by Amy Marie
The bathroom, living room and kitchen are all empty as well except for a note taped to the fridge. I’m scared for what it will say but choose to pick it up anyways.
Noelle,
I didn’t want to wake you. I’m so sorry for bothering you last night. That shouldn’t have happened. Please take this as my apology. There won’t be a funeral for Alex per her request but I will keep you updated on her memorial and cremation. Thank you for all you did for me last night. Just letting me in and being there meant so much to me. We’ll talk soon.
Trent.
I throw the letter across the kitchen and fall to the tile and cry. The note is cold, arctic.
It shouldn’t have happened?
Apology?
We’ll talk soon?
Is he for real? I want to be there for him. It’s killing me that he just left without telling me and not allowing me to help him.
I stand up and walk back into the bedroom. I reach for my cellphone on the nightstand and call Trent’s phone. It rings twice and goes to voicemail. I try it again, this time it rings once and then his recorded message comes on.
He declined my call.
It’s just past noon so I scan my contacts and call Erin.
She answers on the first ring. “Hello?” Her voice is solemn.
“Hey. Do you know where Trent is? I need to talk to him,” I plead into the phone hoping she is on my side. I still haven’t even told her I got confirmation I’m not pregnant.
“He’s right here. We’re at my mom’s house. Hold on,” she says.
I hear shuffling around and some muffled voices. When she returns she sounds more upset.
“I’m sorry. He doesn’t want to talk right now,” she says with disappointment and sadness in her tone.
“Erin!” I yell.
“I’m sorry, Noe. It’s just not a good time. I’m so sorry.”
The line goes dead and I pull the phone away from my ear, looking at it to make sure the call ended.
Deciding that it doesn’t matter how he is told, but just that he is told I pull up my texts and send him a message. If he needs me to be there and is keeping me away because he thinks I’m pregnant I need to tell him.
Me: I went to the Dr yesterday. I’m not pregnant. I was going to tell you today. Please call me. I want to be there for you and your family.
I woke up feeling guilty for not being with Jason when he got up this morning. So, like a coward I left Noelle a note and took off.
Last night was rough. It started off like any other night though. Alex, Jason and I had dinner together but Alex wanted to go to her parents for the night. It was an unusual request but I haven’t been able to deny her much of anything lately. Her whole body seemed to be shutting down this week. I wanted to talk to Noelle and apologize for not being a man and talking to her like a grown adult but was still mad and wanted to stay close to Alex.
I knew that Noelle and I needed to talk about her pregnancy. After a week of mixed emotions, throwing things and some serious thinking I realized I didn’t care if she was pregnant. I love her enough to accept it, just like she accepts Jason.
Before Alex’s mom picked her up she took Jason into the room and I was in mine, listening to the monitor. She read him Green Eggs and Ham and sang You are my sunshine. I smiled the whole time thinking about Noelle and how I needed to see her, mentally making plans to do so the next day. I wouldn’t care if she kicked me out or not. I wanted to see her.
She kissed Jason goodnight and told him she loved him before closing the door. I walked out of my bedroom and found her leaning her forehead on his door. I pulled her into a hug and she started to cry. We sat on the couch for a few minutes before she began to talk.
“Trent, as a woman facing my mortality I need you to know a few things I’ve learned the past few months.” She started looking down at her hands.
“Alex, you don’t have to...”
“Please, just listen.” Her eyes pleaded with me and I nodded, giving her what she wanted. How could I not?
“Three things.” She held up her frail hand showing me three fingers. “Fight for what you want. Love with every fiber of your being. Never have any regrets.”
“That seems like some great advice,” I said sincerely.
“I’m serious, Trent.” Her motherly tone came out. “All three of those, they apply to Noelle. You want her, fight for her, love her with everything you have and never regret it. Please, promise me that you will continue to pursue her. Baby or not. She accepts Jason and there aren’t many women out there that would. I admire her.”
