by Lazeema Haq
Chapter Thirty-Three
Tristan opened the door and sauntered into the bar. In the recesses of his dark, troubled mind a voice stirred, urging him to lose himself in the relief that alcohol provided, but he fought the temptation. Spotting Akil sitting at a booth nearby, he quickly walked over. It had surprised him when Akil texted him earlier asking to meet, and since then he’d been tense with worry. A quick glance at Akil revealed Tristan had every right to feel that way. Usually quick with the witty remarks, Akil’s face was covered in concern. “How bad is she?”
“I don’t know what the fuck happened with the two of you–”
“How. Is. She?”
Akil hesitated for a second before answering. “Some days she’s good, others… not so much. She needs help.”
“Then get her it!”
Akil’s face crinkled with disgust. “You really think shit’s that easy, don’t you? Treatment costs money, a shitload of it. And the rest of us not born with silver spoons in our month don’t have it lyin’ around.”
“Whatever it is that you need–”
“There’s this clinic, like a rehab I guess, in San Francisco. Has a good reputation for treating problems like the ones Vesper has.”
“Xaviers, right?”
“Yeah. How the hell did you know that?”
Tristan shrugged his shoulders. “I’ve had free time on my hands lately. Spent a lot of it trying to figure out how I could make things better for Vesper. What I could have done, should’ve done.”
“Wish you gave that much of a damn when you were actually with her.”
Tristan leveled Akil with a somber stare. “I’ll take care of the cost.”
“I have some money saved up but it ain’t enough. And I’m worried the longer she waits, the worse she’ll get.”
“I told you, I’ll cover it.”
“She ain’t gonna take it from you. Hell, if she finds out I’m here she’ll kick my ass from here to Sunday.”
“She won’t know because you won’t tell her.” Tristan replied, leaning back. The waitress came by to ask for their orders but he shook his head ‘no’. After she left, he found himself under Akil’s scrutinising glare.
“Why’d you have to fuck things up?” Akil asked after a long bout of silence. “Why’d you have to mess her up?”
Tristan felt that perpetual wave of guilt again. “I don’t know.”
“I guess I’m supposed to be all grateful and shit but I’m not. ’cause you rich white folks think you can throw money at a problem and boom! Shit’s gone! You never have to deal with the consequences of the fuckups you pull.”
Tristan remained silent.
“If I didn’t think she needed help now I’d take your offer and shove it up your ass.”
“I know.”
“She hates you. She ain’t ever gonna come back to you. So if you hoping to be her saviour by payin’ for this clinic I ain’t takin’ your blood money.”
“No, that’s not what I’m hoping for. I know there’s no chance for us.” The words hurt, reverberating through his soul, but Tristan believed them with absolute conviction. “I just want her to be happy, safe, and she can’t be that if I’m around her. I have no intention of being in her life again, and I don’t want you to tell her about the money thing.”
Akil didn’t say anything, simply staring at him. The tension was palpable, and Tristan realised he had to get out of here before he gave into his demons and took a drink. He pulled out his wallet and took out a card, handing it to Akil. “That’s my lawyer. Give him a call. He’ll arrange everything. I’m not going to be around for a few months so if you need anything, contact him.” He stood up.
“Need a vacation after all the trouble you caused?” Akil asked, tapping the card on the table.
“The old man thought it’d be a good idea for the two of us to take off for a while.”
“Vesper said you hated the son of a bitch.”
Tristan nodded his head. “I did, but it turns out I’m a lot worse than he ever was.” He wanted to say so much more to Akil, tell him how much he valued their friendship, beg him to look after Vesper, but he knew it wasn’t his place. “See you around.”
“I was rooting for you,” Akil said, a hint of sadness in his voice.
Without responding, Tristan strode outside and towards the parking lot. The cold air nipped at his face and it was a welcome respite from the suffocating atmosphere in the bar. He slid inside his car but didn’t start the engine right away, instead staring out the mirror.
After everything that happened he had to atone for his mistakes, for the violence that he was capable of. He loved Vesper, loved her more than he ever thought possible – but he was dangerous, and she was absolutely right to demand he stay away from her. He had made a promise to her, and himself, that he’d respect her wishes and he meant it – but that wasn’t enough. His words would mean nothing if he didn’t stop being the monster that he was, if he didn’t at least attempt to change.
Unfortunately he had no idea how to go about doing that, but mending his relationship with Arthur was a start. After all, that was what Vesper had wanted and he owed that to her and himself.
*****
They’d been on the road for a while, the air filled with palpable silence except for the reggae music that played quietly in the car. Although Vesper felt Akil’s gaze on her occasionally, she was grateful he didn’t probe her to talk. An hour later they were sitting outside on a bench at a road-side restaurant, chewing on hot dogs. “Are you sure about this, Akil? I know it’s a lot of money.”
“I told you. You don’t gotta worry about that.”
“Yeah, but that’s all your savings.”
