by Beth Rinyu
After my grandmother passed away three months ago, I knew there was nothing left for me in that picturesque suburb just outside of Boston. I had never known my father, and my mother passed away when I was in high school. So my grandmother became everything to me, taking care of me during my awkward teenage years and then again more recently when my entire world shattered. Even in her frail state and failing health, she was my rock, willing me to go on after losing the love of my life and a part of myself. The closest thing to family I still had was Aaron’s business partner, Adam. He was Aaron’s best friend, frat brother, and best man at our wedding. He’d been a valuable support in helping to cope with my loss, but I knew it was time to start depending on me. So when I saw the job listing for a first grade teacher at an elementary school hundreds of miles away in the town that was so special to my husband, I took it as a sign from both my grandmother and Aaron to go for it. So I did. After one phone interview and two video conference interviews, I was hired, forcing me to pack up my old life and get my act together in finding a place to live that would also allow Gus, all in under a month. By sheer luck, I had found the listing for this rental on the Internet and sent the owner my security deposit and first month’s rent.
“Okay, Gus, looks like we’re going to have to take a trip to the store to get some food…and cleaning products,” I said as I ran my finger along the dusty mantle.
My heart raced and the familiar panic I had grown so accustomed to overtook me when the dirt and rocks began to kick up outside. I stood frozen in fear while Gus began to bark at the unexpected visitor. I did my breathing exercises just like the therapist had taught me but nothing took away the anxiety. Who else would be out in the middle of the woods? It’s not like this place is on the beaten path. Maybe he’s been keeping tabs on me all along and was just waiting for the perfect time to get me alone? My entire body broke out in sweat as each breath became more labored. Gus rushed to my side. Sensing my anxiety, he began to whine and circle at my feet to offer me comfort. I bent down and wrapped my arms around him, burying my tear-filled face into his fur as my body shook uncontrollably.
I had thought I was getting better, but as I sat on the floor clutching my dog for dear life, having a full-blown panic attack, I knew I was far from better. I gasped when I heard the light knock on the door. Standing up on shaky legs, I grabbed my can of mace from my purse and concealed it in my hand. Gus led the way with a wag of his tail, which put my mind at ease ever so slightly. The few steps to the door seemed like miles as I tried to get my breathing under control. My palms were sweaty and my hands were shaky as I gripped the can of mace in one hand and turned the doorknob with the other. I squeezed my eyes and took a deep breath before finally flinging the door open to find a tall, well-built man who looked to be around my age on the other side.
“Can I help you?” I whispered through the screen door, my voice cracking.
“Lacey Sullivan?”
“Yes,” I meekly replied.
“I’m Quinn Lavery. Sorry, I totally forgot you were moving in today. I would have prepared a little better.”
With each inhale my breathing returned to normal. I was such a fool for always imagining the worst. “Oh, ummm, that’s fine.” I swiped my eyes with the back of my hand, trying to disguise that I’d been crying.
“Did you need anything? Everything look okay?”
I nodded and opened the screen door just enough to let Gus out, who was going crazy. He immediately approached the handsome stranger and began to wag his tail. Shock drew my brows together, knowing how standoffish Gus could be around strangers.
“Hey there.” He bent down and scratched Gus behind the ears.
“Boy or girl?” He squinted up at me with his dark blue eyes.
“Boy,” I whispered.
“Do you have a name, big guy?” He chuckled as Gus began to lick his face.
“His name is Gus.” I tapped my leg, summoning Gus to come back inside, who immediately followed my command. I could tell I took Quinn a little bit by surprise with my abruptness as he stood up and gazed at me questionably.
“Okay, well, there’s a food store and a gas station a few miles up the road after you make a left out of the driveway.” I nodded and pulled my sweat jacket around me tighter. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes. I’m fine.” I stared at him in a daze.
His eyes shifted down to the can of mace in my hand. “I don’t think you’ll need that much around here.”
