“That doesn’t happen very often. It had been a long day at work. I needed it that night, but I don’t drink often. It messes with my sugar levels,” I offered.
“Oh,” she nibbled her lip and nodded slowly. “Sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m not,” I smiled.
“It’s just,” she shook her head and didn’t finish her thought.
“No really. You can ask me anything. I’m not trying to hide any of it from you,” I turned to face her and crossed my legs in front. I leaned forward putting my hands on my thighs, and let my chin fall to my chest. After taking a few deep breaths, I looked up to see her studying me.
“Are you ok?” her face held concern, and cursed myself for making her think that I was having a sugar episode or something.
“I’m fine,” I nodded. “It’s just,” I sighed before swallowing. “I need to tell you something, something about my past, and I’m afraid once you hear it you’ll never want to come near me again and that’s a shame because I want to be around you. I like you, but you need to hear this from me, not someone else.”
“Ok,” she looked at me wearily. “So tell me.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I looked out at the water, and watched the sun sparkle on it.
“Try,” she whispered as she reached over and threaded our fingers together. I don’t know what it was, but that simple reassuring touch was all I needed. How did this woman control me like this? We barely knew each other, yet it felt like we’d been together forever. Her presence soothed me in ways that I hadn’t felt since I was a small child with my parents.
I swallowed as I forced the words out, “I had a brother. He died when I was nineteen. He died because of me.”
Chapter 6
Rachel
“I had a brother. He died when I was nineteen,” his voice was so soft and low I almost didn’t hear him.
I swallowed before taking a few deep breaths, and then letting my eyes flicker up to meet his. I gasped lightly when I saw his expression. He looked so worried and pained over this memory. I didn’t know how to respond, and I wasn’t sure if getting this intimate about our pasts was a good idea this new into whatever this relationship was. Wasn’t this kinda thing something you discussed later on when you were comfortable with one another?
I sat there staring at him, just waiting for him to continue. I couldn’t tell if he wanted me to talk, or just listen so I nodded while I held his hand. “It was the summer before I started my sophomore year at Anderson University. I was home from football camp, and my brother was getting ready to start his senior year,” he closed his eyes as if the memory was still fresh and painful.
“You don’t have to,” I whispered as I used my other hand to rub the back of the one clasped with mine.
“Yes, I do,” he swallowed again before turning his eyes toward the water. “We were inseparable growing up. Josh was two years younger than me, but he acted like we were the same age. I let him tag along most of the time because it was an ego trip for me,” he shook his head and scoffed. “I was such a douche,” he muttered. “Anyway, I was home for a two week break before I was going to have to be back for the start of the fall season. I was on scholarship, and Josh made sure to remind everyone of how awesome his brother was. I ate it up.”
“There was huge party at one of his friend’s houses that night. Josh wanted to go, and so we went together. He had several friends that had older siblings that went to school with me. I knew I’d run into them that night, and being the ass that I was then, I wanted to show off. The party ended up being kinda lame, so we left and came here,” he motioned around where we were sitting. “Well not exactly right here, but that way about five hundred feet. I bought us some beer because I was the town golden boy and the guy at the gas station never carded me. He knew I was underage, but didn’t care,” Ryan shook his head as a self-deprecating laugh fell from his lips.
“We got trashed that night… all of us. Josh and I argued over how we were going to get home. He wanted to call our dad, but I assured him I could drive,” my stomach tightened as he barreled on. I knew where this was going, but I couldn’t stop him from talking. The pain in his voice was almost too much, but he seemed to need this.
“I wrestled the keys away from him, and pretty much forced him into his truck,” he sighed deeply as he looked at me. “We got about three miles down the road before I took a corner too fast and ran right into a guardrail. The truck flipped three times,” he released my hand as he drew his legs up to a bent position. He dragged his palms down his face as his shoulders started to shake. I could tell he was holding it in, and my heart broke for him.
