by Lazeema Haq
“A few days.”
“Are you kidding me? Forget it. I’ll get my assistant to make an appointment for you with my doctor.”
“Tristan, stop freaking out. I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. You’ve been working your ass off lately and barely getting any sleep.”
She wanted to point out she’d only worked three nights this past week – the minimum shifts needed in a week to pay rent – but held her tongue. “If I don’t hear back in two or three days, I’ll see your doctor. Okay?”
His reluctance was obvious, but at least he didn’t argue with her further. “Fine. Two days.”
Irritated by his domineering tone, she reminded herself to be patient with him. Tristan wasn’t used to waiting; he had a tendency to deal with problems as quickly as possible, especially with anything involving her. “I’m okay. I promise.”
“Don’t patronise me,” he snapped. “I’m not a fucking child.”
Before she would have simply hung up on him; now, she remained silent on the phone, knowing he would calm down enough to talk things out eventually. Besides, hanging up would only lead to another fight and that was the last thing she wanted.
It was a while before he responded. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m just worried.”
“I know.”
“And I’m pissed I have to cancel dinner tonight. I’m swamped at work. I have no idea what time I’ll be done.”
“It’s okay. It happens.”
“Unless you want to drop by my office for a bit? I can get something delivered.”
She paused, wondering if that was really a good idea. He already sounded aggravated as it was, and that meant the littlest thing would provoke him into an argument.
“You know what? Nevermind, don’t worry about it.” There was a deliberate sharpness in his tone; he was upset.
“I’ll come by.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, what time?”
“Whenever. Bring your books if you want. You can stay here and study while I work.”
“Gee, that sounds like so much fun.”
“You want fun? Dress up like a naughty school girl when you come over.”
“That sounds like fun for you,” she pointed out, smiling. “Not so much for me.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make it worth your while. I’ll do that thing again you like so much,” he murmured in a suggestive tone.
Her cheeks flushed red, knowing exactly what he was talking about.
“I should’ve known you’d have a fetish for rim jobs,” he teased.
“Shut up, Tristan!” she said, embarrassed.
He replied with a hearty laugh.
“Don’t order dinner,” she said. “I’ll pick up something on the way.”
“None of that cheap fast food stuff, okay? I think that’s why you’ve been so ill lately.”
“Yeah, yeah, fine. I’ll see you in a bit.”
Hanging up the phone, she flopped back on the couch and pondered the pregnancy tests she was holding. What the hell was she going to do if she was pregnant? Tristan had once told her he had no interest in having children. Because of his own traumatic childhood, he worried about being a horrible parent and ruining the life of an innocent child. As for herself, she had never thought of having kids one way or another but she definitely wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility at this point in her life. She was still in school, barely making enough money to support herself let alone a child. And the fact remained she was still a complete mess, struggling every day as it was. Not to mention that things with Tristan weren’t exactly great either. Never having been involved in a relationship for this long before, she didn’t know if it was normal to feel vulnerable and scared as she did with him every moment – especially after their last horrible encounter when she had almost lost him. These days she walked on eggshells around him, knowing it was only a matter of time before their next big fight happened. How fair was it to bring a kid into that kind of chaos?
Yawning, she lay down on the couch and started reading the instructions on one of the packages.
Although she felt guilty about keeping him in the dark, there was no point in needlessly worrying him. If luck was on her side, there wouldn’t even be something to be concerned about.
She closed her eyes, telling herself she was only going to rest for a few minutes. That’s it. Fifteen minutes tops. Soon, she was fast asleep.
*****
It was the heat that woke her up, and she reluctantly opened her eyes to find a warm blanket covering her. For the first few seconds she simply stared up at the ceiling, still feeling drowsy. Suddenly remembering her dinner plans with Tristan, she glanced at the clock. Shit. It was almost ten at night, she’d been asleep for nearly three hours. Rising quickly, she was about to head to the bathroom when a loud banging noise caught her attention. She rushed to the kitchen to find Tristan picking up pieces of a broken plate from the floor.
“Tristan, you okay?”
He didn’t look at her. “Don’t move. Let me clean this up.”
Not listening to him, she grabbed the sweeper and started helping him.
Shortly after, they were both washing their hands at the sink.
“I fell asleep. Sorry,” she said, smiling up at him.
He turned away and headed to the stove. “Hungry?”
“Starving, actually.”
“Makes sense. Since you’re possibly eating for two.”
She froze in place, silent, staring at his back. Fuck.
He faced her again, his mouth set in a grim tight line, a cold expression masking his features. “When were you planning to tell me?”
“Once I knew for sure.”
“And then what? We’d live happily ever after with a little brat running around?”
Rage surged through her, potent and furious, and she had to use every bit of strength she possessed to keep her temper in check.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Taking the pregnancy test from Vesper’s hand, Tristan covered her with a throw before sitting down next to her. At first he simply sat there in shock, staring at the damn test. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, frozen with fear. Pregnant. Fuck. The thought of it alone made him want to retch.
