He kept walking. “There’s nothing to discuss.”
She followed him, the wind lifting her hair, snow dotting her shoulders. “We need to hash this out.”
He didn’t want to hash anything out. “I’ll hire a tutor since it’s obvious our personal relationship is causing problems for your career.” At his truck, he unlocked the door and urged Max to get in. Eddie started it and turned on the heater then faced Harper. “You should have just told me when you found out he’d cheated,” he said, trying not to soften at how pretty she looked with snow melting on her hair, her cheeks pink. “Did you really have to get your supervisors involved?”
“Of course I did! How would it look if I hadn’t? I have a job here, Eddie. A career I love and a reputation I take great pride in. We’re all trying to help Max but you’re too stubborn and full of pride to realize it.”
When he remained silent, she sent him a disappointed look as if he was the one in the wrong. As if he didn’t want to help his own son. As if he was messing everything up.
Then she walked away.
Leaving Eddie to wonder, to worry, that she might be right.
* * *
EDDIE ANSWERED THE DOOR ready to lay into whoever was knocking at ten o’clock at night only to blink in surprise. “Lena. What are you doing here?”
He told himself he was disappointed only because it was never good to find his ex-wife standing on his porch, especially this late on a weeknight. He wasn’t disappointed that it wasn’t Harper standing there. He didn’t want to talk to her, didn’t want to see her. Not yet. Not until he’d thought things through a little bit.
“Where’s Max?” Lena asked, pushing past Eddie as she stepped inside, her clothes wrinkled, her face pale. “Is he okay?”
“He’s sleeping.” What time did she think little boys went to sleep on school nights? “What are you even doing in town?”
Now she frowned, played with the strap of her purse. “Max called me. He said he needed me.”
It was like a knife to the gut, the pain sharp and unexpected. “He called you?” Eddie patted his pockets, felt the familiar shape of his wallet but no phone. Damn it, he needed to keep that thing under lock and key. “So instead of phoning me to ask what was going on, you flew across three states and showed up here unexpected?”
Unwanted.
“I wanted to be here for him.” Her chin lifted despite the flush staining her cheeks. “To prove I’ll be here when he needs me. And I knew if I called you, you’d brush whatever happened aside. You’d brush me and my concerns aside like you always do.”
“You left.” Eddie kept his voice low and controlled so as not to wake Max but the effort cost him, had his throat raw. “No one pushed you out that door.”
Her mouth pinched. “Is he all right? What happened?”
Eddie didn’t want to tell her but if he didn’t, he’d never get rid of her. He shut the door and crossed his arms. “He’s fine. He got into a little trouble at school—”
“What kind of trouble?”
“He got caught cheating on a test,” Eddie admitted reluctantly.
“Cheating? Why would he cheat? That doesn’t sound like Max.”
Eddie wanted to tell her she didn’t know their son, not like he did, but he bit back the words. “He’s having some issues with his schoolwork but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”
“What about getting him some extra help?”
Did she think he was an idiot? “He’s being tutored.”
Was being tutored.
But now that Harper had proven she put her job ahead of what was best for Max, Eddie would have to find someone else.
“If he’s struggling,” Lena said, “maybe we should consider putting him in special classes.”
He bristled, went so rigid he was surprised he didn’t simply break in two. “No.”
“But if we don’t get him the help he needs, he’ll have a harder time.”
“He doesn’t need to be taken out of his regular class. I’ll figure it out.” He always figured it out. On his own.
Lena switched her bag from one shoulder to the other. “I don’t want to argue or fight with you on this. I just want what’s best for Max. I want to help him.” She met his gaze, held it. “I want you to let me help him. And you.”
Harper’s face flashed in his thoughts, her voice teasing him about not needing any help.
He pushed them both aside.
“Why?” he asked.
Lena’s eyebrows—thinner than they were before her chemo treatments— drew together. “Why what?”
“Why do you want to help? Why do you want to be a part of Max’s life now? Do you...” He swallowed, forced the words past the lump in his throat. “Do you want more time with him? Are you going to ask for shared custody?”
Her expression softened and for a moment, he remembered how he’d once loved her, how she’d once loved him. “I do want more time with him, but I’d never take him away from you, Eddie. He belongs here. I just...I want to be a part of his life. A real part.”
The worry he’d carried with him for months eased. “I haven’t stopped you from seeing him more.”
“No, but you haven’t let me in, either. Not fully. You don’t ask my opinion on anything, you don’t tell me when he’s hurt or having problems in school. We should be partners in raising him, but you shut me out.”
“I’m the one who took care of him, of all his needs—emotional, physical, financially—all these years. And now, just because you’ve had something life-changing happen doesn’t mean you get to change the rules, rules you set in place.”
“I love him,” she said, her voice shaking. “I may not be a perfect mother and maybe I didn’t realize how precious each and every moment is until I got sick, but I’ve always loved Max. Always wanted what’s best for him.” She opened the door, her hand trembling on the handle. “Which was why I didn’t want him shuttled back and forth between here and Chicago. Between us. I knew—I know—he’s better off with you. He needs you. Are you ever going to realize that maybe, just maybe, he needs me, too?”
