Shocked wasn’t the word I would use to describe Shane’s face. That was being too kind. Utter disbelief, that might be more appropriate. “Me?” His voice wavered with uncertainty.
“Yes, you.” I gently squeezed his hands, feeling immensely lighter as if a huge boulder had been lifted from my chest. “I’ve always known I was gay, but learning that I was falling for my best friend, that’s what really threw me off course. When you shut me out this past year, it hurt so fucking much not to have you in my life.”
I moved forward on the coffee table so that my ass barely stayed on the edge. His legs were sandwiched in between mine, and I moved my hands up to rest on his forearms, the light dusting of hair feeling foreign under my fingertips. He kept his eyes glued to my fingers as they traveled farther up his arms, gripping his muscled biceps and shoulders.
When he finally looked up at me, I saw so much emotion swirling in his hazel eyes – fear, uncertainty, nervousness, and what I hoped was a touch of excited anticipation. He swallowed hard, causing his Adam’s apple to bob in his throat. As I moved my hand from his arm to his face, gently stroking his hard jawline, his pupils dilated.
Inching closer to him, I felt his hot breath bathe over my lips in heated puffs. His tongue darted out to lick his full bottom lip – a lip I had fantasized about kissing for far too long. I didn’t know anything about this first kiss business – was it supposed to be slow and sweet or hard and fast?
All I knew in that moment was that I needed his lips against mine.
When our lips touched, my world changed forever. He didn’t kiss back at first; the shock took a second to wash away, I was sure. When he tilted his head to the side, I slid my hand up to his neck and into his hair, shocked by how soft it was.
I moved slowly at first, tentatively, unsure of how to measure his reaction – mine was throbbing wildly behind the zipper of my jeans. I pulled back, certain I had overstepped a line.
My breathing labored and my heart racing, I stared into his eyes once more. Shane brushed his thumb across his bottom lip before gracing mine with the same, soft touch. “Do that again?” he asked, his voice trembling.
This time, it was not a kiss filled with uncertainty. His lips met mine with the perfect combination of tenderness and force, hunger and need. When he opened his mouth, sliding his tongue against mine, a low groan rumbled from deep in my chest. Moving closer to the edge of the couch, he wrapped his arms around my waist, letting them travel up and down my back, before diving into the too long strands of hair at the nape of my neck.
In what seemed like a split second, our hands were everywhere – necks, hair, chests. After months of denying my feelings, hell, my own fucking identity, I couldn’t touch enough of him. It was like I was afraid he would vanish if my hands weren’t on him.
We kissed in cycles, slow and erotic before changing gears to hard and passionate, threating to devour each other.
Before we went further, I had to know something, so I pulled away from him. With our foreheads pressed together, the space between us was filled with our laced-with-lust breath. “How do you feel?” I managed to choke out through my staggered breathing.
He took a moment to answer, but when he did, his single-word-response cemented my world. “Alive.”
My face split into a huge grin, unable to contain my own happiness. “So do I.”
But before we could say all of the stuff that obviously needed to be said, before we could even begin to figure out what this all meant, we heard a group of people approaching the pool house and a few others splashing into the pool.
Fear laced through me as my heart pounded in my chest. We both shot up from where we were sitting so quickly, that we almost knocked each other out, banging our heads together.
“Shit!” I cursed, looking around the room as Shane made his way to the other side. There was no way for us to leave the pool house and go unnoticed.
“The bar,” Shane suggested as he started loading up his arms with booze.
Joining him, I loaded up with a few bottles and tried to calm my frenzied thoughts.
When we stepped outside, we were greeted with a huge group of drunken partiers swimming in the pool. Definitely not the smartest move on their parts. Reid was perched on the edge of the same lounge chair on which Shane and I sat earlier, a goofy grin splitting his face. He tipped his beer at us, smiling conspiratorially at us as we made our secret escape.
