"My mother thought it was her duty to mother Dominic whenever he was within hugging distance of her and Dominic’s father spent a lot of time teaching me to be a boy. I think I spent more time at their home. I blamed my mother for my father leaving and I blamed my father for leaving me with her knowing what she was like but I never knew whether my feelings were valid. He always made sure we had everything we wanted but there was never any contact. Her mind slowly became lost and in the end she would set the table as though he would walk through that door as if he still lived there. As much as I never wanted to go home, I couldn’t abandon her like he did."
"Dominic’s father was a hard man, very harsh and demanding as well as a heavy drinker. What both of our homes had in common was the inability of either parent to deal with the loss of their spouse. Neither of them moved on or found someone to balance out life. There were a lot of nights when we would camp out in the woods just because neither of us wanted to deal with either home. I can remember the first time we went to the cottage and broke in so we could see what was in it. I think I was about eight years old. I swear to this day that it was haunted. I didn’t think we’d be able to escape alive and we never went in after that night and in fact I don’t think Dominic still has ever gone back in that place. We used to sit in the woods in our bed rolls and watch the strange lights just come and go in the house.
Dominic’s father used to stand on the back veranda and yell for us in his drunken stupor and we would sit waiting for him to grow tired of yelling before we would sneak upstairs and sleep in the back room. He never remembered in the morning but once in a while he would catch us and beat the tar out of us. But he did teach us to be good workers and to be responsible. It’s just there was no one to teach us to be nice."
"My mother finally passed away not knowing who I was but still waiting for my father. He finally came to Mississippi to settle things with her estate and to talk to me about my future. That’s when he decided to send me to VMI. He sold the house and everything in it and shipped me off. Dominic was already in his last year so I was happy to leave Natchez. My father died just before I graduated and since I was an only child everything was left to me."
James reached over and poured another shot handing it to Mirisa. "Of course, that’s probably the short nice version of my life and I am sure if I really thought about it most of my issues on commitment and relationships are because of my childhood. My relationship with Dominic is often volatile because we went through so much together at a young age. Despite being so different, our bond is stronger than most. I think my friendship with Meeks and Garnett is more relaxed because there’s not all the baggage and I only know about their ghosts through their own stories. It’s totally different when you experience something with someone then when you just listen to them and think you understand. Dominic and I grew up as brothers and the four of us were really the only family any of us had or cared about until you walked into that house."
James knew Mirisa was listening so he just continued. "Men generally don’t analyze their own feelings though we have all gotten very good at reading other people well and we have become very good at never showing any emotion good or bad. It’s what kept Dominic and me from many severe beatings when we were young and it’s what keeps you alive on the trail. I think the first time Dominic left you with us I thought you were very much a scared little rabbit hiding in the forest. You still show that side of you when you are in a new situation or surrounded by people you don’t like.”
“Mirisa, we’ve been through a lot together and even though we think we are being sensitive it is obvious that perception is in our head.” James poured another shot and sipped on it. "I think we all prefer to be disconnected from the emotional side of women and yet with you it’s like living in a vat of emotions that are all over the place. I’ve never met a woman who could change directions as fast and as effectively as you do. I’ve been trying all day to figure out exactly how you got such a foothold on us but you did and we know you did it slowly and completely. I think it was your innocence that duped us into believing you weren’t dangerous. It’s probably the first mistake we have all made about the same woman."
"Do you sincerely love me?"
"More then you will ever realize." He asked her if she would get a match from the fireplace so he could light his cigar. She stood up and brought back the stick. When he had the cigar lit he handed it back to her, stood up and he sat on the bed. His side still hurt from the fight but mostly his age was getting to him. She thought that there was a slight white to his blonde hair but his blue eyes were just as clear and deep as always.
She crawled up on the bed and laid down next to him wrapping her arms around his waist. This was exactly how she succeeded in taking away any control they had on the way they felt about her. Everything she did was instinctual and with such love that no matter how good you were at separating your feelings you just couldn’t with her. He had watched each of them try to be stern with her only to immediately dissolve as soon as she looked at them. Right now was a perfect example.
"Mirisa, what do you want that we’re not giving you?"
"Nothing."
"This wasn’t about nothing, this was definitely about something."
"Yes, it was about a lot of things and a lot of my feelings but there is nothing you can do to help me deal with my feelings. I am vacillating between being responsible and wanting to crawl up in bed and pretend the world doesn’t exist outside my door." He knew she was going to cry. "I am so tired."
"You feel we’re responsible because of our careless behavior?"
"No. I think it is the fact that you are so protective of me that causes the problems and I shouldn’t have to give up my life because shallow people think it’s wrong or they think they should have it instead of me."
"Why do you think you will have to give up anything?"
"Because I know all of you well enough to know that you will become more protective of me and the children even if it means changing our living structure. I know that everyone is being rational except me but I don’t know how you can be so unemotional and so methodical when I am falling apart. I don’t understand how you cannot see that I am falling apart."