“We were trapped in the truck for over forty-five minutes before the EMTs could get us out. Josh died on the way to the hospital, and I had messed up my knee so bad that I ended my football career.” He turned to look at me. “Everyone in Camden treats me different now. I’m the guy who killed his brother.”
“It was an accident,” I reached up to cup his jaw and his eyes closed with the contact.
“No it wasn’t. If I had listened and called my dad, Josh would still be here. It’s all my fault,” he pulled away from me. “I understand if all my baggage is too much for you,” he mumbled.
“What?” I gasped. “You’re kidding right? What kinda girl do you think I am?” I sat there staring at him. It all made sense now; the way he refused to go anywhere unless my seatbelt was fastened, the way he seemed guarded all the time; he was worried I would find out about this and run. “You were a kid,” I whispered. “You were a kid that made a bad decision.” I squeezed his hand tighter before turning my body to face him.
“I was a stupid kid that ruined his family,” he sniffed as he pulled his hand out of mine to wipe at his eyes. “I haven’t talked to my parents in nine years. They shut me out after all of it happened,” he sucked in a deep breath before releasing it and shaking his head slightly. “I stayed at home after it happened. I had to. I went through three surgeries on my knee before I could walk right. My parents let me stay in their house, but pretty much ignored me. My dad refused to talk to me, and my mom avoided me at all cost. After the last surgery, I left. I didn’t have a reason to stay,” he lifted a shoulder before glancing over at me. “I went back to school and enrolled in the nursing program, got a job to help pay for it, and put all my efforts into helping people.”
“Do you ever see your parents?” I murmured. “They have to be around; the towns are right next to each other.”
“I used to, but my mom would literally turn and go in the other direction if she saw me. I stopped trying to run into them years ago. They still live in the house I grew up in, but I haven’t been back since I left,” he shook his head.
“I’m sure they still love you,” I offered. “They’re your parents. Parents don’t stop loving their child,” I gasped.
“Maybe, but they know where I am. If they wanted to see me they could,” he shrugged before taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry I dumped this on you. This isn’t how I imagined this date going,” he laughed lightly. “I wanted you to know though before you heard it from someone else.”
“I’m glad you told me,” I smiled at him. He seemed lighter, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and I think in a way his story bonded us. We’d both suffered losses that impacted our lives in ways very few people could ever understand. I couldn’t imagine the pressure and guilt he’s had to deal with, but I did understand expectations. I’d been pushing myself for years trying to make sure that the garage stayed open, but I was failing at it and soon I’d have to face reality.
“When my dad died, I never thought I’d smile again. I walked around in a constant cloud of doubt, but then Kasey told me that wasn’t how my dad would want me living. She convinced me that I needed to be happy again,” I smiled weakly as I peered up at him. “Your brother would want you to forgive yourself and be happy for him.”
“I just wish that my parents felt that way,”
he nodded before sighing and releasing my grip. “Ok, enough of the heavy stuff. Wanna swim?” he smiled as he turned to face me fully.
“Swim?” I squeaked as I looked down at my dress.
“Sure. It’s been a hot day, and the water will be warm,” he shrugged as he began standing up. He toed his shoes off before reaching down to tug his shirt up his torso. “Come on,” he grinned as he tossed the shirt down on the blanket and stood there in just a pair of shorts. “I won’t look. Promise,” he dragged his index finger over his chest in a cross like motion, and I just gawked as I stared at him. The golden skin of his abs and chest stretched firmly over the muscles. A small Celtic cross was etched over his heart with a tiny amount of script. I’m assuming that it was for his brother. His back flexed as he turned and began unbuttoning his shorts. He pushed them over his hips, and then strode down to the edge of the water, leaving me sitting there. “You coming?” he called as he began wading out.
When the water got up to his waist, he flopped backwards, submerging his entire body. I watched in amusement as he surfaced and shook his head like a dog would, raining droplets of water into the air. “Come on,” his arm waved in the air. “The water feels great,” he splashed in my direction, but the water didn’t hit me. I was too far away still, and he was a good twenty feet from shore.
