Does your name have anything to do with your disposition?
GROUCHO
What’s a Marx disposition? No. I don’t think so. Do you think I’m grouchy? I don’t think I’m sarcastic or grouchy. I think I’m nothing.
I
I don’t think you’re grouchy at all. I know you don’t believe in false modesty. I believe you tell the truth.
GROUCHO
Even when I’m kidding, I tell the truth, and that’s no joke. I only kid with my friends. I don’t walk up to strangers in the street and insult them!
I
Do people ever insult you?
GROUCHO
Not often, but sometimes people walk up to me on the street and stop me and say, “You know me, don’t you, Groucho?” and I’ll say, “Frankly, no!” They don’t identify themselves. You know, I meet a lot of people, so it’s stupid and it’s annoying. People shouldn’t do that to you.
I
But you rarely seem to take it badly when people stop you in the street or interrupt you while you’re eating to ask for autographs.
GROUCHO
No. I always think what it would be like if they didn’t want you anymore.
I
How would you describe your style of humor?
GROUCHO
Droll.
I
During the bad film we saw the other night, you told me once that character was the most important element in comedy, that the best comedy grew out of character.
GROUCHO
That’s true. I’m a character.
I
Recently I heard that the Bugs Bunny character started out as a Groucho imitator. The carrot was originally supposed to be your cigar, and Bugs Bunny often used some of your lines, like, “Of course you know this means war!” What do you think about that?
GROUCHO
I’ll sue him!
I
What about slapstick comedy?
GROUCHO
We used to do slapstick sometimes, but it was intelligent. The lowest form of humor is when a man stands on the stage and makes funny faces, like that movie we went to see. The best thing about it was the popcorn. That was the only thing that was fresh. And I don’t eat in movies.
I
I don’t either.
GROUCHO
You could’ve made an exception.
I
Not counting the Marx Brothers, who in your opinion was the greatest comedian?
GROUCHO
Oh, Chaplin, no question.
I
What did you think of Harold Lloyd?
GROUCHO
He used to get laughs by climbing up walls and stuff like that. He was a good comedian. Kind of an acrobat. Chaplin was great.
I
What did you think about W. C. Fields?
GROUCHO
A great comedian. He was also a writer. We were on the bill together in Toledo, at the Keith theatre. He walked off the show. He told the manager of the theatre that he had “humpers on the carumpers.” It was just words he was making up. That’s the way he was; he didn’t want to follow us on the show. We did a big act with thirty people, and he was standing there alone on the stage with a cigar box, singing “‘Yankee Doodle went to town,’” and the audience was walking out of the theatre. It’s five o’clock. In Toledo they didn’t eat dinner at eight-thirty. So Fields decided to quit the show, and he took the next train for New York. I knew him years later when he worked in Hollywood. He used to hide in the bushes in front of his house and shoot at tourists who were passing by with his beebee gun. I liked the way he said, “To hell with the whole world,” and he meant it! Did you ever hear of Moran and Mack?
I
No, I don’t believe so.
GROUCHO
This was a comedy team, and they were great, one of the great ones that we ever had in vaudeville. And Mack was a great dice handler. He could throw dice and make ’em come up any way he wanted to. He took Harpo and Chico for $3,000. So the next night Harpo and Chico got him in a card game, and they had arranged signals. They won back the $3,000 and a couple thousand more.
I
What was their act like?
GROUCHO
They were blackface comedians. Mack says to Moran, who was the comedian, he says, “I hear you bought some pigs.” He says, “Yes, I bought some pigs.” “What’d you pay for ’em?” “I paid a dollar for each pig.” “And what’d you do with ’em?” “Well, I kept ’em there, and in the autumn I sold them for a dollar apiece.” “But you didn’t make any money that way.” “No, that’s right, I didn’t. But I had the company of the pigs all winter.” Then one says, “Good morning,” the other one says, “Good afternoon.” And the other one says, “Good night.” And the other one says, “Well, I’m glad that day is over.”
I
You knew Will Rogers well.
GROUCHO
I used to visit him. And he used to sit in his dressing room punching out his jokes. On the typewriter. Then I taught him how to play the guitar. I got fifty dollars for a parody of the song “Oh, What a Pal Is Mary,” and I bought a typewriter. It was so heavy I put it in my trunk. And the next town we went to, the typewriter dropped out of the bottom of the trunk. It smashed.