He turned to look at her, wondering how she could sleep so calmly while he was drowning in chaos and dread. Why? Why the fuck did this have to happen now when things were great between them? No longer did they argue about unnecessary issues after working through all the things that kept them at each other’s throat. When they first started dating, he used to love provoking Vesper into full-fledged arguments, mostly because she’d be too angry to keep her guard up during those times. These days, however, they were honest with each other, trusted one another, and he no longer had to resort to such drastic measures to get her to open up. He remembered all too well the hostility between Arthur and his mom, always bickering and screaming at each other until his father finally moved out. Even after when Arthur still came to visit, his parents could barely stand to be civil to each other. Now, he didn’t want to be part of anything that resembled what his parents shared. He and Vesper were better than that, and they were finally at a place where they could simply be with each other without the need to play games. Or so he thought.
He studied her intently while she slept. It ate him up to realise how easy it was for her to lie to him, to pretend everything was fine. There had been no hitch in her voice, no tell-tale signs that she’d been keeping a secret, and the idea she could be that dishonest with him gave him pause. She knew how adamant he was against having kids, how much the thought terrified him, yet she hadn’t given him a single hint that it was a possibility he may soon have to deal with. Why? How? Numerous questions flooded his brain, and he was overcome with anger. Throw
ing the test aside, he stormed into the kitchen.
Tristan had no doubt in his mind he would be a horrible parent; he was selfish, too much of an asshole and, as much as he was loath to admit, he shared the very same qualities that made Arthur such an appalling father. No way in hell was he willing to repeat that cycle; he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he’d hurt an innocent child. And Vesper wasn’t exactly great parental material either. Either way, their kid would be fucked.
In the past he’d always been careful about using protection, but his resolve had relaxed considerably with Vesper – not because he’d changed his mind about having children, but rather that he was too focused on her (holding on to her, loving her, not losing her) than to think about protection. It had always been that way, and that blissful ignorance was now going to cost him the most important thing in his life: his relationship with Vesper. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Life was a fuckload of irony.
*****
“When were you planning to tell me?” Tristan demanded.
“Once I knew for sure.”
“And then what? We’d live happily ever after with a little brat running around?”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Do you think I planned this?” Vesper asked, staring up at him. Arms crossed, hostility flaring in her eyes, she was on defensive mode and gunning for a fight. “Why, so I can hold on to you and your money?”
A bitter laugh escaped his lips. “You’re fucking kidding me, right? I’m not worried about you trying to trap me. I’m worried you’ll use this fucking baby as an excuse to end things!” Her flushed face and guilt-soaked eyes, combined with her refusal to deny the accusation further solidified his paranoia. Wait. No, he wasn’t being paranoid. The thought of leaving him had definitely crossed her mind. Red, hot rage swept over him. “Is that it? You knew I couldn’t be with you if you decided to keep this kid and figured this was the perfect way to get rid of me?”
“Do you realise how ridiculous you sound?”
His heart ached with despair. “I know how your mind works. You always want to find something wrong with me so you can justify running.” All he wanted was for her to tell him he was wrong, but she didn’t, her eyes filling up with tears. She turned her back to him, guilt evident in her every gesture. He wanted to scream at her, shake her, cling to her so she could never leave him.
Too wrapped up in his own insecurities to console her, he stood there and watched her cry.
*****
According to both tests, Vesper wasn’t pregnant. Although relieved, he was also hesitant to fully believe the news until his own doctor confirmed it. Hanging up his cell, Tristan glanced at Vesper who was sitting at the other end of the couch. Her eyes were cast downward, her expression unreadable. “He can see you first thing tomorrow morning.”
She remained silent.
“I’ll go with you.”
Vesper met his gaze. “You’re never going to trust me, are you?”
His jaw clenched with anger. “Can you blame me? You weren’t exactly forthcoming with the truth tonight.”
She peered up at him. “It doesn’t matter what I do, or say, or how much I bend over backwards to show you I care, you’ll never stop believing I’m looking for a way out.”
“What you say?” he fired back. “But there are things you never say, Vesper. Do you really want to pull at that thread?”
“I cut down my hours so we could have more time together. Now I’m barely making enough to pay rent, let alone birth control pills and you’re still not satisfied!”
He dragged his fingers through his hair, seething with disbelief. “Are you saying we’re in this mess because you’re too proud to tell me you need help? And you have the fucking nerve to accuse me of not trusting you?”
“What the hell was I supposed to do? Beg you for money?”
Her words hurt far more than he’d expected. “Beg? No, not beg. I thought you knew me better than that.” His anger deflated, all he felt now was heartbreaking pain. “I hoped you loved me enough to turn to me if you were in trouble. Guess I was wrong.”