“Yeah, and you’re family.”
She sensed the simmering anger underlying his kind words, threatening to explode if not for the severe control he was exercising over his feelings. The last few days he’d been incredibly patient with her but she knew deep down he was pissed. “I know what Jess said to you but I wasn’t trying to hurt myself, Akil. At least not on purpose.”
“I don’t get why the fuck you didn’t call me in the first place. Why did I have to hear from some chick I don’t even know that you’re in trouble instead of you reaching out to me?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t think about all that. I just… it all got to be too much.” She didn’t tell him about the nights she spent pressing a razor against the inside of her thighs, dying – just dying – for the desperate relief that would come with every sharp prick in her body. The voice in her head demanded satisfaction, an escape from the overwhelming emotions, and it was only after she drugged herself that she was able to silence that craving.
“You the only family I got, Ves. You and Latoya. And I already lost her!”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered quietly.
“I can’t lose you too.”
Akil was her rock, the one person in her life who never judged her, but it had never occurred to her that maybe she was the same for him. To see him this devastated because of something she’d done was far more gut-wrenching than she could have imagined. Reaching out, she squeezed his hand.
“You’ve got to get better, Ves.”
She nodded her head. “I know. I want to stop feeling this pain, this guilt. I want to be happy.”
“You deserve it, but it ain’t gonna be easy.”
Vesper took a deep breath. “I know.”
He stood up, throwing his half-eaten hot dog into the garbage. “We best get going.”
“Not enjoying the food?”
“It tastes like ass.”
“I thought you liked ass.”
Akil grinned. “Bitch, don’t you start with me.”
Back on the road, her hesitations kicked in again. The logical part of he
r knew she needed help, that although there were moments she felt strong and in control there were other days when she was ready to fall into a pit of despair. She had no idea if going to a clinic would actually help her and now that Akil was bearing the cost of it, she felt even more pressure to fix herself. What if she couldn’t keep her word? What if she was too weak? She used to think of herself as a survivor, able to withstand anything and just keep going, but obviously that was no longer true. Tristan had seen to that. Did she have any strength left after everything he’d taken from her?
Akil cast her a side long glance, and she noted the worried glint in his eyes again. Then a new thought flashed through her brain. Maybe she didn’t have the resolve to get better but Akil did, he had the strength she needed and the unconditional love that would motivate her to stay the course. Tristan may have tried to destroy her but she was still here and it was all because of her friends. Akil was on her side, ready to help her through anything, and it gave her a twisted sense of confidence to know Tristan would never have that kind of person in his life. No matter how many good things Tristan had going for him, he would always find a way to be alone and miserable – but that didn’t mean she had to suffer the same fate. In Akil she had love and a family, and for him she would at least try and fight to get better.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Fuck Tristan. She would get better, she absolutely would. No matter how much work it took, she was determined to defeat her demons - not just for Akil, but also for herself. At the very least, Vesper owed herself that.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Two years later
Vesper studied the faces of the others gathered in the front lobby of the correctional facility as they all awaited instructions on what to do next. Some of the visitors appeared happy, others excited, and then there were those who didn’t want to be there at all. What impression did she convey? Was her nervousness obvious? Could people tell she’d been up all night tossing and turning? After so many years she was finally going to see Latoya today and it was both thrilling and nerve-wracking.
To think it all began with a letter to Latoya, a suggestion made by Vesper’s counsellor as a way to cope with the guilt she felt for abandoning her sister. In the first letter she had simply pled for forgiveness but it had gone unanswered. Despite her initial instinct to give up, she had continued on, and little by little the written communications became easier. Although there was no response at first, a part of her sensed her letters weren’t being ignored. One day out of the blue Latoya called from prison, and even though the conversation had been awkward, small talk at best, it was all the encouragement Vesper needed to ask for Latoya’s permission to visit. Her sister had initially refused but after months of exchanging letters and short phone calls, Latoya had finally agreed. It took a few weeks for the paperwork to go through, and now that day was here.
After going through the requisite metal detector and contraband search, she finally walked into the meeting center. It was an open visit, which meant they would be face to face instead of Latoya being stuck behind a glass. She could actually hug her sister, the thought of which thrilled Vesper. Taking a seat at one of the tables, she waited patiently for the guards to escort the inmates into the room. Finally, Latoya came in behind one of the officers and Vesper found herself frozen in place at the sight of her.
Latoya had always been beautiful, and, strangely enough, prison hadn’t changed that. Her complexion was flawless, dark ebony skin showing no signs of the years that passed. In the past Latoya had been thin but now her arms were muscular, and her hair was arranged neatly in cornrows. Even in drab prison garb, Latoya somehow managed to look ethereal. Vesper smiled, her heart soaring. The paralysing anxiety from earlier seemed to melt away as Latoya slowly approached her.
“Hi,” Vesper smiled.
Latoya gave her an awkward nod. “Hey.”