Oddly enough, Reid was the one person I figured would already know about my secret. I might venture even to say Shane’s secret. I guessed we were all just that close, or maybe he was just that intuitive. We’d never spoken about it. It wasn’t something that was necessarily up for conversation, but I could just tell. So his smug smile didn’t bother me one bit.
I was unsure when it happened, maybe it was because I was lost watching Shane laugh with a few of our friends. God, it had been so long since he’d laughed and smiled. It made me feel a bit lighter, more hopeful, but I caught myself smiling like a fool.
The volleyball net was strung up in minutes and we were all jumping in the pool, splashing around like the crazy teenagers we were. A group of girls cheered from the side, scantily clad in nothing more than their underwear – why, I had no clue. It wasn’t like they were in the water or anything like that.
Even though all of the guys in the pool were more than distracted by the sideline T&A display, my eyes were focused on Shane as he moved effortlessly through the water next to me. Everyone else was too drunk to notice how we brushed up against one another with every chance we were afforded.
His thigh lightly grazing mine.
My arms gripping his waist below the water line.
His fingers trailing lightly across the small of my back when no one was looking.
We continued like that for as long as the game went on. Before long, the rest of the guys wanted more alcohol and the girls were more than happy to serve everyone from the pool’s edge, jumping in with their own fruity concoctions as the music continued to blare from inside the house.
Hours after the party had started, the loud and unruly party noises subdued into a quiet calm. We’d all dried off from the impromptu volleyball game and made our way back inside. I couldn’t remember feeling both happier and more confused in my entire life.
As I swallowed back my first beer of the night, I tried to sort out what happened hours ago.
Shane and I had kissed.
My first kiss, hell, our first kiss, and it was the best thing I had ever experienced in my life.
Not just because it was fucking hot, but because it confirmed everything I already knew about myself.
I watched Shane get lost in a game of beer-pong on the other side of the room, smiling at him as we tipped beers toward each other, hoping no one else would see. It was a risk I was sure was a safe one because everyone else was already lost to either their own drunkenness.
I watched Reid walk over to Shane, the two of them sharing some kind of whispered secret. When Reid walked away, he looked over at me, tipping his head as he followed Lyla up the stairs.
Seconds later, Nick flopped down in front of me on the other side of the coffee table, tossing a deck of cards on to it. “Let’s go, assholes. I’m tired of beer-pong.” A few people stumbled over to sit around the table, Shane included. He sat next to me and I was so lost to his scent and his nearness that I didn’t even pay attention to the conversation about what drinking game we should play.
“Fucking awesome,” Nick called out as his girlfriend, Janie, handed everyone two beers. “’I’ve Never’ it is. But be warned, I brought my motherfucking poker face, fools.” The group laughed as Nick locked lips with Janie, pulling her down onto his lap.
The rules were simple: Someone asked a question and you drank if you’d done the thing they claimed to never have done. It was a fun, or dirty, way to get your friends to confess to their innermost secrets.
Fun, right?
I sighed, but reveled in the feel of Sh
ane’s heat beside me. He had a girl to his side – Samantha, I think. I couldn’t care less about her name, though. All I could focus on was her fingertips traveling up and down his thigh as he sat, his legs crossed under the dark wood coffee table before us. From my vantage point, only I could see what she was trying to do to him, the tabletop concealing her movements.
I shimmied closer to Shane, pretending to reach for the beer that Janie had placed to his side. No one else noticed that I had two in front of me and even if they did say anything, I could just claim to be as drunk as they were and say I didn’t notice them.
“I’ll go first.” Sammy bounced with more excitement than was needed over a stupid drinking game. As she curled in closer to Shane, I took a huge gulp of my beer, swallowing back bitterness along with the alcohol because Shane didn’t seem upset she was touching him, or leaning in to whisper in his ear.
“I’ve never…” she paused for a minute, surely contemplating how she should finish her statement. She threw her hands out to the side and huffed, “…been drunk at a party.” Lame, but at least it was an easy one.
