by James, Ranay
Mason could not change the past, and he hoped she could need him again. He saw how she felt betrayed too. He had let her down. She had taken that bullet for him, and he was not there to help her heal, being so wrapped up in his own pain, that at the time, he could not see his way clear. Well, the scales had fallen away from his eyes and his sight was 20/20.
“I’m sorry, as lame as that apology is.” How could he ever tell her how deeply sorry he was?
“If Brian had not been there for me, I’m not sure how I would have kept my sanity through my rehabilitation.”
Barbara sighed heavily at the memories of those early days of his disappearance. “There were days that I wondered if I took that bullet just so you could jump off some cliff somewhere and not have your chute open. And as crazy as it sounds, especially to my own ears, I’d do it again. How dumb is that?” She tossed her hands up in exasperation.
“You should never apologize for bravery.”
“That part, I still don’t understand. I wasn’t brave. Just like with the kids, I just reacted to the situation. Just like you reacted to finding out what you thought was reality wasn’t.”
He could plainly see the hurt on her face. He wanted to kiss all her fears and hurt away. He felt he could safely say he would never behave that way again. He had grown years in the last five months. That growth had shown him the good, the bad, and the ugly of his personality.
Some things he could not change about himself and would probably need a fat line of credit at the jewelry store and florist because of it, but he had changed where it really counted. He was ready to commit. He was ready to settle down, and Barbara was who he wanted and needed to feel whole.
“I behaved badly and I’m deeply sorry, but I’m home now and safe. I swear I’m never leaving like that ever again.” He tried to hold her. She was not receptive.“I swear I never meant to hurt you.”
“But the fact is you did, Mason! You should have thought about that before you took off. You hurt me, Robert, all of us. We were worried sick.” She moved away, stepping out of his embrace, shaking off any attempt of him to touch her. “No!” She held up her hands. She was not ready to go there.
She had already forgiven him months ago. It was too much to hold that grudge, and she needed to let him go in her heart and mind. She discovered as long as she was angry with him that he was always there keeping her torn apart. She let it go so when she thought of him it was to remember the laughter they shared and the way he looked the day in the hotel, wrapped in a towel fresh from the shower.
She had forgiven.
She just was not sure she could forget.
She was not sure she could forget the pain he had caused. But more importantly she was not sure she could forget the feelings of love and sensuality, friendship, and camaraderie she felt when she was with him. She had not shared all those things with Brian. Some, yes, but not all and not to the depth she felt for this man.
She looked at him and felt the emotions surface. “And I missed you desperately. I was in love with you, damn it!” She blurted out.
“Well, how the hell was I supposed to know!” He was not totally at fault. “The last time we talked you told me you never corrected my assumptions because you said you were not interested in me. What the hell was I supposed to think?”
Their emotionally charged feelings were their usual behaviors, and for the first time in ages, she began to feel alive again. She felt the frozen part of her heart that she had tucked away and preserved began to defrost. It was pleasure and pain all wrapped into one.
She came out fighting, placing a finger into his chest, slowly backing him up with every word she uttered. “Don’t you dare try to shift the blame back to me. I asked Robert to bring you back. But nooooo,” she said, stretching the word out, her gestures exaggerated. “Instead of acting like the man I know deep down you can be, you just took off like a spoiled child and hid halfway around the world. Your actions alone, Mason, never gave me the opportunity to let you know how I felt for you.”
She was angry. She was hurt. She was relieved that he was safe. And she could not deny that she was still in love with him.
Her silent tears pierced his heart.
He could feel her again for the first time in months. He felt her heat beat, he felt her fears of his leaving her again, and more than that he felt her fear to trust him again.
“What do you feel, Baby Doll?” He waited for her to answer. She looked at him as stony silence hung between them. “I have no delusions, Barbara, as to what I feel for you and how I feel about us.”
He opened his heart. If there was to be any hope, he had to be completely honest. That openness was something he was fully prepared and willing to be with her. She was his soulmate and destiny. Without her there beside him, his life was just not fulfilling. Looking back, it never really was and that was why he kept looking for happiness in all the wrong things.
“Don’t. Don’t even go there, Mason.” She held up her hands as if to stop his confession. He walked right into those hands placing them on his chest and covering hers with his own.
“Feel that?” he asked touching her hand over his heart. “I have not felt it beat in five months.”
He smiled softly. It felt good and right to be here with her. His soul was calm like a lake at dawn. It was soothed and tranquil for the first time in months. “So, can we safely debunk your theory of you being blissfully and totally happy only if I am halfway around the world? I tried that and you know what?”
She shook her head, not trusting her voice as tears streamed down her face. She remembered the conversation that fateful day in Robert's office.
"I’m thinking it really did not work out for either of us.”
He tenderly held her face in his hands, brushing those tears aside with the pads of his thumbs. “I know that I was a bastard and that I did not deserve you. But give me another chance. I promise your faith will not be misguided.”