Vesper wrapped her arms around her sister and gave her a tight hug, and was pleased when Latoya returned the embrace. The guards sent them a warning glance, a reminder they were only allowed minimal physical contact. Grudgingly, Vesper released Latoya and they both sat down.
“I can’t believe it’s really you,” Vesper said, her voice breaking with emotion.
“I’ve always been here. You’re the one who disappeared.”
Vesper ignored the bitterness in her best friend’s tone; it was only natural Latoya was hurt. “I….” She exhaled a troubled breath. “I know I can’t make up for what I did, but I’m so sorry, Latoya. I messed up, I messed up so badly and an apology doesn’t make things any easier for you–”
“But it helps,” Latoya interjected, a small smile lighting up her face.
To Vesper it was a beautiful sight, a world full of hope, and she reached out to hold Latoya’s hand. “You keep saying you’re okay. Are you really? Are they treating you alright here?”
“Guess it could be a lot worse. I just try and stay out of trouble.”
“Do you need anything?”
“Pack of smokes is always good.”
“I’m not giving you cancer sticks,” Vesper huffed. “I’ll send you some money.”
Latoya rolled her eyes, wearing a grudging smile. “So I know why my hair looks like shit. Patty got released a while back and I’ve been getting my hair done by a nobody, but why the hell is yours such a mess?”
Instantly Vesper started laughing. To Latoya, bad hair was never acceptable. “Hair isn’t exactly first priority these days. I’ve been busy with exams and counselling.”
“So you really seeing a shrink?”
“Yup. She was the one who pushed me to write.”
“I’m stuck in here, and you throw yourself in the loony bin. Can’t believe Akil is the normal one out of all of us.”
“He’ll split your head if he finds out you called him normal.” Vesper chuckled. “Besides, my stay did me good. It was the best thing I could have done for myself.”
Latoya’s eyebrow lifted with concern. “You fixed yet?”
Vesper shrugged her shoulders. “Not sure if I’ll ever be ‘fixed’.” She pantomimed air quotes around the last word. “But I’m getting close to functional so that’s something. What about you? Find a girlfriend in here?” she teased.
To an outsider her words may have come across as rude but Latoya simply laughed.
They chatted about their lives and daily routines, slipping back into their old friendship without a hint of the conflict that separated them.
“Keep staring at me like that and all these people will think I’m your bitch or something.”
Vesper cracked a smile. “I can’t help it.”
“When was the last time you seen Akil? Must have been a while. He wouldn’t let you walk around looking like a sister-wife.”
Vesper brushed her fingers through the long strands, making a face. “Few months. He’s been busy, so have I.”
“Best make an hair appointment before you come back to see me again. Not sure I can put up with this look for long.”
“Alright, alright. I got it. I’ll get a haircut. Spiff up.”
“Damn right.”
Soon the corrections officer announced visiting hours were ending and slowly began to empty the room. While others said their goodbyes Vesper and Latoya sat in comfortable silence, only exchanging a quiet smile. Eventually Latoya was escorted out and Vesper waved back, watching her sister disappear behind the door.
Twenty minutes later she was still sitting in her parked car, finding it hard to drive away. Tears streamed down her face but they weren’t tears of sadness. No, she was ecstatic that after all these years she had finally reconciled with Latoya. Thanks to her counsellor, she had learned to come to terms with everything that happened. She was no longer consumed with guilt, instead choosing to focus on more productive things. For the first time in a long while, things we
re actually progressing well in her life. Life wasn’t perfect, and every once in a while it felt overwhelming, but for the most part she felt hopeful about the future. There were so many things to look forward to, goals to accomplish and she was learning to enjoy living in the moment. Thanks to her wonderful support system, Vesper knew she could tackle any challenges that would come her way. Today, she reconnected with her sister. Maybe tomorrow, she could wear something that exposed her scars to the world and not care about what anyone else thought.
Smiling, she swiped the tears from her face and started the car.
Vesper and Tristan’s journey isn’t over.
Stay tuned.
Visit www.lazeema-haq.com for more details.
Acknowledgements
Every writer should have a friend who can edit, format, and debate endlessly about the hotness of fictional characters. Luckily, I do. Jen, thank you for poring over my words and turning them into something readable.
Tanya, you push me to do things that take me out of my comfort zone. One of these days, we’ll end up in jail because of it. Maybe I can write the next novel in there.
Pinder, thank you for agreeing to be my cover model, and for not exhibiting any of your usual diva antics during the shoot. It took a lot of hard work on your part, but you did it with great aplomb.
This cover is exactly what I wanted and I have you to thank for that, David. I’m grateful for your patience and creativity and hope my characters elicit the same devotion in readers that you have for Transformers.
About the Author
Lazeema Haq used to be a chemist. While she never synthesized blue meth or took over any cartels, she still found wet chemistry adventurous. These days she lectures people on compliance, enjoys Turkish serials and writes novels in her spare time.
Table of Contents
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