She walked out, her quiet words echoing in Eddie’s mind long after she shut the door.
* * *
JOAN’S ENTIRE BODY HURT. Her head ached, her muscles were sore as if she’d run a marathon. Turning, she thought about reaching for Steve, but she hadn’t done that in so long, she was afraid she’d be rejected. He’d been cold toward her, hadn’t once touched her, not in weeks. Even now he was up before her, his side of the bed empty.
She let her hand travel over the space, the sheets soft and cool against her fingers. She curled her fingers into her palms. Tears stung her eyes but she blinked them back. There was no room for weakness. It would break her. Kill her.
She rose and pulled on a robe. She hadn’t slept well, had replayed her argument with Harper again and again. Just thinking of the horrible things she’d said to her daughter-in-law, to the mother of her grandchild, to the woman her son had loved so fiercely made her sick to her stomach.
But she’d been in the right. Hadn’t she? She’d had to tell Harper how wrong she was to get involved with Eddie, with any man. She shouldn’t be over Beau so soon, shouldn’t have those feelings for another man.
Harper shouldn’t be happy, shouldn’t be living again when Beau was dead.
Joan went into the kitchen, her heart doing a little flip at the sight of her handsome husband drinking coffee as he stared out the window at the softly falling snow. In the past, she would have gone up behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist, laid her head on his back. He’d turn and they’d embrace. Kiss. Share coffee and breakfast and conversation.
Now she didn’t even know how to approach him, couldn’t even say good morning because how could it be good when she had so much pain bottled up?
She went to the coffeepot, poured herself a cup and added cream. When she turned, Steve was watching her. Something in his eyes, in his expression gave her pause, had panic coat
ing her throat.
“I’m leaving,” he said.
Her shoulders relaxed. She tried to smile but it seemed like such a huge effort, too big to pull off even for her husband. “Early day at work?”
“No.” He set his coffee down. Held her gaze. “Joan, I’m leaving you.”
Everything inside of her went still. “I don’t understand.”
“Yes, you do. Our marriage is over. It ended the day Beau died.”
Her hands trembled so she sat and tucked them in her lap. “You can’t leave me. What will people think?”
“They’ll think we drifted apart. That we weren’t strong enough to survive the loss of our child.”
“He was my child. Mine.”
Instead of getting angry, Steve looked defeated. “Right. Your child. Never mind that I’d known him since he was ten years old or that I loved him as much as I love my own children. Never mind that I was here for him every day since we got married, that I stood up for him as best man at his wedding, that he looked to me like a father.” His voice broke and his eyes welled with tears. “Never mind that when he died it sure as hell felt like I’d lost a son. That I love him and miss him every single day.”
Joan was shaken. She didn’t like to think of other people grieving Beau’s death, could only concentrate on her own pain. “We can work it out—”
“I don’t want to work it out,” he said softly. “I’m tired of trying to be close to you when all you do is turn away from me.”
That wasn’t fair. “I’ve never denied you.”
“Not physically, no. You lie there, doing your wifely duty, gritting your teeth and bearing it while I feel like some goddamned rapist because I want to make love to my wife. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when I touch you and you get that blank look in your eyes? To make love to you knowing you’ve gone somewhere inside yourself where I can’t reach you.”
She hadn’t considered it. But what did he want from her? “I give you all I can. All I have to give.”
“I believe that, and it breaks my heart that you won’t let any of us help you through this grief, help you move on with your life. That you have so much anger and resentment inside that you’d turn away my children and grandchildren, children and grandchildren who have loved you and respected you all these years. But mostly, it breaks my heart because while I believe you are doing your best, that you’re giving me all you can, it’s not enough. Not for me. Not anymore.”
He stood in front of her. “I love you, Joan. I’ll always love you. But I can’t live with you. I can’t stand by while you slowly die inside, not letting me help you. I’ll pack a bag now, get a hotel room until I can figure something else out. I’ll come back later for the rest of my things.”
And as her husband walked away from her to pack, to leave her, Joan bent at the waist, her arms wrapped around herself, as pain suffused her, had her gasping to catch her breath. She’d been wrong. She wasn’t numb inside after all.
* * *
HARPER SHIFTED CASSIDY higher on her hip, adjusted her purse which had fallen to hang on her elbow and then knocked on Eddie’s door. They hadn’t spoken since he’d left the school yesterday and she’d been too upset over everything—his reaction and her continued rift with Joan—to call him last night. But today she was ready to face down Eddie and get things resolved between them.
If he ever answered his freaking door.
She knocked again. Finally, the door opened and there he stood, all scowly and hard-looking.
“Hi,” she said, trying to hold on to Cass as she went wild, calling Eddie’s name, reaching for him. “Can we come in?”
He looked like he’d rather give her the boot but he finally stepped aside, taking Cass from her before her kid did a nosedive onto the floor trying to get to him.
