“Skills over there,” Shane angled his head over to Reid who was currently dropping another pile of broken glass into the garbage pail, “wasn’t paying attention and he tossed the ball straight through the window.”
“Shut up, ass. I was paying attention. You’re the one who took your eye off the ball,” Reid defended pointlessly as he picked up another pile.
“Whatever. Let’s just get this cleaned up before Dad gets even more pissed. Go ahead, Dylan. We’ll catch up with you in a bit.” As Shane busied himself with the last pile of glass on the floor, I recalled the harsh tones of their father’s yelled words when I first walked up to the door. So, rather than racing off to the ballpark to meet up with my waiting friends, I dropped my equipment outside of the shed and grabbed another broom to help them finish cleaning up.
In less than five minutes, we were done. At the same time, the gate to the backyard clicked closed after we raced through it to meet the rest of the guys, the back door opened in a rush as Mr. Connely stepped out onto the back deck, scanning the yard for his sons.
The field was only about a five-minute walk down the block, most of which was spent in silence. It was obvious that something had happened back at home, but neither Reid nor Shane wanted to talk about it. After catching sight of his friends, Reid sprinted the last few hundred feet, leaving Shane and me behind in his dust.
“I heard your dad yelling,” I said, aiming for the cool distance that any conversation between teenage boys required, but the concern was evident.
Shane lamely shrugged – the typical teenage boy form of dismissal. “Yeah, he gets like that.”
Maybe it was because nothing more needed to be said, or maybe it was because so much more had to be said – neither of us said anything else.
Since I had come from a very warm and loving home, I knew there was so much more to say to Shane. Knowing Shane had come from a home that was anything but warm and loving, he just kept his mouth shut.
Therefore, instead of talking about angry parents, we all enjoyed a Saturday afternoon baseball game. It was difficult not to notice Shane hit the ball with a bit more force than usual, that his throw had a bit more power behind it. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was Shane’s way of dealing with whatever was going on at home.
After sailing yet another ball out of the small park, Shane rounded the bases, touching every last one of them, pumping his arms in the air and being a general goofball.
“A little girl could hit the ball outta this park,” Reid jibbed at his older brother and tossed him a bottle of water.
“Yeah?” Shane chugged back half of the bottle in one gulp and then tipped his chin at his big-mouthed younger brother. “Then how come you haven’t? Pussy weighing you down, girl?” Shane jokingly poked a finger into Reid’s chest, laughing playfully as he did so.
All of us lost it in an uproar of laughter. The chuckling quickly ceased as Reid barreled into Shane, dropping him to the ground in one hard shove. Even though Shane was older, Reid was fairly well matched when it came to size.
“What the—” Shane’s curse was cut off as Reid shoved his knee into Shane’s ribs. Me and a few of the other boys tried to get in between the fighting brothers, but there was no use. By the time everyone else’s attention was brought back to what was going on, Reid was already landing punch after punch to Shane’s arm.
“Reid!” I called out, trying to shove my way in between him and Shane. “Leave ‘im alone. Stop punching him!” I yelled, louder this time, the volume of my voice finally getting Reid’s attention.
Grabbing him by the sweat-and-dirt-stained collar of his T-shirt, I tossed Reid back as Shane stood from the ground, brushing the dust from his mesh athletic shorts. Glaring at Reid, Shane just stared him down, not saying a word.
“I don’t like being called a girl, asshole.” Reid glowered and Shane backed off. A moment of understanding passed between them and I could only assume that it had something to do with their father.
In all the years I had known him, Thomas Connely had never struck me as a nice man. Fatherly, kind, and happy were not words I would have used to describe him. Rather, he was always snarling with contempt, anger radiating from him in a seemingly permanent fashion. Because I was always an intuitive kid, sensitive to other people’s feelings and always willing to listen to a problem, I told the other guys to head home. As I pulled Reid and Shane over to the beat-up old bleachers to the side of the field, I was determined to get to the bottom of this.
