by Barbara Lohr
When everyone had trooped out to the kitchen to exchange an empty plate for chicory coffee, Harper motioned Amanda and Connor to the two chairs positioned to one side of the crackling fire.
Gosh, this felt surreal. If she blinked, would she wake up? The love of their family and friends cocooned them. Their baby would feel this devotion too, a comforting thought. When she glanced over at Connor, the love in his eyes soothed the raw edges of their recent argument.
Amanda tried darn hard to overlook her parents’ absence and concentrate on all the positive things happening, but their absence still stung. They were going to be grandparents and didn’t seem to have any idea how much this baby meant to her.
Connor squeezed her hand. “You zoning out? Did you eat anything?”
“You bet.”
Connor knew her too well. “Babe?”
Heat stung her cheeks, and she shifted her gaze to the tree. “It’s just the excitement of everything right now.”
“You’ve got to settle down, honey.”
She felt relieved when Seth stooped and wrestled a huge box from under the tree. “Let’s get this party started.” He pushed it across the carpet toward them.
“Wonder what this could be?” Connor gaped at the gift. Really looked like he had no clue. Amanda was the one who’d spent an afternoon with Janie and the gift registry.
“Here’s how this goes. You have to open it to find out what’s inside.” Seth glanced at the tag. “This is from Mom and Dad.”
“Okay, smart ass,” Connor shot back with a good-natured smile. “I’m with the program.”
From the shape and size of this box, Amanda suspected it was the stroller. Excited, she peeled off the blue wrapping paper until finally just the cardboard box stood in front of them.
“Oh, thank you!” A picture of the orange and brown stroller filled one side. Amanda could almost picture the two of them pushing the stroller down Lake Street. Could almost feel the sun on their shoulders.
“Open it, son,” Connor’s father urged. “Not going to bite.”
When Connor whipped out his Swiss army knife, his brothers roared. He cut the tape and gave the box one good shake. The stroller slid out. What a picture to see Connor wrestling with that stroller. Cheers erupted at the sight of the Chicago Cubs logo on the front.
“I want my grandson to know from the start which team to root for,” Big Mike called out above the raucous laughter.
Amanda could tell Connor was pleased. Finally, he was going to enter the family inner circle where babies abounded and family jokes passed from one generation to the next. Her jitters calmed.
Joe joined Seth in passing gifts to Connor and Amanda. Most of the presents weren’t really a surprise. Well, not for her. Connor? Totally new territory.
“What the heck?” Connor turned the boppy pillow over in his large, capable hands. “The kid needs a neck brace?”
“This keeps him comfortable.” Amanda stashed it back in the box before passing it to Janie.
Smaller gifts made the circuit and Harper took notes so Amanda would have the right information for thank you notes. No surprise that their friends and family had been so generous.
As the afternoon waned and the pile of opened presents grew, Amanda’s sense of disbelief ebbed. Her future became redefined by baby products. A sense of well-being swelled in her chest and glancing at Connor’s flushed face, she knew he felt it too.
Goofing around, Joe twisted open a container of baby powder by mistake and the sweet scent lingered in the air.
At the end, Connor stood. The sudden hush felt really weird in this rambunctious group. He had that commanding effect on people. Amanda’s heart twisted just looking at him. This whole frustrating process had been hard on her husband, although he’d been incredibly patient.
“I guess it’s no secret for any of you that Amanda and I have wanted this baby for a heck of a long time. We sure appreciate all this. Been a long ride to get here.” Connor’s voice thickened. She knotted her hands tighter in her lap to keep from hugging him. That would never go over. Not in front of the guys. After all, he was the oldest, the guy who always had everything under control.
But when it came to babies, no one had control.
The tension from all their arguments fell away. Her shoulders relaxed under the comfortable weight of her love for Connor.
“One final request.” Connor’s square chin came up and the grin was back. “Hope we can count on all of you to babysit!”