“You admire her?” I asked confused.
“Yes, because she has your heart and I know for a fact she will be raising my son. Just so you know,” she said lifting my chin. “I couldn’t ask for anyone better. I know she loves him and he loves her. You will all be lucky to have each other.”
I don’t cry but I could feel the tears fall down my face. I brought her body into mine and kissed the top of her head. “I love you, Alex. I know we’ve had a shitty past but I’ve always loved you.”
“I love you too, Trent.”
And those were the last words we said to each other. I did love her. I do love her. She gave me the most precious gift...Jason. She showed me, after a long line of shitty ex-girlfriends, how I’m still capable of loving fiercely.
Then the call came in and even though I’d been expecting it soon I wasn’t prepared. I dropped Jason off at my mom’s house and drove straight to Noelle’s.
Now I’m standing here trying to figure out how to explain this all to my son.
“Daddy, hungry,” Jason sweetly tells me as I make his sandwich in my mom’s kitchen.
“I got it, buddy. Go sit with Grandma.”
He runs into the dining room and sits next to my mother. I finish up his lunch, not bothering to make myself anything since I have no appetite, and bring it to the table.
“Hey, baby boy. Do you need me to do anything?” She asks me as I sit next to Jason.
I sigh trying to hold back more tears. “Just you helping with him is the best thing you could be doing. I don’t think Alex’s parents can handle him during all this. They weren’t too happy about her cremation request but it was her wishes.”
“Well, they can’t go against what she wants, can they?” She asks.
“No. Alex and I already took care of all the preparations.” My stomach drops. “I just can’t imagine having to make your own cremation arrangements.”
I shake my head and the tears spill over. My mom gets up from the chair and brings me to her shaking body. She’s crying too.
“No cry, Gamma,” Jason says with peanut butter smeared all over his face. “Too cute.”
My mom starts to laugh and my tears get thicker and more frequent. That was something Alex would tell him. She would say, ‘Don’t cry. You’re too cute to cry.’
“Are you going to check Noelle’s text?” My mom asks letting me go and taking her place next to Jason again.
“I guess I should.” I shrug grabbing my cell out of my pocket.
“You went to see her last night?” She asks, and I nod.
I spin my phone around on the table still hesitant to check the message. “We didn’t talk much if that’s what you’re getting at. I just needed to be near her but it just seems so wrong.”
Her brows scrunch in confusion. “What seems wrong?”
Putting my elbows on the table I lay my head in my hands. “Even though I was sad, I felt happy in her arms. How can I be so happy when my son just lost his mother forever?”
“Trent, after your father died I was devastated. I felt like I was abandoned and alone the entire time I waited for you kids to get to the house. Then you came in and cried with me and held me and I smiled for just a second.” She stops talking and looks at the table shaking her head. “Oh, I was so mad at myself. How could I have smiled after just losing the love of my life? It took a moment or two but I realized it was because he gave me you
. He gave me Nicole and he gave me Erin and I had him with me, all around me. It takes a long time after losing someone to remember that life still goes on. In a time when I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out I stood up and looked around at the love I had. My kids and grandkids make me happy and I think that you went right to your happy place. Noelle is your happy place.”
“I think I just need time, Mom. I can’t start a relationship off with her during a time of mourning. I don’t think it’s healthy. I know there are going to be times when I am thinking about losing Alex and get upset and I just feel like I owe it to myself and Noelle as well as Jason and Alex to really and truly put one hundred percent of myself into it...not just part of me.”
“You’re a smart man, Trent.”
“I’m going to go talk to Noelle now that I’ve got my thoughts together,” I say standing up to walk out of the kitchen.
Scrolling through my phone I find her message and open it.
Sunshine: I went to the Dr yesterday. I’m not pregnant. I was going to tell you today. Please call me. I want to be there for you and your family.