She put her hands over his. “Mason, I can’t live with a man I can’t trust.”
“I know that. I’ve always known, and you have nothing to fear.” He desperately wanted her to believe he could be faithful.
He did not know that they were actually married until Robert had told him in the car on the ride back from the airport. Even not knowing, he had not once felt the desire to have sex with anyone except her while he had been away. That change alone let him know he was ready for a lifetime commitment, and the woman he wanted to spend that life with was standing here. Yet, she was so totally out of reach, cosmic light years away.
“But I saw you two together.” She closed her eyes against the memory of what she witnessed on that beach.
“I know you did.” He held her and squeezed in mute apology. He felt her withdrawing and gave her breathing room. If he pushed her or cornered her he would lose her for certain.
“I saw you two go into the hotel.”
“I went to her room. I won’t deny that, but I could not go through with it. It felt wrong. It was wrong. I knew I could not do that to us and I left her before I ever touched her. I never touched her or Carmen.”
“What about the first night?” she asked confused. He had been very specific, or had he? Now, she was not so sure.
“I decided that I wasn’t interested in her and had a piece of our wedding reception cake and beer at the bar, nothing more. Sometimes cake is just cake.” He quoted from the night they first arrived in Panama.
She looked skeptically at him. This was Mason she was talking to. “Oh, go try and pull the wool over someone else's eyes, Mason. You have never turned sex down in your life.”
“Before I took on that mission you are absolutely right, and oh, I’ve had ample opportunity since leaving. There are still willing women all over the world. I just do not feel the same since I kissed you there in that doorway of Robert’s office.”
He could see that she still did not believe him.
“Baby, I was telling the truth then, and I'm telling
the truth now. Other than that vulgar scene on the beach, I have not been with another woman since the day we said ‘I do’ standing in Robert’s office.”
“Then why did you do what you did on the beach?”
She watched as he furrowed his brow. “I was angry and felt out of control and overreacted with her. Those actions resulted in her death. It hurt you, too. Listen, Barbara, I’ve had months to sort this out. I was trying to get my center and equilibrium back using the things most familiar to me.”
Barbara shook her head. She had learned years ago never to fight fate. Mason had learned, but at what cost to both of them?
“So you were using sex and gambling to try and prove you were still in control of your own destiny.”
He nodded. It was time to get it out and in the open. He would lay it all out there, and if she turned him away, then at least he would know that she understood where he was coming from.
“What I felt for you scared the shit out of me. It still does, but now it scares me for very different reasons. I love you.”
“No, Mason. Don’t.” She did not want to hear it. It would only hurt even more when she made him leave.
“I. Love. You.” he whispered only inches from her mouth.
“God, please. Don’t do this to me,” she whispered faintly.
She knew that he was going to kiss her and she could not resist because there was no fight left in her. Even after everything that he put her through, she still loved him, too.
She took a bullet for him.
And contrary to what he might think, it was not something she would do just for a stranger. She had taken that bullet in his place because she would rather die than have a world without him in it. His absence the last five months just proved her right. She had existed, but was not alive. She was resigned, but not content or happy.
He captured her mouth, kissing her softly just savoring her nearness. There was no seduction intended. Wrapping her in his arms, he never wanted to let go. She had been his life preserver in the Bering Sea. She was his life line still.
“Oh, Mason.” She sighed heavily, tired from the emotional rollercoaster this man put her through. “What am I going to do with you,” she asked placing her palm against his rough cheek. She did not know if she had enough left in her to take him back or to let him go. Hugging his neck, she laid her forehead on his chest she inhaled. He smelled of fish, sweat, and travel. She did not care, for she was just grateful he was alive.
She could feel the difference in him.
“We have both changed,” she confessed.
Holding her away from him, he needed to look at her. After five months, both had changed from the hurt and the separation his actions created. He was fully prepared to take ownership. Some of that change was for the better. The rest, well, only time would tell, he reasoned.
He lifted her chin. “This change in me is for real, baby. I took on the most dangerous job in the world to see if Robert was right about me trying to fill the void in my life with danger and adrenaline. I was doing exactly that and it didn’t work. Do you know why?”
She shook her head.
“It didn’t work because the hole in my heart and the void in my soul are lacking you.”
She looked deeply into his eyes. She saw the truth there for what it was. She saw the knowledge, love, and resignation this new Mason felt. He was growing up and growing wise. However, it was just too little and a lot too late.
“Barbara, I won’t pressure you, and I’m not asking to move in here with you. All I’m asking is can you see a way to give me a month? Thirty days. That’s all I'm asking.”
How could he ask this of her?
She hesitated.
Either way that she answered that question, her life would take a drastic turn. He had torn her apart, leaving her bleeding and dying inside and out. And he would do so again and again. He was Mason and she would not ask him to change.
She weighed it out and answered carefully.