Amanda joined in the applause. Could she even picture leaving her baby with someone else? She wanted to spend hours counting each tiny toe and finger, charting every coo and burp, feeling the impossibly soft skin beneath her fingers. Ridiculous how her eyes filled. Crouching to the floor, she got busy stuffing the discarded wrapping paper into a trash bag.
When it came time to leave, Seth and Mark helped Connor carefully pack the gifts into the trunk and back seat of the Malibu. Amanda’s limbs felt like noodles, although the cold air cleared her head. Wasn’t easy to leave the warm comfort behind, but she had to work on Monday and so did Connor.
Snow had started to fall again but the white that had seemed menacing earlier now filled her with wonder. Had there ever been a more beautiful Christmas season? Would she look back and tell Sean about the snowy winter he was born? Connor fitted the final bag holding a handmade baby quilt in her backseat.
“Happy?” he asked, catching her around the waist
“Very.” She sank into a heated kiss that could have melted the North Pole.
Seth bounded up just as they broke apart. Arms folded across his broad chest, he skidded to a halt in the snow and grinned. “Let’s cut the PDA. The neighbors might be watching.”
Connor rolled his eyes. “Right. Think I’ve seen you and Selena in a clutch or two.”
Seth lifted one shoulder, cheeks stained pink. “Maybe.”
After a final dash into the house to say good-bye, they were on their way. Connor followed behind her in the truck. Barely six o’clock and gray dusk was falling as they made their way up Harlem.
When they reached the house, Amanda pulled up into the garage, popped open her trunk and jumped out. Connor parked on the driveway behind her. Amanda began pulling out the small boxes first.
“Let me grab the heavy ones.” Coming up behind her, Connor nudged her gently aside. “I’ll bring in the car seat and the stroller. Do you believe a tiny baby needs all this stuff? Maybe we could return some of it. We could use the extra cash for the heating bills this winter.”
Swatting him, Amanda caught his mischievous smile. “Just try it, buster. I dare you. Let’s just set the boxes in the hallway, okay? I can put it all away tomorrow when I get home from school.”
“Think I’ll stow the stroller and carseat in the basement. This stuff takes up a lot of room.”
Amanda was on her way up the front steps and wheeled around. “But we’ll need the pumpkin seat to bring the baby home from the hospital.”
Connor almost ran right into her. “That’s not for another two weeks and what in Sam Hill is a pumpkin seat?”
“You don’t listen to me!” she wailed. Even she was surprised by the sound of her voice. This had been a long day and the exhaustion had returned.
Settling back on his boot heels, Connor got this cautious look. She’d seen that expression a lot. Guilt washed over her.
“You’re tired, honey,” he finally said quietly. “We don’t have to organize everything right now.”
His face closed. Her heart shriveled. Didn’t take much and they were right back squabbling. Stepping around her, Connor jammed the key into the lock.
“Do you want any dinner?”
Connor pushed open the door and dry heat rushed out. “Are you kidding? That spread will be with me for a while. You hungry? Didn’t look like you ate that much.”
“I’m fine. Let’s just get all this inside.” Avoiding his eyes, she stepped around him.
Must have taken them
fifteen minutes to empty the car, stacking boxes in the front hall. Just looking at the steps made her tired. But Connor ran up and down the basement stairs and took some bags up to the nursery. Closing the door, she slid out of the red coat.
Connor settled in front of the TV, remote in his hand. Super Bowl would be coming up in January, so competition was especially keen right now. What their life would be like at the end of January?
For so long, it had been just the two of them. Those early years after the wedding had been so sweet. Made her smile to remember those days. How Connor had kidded her at first when they ate sloppy joes by candlelight. Sometimes they didn’t even finish dinner before he snuffed out the candles and hustled her toward the bedroom. Clothes would litter the floor along the way. The sofa and floor were also put to good use. In those years, they were hungry for way more than food.
Connor’s roar brought Amanda back to the living room and the game she wasn’t watching. Sometimes they seemed like an old married couple. Those light-hearted years had given way to grim determination once they realized having a baby was no easy trick. In time they stopped talking about it with family and friends. Connor seemed to take it all so personally.