“Look, I know you two don’t want to talk about it and I’m not trying to get all touchy-feely, but one of you better tell me what the fuck is going on.” I tried my best to keep my voice stern and even, but the concern there was evident. In that one sentence, I felt years older and wiser than I actually was.
Both Shane and Reid simply sat there, wallowing in their silence, seething with something that was threatening to boil over at any second.
After a few more minutes of stilted silence, Shane finally spoke up. “He’s right. I shouldn’t have called him a girl.” The apology was sincere and hung heavily between the boys.
“Yeah, I shouldn’t have tackled you to the ground. Sorry ‘bout that.” Neither brother made eye contact with the other. Since I was an only child, I had to choke back a laugh at the ridiculous antics the two brothers shared.
“See, now was that so difficult?” I crossed my arms over my just-starting-to-get-muscular chest, a proud smile curling at my lips.
Both Shane and Reid rolled their eyes and shrugged, huffing a sarcastic “whatever” at me almost simultaneously.
“But seriously, guys, what is going on? It’s not like your dad was ever all that warm and fuzzy, but he seems…” I paused for a moment, searching for the right word without being too offensive.
“Like a gigantic douche?” Reid found the words for me.
“A massive asshole?” Shane echoed his brother’s sentiments.
“Yeah, a colossal prick,” I added as we all shared a laugh.
“He’s on me to win the states this year, like it’s only up to me – especially since it’s my senior year. I mean he’s always riding me about everything – always has been, but lately, he’s gotten this hair up his ass about me getting a top scholarship to a D-one school,” Shane confessed, seemingly lighter now the words were out of his mouth. “He told me since I’m going to be a senior in the fall, I need to get my ass in gear and start thinking about my goddamn future. That I can’t live off his dime forever,” Shane added with a touch more anger than his earlier words.
“We were working out in the backyard before you showed up,” Reid confessed before adding, “Not because we wanted to, though. He told Shane he had to throw one-hundred strikes before we could go anywhere.”
“And I was four away from that before you started complaining that your legs hurt and you missed that one that went through the window.” Shane’s words dripped heavily with accusation, something that was not lost on me.
“Mom heard the crash before Dad and she distracted him so we could clean it up before he saw it. By the time we get home, he’ll probably be too drunk to even realize the window is gone.” Reid paused for a moment before adding, “That must have been when you came over – when he was screaming his head off at her for something instead of screaming at us.” He swiped a hand across his guilt-ridden face before Shane clapped him on the back, all signs of their earlier frustrations gone.
“Well, camp is next week, so we’ll just tear shit up and make sure you’re all set for the fall tournament and then Varsity in the spring.” I could only hope my words helped boost Shane’s confidence, but, at the same time, they also brought a more-than glum look to Reid’s face.
“At least you two lucky son’s-a-bitches get to go. I’m stuck here in bum-fuck nowhere while you’re gone for two weeks.” Reid popped up from the bleachers and kicked a rock, sending a cloud of dust up around us.
With the rest of our gear in hand, Shane and I caught up to Reid, rem
inding him that he only had one more summer left before he could join the sixteen-to-seventeen-year-old camp. It was mine and Shane’s last year since we’d be seventeen in just a few months and off to college next year – where? Shane had no clue, but I had a few prospects, all of which involved getting out of this place. We’d both discussed the possibilities of baseball scholarships and agreed it would be pretty cool if we could get into and play for the same school. I caught a glimpse of how pissed Reid looked at the prospect of staying home while we were away at camp, but I couldn’t stifle the bubble of excitement that filled my chest at the idea of getting away from this place with my best friend in tow for a full two weeks.
Later that night, after a normal dinner with Mom and Dad – one where they asked me how my day was and if I was excited for camp – I couldn’t help but think about what Shane and Reid’s night was like.