“I don’t know,” I called back as I searched around for an excuse.
“Are you chicken?” he teased.
“No,” I stood quickly and slammed my hands down on my hips. I never backed down from a challenge, but getting down to my skivvies in front of a guy I’ve only met a few times put me on edge. We seemed to have this connection that I’d never felt before, but part of me was still holding back, waiting for it to all be taken away. Things like this didn’t happen to me. Anytime I’d felt happy and secure over the years, it was all yanked away when I least expected it. I didn’t want this to be taken away too.
“Yes you are,” he shouted, bringing me back to the situation at hand.
“Fine,” I grumbled between clenched teeth as I hopped on one foot, tugging my cowboy boots off. I flung them to the side as I closed my eyes and bunched the fabric of my sundress in my hands. I took a few deep breaths before slowly raising it. I wasn’t watching him, but I could feel him staring at me. His eyes burned my flesh as I lifted the dress.
When I pulled it over my head, I tossed it to the ground, and wrapped my arms over my chest. The lace of my bra scratched my arms, causing me to look down and remember I was wearing white. “Shit,” I cursed myself as I shook my head. “Too late now,” I sighed as I forced my feet to move toward the water. “You better not splash me,” I warned as I inched in his direction.
“I won’t,” he grinned like a little boy.
“Un huh,” I rolled my eyes as I approached him. He’d waded further out now, and the water was almost to his chest. As the cool liquid rose against my skin, it caused a chill to run through me. It wasn’t really cold, but in comparison the heat Ryan was sending my way, it was.
“Bout time,” he laughed as he reached for me. “Come here,” he tugged me by the hand to move closer, and before I knew it he had wrapped his hands around my waist and flung me into the air.
“Ahhh!” I screamed right before I hit the water and sank below the surface. I coughed and sputtered when I broke the surface before sending a glare in his direction. “You promised you wouldn’t splash me,” I growled angrily.
“I didn’t,” he laughed. “I dunked you,” his shoulders raised in a shrug before he continued, “there’s a difference.”
“Oh my god, there is not!” I narrowed my eyes at him as I used my hands to push the wet hair off my face that was currently plastered to my forehead. He just chuckled in amusement as he watched me. “You are so dead,” I warned.
“Bring it,” he taunted as he began swimming on his back away from me.
I watched Ryan begin floating in the distance as I plotted how I was going to get close enough to get him back without him hearing me. Other than the crickets that were now beginning to sing, it was quiet. The sun had finished setting, and the sky was growing darker by the minute. Tiny stars began to fill the sky as night grew closer.
When I thought I’d waited long enough, I began to slowly move toward him. He was leisurely floated along on his back with his eyes closed. I made sure not to make a sound as I crept closer to his head. If I could get within arm’s reach, I could force him below the water’s surface. Just as I got there though, he dropped his feet, his eyes sprung open, and he turned on me. “Nice try,” he snickered, “but one thing you’ll learn about me… I don’t lose…EVER,” he stressed.
“We’ll see,” I taunted.
“Yeah we…” I cut him off as I grabbed his shoulders and put all my weight into causing him to fall. He stumbled slightly before we both went under. His fingers dug into my ribs as he tried to tickle me, causing me to suck in water. I coughed when we surfaced but quickly recovered as I spun on him and began splashing him furiously.
“Ok, ok, ok,” he begged as he put his hands up in surrender. “I give up. We’re even,” he sputtered as I got in one last splash right to the face. I smiled in triumph before bursting into laughter. I hadn’t had this much fun in years, and it felt so good to be able to not worry about work, or my dad, or anything. For a few hours I’d been the me I was five years ago, the happy me. “Come here,” he reached for me, and I let him pull me into his arms. He wrapped them around my back, and held me to his chest.
“I’ve had fun tonight,” I murmured before lifting my head so I could see his eyes. They sparkled in the moonlight that now enveloped us.