While they struggled with infertility—Connor hated that word—Mark and Malcolm married and promptly began to produce children. That’s when their lives changed. Amanda tried not to let it bother her. Connor seemed so happy to be an uncle, but gradually his smile became set in stone. After those family celebrations—the showers, baptisms and birthdays—he came home silent and distant. The doctors’ appointments began.
At first, they were so hopeful. After all, Amanda was only in her mid twenties. They were told sometimes making a baby took time. The tension eased and Connor seemed to shift the responsibility to the doctor. They laughed about how they liked to practice, but “practicing” entailed taking her temperature and assuming certain positions. The kitchen calendar was marked with red X’s for the optimal times. When Connor came home dead tired after a long shift, the last thing he wanted to hear was that they were on deadline.
She’d never thought making love could become work but that’s exactly what happened. And with each appointment, each expensive procedure, Connor’s face took on a stoicism that broke her heart. The joy died slowly as disappointment took its toll. They started to pick at each other over small things.
Marriage became a duty.
The family they wanted so desperately, a dream.
When McKenna got to know Logan Castle at the hospital and suggested his clinic, Amanda tried not to get her hopes up. They met Logan when McKenna brought him to a family football party, which eased the way. His procedure made sense. The eggs were harvested, matured and inseminated outside her body before implantation. Sounded so simple but the first implantation failed.
Although Connor had firmly vetoed any thought of adoption, that all changed when Angie joined McKenna’s natural childbirth class.
Connor’s lips on her forehead brought Amanda upright. The clock on the mantel said almost ten. Must have fallen asleep. Amanda stood and stretched. “I’m beat.”
“Me too. We had a long day. Fun though. Sure you’re okay?’
“Fine. I’m just fine.”
He tugged her closer. Always safe in Connor’s arms, she needed his comfort tonight. “Maybe we should fool around tonight,” he whispered into her hair. “You know, in the spirit of the season.”
Warmth kindled deep in her belly. “Thought you were tired.” She nipped his lower lip, and their kiss deepened.
“I’ve made an amazing comeback.”
Oh, yeah. They were definitely fooling around tonight.
“I’ll check the doors and turn the lights out,” Connor said, pulling away. “Don’t put on those flannel pajamas of yours.”
“Not at all what I had in mind.” She gave him a saucy smile. That short nap had worked miracles.
She was halfway up the steps when she heard Connor say from the kitchen, “Looks like we have a message.”
Leaning over the banister, she strained to hear. First the beep and then the message. No mistaking Angie’s high voice. A clutch at her heart and Amanda eased down the steps. This couldn’t be good.
“Hi, you guys. Just wanted to tell you that I can’t meet with you tomorrow. Something's come up. Something we should talk about.” Angie’s voice wobbled like she was nervous.
Like she expected them to be upset.
Amanda’s stomach tumbled into freefell. Once she reached the kitchen, Connor’s eyes were trained on the landline and the red light. Her breath came in tight bursts.
“Guess we’ll have to call her tomorrow,” Connor finally said, eyes flicking to the clock on the wall. “It’s pretty late.”
She clutched the kitchen counter, the edge biting into her palms. “Let’s call McKenna, Connor. She’ll know what’s up.”
“That’s silly. I hate to bother her about this.” His brow furrowed.
“Connor, I need to know. Do you always have to handle everything yourself?” Her voice rose.
He wasn’t giving up and his jaw clenched. How she wished she could take back her shrill words. Reaching over, he switched off the kitchen light. “You know she can’t share any confidential information. Besides, chances are McKenna knows nothing about what’s going on with Angie. She would have said something.” He studied her face for a few beats. “Amanda, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t go from A to Z before we get the facts.”
The words hurt and she stiffened. “I’d rather take the disappointment now, Connor. Get it over with.”
His jaw dropped. “We don’t know anything.”
“You might not, but, Connor, I can feel it.” She pressed one hand against her thudding heart.