Did their dad lay into them even more over the broken window? Would Shane have another black eye like the one he did a few weeks ago? Since he was younger, and perhaps just more of a hothead in general, Reid was usually angrier about the whole situation than Shane was, but I could see the sadness in both of them, and I hated it.
But there was nothing I could do, and in all honesty, even though my home life was much happier than theirs, I had my own issues to deal with, my own secrets to keep. In the solace of my own room, with the moon light slicing through the window, I pulled out my journal. Pressing the pen to the paper, I let my mind create a world in which I didn’t have to hide who I knew I was.
Dad’s fist slammed down on the table for what felt like the hundredth time and all I could think was at least it’s not my face, like last time. “Shane, are you even listening to me? Dammit, you’re such a fucking lost cause.” He tossed his hands up in the air and I literally bit down on my tongue to keep from talking back to him.
I tried my best to shut him out when he got like this, not to let his words affect me, but it was a pointless endeavor, really. So, rather than saying, “Yes, Dad. I am worthless – no thanks to you,” I sat ramrod straight in my chair and choked out, “Yes, sir. I’m listening.”
“You know, this camp cost me more money than I even want to think about. You better make sure you don’t screw around while you’re there.” He leaned across the table much like a snake slithers toward its prey. Folding his hands together, he eyed me like the piece of trash he repeatedly told me I was. “I’m waiting for the day you’ll do something to make me proud, but I guess I shouldn’t hold my breath,” he sneered.
After the words fell like venom from his mouth, a car beeped out front. Thank God, they were here, finally. I was getting a ride to camp with Dylan and his father. Rather than dreading the two-hour drive, I was actually looking forward to being in the car with Dylan and his dad, Ben.
They were normal.
They were happy.
They were everything I wasn’t.
Dad stood first; I learned long ago not to rise from my seat before he did – that was a sign of disrespect in his book. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d wished he treated us with even just a sliver of the respect he’d demanded from us. As he squeezed my shoulder, almost to the point of being painful, it was clear respecting me was never going to happen.
Before I walked out the door into the just-rising sun, my father shoved my bag into my hands and told me “not to fuck up.” I swear, if Dylan and his dad hadn’t been waiting out front already, I know Dad would have shoved me out the door and down the steps.
As I walked down the cobblestone path leading to the street, I glanced back at the house and saw Mom waving to me from the window, a sad look coloring her face. God, what I wouldn’t give to take that sadness away from her. Even though I was dealing with my own shit-storm of sadness and a world of my own issues, I would gladly take on hers just to see her smile and hear her laugh like she used to.
Since it was still early, barely six in the morning, Reid was still asleep. I didn’t bother to wake him, so when I slid into the back seat, I punched out a quick text to him to let him know I’d call him later. I hated that I had to leave him there with Dad, but I had no choice in the matter, really. Hopefully, Reid would play it smart and just stay out of Dad’s way. Since it was still summer, he could easily just spend the day out with his friends without having to worry about Dad for more than a few hours a day.
Ben pulled away from the curb and Dylan turned in his seat to face me in the back. “You excited?” He was all bright-eyed and alive.
“Yeah,” I groaned through a huge-ass yawn, but in reality, I was exhausted. Another sleepless night of tossing and turning, of anxiety eating me alive from the inside out. Another morning waking up to my parents fighting, to my gut clenched in anger at the worthless feeling that was always hovering around me.
However, rather than saying anything about all of that shit, I plastered a fake smile on my face, feigning excitement about the camp I really didn’t want to go to. “I’m shot. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I think I’ll just close my eyes for a bit before we get there.” I tried my best to ignore the upset look that flashed across Dylan’s face as I balled a sweatshirt up into a makeshift pillow. Leaning up against the door, I closed my eyes and tried to sort through the shit in my head.
It was pointless, really. I’d never sort it all out. The best I could hope for at this point was just a bit of a break from it all while I was away from home. It was difficult to admit how shitty your life was to yourself when you were not even willing to admit it to the rest of the world. When those were the only thoughts in your head, all the fucking time, you started to feel like you lived in your own personal hell.