James held her as she cried. This is when her husband should be here not him because he hated the tears. He talked to her softly and assured her that they would survive whatever the problems were but right now she needed to pull herself together for the children and for Christmas. James closed his eyes because he really didn’t want to deal with reality but he knew he would hold her as long as she needed to be held. How could Mirisa make him feel so much when he didn't want to feel anything?
"Do you want to go downstairs and raid the kitchen?" Mirisa looked up knowing that truth and life were sometimes too raw to allow one to dwell too long. James put out his hand as she gently laid hers in his palm as he closed his fingers around hers. Mirisa knew that her journey had always included James.
“Mirisa?”
“We don’t belong here.”
“In New York?”
Mirisa stood and pulled back the curtains looking up into the sky. “The stars are wrong.”
James watched her. “We have plenty of time to go home.”
“I hope so. I never understood that the stars would lead you home.”
Mirisa sat on the counter as he whipped together batter for flapjacks. The smell of the ham finally made it up to the top floor where they abandoned the card game and came downstairs.
Meeks walked into the kitchen smiling when he saw her sitting on the counter. He turned around and leaned up against the counter in front of her as Mirisa wrapped her arms around his neck and put her cheek on his shoulder so she could talk to him. . When breakfast was ready, Meeks turned and lifted her down to the floor. She went into the pantry and took out four different types of jam and the large jar of maple syrup. They sat around the table until late talking about Christmas and what needed to be done on Saturday even though it was alr
eady Saturday.
Garnett put his arms around her. "Whatever I did I’m sorry."
"Is that the easy way not to have to talk about it?"
"It’s the man’s way of trying to get a woman to drop the gun before it accidentally goes off again. You are never as lucky the second time."
"Men really just take a problem and solve it rather than wondering why it is a problem?"
"We’re not known for wanting to know the why. We just want to stop whatever it is and make sure it doesn’t reoccur." Mirisa looked up into Garnett’s eyes and put both hands on his face kissing him. "You know we have never really paid attention to the after effect of what we do because we don’t really care if they are happy or satisfied and we’ve never been attached so there was nothing that any woman could do to damage our reputation except show up with an unwanted child."
"I need to accept that three of you have a full life of your own and I’m trying to deal with letting you go. Dominic may set me off but that’s because he’s so practical and doesn’t express or understand emotions.”
"I don’t know about the others but I definitely blame Dominic. He’s been at fault every single time."
"Garnett, I really thought you would be willing to argue my case and here I find you throwing me into the fire again." Dominic filled his cup and leaned up against the counter.
“Well, I really don’t understand where the moods come from but you have been responsible for the deadly shot every time she’s reacted.”
“Garnett, you whine as much as James. If you can’t handle her going off once in a while then you need to get back on the trail and toughen up.” Dominic was probably the only one who enjoyed her when she was out of control and ready to kill. The first few years she would only cry which drove him crazy then she finally started fighting back. She was probably the most sexually aggressive when she wanted to kill him but it was the only time you could see her adjusting to being stronger.
“You are one hard-assed sadistic person.”
“You should know.”
Mirisa put the dish cloth down and took off her apron hanging it up on the door. She turned around and met Dominic’s eyes. If she could sum up her life, it would be how the good and bad in each of them changed her.
“Mirisa."
She turned her head to the voice.
"Mirisa.”
She opened her eyes and everything surrounding her was pitch black. She blinked her eyes and tried to adjust but everything remained black and very quiet. It was too quiet. She listened for a moment.
"Mirisa."
"What?" She turned her head but there was nothing there.
"Go to the baby." The voice came from above her and she looked up but it was black.
"What baby, I don’t understand. Where are you?"
"Mirisa now, you must go to the baby now."
She slid out of bed and ran for the nursery. Elizabeth was lying in the cradle with the blanket wrapped around her as she was trying to untangle herself but making it tighter around her neck. Mirisa reached down and touched her little face to calm her then she slowly untangled her from the blanket and picked her up. Elizabeth’s little chest was trying to take in more air as she let out a cry that built until she was crying softly. Mirisa put her up on her shoulder and rubbed her back until she calmed down. The girls stirred as the Nanny came in to check on the crying.
"She’s fine. I’m going to take her back to bed with me." The Nanny tucked the girls blanket around them and returned to bed. Mirisa missed having Jasmine caring for the children. Mirisa stood rocking just slighting back and forth and singing to her. Mirisa took Lizzie downstairs and pulled back her night shirt and saw the raw red line around her neck. Mirisa kissed her softly as she reached up. Mirisa went into the kitchen and looked for the jar of salve. She was on her tiptoes cradling Elizabeth when she realized someone was watching her. She turned to find Garnett standing in the doorway.
"What are you doing?"
"Please take Elizabeth for a moment." Mirisa turned and laid Lizzie in his arms as she went back to moving the jars until she found the right one. Mirisa faced Garnett until he backed out of the pantry and she put the jar on the counter turning back to Elizabeth. Mirisa untied her little nightshirt and opened it up to look at her neck.
Garnett touched the red burn and then looked at Mirisa. "What happened?"
