CHAPTER 16
INTO THE MALE-FEMALE-STROM
"Here?" Gasped Bill.
"Here!" gurgled Rick, his eyes fairly glowing with excitement.
"Yes indeed. According the figures that the bio-computer has given us, the Fountain of Hormones, the very nexus of the Over-Gland, is right here in this castle!"
"That doesn't make any sense," said Bill. "This is the Isthmus of Impotence. What would it be doing here?"
"It must be latent ... potential energy on the outskirts of nascent being..." mumbled Baron-Krankenhaus uncertainly.
"No, nothing latent about glandular energy, people!" cried Rick with great enthusiasm. "We're talking biology here, Doc. We're talking chemistry. If we can imagine the Over-Gland to be rather like a supra-dimensional amoeba, then its nexus would be like an amoeba's nucleus, floating within its mass. Clearly, the Fountain of Hormones has chosen this spot for a very specific reason."
"But where is it?" said Bill. "I don't see any Fountain."
"Then that may only be a metaphorical term, Bill," said Rick. "But I submit, Doctor, that at this very instant there are biological devices manufacturing hormones at an incredible rate, even as we speak."
"Exhaustion grips me," the drooping doctor droned, staggering and almost falling. "My brain cells don't seem to connect very well. Could you — would you — explain?!"
Rick pointed at the bio-computer. "Delighted to, Doctor. When you sewed all those bodies together, you must have included all their glands, including of course those involved with the sexual process. It is my theory, hopefully soon to be proved, that they have all moved, all melded together into one super-sex organ that is now attached to the sophisticated nervous system of the computer. The energies they've given off must have attracted every other energy source." Rick was dancing with excitement. "This is it! This computer is the tap for all the sexual energy of the known universe! And maybe some parts still unknown!"
"Young man," said Baron Krankenhaus. "I must say you seem to know a great deal about not only glandular mathematics and sexual mechanics — indeed, you seem to comprehend whole areas beyond even me!"
Rick ignored the comment as he rushed to the controls. "Mere theorizing, Doc. What we have to do is to test it out! If we have the correct idea, then possibly we'll be able to use these instruments here to tap the Fountain — which in turn controls the Over-Gland. And what is the one thing you both desire for different reasons?"
"A drink?" asked Bill, licking his lips.
"No, bowbhead — forgotten already? Your heart's desire, Bill. Irma, of course."
"Irma!" the doctor cried aloud, a heartfelt wail of woe. "Yes, of course! My dear, lovely daughter. Yes, she floats in the Over-Gland, and it was there that Bill met her. Yes! If we can program her vital statistics in, we might well be able to pull her out!"
"38-22-34!" said Bill.
"How could you possibly know my daughter's measurements, Bill?" asked the Doctor-Baron, astounded.
"I just happened to hear, somewheres," Bill muttered — then quickly changed the subject. "So what are you waiting for, Rick? Program the vital statistics!"
"With your permission, Doctor."
"Of course! Oh, could my seemingly endless quest for my daughter be at an end at last? How long have I been searching? Centuries, it seems. Go Rick, go! But, by the way, just in passing, your speech patterns seem somehow very familiar to me. Haven't I met you somewhere before?"
"Here we go, Doc!" Rick exulted, ignoring the question and getting to work with the controls.
"Wait a minute! How do you know how to do that?"
"I'm a fast study," said Rick, pushing levers and buttons. Tendons twitched, nerves and ganglia sparkled and snapped with electrochemical energy.
"Zoroaster!" said Bill, alarmed. "What's happening to the bio-computer?"
A shimmer of light rippled across the mottled, translucent, stitched together skin of the gargantuan thing. It shook and it spasmed, as though undergoing the most profound and uncomfortable internal rearrangement.
"Yes!" cried Rick. "And now here we go — 38-22-34! Come on, baby. We want Irma Krankenhaus!"
The eye of the bio-computer was fluttering open and closed as though in the midst of a complex drug trip. Tongues fluttered out from the multitude of mouths like New Year's Eve joymakers. Bulges began to grow along the massive skin, like inflating balloons.
Then, with an internal groan, a body could be seen appearing inside one of these elongated swellings, a face and body stretching the membrane.
"Anybody got a pin?" said Rick.
