever. I looked devastatingly handsome in every single frame. Again, bribery came in handy. Greasing the palms of the entire voting Academy was delightful. I even met a few lovely actors, directors and producers who were destined for my neck of the woods eventually.
My mother’s performance in the film was excruciatingly painful. However, no one had the balls to tell her. Her insistence on pole dancing during several of the bullfighting scenes was horrifying to say the least. Strangely, all of her scenes that had been cut from the film were magically back in the movie opening night. There wasn’t a damned thing I could do about this one. Getting electrocuted sucked and I simply decided to close my eyes during her screen time.
As brilliant as I was in my movie, I was never going to act again. It was boring and the food on set was inedible. I had a sneaking suspicion that my mother was helping out with the catering. Wearing makeup brought back fond yet horrifying memories of my cross-dressing days although I never had lipstick on my teeth due to the finger sucking method. I was the Harbinger of Evil and it was a rather large job. Creating chaos and punishing transgressions were far more interesting than pretending to be myself while wearing eye shadow.
Mel Brooks not only wrote the script, but directed the movie as well. The overly tanned and coiffed Maury and Sal steered clear of Mel as they were unsure if he was aware they’d reported his false demise or he might indeed be a Unicorn… Mel nickered and neighed constantly when the imbeciles were nearby—it was delightful to see them squeal like girls and run for their lives. It still pissed me off that my life story was constantly mistaken for a comedy, but Mel had won the card game I held to pick a director. He’d cheated like a motherfucker and this sat well with me. The man was a comedy genius, so in the end I let him do his thing.
Lizard had taken a part-time job with Maury and Sal in Hollywood. His negotiating skills were legendary and he was in high demand. Normally I preferred my Demons stayed in Hell, but now that he was getting tied to the heinous Martha and Jane I was perfectly fine with his absence. The less I saw of the two heinously dressed Vampyres the better. I’d already been tempted to incinerate them too many times to count. The only thing that kept me from burning the imbeciles to ash was Lizard’s adoration for the profane idiots.
As expected, Immortals turned out in droves for the movie premiere. It was gratifying to be worshiped by everyone. Astrid and Tiara almost walked the red carpet with Elle and me until we remembered at the last minute they wouldn’t show up in the photos. That faux pas would have required an enormous clusterfuck of mind wiping. Thankfully it was avoided.
Samuel did not revert back in age after the Tribunal. To say that his father Ethan was shocked was an understatement. To make amends, I had the entire contents of six hundred and sixty-six Office Depots delivered to the Cressida House. I figured this gesture would make up for what I’d stolen from the Vampyre Prince over the years and negate everything I would steal in the centuries to come. I received no thank you note for my generosity. Vampyres were such ungrateful shits. His lack of manners made me glad that I hadn’t returned the stapler that I’d pilfered on my last visit.
Sadie had stayed in Kismet to train the Sirens not to kill when they fed. A few of them were testing out their new skills in Hell. We’d had a few close calls but no deaths yet. My Demons were delighted with the visiting Sirens. It was a carnal clusterfuck—pun very much intended.
And speaking of puns… God had shown up seven Tuesdays in a row for poker. It cramped everyone’s style to have him present. Swearing while playing was at an all-time low. Not to mention getting fall down drunk was off the table. I was beginning to think my brother cheated as He won every damned round He played, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how He was doing it. I planned to have hidden cameras set up everywhere for next Tuesday. I was going to catch his pious ass in the act. It was one of my new life goals. However, his artichoke dip was outstanding. Clearly He hadn’t inherited the food poisoning gene from our mother.
The only real problem I had at the moment was The Kev. We’d met several times to determine if there was any trace of Demon lingering in his body. All the tests were inconclusive. The only one that hadn’t been tried was having him go back to his homeland of Zanthia. If there was indeed Demon in his DNA he might not be permitted to enter, which was a tremendously bad fucking issue. Gemma was set to take her rightful throne as the Fairy Queen and needed his protection and knowledge. Not to mention, as part Demon he would never be allowed to claim Gemma as his mate. This one was making me lose sleep—unusual for me, but I’d evolved as of late—getting laid on a regular basis by the one who was meant for you could do that to a man… even a very bad man. In the end, I’d come up with a few plans that would change the course of the Fairy world. The Kev, Gemma and The Shelia were set to return soon and I would set my plans in motion. I just hoped they would work. Only time would tell.
“Are you ready?” Elle inquired as she slipped an obscenely sexy lavender Prada gown over her head.
“No,” I replied, pressing the bridge of my nose and breathing deeply. “I will never be ready for this.”
“You promised,” she reminded me with a giggle that went straight to my balls and made my dick stand up at attention.
“I thought those were made to be broken.”
She shrugged and applied her lipstick with an expert hand. “Some are. Some aren’t,” she replied with a smirk. “Can
’t see how you can lie your way out of this one.”
“I already tried,” I admitted with a grin. “You should do the finger suck thing.”
“I’m sorry, what?” she asked with a perplexed expression on her exquisite face.
“You know, suck your finger to make sure there’s no lipstick on your teeth. Works like a dream.”
“Do I want to know why you have this information?” she asked with a raised brow and a grin.
“No you don’t,” I replied dryly. “Just be grateful for my latent drag queen knowledge. Mel Brooks was very thankful for my familiarity with all things feminine. The man was simply awful with lipstick—looked like he had a red mustache or a bloody mouth constantly. I really think he needs to have his color wheel done. His choice of lip hue is ghastly,” I explained and then smacked myself in the head with the palm of my hand.
The side effects of having had Elle’s soul inside me were unfortunately still lingering. Thankfully wearing her clothes didn’t appeal. I was still firmly in possession of my man card and I wasn’t giving it up.
“Umm, okay,” she said and slowly sucked her finger while keeping her amethyst eyes locked on mine.
“That’s mean,” I whispered with a grin as I snapped my fingers and removed her clothing. “You shall have to pay for that.”
“Later,” she promised, waving her hand re-dressing herself. “We have all the time in the world, Devil.”
“That we do, Siren.”
My Siren was correct. We had an eternity together. I’d never known what I’d been missing until she lied, cheated and stolen her way into my life… or vice versa. I was fated for Fate—or Luck, as she went by when she was working.
The Winds of Change were an interesting phenomenon. They took my Luck where they pleased and I always followed. My job was easy to perform anywhere in the Universe as dastardly deeds didn’t have set locations. We were living like Immortal gypsies and loving every moment.
“We don’t want to be late since you’re running the show,” Elle said against my lips as her tongue darted into my mouth and made me see stars.
Fashionably Forever After The Hot Damned Series 10 Page 18