“Oh!” I startled, breaking from my trance-like state and feeling somewhat embarrassed he had spotted the can I was trying to conceal. I shook my head, searching for the right words. “I-I—”
He held his hand up to stop me from talking. “It’s okay. You can never be too careful. Well, I’m staying in the apartment upstairs, if you need anything.”
“Oh, okay…thanks.” My gaze fell to the ground, hating how socially awkward I’d become. I used to be outgoing and funny, now barely an empty shell of the girl I once was. The old Lacey Sullivan existed in body only. Her mind, spirit, and drive were all taken away on the same night Aaron was.
He nodded, and I caught the intense stare he had upon me when my eyes shifted past him. “Well, it was nice meeting you. You too, Gus.” He smiled as he looked down at Gus with his tail swinging back and forth.
“And you as well,” I responded, wrapping my arms tightly around me as I watched him walk away.
I hurriedly closed the door and rushed over to the couch, burying my face in my hands, while trying to breathe through this recent encounter. I needed to pull it together if I expected to function in the real world. Anger bubbled within me for being so trusting and corresponding with a stranger I’d never met to rent this place. He could have been a psychotic killer for all I knew, and I allowed myself to walk right into his trap. I should have realized how stupid that was of me. Luckily, he seemed like a normal standup guy, but I would never let my guard down. He was my landlord and that’s all I needed to know. As long as I paid my rent on time and any problems with the rental were addressed, I had no other business dealing with him.
My hands finally stopped trembling and my legs could support me once again. I took a few steps to the box I had set on the chair and dug through it until I came to the most precious possession inside of it, my and Aaron’s wedding picture. I walked over to the mantle, never taking my eyes off the happy couple in that portrait with their whole lives ahead of them. Children, traveling, and growing old together. These were all things we were robbed of. Things I would never experience again, nor would I want to with any other man. I skimmed his face with the tip of my index finger, wishing it was his warm razor-stubbed skin I was feeling instead of the cool glass. He was so handsome with this dirty-blond wavy hair and his chocolate-brown eyes that were so big and expressive. He was the love of my life and I was his. His giving and caring personality was contagious, always doing so much to help out others who needed it. I took a deep breath and watched a lone teardrop fall upon the wooden frame. Twenty-seven years old was too soon to leave this earth with still so much to do. I pulled the picture into me and placed it on my heart. “I miss you so much, Aaron. I hope you know that. I want to be with you so badly, but I know you’d be angry at me if I chose to be with you that way. It’s just so hard for me. I feel like everything inside of me died along with you, and I don’t know how to make it come alive again.” I choked back a sob as the tears were gushing from my eyes. “I know I’ll be okay. I have to be…or at least try, but it’s so hard some days. The pain of losing you…the pain of—” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Two years later, countless therapy sessions, and I couldn’t say that ugly despicable word. I placed the photo in the center of the mantle and stared at it for some time. “I know I will see you again someday, my love, but until then…please watch over me.”
Chapter 3
Quinn
The next few days were filled with work. It was the perfect excuse to avoid Sara and yet another therap
y session, which in my opinion only made things worse between us. Instead, I agreed to meet her for lunch at a restaurant so we’d be in front of a gang of people instead of duking it out with the therapist.
As usual, Sara was on her phone as I approached the restaurant. She could never put work aside, always occupied with a call or an important email she needed to respond to. I waited for her to get done barking out orders to whoever was on the other end of the line, knowing already just by the stressful tone in her voice how this lunch date was going to end. She abruptly hung up and focused her attention on me, forcing a smile. “Sorry about that…I just sometimes feel like I have a bunch of idiots working for me.” I remained expressionless, giving her a raise of my eyebrow. Truth was, Sara was a perfectionist and everyone she encountered was an idiot. She could have robots programmed by her, working for her, and she would still find fault in something they did. “Okay, so if you’re going to have an attitude then should we just forget about lunch?” she snapped.