Everyone took a swig of their drinks and Nick laughed over at Sammy. “You’re full of shit. You’re drunk now.” He tipped his drink at her and she shrugged. “Let’s do this right,” Nick called out as he rested his elbows on the table, nearly missing it entirely. “I’ve never sucked a dick out in the pool house.” A sly smirk spread across his face and Janie smacked him on the arm, a heated blush racing across her face. I choked on my sip of beer, panicked that he saw Shane and I out there earlier.
“You’re a fucking asshole!” Janie cursed and tossed her beer in Nick’s face.
Nick just laughed, rubbing his hand over his face to rid it of the beer. He looked across the table at Shane and me for some kind of guy-support. I had no clue what kind of look he got from Shane because I was suddenly too nervous to say or do anything. Luckily, Sammy jumped up from her seat just in time to break the awkwardness that I’m sure was about to fall around us.
“Nice job, Nick,” Sammy sneered as she ran off to go find Janie.
Smugly, Nick just sat there, drinking his beer, flipping off Sammy’s retreating back. “Fucking women!” He raised his cup to us and we both laughed in agreement with him. “Not worth the trouble just for a blow every now and then, right?” Nick laughed again as he stood from the table.
“You might want to go do some damage control before you never get blown again,” I offered up my suggestion more out of Janie deserving an apology than out of Nick getting another blowjob. He was a certified asshole, through and through, but that didn’t mean Janie had to be embarrassed like that.
Nick muttered something as he stumbled away from the table. Seconds later, Reid came crashing down the stairs. The banister and girl at his side were the only things that kept him from face planting onto the hardwood floors.
Shane sighed and put down his cup. “I should get him home and sobered up.”
“Wait,” I gripped his thigh under the table where no one could see, “let me help.” Shane looked down at my hand, and where his face was rigid and tense just a second ago, his eyes now softened and a small smile curled at his lips; lips that were both soft and firm, tender and demanding. He didn’t say anything, just nodded subtly at me.
“Hey, man,” Reid slurred as Shane approached.
Shane rubbed a hand over his face and through his hair. Frustrated, he stared Reid down before puffing out a soft chuckle. “Dude, you’re such a fucking handful.” Reid shot him a dumbfounded look as if being drunk beyond all recognition shouldn’t be that big of a deal.
Shane and I looped our arms around Reid’s waist and helped him out to Shane’s car. Once we dumped him into the backseat, he fell over and passed out. “Well, at least he’s on his side. He won’t gag on his own vomit,” Shane joked, but I knew there was real concern there. Whether it was concern over his brother being way too drunk for his own good, or concern about what their father would do once they got home, I wasn’t sure.
But I did know for certain that I couldn’t let Shane deal with it alone. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, things changed back in that pool house. I changed and feelings I once thought would never come to the surface were right in front of me, staring me right in the eyes, making it impossible to ignore them anymore.
I had to do my best to protect Shane, and apparently getting Reid home safely was now part of that deal. “Why don’t you guys stay at my house tonight?” Shane kept his eyes on the road, ignoring my question; I’m sure it made him a little uneasy.
“We can sneak Reid into the basement. By the time he wakes up, my parents won’t even know he was drunk. We won’t have to explain anything to them and it’ll save you from having to deal with your dad.” An angry silence filled the cabin of the car.
“What the fuck do you know about my father?” Shane gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.
“Seriously?” I twisted in my seat, facing him and meeting his angry stare. When he didn’t say anything, I puffed a sarcastic breath. “I’ve been your best friend for fucking years; I’ve seen him in action. You’ve told me enough, too. I’ve seen the black eyes and I’ve heard the fights. You can try to cover it up all you want, but I know he’ll lose his shit on both of you if you bring Reid home like this.” I tipped my head to the backseat where Reid was snoring like a beast. A palpable tension settled in between us. Taking a chance, I reached out and laced our fingers together, terrified that he’d pull away.
