by Sandra Brown
He pushed away from the window and went to a chair. Falling into it heavily, he stared at the floor between his widespread knees. “My father was a kind man. He never did anything to intentionally hurt anyone. But he never displayed affection either. Never once do I remember him hugging Bob or me. I know he loved Mother, but I never heard him tell her he did. He scoffed at overt shows of affection. He equated tenderness with weakness. I guess I take after him that way. I don’t want to. I try to be as physically affectionate with Theron as possible. I don’t want him to miss that… that fondling.” Erik looked up at her then. “I want you to know that, as much as I’m capable, I love you. I’m sorry I can’t express it any better than I do. And I need to know that you care at least a little for me,” he added gruffly.
“Erik,” she whispered. “Erik.” Being married to Seth prevented her from verbalizing the love that flooded her whole being, but she could show it to him. Kathleen opened her arms and he came to lie beside her on the bed.
All through the night, she held him.
Chapter Twenty
“Where the hell have you been?” Eliot demanded angrily.
Kathleen had just turned the key in the doorknob of her room at West End. She and Erik had made the flight from Chub Cay. Erik was standing behind her and she could feel the scowl forming on his face when he saw Eliot.
“What are you doing here, Eliot?” she asked, stupefied. She hadn’t quite assimilated the fact that her idyll with Erik had come to an end. By slow degrees, they had withdrawn from each other as they got closer to Grand Bahama Island. First by not touching, then by not speaking, then by not looking, they had ceased to be that one unit they had formed in the small room on Chub Cay and became two individuals again. Each felt an inevitable wedge being driven between them that neither wanted to accept or cope with. Now Eliot was glaring at her accusingly and looking at Erik as if he would like to kill him.
“I hope you’ve had a good time, Kathleen,” Eliot dripped with sarcasm. “I’ve been here since yesterday afternoon waiting for you.”
“I… took some time off. I went to another island. The storm came up. Erik was anxious about me, and when he came—”
“Spare me the titillating details.” Eliot shot a venomous look at Erik.
“What was so important that you had to come here without even calling?” Kathleen asked hurriedly.
“Seth’s in the hospital,” he said succinctly. “He’s in ICU. He didn’t want you to come rushing home on his account, but George called and told me he thought you should come home right away. Your husband’s dying,” he said brutally.
Kathleen clamped her hands over her mouth. All the blood drained from her face as she stared at Eliot over the tops of her hands.
“Eliot, you can stop throwing daggers at us. Kathleen didn’t know,” Erik said with exceptional calm. “Please tell us what’s happened.”
Eliot stared at them sulkily. For the first time, Kathleen noticed how haggard he looked. His clothes were rumpled and his hair was mussed. He hadn’t shaved. She’d never seen Eliot with one thread out of place. “Seth was taken to the hospital three days ago. George told me that when Seth had his accident, his kidneys were irreparably damaged and have been degenerating ever since. He’s apparently fought it, but his system is now poisoning itself. He didn’t want us to call you, Kathleen. George and I decided otherwise.”
She took two steps toward him, her hands extended in a pleading gesture. “Eliot, were you exaggerating? He’s not really…”
Her voice trailed off and she searched his face for traces of characteristic cynicism. There were none. He looked at Erik, then back to her, and she knew that what he had said was true.
“No,” she wailed. “Please, God, no!” She covered her face with her hands and crumpled onto the bed.
“Kathleen.” It was Erik’s voice. “You haven’t got time for that now.”
“He’s right, Kathleen,” Eliot said. “I came down in a chartered jet. We’ve been waiting for you to come back. We need to return to San Francisco immediately.”
“Yes. Okay,” she mumbled, and began roaming sightlessly around the room. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t think.
“Leave all this stuff here. I’ll have it packed up and sent home,” Erik offered. He placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. “Don’t worry about anything. I’ll wind things up here and then join you in San Francisco tomorrow morning.”