However, a pin proved unnecessary. This new stretched membrane popped of its own accord, sending out a splatter of fluid onto the floor, the drenched woman slipping and sliding along with it.
Bill could not believe his eyes. "Irma!" he cried joyously. "Irma!"
"Yuck!" cried the woman, floundering on the floor. "Don't just stand there, you idiot! Help me get out of this mess — I'm dripping wet!"
Gingerly, Bill stepped forward, and pulled Irma up into his embrace. He didn't mind the water at all — in fact he enjoyed the way it rendered Irma's previously translucent gown almost invisible. "Irma! Do you recognize me?"
"Of course I recognize you, lamebrain. You're Bill, and I'm the love of your life. Now would someone kindly tell me just where the hell am I? All I know is I'm not in a very good mood."
She looked around at Rick, and registered nothing. But then she turned and saw Baron Barren, head bobbling with anticipation, looking hopefully and happily at her.
"Daddy!" she cried, pulling herself away from Bill. "Daddy!" She went over to the man and hugged him. "Daddy," she said, pulling away and examining him appraisingly. "Has your arthritis been acting up again?"
"It's a long story, honeybun. It's just good to see you again, that's all."
"And look!" cried Bill, staring down at his chest. The dead dove and leather thong were disappearing! "I've found you, and the Grime of the Aging Marinator is going away! I'm freed of the curse! Can life actually be a story that has a happy ending?" Bill ran to his beloved and swept her up in his arms, planting a kiss on her lips.
"Happy ending?" said Rick. "Why yes, I think so, Bill. But probably not for you, or the Doctor, or Irma — or for that matter, the universe!"
Bill, Irma still locked in his embrace, turned and looked at his erstwhile companion. Rick had a strange look of satisfaction on his face — and his color had changed again. Now it looked rather gray. Almost a metallic gray.
"Oh, no! How could I have been such a fool!" said Baron Krankenhaus. "I should have seen what was coming! Trolls, stop him! Kill him!"
The trolls stumbled and hurtled forward to the attack. But not quickly enough, no indeed. The Supernal Hero's hands flew across the controls of the computer. Microseconds later, two of the bio-computer's mouths opened. Long tongues flickered out, wrapped themselves around the trolls and pulled them into the fiercely gnashing mouths.
Rick laughed maniacally. "I've found it! The Fountain of Hormones! The nexus! The center to the power that I have always craved!"
"Rick?" said Bill. "Rick, old buddy. Are you maybe going slightly nuts? I know that every week is Bowb-Your-Buddy Week but this is ridiculous!"
"Oh no!" rasped Dr. Krankenhaus. "Oh God, no! It can't be! Guards! Fiends! Creatures! Help!"
"Save your breath, Doc," exulted Rick, his voice noticeably different now. "I took the precaution of bolting, locking and then supergluing —" He held up a container with a dripping nozzle, "— the doors here! And since I've already mastered the controls on this corpuscular computer, a little nudge...." Rick flicked a toggle. Immediately, a chorus of muffled screams filtered through the thick doors. "...will take care of any battering ram attempts. That was the psychic equivalent of a quick knee in the groin, my friends. So stay where you are or be prepared for a good swift one as well!"
"Rick! What's wrong with you!" said Bill, baffled.
"That's the voice of Latex Delazny," s
aid Irma. "I recognize it."
"Irma, I meant to ask you," said Bill. "How come you told me your name was Irma Feritele?"
"I don't know, Bill. I guess I lost my memory. I got confused." She jabbed a forger at Rick. "But I can't forget that voice. Delazny! This is all your fault!"
"I've come to your succor, haven't I, sweet Irma? And I still mean to have you, my love..." A leer crept over Rick's contorted features, "...and every other beautiful woman in the Galaxy to boot. I'll show those fools — how they sneered at me — what macho really means!"
"But Rick ... Buddy! What happened? Have you been on dirty Delazny's side all along?" said Bill, feeling betrayed.
"Can't you see, Bill?" gasped Dr. Krankenhaus. "That's not Rick the Supernal Hero! That's an android model. Controlled, no doubt, by sophisticated radio signals by Dr. Delazny himself, safely hiding away somewhere outside the Over-Gland!"