But he didn’t.
“Okay,” he said as he squeezed my hand in return, “thanks.”
We kept our hands together for the rest of the ten-minute ride back to my house. It was never uncomfortable or weird. To me it felt perfect and I could only assume since he didn’t pull away either, that it felt the same to him as well.
Somehow, we both managed to wake Reid up enough to get him into the basement through the side entrance without making too much noise. After he flopped down on the couch, I grabbed a bucket from the laundry room and put it next to the couch. “I’m just gonna go let my parents know I’m home and that you guys are with me. I’ll be right back.” Shane sank onto the small sofa as I made my way up stairs.
When I came back down, he was sitting there in the darkened silence, his elbows resting on his thighs, hanging his head in his hands. Shoving my hands into my back pockets, I rocked on my heels, totally unsure of what to say.
“Listen, about before,” I said, awkwardly trying to start the conversation.
Shane leaned back on the couch, folding his arms behind his head. My eyes were drawn to his biceps and shoulders, the muscles bunching slightly under the short sleeves of his T-shirt. “Yeah, about that,” he added quietly as he focused his eyes on mine.
I sat next to him, folding one leg under my body, turning toward him. “I don’t regret it. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time now,” I admitted. He sat there like a statue, before his eyes starting searching my face for more.
“I don’t know what the fuck to think. This is all so fucking confusing.” Shane’s voice wavered with heavy emotion, but he was careful not to wake Reid. Even though he said he was confused, that he wasn’t sure what to think, his eyes kept darting back to my lips.
I inched closer to him, my knee gently brushing against his thigh. Taking a deep breath, I reached up and cupped his jaw, running my thumb against the scratchy stubble there. He closed his eyes as a shaky breath escaped past his slightly parted lips. “Then don’t think. Just feel.” I swallowed hard, a world of new feelings swirling around me like some crazy-ass kaleidoscope of endless possibilities.
I pulled his face to mine and he leaned into me willingly. With our lips barely touching, I whispered, “Just feel this. We’ll worry about the other shit later.” He leaned his forehead against mine and I felt his hot breath wash over my lips. He licked at his bottom lip and my heart beat a frenetic tattoo in my chest forcing my blood to thrum wildly in my
veins. I couldn’t hear anything except the loud rush of blood pounding in my ears and the frenzied breathlessness of our ragged desire.
We were all lips and tongues – tasting, devouring each other. Unfolding my leg from underneath me, I twisted us so that Shane’s back rested against the arm of the couch. With our bodies aligned, I could feel every single inch of him beneath me. Instinctually, my hips rocked against his, grinding against his rigid hardness. Shane groaned into my mouth and I pulsed painfully behind the zipper of my jeans. His back arched off the couch as he pushed back against me, revealing a small sliver of his tight stomach.
Keeping one hand on his jaw, I reached down with the other, ran it across his hot skin and up under his shirt, across his chest. We didn’t say anything, didn’t need to. Words weren’t needed to communicate what was going on between us. When I strummed my thumb over the flat disc of his nipple, his hips lifted off the couch once more and he coiled his arm around my waist, pulling my body tightly to his.
“Dylan,” he panted, the pause allowing me to kiss a heated path from his lips, to his jaw and down his neck.
My response was a simple “hmm” against his skin.
“I don’t…I mean…I can’t…” I heard the nervousness mingled with his desire. I heard the trepidation at moving forward, laced together with the excitement. But I wanted him to want it as much as I did, so rather than pushing forward, I pulled away.
We both rolled to our sides, facing each other on the couch. Gently, I ran my fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes at my touch and I noticed the faint yellow outline of his most recent black eye. My stomach churned with anger at the thought of anyone hurting him, much less his own father.
“We don’t have to do anything. Just relax and we’ll talk in the morning,” I said as I continued to stoke his hair, a more-than-satisfied smile pulling at my mouth.
Let Love Live Page 5