I’m thanking the stars in Heaven for this news but feel like I can’t be cheerful right now when Alex is lying in a morgue. I know that we need to talk and so I let my mom know that I’ll be back later and she promises to lay Jason down for a nap soon.
Me: On my way over.
Sunshine: Door’s open. Just walk in.
I arrive at her house and walk in like she requested. She is sitting on the sofa dressed in yoga pants and a red tank top. Her feet are curled up underneath her and she is pointing the remote at the TV turning it off. She looks beautiful as her hair is piled haphazardly on top of her head. She looks as though she wants to smile but then changes her mind.
Standing up, she makes her way over to me and wraps her arms around my waist.
“I’m so sorry, Trent. I don’t know what else to say.”
She doesn’t let go. I don’t either. I close my eyes just enjoying the calmness of her embrace in such a shitty fucking time.
“I’m not pregnant.” She breaks the silence.
I squeeze her tighter. “I know.”
“I should have waited to sleep with you.” Her voice muffled in my chest.
“I don’t regret it and I hope you don’t. I just hate knowing you slept with him.”
“I know.”
I was thinking on the way over how unfair life was to Alex. She didn’t have the best home life and even though she left Jason when he was a baby, she didn’t deserve what she was dealt. I thought about how I want to be with Noelle but feel like right now I can’t give her my heart when it’s broken. She deserves better.
I kiss her head and pull away. She looks up at me, her blue eyes darker than normal. “I want to be with you, Noe, but I need some time to heal. I need time to focus on Jason. His first two years of life she wasn’t around then all of the sudden she is everywhere. Now, she’s been taken from him again. So, just time. Can you give me that?”
She nods. “I can wait, Trent. I know this,” she says tapping my chest. “Is worth it. You’re worth it.”
As she stands up on her tiptoes, and she kisses me quickly.
“I just don’t want to start us off like this. I want to give you my whole heart and not during a time like this.”
I look down at her, knowing that I want to see this face when I’m old and gray. I’m so in love with her. We’ve put each other through the ringer and now I’m backing away once again. I know that if we can make it through the stuff we have this summer than we can damn well make it through postponing the start of our relationship.
~~
The memorial service was three days after Alex died. Jason had asked for her a couple of times. He didn’t understand that she was up in Heaven. It’s been tough on everyone. They say the younger you are the more people are at your funeral. Alex grew up around here and most of her high school and college friends attended the service. They had their families in tow, and the church was filled to the brim. People were lined up on the edges and the back of the church.
I said a few words about our last couple of months together. The things we did, the places we went and the talks we had as well as her love for Jason. Her parents spoke as well. They talked about her childhood. What a vibrant, artistic child she was. They touched on her absence, telling the congregation that she doesn’t believe in regrets but if she had one, that would be it. Her father talked of the late night movie and popcorn dates. Her mother broke down when Jason started giggling, commenting that he was her greatest accomplishment and she will be looking down on him at all times.
The luncheon was for close friends and family only, so about fifty or so of the attendees made their way to Erin and Walker’s house. They had it catered and let the kids run outside in the backyard. Everyone shared their own stories of how Alex had touched their lives. All I could do was stare at Noelle and rub my fingers along the note I had in my hand. It was from Alex. I found it inside the paperwork we had for her cremation. She must have put it there after I filed it away knowing I would find it immediately after she died. It read:
Trent:
What would you do if you only had one day left? Would you sit in the dark and wallow in your insecurities or would you spend it with the light that brings you out of the darkness? Noelle is your sunshine...make her Jason’s too. I love you both.
Love, Alex.
Noelle didn’t know it yet but I was going to take Alex’s three rules for life and abide by them. I vowed to fight for Noelle and me to work, love her with every fiber of my being and have zero regrets.
The big day is finally here! My best friend is getting married. I’m astonished as Erin sits completely calm in the hotel room getting her hair and makeup done. I’m a complete wreck. Not only do I have maid of honor duties but I have wedding planner duties as well.