She stood up and moved closer to him, her gaze softening as she cradled his face. Her unexpected tenderness caught him by surprise.
“I’m trying, Tristan. I really am, but it hasn’t been easy.”
“Then try harder.” He regretted his harsh tone instantly, and caught her hand when she attempted to move away. “I know it’s not easy. It wasn’t for me either, letting you in.” He kissed their intertwined hands. “I’ll be more patient, I swear. Just promise me something.”
“What?”
“That you’ll never leave me. No matter what. If I knew that, I could fully trust you.” He gripped her hand tighter. “Isn’t that what you want?”
“Yes,” she whispered, her voice quivering.
“Then give me your word.”
Every second she hesitated was agonising torture for him. After a long pause, she finally conceded. “Okay.”
He encircled her in his arms and hugged her tightly, hoping that dreadful feeling of uncertainty would disappear now. Over the past few months he’d buried that emotion deep down within, telling himself everything was fine between them but tonight it had all come rushing up to the surface, the fear still alive and thriving, refusing to ease its hold on him. Cupping her face, he kissed her with a fierceness that scorched him, and her, forcing him to drown out all his thoughts and insecurities. Focus on her. Only on her. All that mattered were his feelings for Vesper. As long as he clung to them, everything would be fine.
*****
Vesper closed the bathroom door behind her quietly, careful not to wake Tristan up. For several minutes she stared at herself in the mirror, pondering how her reflection appeared so normal when her insides were in complete turmoil. Caught in a downward spiral where everything was falling apart around her, all she wanted was some kind of control. For the first time in years, she experienced that desperate need to exert power over the only thing she had left: her own body.
Before she could give into that feeling, she quickly rushed out of the bathroom. Sliding in next to Tristan, she squeezed her eyes shut and latched on to him, willing herself to ignore that intense craving which had already begun to spread through her like a virus. No, no, no. She wouldn’t give into it.
She couldn’t.
She shouldn’t.
She wouldn’t.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Vesper rushed forward as soon as she spotted Akil getting out of his car and leapt into his arms. After not seeing him for months she missed him desperately, especially now when her life was so chaotic. Akil had always been a calming influence on her, and most importantly, he was someone who never judged her, not even after discovering the part Vesper had played in Latoya’s downward spiral. As the three of them were friends, Vesper had expected him to cut off all ties with her after Latoya was arrested, but he didn’t. To this day Vesper was grateful for the unconditional love and support he’d offered even though she didn’t deserve it.
“Woah, girl. Calm your tits. Don’t want your man getting all jealous on us now, do we?”
She planted a wet kiss on his right cheek. “Like I’d let him stop me.” Grabbing his overnight bag, she looped her arm through his and they headed towards her apartment building. “Besides, he’s not even here.”
“Really?” he sighed with disappointment. “I was really hopin’ to have some fun with that gorgeous motherfucker. Where’s he at anyway?”
“New York. Work stuff. You know the drill.”
“Must be nice having a man bringing home big bills.”
“It’s not my money. It’s his.”
“You tellin’ me he’s not generous with it?”
“No, he is. Very.”
He stopped mid-stride, searching her face. “Then why do you so
und so fucking depressed? You wanna tell me what’s up with you?”
She shook her head, giving him a dismissive smile. “Nothing. I was just kidding.”
“You ain’t foolin’ anyone. You know that, right?”
“Akil, drop it.”
He cocked his perfectly-threaded eyebrow and gave her a disconcerting once-over. “Bitch, I didn’t come all this way for fake-ass conversations. What the fuck is going on with you?”
“Why don’t we go upstairs, you can settle in, and then we’ll talk?”
He narrowed his eyes, studying her, before finally relenting. “Fine.”
Vesper breathed a sigh of relief. Settling in for Akil usually meant getting blitzed in between rounds of drinks. In that state, scrutinising her problems would be the farthest thing from his mind. Frankly, she spent too much of her time analysing things as it was; she didn’t want any of that to get in the way of her having a good time with Akil.
*****
Nestled on the couch with her head resting on Akil’s lap, she giggled as he smoked the spliff pressed between his lips and promptly started coughing.
“Goddamn, this shit is strong. It’s burning me up.”
She rolled her eyes up at him. “Yet you won’t stop.”
He rubbed his chest, a lewd smile on his face. “’cause it feels so damn good.”
“Loser.”
“So you wanna explain what’s going on with that fine man of yours?”
Her smile stiffened. She had hoped Akil would be too distracted to question her, but apparently he wasn’t. “I told you, nothing’s going on.”
“You always been a horrible liar, Ves.”
Irritated, she sat up and scooted to the other end of the couch.
“What? What is it? Tristan ain’t greasing the wheel as much as he used to?” he prodded.
A hot blush spread across her cheeks.
“’cause that’s normal, sugar. You just gotta find a way to bring that fire back.”
“It’s not that. When it comes to sex, he’s always ready to go.”