“I don’t have an attitude, Sara, but if you’re gonna be on that damn phone the entire time, then yeah, maybe we should just skip it.”
She threw her phone into her purse and held her hands up. “All gone!” she said with her usual sarcastic tone. I let out a deep breath and held the door open, allowing her to walk in ahead of me. We were shown to our seat, but not before I was stopped by about half a dozen people saying hello. Sara was already seated by the time I got to the table. “Really, we can’t go anyplace where you don’t have to stop and talk to everyone?”
“Sorry, don’t want to be rude. You know most of those people as well. Would it have killed you to say hello?”
“I’m not much in the mood for socializing with anyone.” She moved her long blond hair to one side and looked down at her menu.
“Then why are we here?” She stared up at me questionably. “If you’re not in the mood to socialize,” I clarified.
“I meant with any of those people, not with you.”
Any of those people. People she and her family had known her entire life. A few who had attended our wedding and some of whom had prepared dinners for us every single night for almost a whole month after we had lost the baby. Sometimes I questioned my own sanity for still being in love with someone as self-centered as her. But I knew that she wasn’t the same woman I’d fallen in love with all those years ago. She had slowly morphed into this arrogant, pretentious person she was now.
She raised her eyebrow at me when I ordered a beer. “Don’t you have to go back to work?”
“Nope. I don’t, and what does it matter to you even if I did?”
She shook her head and shrugged. “Nothing. I just thought…well, your drinking was one of the things we discussed with Joyce, and I thought we agreed—”
“I didn’t agree to anything. You and your therapist did.”
“Will you stop acting like a child? We both agreed to talk to Joyce for the sake of our marriage.”
“Whatever, Sara. I don’t need to pay someone to tell me what’s fucked up about me or my marriage. Our son died. You cheated on me, and now I like to drink every now and then…end of story.”
Her eyes widened and glazed over. “You can be such a heartless bastard sometimes, you know that?”
I ran my hand down the scruff on my face. “Yeah, well, what can I say? I never used to be this way.”
She was just about to speak when the waitress came over and placed our drinks in front of us. “I don’t want to argue with you, Quinn. I want to talk.”
“So…talk.” I lifted the beer bottle up to my mouth and took a swig.
“Well…” Her eyes began to wander everywhere but to me.
“I was thinking about staying in the city for a while. You know, it would just be easier with work and the commute and everything.”
I slammed my beer down on the table, causing her to jump. “Oh, how convenient!”
“What are you talking about?” Her voice rose in defense.
“You’ll be closer to your job? What do you think I’m stupid? You’ll be closer to him! Are you moving in with him, Sara? Is that what it is?”
She sat there speechless and her silence answered my question. “Aww, man. You got me again. I’m calling a realtor and getting the house up for sale first thing Monday morning.”
“Quinn, stop, I’m not moving in with him!”
“No, I’m done, Sara. Done trying to make you love me the same way I’ve always loved you. So fuck that house. Fuck our marriage and fuck you.” I stood up and threw some money down on the table, looking at her one last time. “I hope the two of you have a great life together…you both deserve one another.”
***
It took everything inside of me to not punch a dent right into the side of my truck. She told me she needed time apart to work on things. Now here she was moving farther away from us and closer to him. I hated her. I hated him. And most of all I hated myself for still having such strong feelings for someone as heartless as her. I was out of Jack and Jim, so I settled for the next best thing, a brand new bottle of tequila. I grabbed the bottle and my fishing pole and headed out.