“No!” She jerked away from him. His face registered mute surprise. “I… I think it would be best if you stayed here and finished what you were doing. Seth would want that, and I don’t think you should be… close to… at the hospital.”
The implication was clear. She didn’t want him with her. Her wandering eyes, which refused to look at him, irritated him. He pinched her chin with his thumb and forefinger and turned her face toward him. With steely blue eyes, he looked into the guilt-ridden depths of hers. His mouth went thin with anger. Over her head, he spoke to Eliot. “Take care of her. If there’s anything I can do, let me know. We’ll cut this short and I’ll be back by the day after tomorrow.”
“Okay,” said Eliot as Erik closed the door behind him. Kathleen sat on the bed again, staring at her hands, her shoulders slumped. She had neither the mental nor physical fortitude to do more than that. She was moving only by commands.
Eliot walked over to her and said, “Kathleen, let’s go.”
Without carrying more than her purse, she left the room with him. The trip back to San Francisco she never remembered. Kathleen did as she was told, but thought of nothing except her husband lying in a hospital bed in critical condition while she had been loving another man on a tropical island. She deserved to be punished, but why had God selected Seth instead of her? Hadn’t Seth suffered enough? Why was he the recipient of the retribution she deserved?
She wanted to go straight from the airport to the hospital, but Eliot refused. “You look like something out of a monster movie, Kathleen. Seth’s gravely ill, and your appearance will do nothing to make him feel better. When you go in to see him, you should be looking like the goddess he believes you to be.” By his words, Kathleen knew that Eliot didn’t think of her as such, but she was too concerned about Seth to care at that moment what Eliot thought of her.
She was glad she had consented to go home first when she looked at herself in the mirror. She did indeed look like something out of a nightmare. Hurriedly, she bathed, washed her hair and twisted it up neatly, and applied a minimum amount of makeup.
Theron, of course, was elated to see her. She hugged him fiercely but played with him only a few minutes. He began to wail mournfully when she gave him back to Alice and left with Eliot. Her son’s crying broke her heart, but her first priority now was her husband.
Hazel was standing sentinel outside Seth’s ICU. Her expression was venomous as she watched Kathleen approach. “You took your time,” she hissed. “Personally, I had hoped never to see you again, but Seth will be delighted that you have arrived in time to watch him die.”
“Where is the doctor who’s treating him?” Kathleen asked, ignoring Hazel’s cruel words.
“He’s in there with Seth.” She turned her back to Kathleen and moved away.
Kathleen leaned against the wall weakly. Eliot, who hadn’t left her side except for the time she was dressing at home, took her hand and squeezed it between his. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I acted like a real sonofabitch.”
Kathleen smiled up at him. “You acted like the true friend you are.” She shut her eyes briefly and said quietly, “Besides, I deserved no lighter judgment.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Kathleen. You couldn’t have known.”
“I should have. I sensed something, but when I asked him about it, he wouldn’t tell me.” She sighed. “I should have insisted. I should have been here.”
“You’re here now. That’s the important thing.” He hesitated a moment before he asked bluntly, “You’re i
n love with Gudjonsen, aren’t you?”
Quickly, she looked up at Eliot. “How… how did you know?”
He smiled. “When two people conveniently disappear for two days and come back looking as guilty as you two did, it’s rather obvious what they’ve been doing. And as pure of spirit as you are, you couldn’t screw… pardon me… you couldn’t make love to someone you weren’t in love with. Am I right?”
“Yes, I love him,” she said softly. “But I love Seth, too. Only differently, you know?”
Eliot hugged her to him. “Yeah, I know. Ain’t life grand?” All the bitterness in the world was concentrated into his words.
The door beside them opened and George came out followed by a balding man whom Kathleen assumed was the doctor.
“Hello, Kathleen,” George said kindly, and took her hand. She wished everyone would stop treating her with such kindness. She didn’t feel that her recent behavior warranted it.
“Hello, George.” She found when she tried to speak that her lips quivered uncontrollably.