“Noelle, you have to stop tapping your foot like that. It’s making me nuts!” Erin scolds from across the room. Her hair looks beautiful, flowing in loose curls and pinned to the side with a small white flower. Her eye shadow applied in a purplish shimmer and mascara that makes her lashes pop. She is a vision.
“I’m just nervous,” I reply back straightening out my fire engine red bridesmaid dress. It’s stunning and Erin picked the color because she loves me and she said I look good in it. Its straps intersect across my chest, hugging my torso and flows down my waist, over my hips and hits above my knees. As if I wasn’t tall enough, she has me wearing black stiletto heels that strap around the ankle.
She laughs. “There is nothing to be nervous about, Noe. Hadley took over for you already and since I’m your best friend, if anything goes wrong, I will make sure to blame her.”
Our eyes meet and we both start laughing.
“Unless,” she starts again. “You’re nervous about seeing Trent.”
I throw my head back frustrated, earning myself a ‘tsk tsk’ from the hairdresser who just finished putting the waves in my hair thirty minutes ago, and sigh. “Maybe.”
Over the past month I’ve seen Trent quite a few times. The co-ed bridal shower was at his mother’s house and he would always find a way to touch me. He’d gently brush over my hand when I’d reach for something or graze my leg as he sat down. I’m trying to let him have time. It can’t be easy dealing with what he got dealt but there is no way he is making it easy. A few times we would find ourselves in a room or the hallway alone and he would pull me in for a hug and then gently kiss my ear. He stopped in my office a few times and he helped me with the rehearsal dinner last night, where he would conveniently get me alone and replay his torturous touches. Last night at the rehearsal dinner he told me he had a gift for me after the wedding. It was the first time I had seen him smile in so long.
So, here I am, more nervous on my best friend’s wedding day than her because her sexy as hell brother has a surprise for me.
“Earth to, Noelle!” Nicole yells. She wasn’t too happy about
me being the maid of honor until Erin asked her to be the matron of honor. She and her husband, Brad, were on the fast track to divorce and recently worked things out. When he moved out he realized what he had. There was a lot of begging involved but they seem very happy now and I’m happy for her and the kids.
“Yea, sorry.” I apologize and stand up. “Is it show time?”
“Yes! Thank God!” Erin says smiling at herself in the full length mirror. Her dress is beautiful. It’s from the David’s Bridal collection. The key-hole back exposes her beautiful ivory skin and cap sleeves meet a sweetheart neckline. It’s covered in lace and a bright red beaded sash lies high up on her waist and ties in the back, the ribbon falling all the way to the bottom of the dress.
I slowly walk to her, tears welling up in my eyes. “Erin, you look stunning.”
She closes her eyes and shakes her hand at me. “Do NOT cry! I can’t ruin my makeup.”
“Okay, okay.” I relent carefully wiping a tear away. “But I swear to God if I planned this entire wedding and Walker takes one look at you and tackles and has his way with you and ruins the day I’ll be pissed.”
The room erupts in laughter as someone knocks on the door. I open it and my breath is taken away. Dressed in a crisp tuxedo, bright red bowtie and a fucking smile that is going to make me walk around in soaking wet panties is a brown haired, brown eyed God. I don’t know what I look like but I’m thinking I could resemble a deer in headlights as I just stare at his perfect posture and hair gelled to perfection.
“Hey, Sunshine,” Trent greets me his smirk turning from happy to seductive.
“Noe, let him in!” Emma calls from behind me and I turn to her finding a flirty smile. I narrow my eyes at her but stop as soon as Trent’s hands land on my sides and slides past me into the room.
His breath hitches when Erin comes into his line of vision. “Erin,” he whispers. “I have no words for how beautiful you are. Dad would be a blubbering mess today, do you know that?”
She starts to cry and I rush over a box of tissues to her makeup lady, Cindy. She begins to dab at her eyes but it’s uncontrollable.