“No. No, I’m sorry, Mason. I’m just not sure I can let you tear me up again.” She shook her head.
Her soft words ripped through him like a torpedo through the hull of a ship. He was sinking fast, and he felt his world tilt as he squeezed her more tightly.
“All right, I deserve this.” He turned her loose and bent down to pick up his duffel.
He kissed her one more time on the crown of the head. “Lock the door behind me,” he said and walked out the door, almost wishing the Bering Sea had swallowed him whole. He felt himself sinking and suffocating from the pain in his heart. He had no one except himself to blame. He was seeing the fruit and consequences of his actions, and those actions had hurt not only him but all the people he loved as well.
Barbara heard the soft click of the door and her life, both past and future, flashed before her eyes. She could have years of safe, comfortable, and secure with Brian, or she could have Mason and whatever that would mean.
She jerked the door open. “Mason, wait. Stop!”
He turned looking longingly at her.
He loved her and she loved him. Life was short, and if he could change then so could she.
She threw caution to the wind.
She was jumping out of an airplane praying her chute would open, and if that chute didn’t open, then it would be one hell of a ride until the sudden stop.
“I won’t give you thirty days. I’ll give you a lifetime, however long or short that life might be.”
He met her halfway down the corridor. Pulling her to him, his world felt right as he crushed her to him and kissed her deeply and poured all the love he felt for her into that one kiss.
They were still mercenaries for hire and living a dangerous life all for the cause and safety of others. She understood this part of him and what would drive him to do this because she felt the same. He in turn accepted the fact she too would be going into danger. It was who and what they were, but they would always have each other's back.
“Till death do us part,” she whispered.
“As long as we both shall live,” he vowed just before kissing his bride.
Epilogue
“Mason? What are you doing?” Barbara asked, looking at her husband of more than four years and trying not to laugh as he chased after their daughter. He looked so serious, something he seldom was unless on a mission. She had to admit that life with him had been anything but dull. Just last week she had taken her first solo skydive. They were going again this next weekend.
“Well, she needs to learn that not everything is all fun and games. She needs to learn to be cautious,” Mason growled.
“I don’t totally disagree with you, Mase, but why now? She is only eighteen months old.”
“The girl has no fear.” Mason despaired that his daughter would ever learn to be careful.
“Wonder where she gets that from?”
Barbara asked looking at him with that smile she had which said, “This is entirely your fault.” Mason could not disagree with her in this instance. He had never doubted Claire was his baby. If she did not look just like him then her actions would bear it out as the truth.
“Do you see these,” Mason asked, pointing to the gray hairs beginning to grace his temples. “These are from her. And no daughter of mine is going to grow up to be a hellion, tossing all caution to the wind.”
Barbara burst out laughing. “The hens have come home to roost. Face it, Love. She is her father’s daughter.”
Barbara felt the phone vibrate on her hip.
Both Mason and Barbara stilled in the conversation.
She looked at the caller I.D. It was Robert.
“I’ll take it. I’m up to bat,” she said, then turned to go back into the house.
Less than five minutes later, she returned with a bag slung over her shoulder. Kissing the baby on the head and Mason on the lips, she handed him the phone.
“I’ll call you if I need anything, but I’ve got to go.”
“Where to now?” Mason as
ked still not caring for the fact she had gone back to work after the baby was born. However, she had promised to leave the more dangerous assignments to him, Chase, and the rest of the McKinnon-Bride team. Mason was holding her feet to that fire.
She still did bodyguard duty and even that was really more than he was comfortable with considering she was his wife and the mother of his child.
“I’m headed for Lubbock. Josh has just hired us to do guard-duty for a woman he has taken under his wing. She is some kind of forensic anthropologist and from the sound of it, he has it bad for this woman.” She grinned.
Barbara loved Josh and wanted only the best for him. Yet, he had been very private since returning from the jungles of Panama with his daughter. The little girl was traumatized, but doing much better. Jesse was now fifteen and growing up. Josh had dated very little, focusing on Jesse and getting her back on even footing, psychologically speaking.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” Mason said softly. “It’s about time Josh let Panama go,” he said, gently tracing the scar on her arm. It was a daily reminder of what he gave up for this woman. More importantly, it was a reminder of what he gained and what he almost lost through his own foolish pride.
For Mason, Panama was a memory that he would never let go.
Preview - Bones of Contention - Book 3 The McKinnon Legends The American Men
Coming Christmas 2013
Prologue
1640 B.C.
The Isle of Crete
“No, Lysander, no! I’ve changed my mind!” Melitta scrambled off the divan as another tremor rocked the villa, sending plaster falling and shattering as it hit the highly polished mosaic floor. “You will not take him!” She stood firm against the white-cloaked trio invading her most private chambers. “You cannot have my baby! Lysander, for the love of the goddess, please, do something!” Melitta cried frantically, looking to her husband and fighting the hands reaching for her child.