"That's right, Bill! I built this model special myself!" came Delazny's voice through Rick's mouth. "And it all worked out very well! I knew you were my man, Bill! I just knew your homing instincts would take us right to where the hormones hang out! And now, thanks to this wonderfully bizarre contraption that the good Doctor has built — with a few special settings that I will set into it right now — I will be able to control the bio-computer from my base beneath the sea at Colostomy!"
"I don't understand, Delazny!" said Bill. "Just what the bowb are you trying to do? I thought you were seeking the secrets of peace! I thought you were trying to stop the Chinger War!"
"Oh, the War will stop soon enough! With this new power I will be able to crush anyone or anything that gets in my way! And naturally, I shall control every single human being in the Universe! I shall have power that no other tyrant has ever dreamed of! Every man my slave — and much more important, every woman as well. All of them mine! Mine! They all laughed and said I was mad!" The Rick android cackled wildly. "Now we'll see who is mad! Do excuse me for a moment. I have some rather important adjustments to make!" The android turned back to diddle with the knobs and switches on the board.
"No!" cried Dr. Krankenhaus. "No, I won't allow it!" Somehow, the man untwisted himself and commenced staggering toward the Dr. Delazny creature, his hands out and curled into claws. "I'll kill you, Delazny! Kill you!"
The Rick android grinned, and pulled a switch. With a horrendous scream, Dr. Krankenhaus vibrated for a moment, and then crashed to the floor, twitching and spasming until he passed out.
"Daddy!" cried Irma.
"Stay back," said Bill, grabbing ahold of her and keeping her from running to her wounded father.
A pseudopod from the bio-computer flowed out and enveloped the fallen doctor. It pulled him through an opening in the thing's side.
"Ha ha ha! Now stay back, you two," warned Rick/Delazny. "I have a vile purpose in mind for you both, for which I will need you alive.... But if you try anything, I'll be just as happy to feed you to the Bio-Comp here!" He turned back to the controls, playing them with manic skill, laughing all the while.
Irma fell into Bill's arms, sobbing and moaning. "Daddy!" she cried. "Oh, dear Daddy! I've lost you forever."
Bill enjoyed holding onto her — but realized as well that this was the time for cool thought, not warm embrace. What could he do? Trying to stop the android at the controls would clearly deliver him into a fate as unsavory as that of the late Dr. Krankenhaus. Irma's warm, soft body against his was most distracting. But — was this the end?
"Psst!" said a tiny little whisper. "Bill!"
Bill blinked. "Wussha?"
What was that? Surely not Irma down there, snuffling and sobbing into his manly chest. No, it didn't sound like her at all! Maybe it was his imagination.
"Psst!" That voice again. "Bill! Bill, down here!" It was from the floor! "Your foot, Trooper. Lift up your foot?"
"Which one?" said Bill.
"The cloven one, you idiot! I've got to talk to you!"
Bill shrugged. It was something to do. "Excuse me, Irma," he said, gently pushing her away. "My foot wants to talk to me. Could you keep me standing while I lift it up."
"The strain," Irma sobbed. "I can understand, it was too much for you. Something snapped. But, dearest Bill, you're all I've got now."
"Look, can we talk about this later. Just let me lean on your shoulder."
She nodded moistly through her tears, holding him so he wouldn't fall while he lifted his bare foot up. His joints crackled and he could barely lift it high enough to reach his chest, but he bent his head down to meet it halfway.
"What do you want?" he whispered to his foot.
"Gee — don't you recognize my voice, Bill?" said the foot.
"Bgr the Chinger!" Bill cried out.
"Not so loud! Delazny will notice!"
"What are you doing in my foot?" Bill visualized the interior of his foot with a set of controls, screens, a water-cooler — just like back on board the FANNY HILL.
"Gee, I'm not in your foot, dummy. I planted a two-way TV-radio transmitter in the crack in your cloven hoof, just in case. Good thing, too. Delazny's got me and all the other Chingers imprisoned back here at the base. Mission: Peace through the Over-Gland is, I must admit it, a total bust, Bill. We've got to stop this maniac, or both Chingers and human beings will be kaput!"
"Tell me about it! But what am I supposed to do? One wrong move and I'm zapped. Or eaten for breakfast by the computer."
A loud voice interrupted Bill's intimate tête-à-tête with his foot. "What's up, Bill? What kind of hanky — panky you up to over there standing on one leg! Is the strain telling?"