“I wanted to tell you months ago,” George said. “I urged him to tell you, but he didn’t want to worry you. He’s been very sick.”
“I know. I thank God he had you to take care of him. He wouldn’t let me,” she said.
“Mrs. Kirchoff, I’m Dr. Alexander. We’ve spoken on the telephone, but never met. How do you do?” He made no effort to shake her hand and she didn’t offer hers to him.
“Hello, Dr. Alexander. How bad is my husband’s condition?” Where had she acquired that calmness of voice? She didn’t feel it inside.
The doctor’s eyebrows lowered over his nondescript eyes and he studied his shoes. “I won’t pretend that it’s anything but critical. He’s known for some time that his illness is terminal, but he refused to let me do anything about it.”
“Why?” she cried. “If there’s something—”
“You should discuss this with your husband, Mrs. Kirchoff.”
“May I?”
“Only for a short while.”
“You said I could go in when you came out,” Hazel interrupted from behind the men standing protectively around Kathleen.
Dr. Alexander seemed at a loss for words. “Surely, Ms. Kirchoff, you wouldn’t deny your brother a visit with his wife.”
“She should have been here instead of lolling around in the Bahamas. Who has been here night and day, waiting, caring…” Her voice trailed off into a torrent of sobs that Kathleen knew were affected. To the bitter end, Hazel was going to keep up her act of being the hovering, loving sister. In other circumstances, Kathleen would have gladly scratched out the woman’s eyes for being so duplicitous.
The doctor, convinced that Hazel was inconsolable, led her away. Kathleen pushed open the door of the room. To her, it resembled a torture chamber. Machines she could only guess the functions of were beeping with each of Seth’s vital signs. It was a macabre decoupage of tubes and needles and bottles.
Only Seth’s eyes were familiar as they opened when he heard her approach.
“Kathleen,” he croaked, and raised his hand to catch hers. “You’re back early. You shouldn’t have come back to witness this.” His face softened and his mouth worked emotionally before he said, “I’m glad you did, though.”
Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks no matter how desperately she tried to stop them. “Seth, Seth, why? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“What could you have done? You would have worried and fretted and not done your job at the stores, which are so much more important than I.”
“No!” she cried softly. “Nothing is as important.”
“Oh, yes, my love. Many things are.” He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. “You, for instance. And the television commercials. How are things going with them? How is Erik? Is he satisfied with his work down there in the Bahamas?”
She nodded her head impatiently. “Yes, yes, the commercials are going to be beautiful. Just what you wanted. E—Erik is well.” She swallowed convulsively. “Seth, I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about your letting Dr. Alexander help you.”
“Kathleen, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone any longer. I’m tired of being crippled. If I had a transplant, I might rob a child, or an otherwise healthy person, of a needed kidney. Why should I be that selfish? Even with a new kidney, I’d still be paralyzed. I don’t want to go through dialysis for years, because in the long run, the results would be the same.” He pressed her hand to his chest and looked deeply into her streaming eyes when he said, “I’m going to be well and whole again very soon, Kathleen. Do you understand what I’m saying? I look forward to it. I want to be well again.”
“Seth…” She sobbed and fell across him, burying her face in his neck and weeping out her grief and shame and guilt while he comforted her.
* * *
The sun rose and set on another day, but Kathleen was unaware of it. She went home only when forced to eat and bathe and change her clothes. She didn’t cry any more during her short visits with Seth. She smiled and looked as pretty as she could, for this was the way he wanted her to be.
Hazel dropped her sweet veneer and acted the harridan she was. Eliot deemed her a “bloody bitch,” and Kathleen concurred. Seth had asked to see his sister only once since Kathleen’s arrival, using the time he was allowed visitors to see his wife. The doctor had cut Hazel’s visit short, saying, “Good God, woman, now is not the time to discuss business.” Kathleen could only guess at what Hazel had been saying to Seth before the doctor interrupted.