It was a perfect late summer day, no humidity, light breeze. The kind of day that would instantly put a normal person in a good mood, but I was far from normal, at least not anymore. I made my way down to the lake and stopped in my tracks when I saw Lacey and her dog sitting on the dock. In the past five days she had been here, she didn’t make a peep. She would barely lift her head to acknowledge me the few times we’d crossed paths outside. She was definitely a beautiful girl, but she had the personality of a rock. Not that it mattered anyway. She was my tenant, not my friend. I was grateful she was a model renter, instead of a pain in the ass who complained about everything or made a lot of noise. I stared a little longer at her long raven-colored hair blowing in the breeze. The palms of her hands were braced on the dock as she tilted her head back and looked up at the sky. I didn’t know why, but for one brief moment, I wondered what she was thinking. I was pretty certain she had a story to tell just by the way she reacted on the day we met, as if terrified by something. Maybe that was the reason for her charming personality. Whatever the reason, it was none of my business. I had enough of my own problems. I didn’t need or care to involve myself in anyone else’s, especially some chick I didn’t even know. Gus took notice of me and began to bark, causing her to jump and abruptly stand up. She adjusted her long form-fitting sundress while Gus greeted me in his usual friendly manner.
“Let’s go, Gus,” she commanded as she got closer. She cast me a quick sideways glance and nodded before shifting her attention back to Gus.
“You don’t have to go…it’s a big lake. I won’t bother you if you don’t bother me.”
“Umm…no, I have to go to the supermarket.”
Now that I was getting a closer look at her porcelain skin, her deep red lips, and her bright blue eyes that were settled on mine, I realized she was beyond gorgeous, but that beauty was masking some kind of pain deep within her. She pushed her hair from her face, and I caught a glimpse of the shiny gold band on her left finger. Without even thinking, I blurted out, “Where’s your husband?”
She froze for a moment, like I’d just kicked her in the stomach. “Excuse me?” Her voice shook.
“I’m sorry. I noticed your wedding band.”
She closed her eyes and pulled in her lower lip. When I saw the pain radiating from her face, I began to regret being so invasive with my question. She swallowed hard and her eyes diverted to my ring finger, which still displayed my wedding band. “And where’s your wife?” she asked with tear-filled eyes, taking me a little off guard. “Don’t ask questions you’re not willing to answer yourself,” she snapped. “Come on, Gus.” Her voice cracked with emotion as she walked back to the house with Gus following behind her.
“What the fuck?” I whispered, shaking my head in confusion. She was a complete jigsaw puzzle. Thankfully, that was one puzzle I would never have to
put together.
Chapter 4
Lacey
The half hour trip to the supermarket helped me to take my mind off my recent encounter with my landlord. The nerve of him to pry into my life in such a way. Maybe he should’ve worried about his own life before worrying about what was going on in mine. In the short time I had been here, whenever I would go past my window and see him outside, he would have a bottle in his hand, leading me to believe he was using alcohol as a crutch to get him through something in his life. Would I be as forward to ask him what his problem was? No. Not even the old Lacey would be that intruding. Bottom line was we all had problems, and we all dealt with them in different ways. He chose to drink, and I chose to become a hermit. It wasn’t my place to question anything about him, and it wasn’t his place to question anything about me.
I pulled off the main road and down the long dirt driveway, fuming once again just thinking about the knot that had formed in my stomach when he had asked that question. Aaron was a topic of conversation that was off-limits with anyone, except Gus and my inner self. When I pulled up closer to the house and saw him looking for something in the back of his truck, I debated on whether I should wait to make my exit and carry my bags inside. After a few minutes of sitting in my Jeep, I realized how silly I was being. I had made it clear to him out on that dock to mind his own business. He would have to be totally stupid to ask any more questions of me. I hopped out, and just like I had thought, he had learned his lesson, not even lifting his head at the closing of my Jeep door. As I walked around to get my bags out of the back seat, I couldn’t help but notice him now sitting on the tailgate of his pick-up truck with a blood soaked towel wrapped around his hand. I paused for a moment, wondering if I should check if he was okay. Stop it, Lacey! You mind your business and he’ll mind his. I grabbed one of the bags and caught another quick glimpse of him applying pressure to his hand. If there was one thing I hated, it was seeing others in pain. It was something I had identified with even more within the past two years. Carrying my bag, I cautiously approached his truck.