“Me too,” he brushed his thumb across my cheek, catching a water droplet that was trickling down my face. “It doesn’t have to be over yet though,” he murmured as he leaned in and pressed his mouth to mine.
He held himself there, unmoving, just waiting to see how I would react. I guess when I slowly leaned into the kiss it was enough of a signal to put him in motion. His lips were soft, but firm at the same time. He tilted his head to the right as the hand on my back slid up into my hair, cupping the back of my head. His other hand cupped my cheek, tilting my head to the side for him to control the kiss.
My body vibrated when his tongue probed at the seal of my lips. I opened to him willingly, and when my tongue met his, he groaned before releasing his grip on my head to lift me into his arms. My legs wrapped around his waist as he turned us, and began striding toward the shoreline and our blanket.
“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured against my lips as he lowered us on to the blanket. I sighed when my back hit the soft cotton, but it turned into a moan when I felt his chest press against my wet bra. “So beautiful,” he whispered again before taking the kiss deeper and causing me to wrap my leg around his hip, bringing us into more intimate contact. When I slid my hands down his back and began pushing at the waistband of his boxers, he froze.
“What’s wrong,” I panted as I broke the kiss.
“We’re not doing that tonight,” he began pressing small light kisses up my jawline. “I want to, don’t get me wrong, but not here like this,” he pulled back to look into my eyes. “Tonight is just about this,” he cupped my breast through my bra and squeezed it before connecting our mouths again.
The feelings that Ryan were evoking in me from merely kissing were almost too much, and as the night wore on, I secretly wondered what it would be like to have him in bed with me. If it was this good now, how much better would it be to feel all of him?
Chapter 7
Rachel
When my alarm sounded this morning, getting up and going down to work was truly the last thing on my mind. Memories of the night before flitted through, little pieces of my dreams still lingering as I snuggled down into the covers. My muscles ached from the water play, and I yawned as I blinked against the morning sun.
I actually had a busy day scheduled, and Dan had asked for the day off. I’d told him that I needed t
o cut back his hours and it was no problem and he alluded to looking for a new job.
Ryan had jokingly made a comment when he dropped me off about having breakfast again today, but I’d brushed him off. We’d only known each other for a little over a week, after all the heavy stuff we’d dumped on one another, I thought time apart was exactly what we needed. Apparently, I was wrong.
I rolled to the side just as someone began pounding on my door. “Coming!” I shouted as I stood, and grabbed my robe off the back of my bedroom door. I’d slept in a simple cami and panties, and had no idea who would be coming to my place this early. Kasey was the only one crazy enough, but I’d talked to her last night. She was part of the reason I was so tired. We’d stayed up talking until sunrise about my date.
“Are you gonna let me in?” he laughed from the other side of the door, causing my feet to falter.
“Wha?” I gasped as I yanked open the door.
“Morning,” he grinned as he stood there with two coffees in one hand, and a brown paper bag in the other. He pushed off the doorway, and maneuvered around me to come inside.
“What are you doing?” I squeaked.
“Breakfast,” he shrugged as he made his way over to my coffee table, placed the items he was carrying on it, and then proceeded to flop down on my couch. He leaned back, lifted his feet, and cross his ankles on the glass top before turning a smug satisfied smile in my direction. If I wasn’t so tired I probably would have had a comeback for him, but seeing that coffee sitting there waiting for me prevented me from getting angry.
“I didn’t know that was decided,” I rolled my eyes as I crossed my arms over my chest and tapped my foot.
“Now why would I suggest something if I wasn’t going to follow through? You wound me,” he pouted as he began digging through the paper bag and placing items out in front of him. “One minute,” he held up his finger as he dug into his pocket and went about checking his sugar. I watched in silence as he quickly jotted everything down, put the items away, and then went about unwrapping a breakfast sandwich. “You gonna eat?” he mumbled around a mouthful of sausage biscuit.
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