That was pretty much all my life was. I’d be worried if my family had noticed that I’d retreated into myself more and more in the last year, but then again, they’d have to care about me for that to happen. I mean, I guess Mom cared, but who the hell knew and I’d be one selfish son-of-a-bitch wanting her to put me before her own sadness. Dad was pretty much a lost fucking cause. God, even thinking about him made my stomach roil in a fit of rage, my fists clenching involuntarily under my rolled up hoodie.
Then there was Reid. He was the only one I could turn to, the only one who I could trust, but what kind of big brother would I be if I laid all my problems at his feet when his life sucked just as much as mine did. If I thought Dad was tough on me, he was like a prison guard with Reid. You know how some parents expect less out of the younger sibling? Well, that was definitely not the case with Dad and Reid. So there was no way in hell I was going to burden him with my problems.
They were mine and mine alone.
“This place kicks ass.” Dylan flopped back onto his bed after tossing his bag on the floor. I stood by the window that looked out onto the quad and took a deep breath. After a two-hour drive, we finally arrived at the small college campus where the Central New York Youth Baseball camp was held. Turning around, I took stock of the small dorm room and a huge smile spread across my face.
“Hell yeah, it does.” I felt freer in that moment than I could ever really explain. For two full weeks, I could run and play ball with people who were here for the exact same reason; they weren’t here to break or belittle me.
“So it looks like we’ve got a meeting at eleven and then lunch. Our first practice is this afternoon at four.” Dylan laid back on the bed, holding the itinerary in one hand and the TV remote in the other. “What should we do until then?” he asked as he mindlessly flipped through the channels.
Looking beyond the open field out behind the quad, my legs grew twitchy. After sitting in the car, biting back my anxiety the entire time, I needed to let off some steam and a run seemed like the perfect way to do that. “I think I’ll hit that trail out there.” I angled my head to the huge evergreens lining the path as I pulled my running sneakers out of my bag.
“Sounds good,” Dylan agreed as he turned off the TV and got up from the bed. Ten minutes later, we made our way across the field and stretched a
little before hitting the trail. I could tell that Dylan wanted to say something, probably wanted to ask about my dad again. Maybe one day I’d want to talk about it, but today, with the warm air filling my lungs with some kind of renewed energy, was definitely not that day. Right then, all I wanted to do was run until my legs gave out, until my lungs couldn’t take it, until I felt like I was far enough away from who I really was so that I could be someone else entirely. Since that last part would never happen, I would have to settle for the three miles we had time for.
When we arrived at what we assumed was the halfway point, we stopped to take a quick break. Neither one of us thought to bring any water, not that we would have wanted to carry it anyway. While most people would have felt anything other than happiness at being hunched over, completely unable to breathe with sweat dripping from pretty much everywhere, I felt nothing but elated.
“Keep running like that and you’ll knock a full second off your home-to-first time,” Dylan managed between shallow breaths. The sharp reminder of why I was here hit me right in the gut; I had to use this time to train, to sharpen my skills, to shut my father the fuck up.
That last thought caused a wicked smile to pull at my lips. “What time did you say the weight room was open?” I straightened up, finally able to pull in a deep breath.
“Um, I think it was seven. Yeah, after dinner. Why? You think you want to go?” Dylan looked at me sideways as he stretched out his legs.
“I’m just thinking I might as well use the time here to my advantage. Prove to my father that I’m not a total failure.” Dylan’s eyes widened a little at my small confession, but thankfully, he didn’t press for more. Instead, he jumped up and down a few times and shook out his legs. Shooting me an I’m-up-to-no-good look, he said, “It’s on, now. I am so going to kick your ass. Let’s go!” Then he was off, sprinting ahead of me, leaving his challenge to race him back to the dorms somewhere in the dust behind him.
Let Love Live Page 2