"She was tangled in her blanket but I got to her before she cut off her air." Mirisa reached into the jar with two fingers and slowly rubbed the salve on the burn. Elizabeth stirred at first then settled down as the coolness relieved the pain. She put her little fist in her mouth and sucked as her other hand kneaded Garnett’s shirt. He watched her face as her eyes seemed to move under the lids like she was dreaming. Mirisa checked the back of her neck but the only burn seemed to be across the front to under her right ear. She put the lid back on the jar and bent down and kissed her daughter on the forehead.
"Is she alright?"
Mirisa looked up into his eyes and wasn’t surprised at how concerned Garnett looked. "I don’t know. She was still breathing when I untangled her but I don’t know how long she was struggling."
Garnett put his finger in her little hand as she wrapped her fingers around it. He handed Elizabeth back to Mirisa. “I’m going to get your father.” Garnett walked over and strapped on his gun as James came through the dining room.
“Where are you going?”
“Elizabeth needs a doctor.” Garnett grabbed his jacket and was gone before James could respond. James walked into the kitchen and asked Mirisa what happened. James checked the burn mark and placed his hand on her diaphragm measuring her breathing. Elizabeth didn’t like being examined and started to cry but her voice was raspy. James wrapped her back up and Elizabeth curled up to her mother. He put on a pot of coffee and came back out to the living room with Mirisa as Meeks came down the stairs just wearing his jeans.
“What’s wrong? And why are you here?”
“We wanted something to eat and I haven’t stocked the apartment yet.”
James repeated Mirisa’s story as Meeks walked over and crouched down next to her chair and talked to Elizabeth who was on her mother’s shoulder sucking her fist. She smiled at him then reached out and patted his head. “Do you want me to get the doctor?”
“Garnett has already gone for my father.”
“Okay.” Meeks stood up and went in the library for a cigar and then decided if Elizabeth’s throat was soar that she didn’t need smoke to aggravate it more. James brought out the coffee as they sat and waited for her father. Even though it was only a few minutes it seemed to take forever.
Her father came down the hall carrying his black bag. Dr. Eppes nodded to everyone then walked over and talked to Elizabeth before picking her up. She reached for her mother but he kept talking to her until she settled down. He laid Elizabeth on the table and undid her night shirt looking at the mark and then took out his stethoscope and blew on it to warm it. He put it on Lizzie’s chest as she reached up and grabbed it. He then checked her throat as she gagged instantly and began to cry. Dr. Eppes tied up her shirt picking her up. He had so many grandchildren now that he couldn’t imagine anything that made life better. Mirisa was biting her lip as she held her husband’s hand.
“She’s fine. Her throat is a little raw probably from straining to cry but it should be better in a day or two. The burn is only on the surface and I see you have already put salve on it. Keep putting that on until it is no longer red then switch to a cream to make sure it doesn’t scar. I’m going to write you a prescription for something for her throat that will make it feel better.” He took out his little pad and wrote out a script of an elixir.
He put everything back in his bag. “If she has any problems with breathing come get me right away otherwise I will examine her again Sunday when I am here for Christmas.” James poured him a cup of coffee and Garnett sat down as Elizabeth curled around his neck and closed her little eyes. “How did it happen?”
“I think her blanket got caught on the wood of the cradle and she is a very restless sleeper so she wound herself up and then the more she fought to get free the worse it became.”
“Mirisa, it is 3 o’clock in the morning. How in the world did you know to check on her?” Mirisa sat there and thought about how to say it. He indicated he was waiting for an answer.
“A voice in my dream told me to go to her.”
He nodded. “That’s mother’s intuition. Quite common especially when a mother is extremely bonded with her children. That’s good.”
Mirisa’s father stood and picked up his bag. He told Mirisa to make sure the baby got a good night’s sleep. “I would suggest that she is old enough for a bed if she is a restless sleeper. I am beginning to think that you are the only child who will give me granddaughters.”
Mirisa hugged him and he looked down at her gown and shook his head. She blushed when she realized she didn’t have on her robe and was standing there in a very fitting nightgown. “I can see why you keep having children.” Dr. Eppes looked up at all three men who didn’t respond at all.
“If I’m out tomorrow I’ll stop by but I think Elizabeth will be fine.” Mirisa walked him out to the porch and thanked him for coming. “Sweetheart, I would always come if it involves you or your children.”
Mirisa came back into the living room and took Elizabeth up putting her in the middle of their bed before she climbed in and fell asleep.
Meeks got up and decided to let them both sleep as long as they wanted. He closed the door and headed downstairs to see if he could get some breakfast served in the library. Meeks sat down and picked up the paper hoping for a few hours in quiet when Garnett and James came in with their coffee and sat down.
“Are they still sleeping?”
“Yes. I thought they both probably needed it. I know Mirisa is exhausted from her emotional day yesterday but last night really upset her more then she let on. I realized last night that she has gone through so much in life, to us it would be just another day, but not once has she given in to defeat. She believes that she needs to be as cold and strong as she perceives us. I think it is time that I show her how much she means to my life.”
The Visitor_The Bell Tower 1873_1875 Page 18