George and Eliot were with her constantly. They called the store managers and were assured that the Christmas business was bustling. Kathleen related that to Seth and he smiled, his ravaged face lighting up to some of its former radiance. “Terrific! But I’m not surprised. I’ve always hired good people.”
It was close to midnight when the doctor came out of the room and shut the door softly behind him. Hastily, he stuffed something into his pocket. He stared at the floor before looking up at the young woman who had jumped off the waiting room couch and was approaching him.
“He’d like to see you, Kathleen. He’s taken a sedative so he can sleep.” The doctor met her eyes levelly. “I think this may be it.”
Kathleen sobbed and reached out to grasp George’s supportive hand. “No,” she whispered.
“She’s not going to see him unless I do!” Hazel said shrilly. “I want to see him first and tell him what a whore she is.” She turned on Kathleen viciously. “You don’t fool me. I know why you wanted to go off to the Bahamas. You wanted to go down there with that photographer. You were probably sleeping with him the whole time. Why did it take that queer,” she pointed a finger at Eliot, “who guards you like you were a princess, two days to bring you back? Were you off somewhere with that muscle-bound, yellow-haired ape? My brother’s not going to die without my telling him what a tramp he’s married to.”
“Shut up,” Dr. Alexander commanded, finally losing his composure. “If you open your mouth one more time, Ms. Kirchoff, I’ll have you evicted from this hospital. I don’t give a damn how much money you have. Your brother wants to see his wife and he’s going to. You’re going to sit down and be quiet or I’ll personally throw you out. Do I make myself clear?”
“You sonofabitch! How dare—”
“Yes, I dare,” said Dr. Alexander as he took her upper arm in an iron grip and began dragging her down the hall.
“You’re a whore!” Hazel screamed as the doctor pulled her after him. “He knew it. Even when he married you, he knew you were a whore. He’s weak! Spineless!”
Kathleen covered her ears and turned away.
“Kathleen,” George said softly, and placed his hand on her shoulder to turn her around. “That is a crazy woman talking and everyone knows it. Seth loves you. Now, dry your eyes and get in there to him where you belong.”
“We’ll be right here,” Eliot said.
She nodded dumbly and dried her eyes on th
e handkerchief George offered. When she was composed, she went into the dim room. The machines were still beeping. Tiny green and red lights flashed. All else was still.
“Kathleen,” Seth said weakly.
“Yes, darling.” She went to him quickly and sat on the edge of his bed, taking his hand in hers.
“Did I hear some commotion outside?”
“S—Someone dropped a tray, I think, and everyone got excited.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t a bedpan?” He laughed pitifully. She smiled. “Maybe it was.”
“You look beautiful tonight. I always liked you in that color of green.”
“That’s why I wore it. I knew you liked it.”
His hand came up to stroke her cheek and then rub a strand of her hair through his fingers. “You’re so beautiful.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “No, I’m not.” She longed to rid her heart of its guilt and tell him just how ugly she was, but she knew that would only add to his torment.
She was helpless to keep the physical pain away, but she wouldn’t be responsible for his emotional death as well.
“Yes, you are. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” His eyes closed and he drew a deep, shuddering breath that terrified her. Then he opened his eyes again. “Kathleen, take care of Hazel for me. She won’t have anyone but you and Theron. She’ll need you. Help her. She’s not strong like you are.”
Kathleen would promise him anything. It was a promise she would never have to keep. Her help would be the last thing Hazel would want. Seth would die still blind to his sister’s hatefulness, but Kathleen wouldn’t destroy any of his illusions about anyone. “I will,” she said. “I promise.”
He sighed in relief. “How is Theron?”
“He’s wonderful. He said ‘puppy’ today. Alice told me.”
“He’s a wonderful son. I wish I could have seen him one more time.” He took her hand in his and held it as tightly as his reduced strength would allow. “He was mine, wasn’t he? For the short time I had with him, he was my son.”