"Yes, well — ahh, indeed," said Bill, completely at a loss for words.
"Not good enough, Bill," the Chinger hissed. "Gee, but you are dumb. Give him an excuse. Tell him you're praying!"
"Praying!" said Bill, shouted. "It's a kind of real old form of Zoroastrian prayer, Doctor. I'm making my peace with my God. That okay with you?"
"Oh! Sure. Sorry. Never want to come between a man and his stupid superstitions. Seen one god, you've seen them all," Rick/ Delazny muttered as he went back to work on the controls.
Irma was watching all this with a clamped-shut mouth and wide eyes, straining with every erg of energy she was capable of erging to keep Bill from falling on his face.
"Now what?" asked Bill. "Tell me what to do!"
"I never thought you would ask! Fortunately, my mentally debilitated friend, I have also planted a micro-grenade right by the radio. You got that?"
"To blow me up or what!" Bill asked, instantly filled with suspicion.
"Gee — Bill, what kind of an old buddy do you think I am? We go back a long ways! I would be hurt, Bill, by that accusation. If I had human emotions. Which I don't. So let's get on with. No, it's not to nuke you, of course not. It's for you to use, in a jam like this! Foresight I believe it is called."
"Things are bad, but not bad enough to commit suicide. You can't ask me to do it!"
"No, no, bowb-for-brains! I don't want you to kill yourself. Just dig the thing out first, huh? Slide the right half of the hoof off ... I made it like a false heel."
"Okay. Right," said Bill, obeying the instructions. Hopping about and crunching Irma at the same time, he grabbed the hoof and pulled hard. Half of the bottom slid off, easy as you please. A little round ball, with a button sticking out fell out into Bill's palm.
"Now what?" said Bill.
"First you press the Button. Then —"
Bill pressed the button.
"No! Not now you idiot!" screeched the voice. "You've only got eight seconds before it blows!"
"What'll I do?" Bill said, frantically. The little black ball was sizzling! It didn't sound promising, not at all.
Rick/Delazny wheeled around. "What's going on over there?" He demanded. "Am I hearing things — or do I recognize that voice! A Chinger voice. Bgr! What are you doing here?"
"Hurry up, Bill! We've got to destroy the bio-computer. Lob the micro-grenade."
But Bill's attention was on the android's hand, reaching down to the destruct switch that would sizzle him. He groaned in fretful, anticipation. This was the end.
"Never! No!" Bill cried aloud, and hurled the mini-grenade directly at Rick/Delazny.
"Fool!" cried Doctor Delazny. "You can't stop me now. You can't —"
The mini-grenade landed directly in Rick/Delazny's wide-open mouth, rattled down its throat and landed with a clang in its metallic stomach.
"Oh no!" he sighed. "Stop me if I am wrong. But, is it possible, that I just swallowed a mini-grenade?"
"No," said Bill. "Actually it was a micro-grenade!"
"Four seconds, Bill!" warned Eager Beager. "You had better do something, or you'll all be blown into a cloud of glowing atoms. That's a wicked mother of a grenade!"
The android was already groping at the control board when Bill hurled himself across the room. He caught the arm just as the fingers were about to pound upon the relevant switch. His mighty farmboy thews, Trooper training improved, strained against his enemy's weight. Bill's shirt burst open as his mighty muscles tensed — and it was working! Not only was the android Rick stopped from touching the controls, he was lifted inches off the ground.
"Two seconds, Bill!" cried his foot.
Panicked, Bill looked wildly about for a way out.
Only one existed.
"Open wide, bio-comp!" he said, picking up the squirming android with his two right arms, and sighting along his body. Gasping with the effort he ran forward and chucked Rick and the embedded micro-computer directly into the thing's mouth.
"Now run, Bill!" cried the radio-voice of Eager Beager.
"But there's no place to run to!" said Irma.
"One second!"
Bill grabbed Irma and headed for the furthest corner. They almost reached it.
Imagine the sound that a star might make if it were made of cream cheese and bologna when it novaed. This was somewhat the sound that the exploding bio-computer made.
The air filled with flying strips of flesh, gallons of splattering gore. A fine red mist hung in the air, like a ground cloud of beet juice, when Bill managed to struggle to his feet and looked around at the carnage.
On the Planet of Tasteless Pleasures Page 13