“Do you have a minute to talk?” Harper asked, shutting the door behind her and setting her purse and Cass’s bag on the table.
“Does it matter? You’re here, so obviously there’s something on your mind.”
She pressed her lips together. Oh, there was something on her mind. Giving him a swift kick in the shin being at the top of the list. “I know Max is at hockey practice so I thought now would be a good time to discuss what happened yesterday.”
“You went behind my back,” he said, setting Cass down when she squirmed. He gave her a Barbie to play with, and she plopped on the floor, began tearing off her doll’s clothes. “That’s what happened.”
“I did no such thing. Look, I know it’s not easy for you to consider this but Max needs extra help. All Mr. McNamara was trying to do is what’s best for Max.”
“I’ll decide what’s best for my son.”
Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn man. “I know this is hard for you, but you can’t keep denying what’s in front of your face.” She softened her words by keeping her tone gentle, laid her hand on his arm. “You’re a wonderful father and I know you’ll make the right decision.”
“You mean the decision you want me to make,” he said, backing up.
Her hand fell to her side. She tried to ignore the panic skittering up her spine, how hurt she was by his dismissive attitude.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to help you.” She had to keep talking, to convince him to let her fix this for him. To at least let her be a part of it with him. “We’ll sit down, make some decisions about Max’s placement in school.”
“You’re not putting him in some special class or medicating him for being a boy. I don’t want him ostracized.”
“He won’t be. Things aren’t like they used to be. Kids are all integrated into the same classrooms. He’d still be in my class, he’d just go to a different room for the subjects he’s struggling with. He’d have work that reflects the level of where he’s at. I know once you see how well he can do, how happy he is to have success on his own, you’ll see what a good idea this is, how it can only benefit Max.”
“I don’t want or need your help with my son.”
Her head whipped back as if she’d been slapped. Her fingers went numb. “That’s it, isn’t it? You don’t need me. You don’t need my advice as Max’s teacher. You don’t want my help as someone who cares about you and Max. You don’t want me in your life at all.”
She held her breath, waiting, hoping he’d deny it but his expression remained closed off. “I think it might be better if we didn’t see each other anymore outside of the classroom.”
While her daughter played happily at their feet, Harper could only stare at the man in front of her. “So that’s it?” she whispered. “I don’t agree with you on something and you’re just going to toss me aside?”
“It has nothing to do with you agreeing or disagreeing with me. You want to fix me and Max and we’re not interested in having you save us.”
“Is that what you think? God, maybe you really are stupid.” His eyes flashed, his nostrils flared but she was too worked up to care about hurting his feelings or making him angry. He should be hurt after the way he’d hurt her. “I don’t want to save you. I want to be a part of your lives.”
“Max and I are better off on our own.”
“Well, look at you, two rock walls. God, I am so tired of you trying to control everything, including our relationship. This whole time I’ve let you set the rules, the boundaries, but no longer. I won’t be satisfied to sit back while you decide where our relationship will go based on how much of yourself you’re willing to give. I’m sick and tired of giving everything I have, my thoughts and emotions and my heart, and waiting to see if it’s enough for you. I was so stupid to settle after having a man who loved me unconditionally. I won’t make that mistake again.”
With her heart breaking, her eyes stinging, she picked up her baby, grabbed their stuff and ran out.
19
“HOW WAS PRACTICE?” Eddie asked Max after he’d been dropped off an hour after Harper and Cassidy had left.
Max shrugged.
He’d been quieter than usual follo
wing the cheating scandal. On one hand, Eddie wanted to press his kid to talk to him, to tell him what was on his mind. On the other hand, he understood, better than most, that sometimes a guy just wanted to keep his thoughts, his feelings to himself.
Harper hadn’t understood that, had accused him of trying to control things. Maybe he had. What was wrong with that? He had to watch out for his heart and, more importantly, he had to watch out for his kid, make sure no one hurt him.
“You want a snack?” he asked Max, opening the pantry door only to be blindsided by memories of him and Harper in there, the feel of her skin, how she’d sounded when she came.
Shit.
He needed to get her out of his head, keep her out. Their being apart was better for all involved. She had to see that, to realize it. He wasn’t for her. He was the complete opposite of the man she’d married and he wasn’t about to change, not for anyone.
“Max?” he prodded when he realized his son hadn’t answered him. “Do you want a snack?”
“No.”
Eddie sighed. “Sit down,” he said, motioning to the kitchen table.
When Max sat, Eddie took the chair across from him. He remembered having talks with his parents at the kitchen table in the exact same way. They’d always been a unit. Partners.
We should be partners in raising him, but you shut me out.
And damn Lena for sneaking her way into his head.
He didn’t need her, he’d do this alone.
Max, his hair sweaty from practice, his cheeks still red, stared at his lap.
Eddie struggled to find the right words and decided there might not be right words. He’d just have to go with the truth.
“Did I ever tell you about the time I cheated on a math test?” he asked.
Max’s head came up, his eyes huge. “You cheated?” he asked in an awed, scandalized whisper.
Caught Up in You Page 26