The phone rang but Connor had spaced out. Amanda picked it up. So few people called them on this landline.
“Hi, honey. Bet you’re surprised to hear from us.” Her mother sounded determined to be chipper. “We wanted to surprise you and drive up for the baby shower but the storm took us by surprise.”
“Where…where are you, Mom?” She could hardly get the words out.
Amanda could hear her dad grumbling in the background, saying something like “Only a fool would leave Florida.”
Her mother cleared her throat. “We’re in a motel in Kankakee. Not too far away, but we couldn’t make it today. All that snow. Wouldn’t you just know?” The genuine disappointment in her mother’s tone twisted something in Amanda’s chest.
So her parents really had planned to come?
“Why didn’t you RSVP, Mom? Connor’s mother thought you just ignored the invitation.”
The silence swelled for a couple of beats. “Oh, mercy no. We wanted to surprise everyone, sweetheart. That’s all.”
Sounded like something her mom would do. She’d always been one for surprises. “Oh, Mom. You were out in this snow? That’s so dangerous.”
Her parents weren’t used to driving in weather like this anymore. If they’d gotten into an accident trying to make it to this shower, she’d feel terrible.
“Hope the party was wonderful, sweetheart. I’ll call you again tomorrow once we get on the road, okay?”
“Mom, I have to work tomorrow and so does Connor. Would it be all right if I leave a key under the mat?”
“Of course.” The heartiness in her mother’s voice sounded more tired than true. “We’ll see you when we see you. Now don’t you worry about a thing. The roads should be better by then. We’ll just take our time.”
“See you then, Mom. Love you.” She ended the call. Could things get any more complicated?
“Your folks will be here tomorrow? Do you think you should take off?” Connor leaned one hip against the counter, concern bracketing his lips with lines.
“I just can’t. It would be so unfair to expect a substitute to handle my groups before Christmas. Besides, I’m already going to be out for my maternity leave. Apparently my parents set out to surprise us and ran into
bad weather.”
“Why didn’t they just fly?”
Amanda gave him a long look. “Did you just meet my father yesterday? You know he’s way too frugal for that. I’ll just leave a key.”
Connor ran one hand over his forehead. “Fine. That’s great.”
“You don’t want my parents here?” Sometimes Amanda felt her parents didn’t measure up to the Kirkpatricks in Connor’s eyes. Sure they weren’t Big Mike and Maureen, but hearing her mother’s voice brought a rush of feelings. Amanda wanted her mother here.
Then Angie’s message came back to her with a jolt. Dropping her head, she massaged her forehead. How would she explain to everyone if the adoption didn’t go through? All those gifts from friends and family.
Head pounding, she turned into the hallway and trudged up the steps with Connor right behind her. Once upstairs, he disappeared into the bathroom. Tugging on her flannel reindeer pajamas, Amanda scooted under the covers. They kept the heat down during the winter to avoid large bills. She buried herself deep, still wanting to call McKenna. But she didn’t.
When Connor finally came to bed, she pretended to be asleep. Big sigh and his shoes hit the floor. His western belt buckle jingled when he tossed his jeans over a chair. Tugging off his rugby shirt, he unleashed a rich scent that was pure Connor. When he snugged her against his stomach, his broad chest warmed her back. “Don’t worry, babe. Things will turn out just fine.”
Always so positive. Cupping her hands over his, she couldn’t find any words.
So much was chattering in her head.
Chapter Four
By the time Amanda got up the next day, Connor had already left for the fire station. She pushed back the bedroom curtain. The snow had stopped and gray clouds weighted the sky. Even a quick peek at the mural in the nursery couldn’t lift her spirits. Maybe Connor was right. Maybe she should call in sick. But the students were usually off the wall before a long break. Her sophomores were the worst of all. How would a substitute ever handle them?
Shivering after a brisk shower, she pulled on her green sweater. But while she sipped her coffee, an idea bloomed. Plowing through their shelves, Amanda finally found the large red book. Her personal Christmas favorite might make the day bearable.