I
Do you remember your parody?
GROUCHO
(Singing) “‘Oh, what a bull was Mary, oh, what a bull was she. That she was born, on a September morn, and to prove it she kicked me in the knee. She tore a hole in my trousers, and she gave me a kick in the back. But though she is gone, the pain lingers on, for Mary’s first name was Jack.’” This was when Mary Pickford was getting a divorce from Douglas Fairbanks.
I
The Marx Brothers were pretty bold and not easily daunted.
GROUCHO
We were young. When you’re young, you’re not afraid. You don’t know any better.
I
As a celebrity, you are a visible target. Have you ever felt in danger?
GROUCHO
Well, I get threatening letters all the time.
I
What do you do about them?
GROUCHO
Nothing. You know, I once had a gun. And I had the bullets in one part of the house so the children couldn’t get at them. One day someone tried to break into the house. I couldn’t find the bullets. So I said, “If you stand there for a few minutes till I find them…”
I
Is that a true story?
GROUCHO
Yes, that’s true. Did I ever tell you what happened on the Gus Sun Circuit? That was the man’s name, Gus Sun, and he had about twenty theatres, small-time theatres. We were playing in Cincinnati, and there was a burly show in town, and we were dying to meet those girls. The manager of the show was stuck on the leading lady. I remember, she wore an American flag around here. And somebody said, “There’s been many a battle fought beneath that old flag.” Well, the manager gave a birthday party for this chorus girl. And we were invited. There was a singer on the bill with us named Freddy Watson. He was a good singer, but a real fresh kid. So, when the manager gave this birthday party for the chorus girl, he says, “I love her. She’s the idol of my ma. And she’s only twenty-seven.” And Freddy stood up and said, “I’d hate to hang for every year she’s over thirty.” The manager picked up a knife and started chasing us. He chased us right out of the building. He’d have killed us if he’d caught us. We played the Gus Sun’s because it was very popular then, and they had about twenty theatres. The owner, Gus Sun, used to book in ten acts. And he’d try them all out, and he’d keep five of the acts, and let five go. We played on the bill with a fellow named Moe. I can’t remember his last name. But he used a trick. He used to stick his chin way out like that. And the audience would laugh! And he sang in the school act. And he wanted thirty dollars or he was going to quit the act. We were each getting twenty-five dollars. So we says, “We can’t give you thirty dollars.” And he quit. So I started to sing instea
d of him. (Pause) You know what I liked?
I
Tell me.
GROUCHO
I think about that time we went with “Mr. Carnegie Hall” [Ron Delsener] to see my house. Every time I’m going to New York, I think about all the things I want to do, and never get to do them. I always have to do a lot of other things.
I
When we went with Ron to visit your former house in Great Neck, did you feel it was very much changed?
GROUCHO
It seemed different. I don’t know anybody there now. Great Neck was a very fancy town in those days. I mean, Hammerstein and big names in show business used to live there.
I
You showed me the photograph of you in Great Neck, standing beside a big convertible.
GROUCHO
Yeah, I had a Packard. I never took it anywhere. I washed it every day. I also owned a couple of Cadillacs and a La Salle. I had big cars then because I was making a lot of money. Then I got wiped out in ’29—$250,000—all the money I saved over the years just went like that. Now I keep my money in my sock. I’ve got sox appeal.
I
I know you’ve come to prefer living in California to living in New York. Do you think life in Hollywood has changed since you first came here?
GROUCHO
No. Just everybody’s looking for a job, that’s all. No jobs around.
I
What was Hollywood like when you came?
GROUCHO
Well, I was much younger. That’s one thing. I arrived here in 1930 from New York and I immediately signed up with Paramount and did twelve pictures here. When I first came out here, I used to ride horseback on Sunset Boulevard, and there was no such thing as Beverly Hills. I dressed like a cowboy with a ten-gallon hat, only I wore a nine-gallon hat. They were cheaper. We had fun. We were young. Now there are fewer studios, fewer films, because of television, and a lot of people don’t go to the movies anymore, unless it’s a really unusual one, because it costs a lot to go to the movies now.
I
How would you describe Hollywood?
GROUCHO
How would I describe Hollywood? I love it! That’d be my only description of it. It’s the only place that I’m happy in.
I
Do you like New York? Do you have a good time when you go back there?
GROUCHO
Yes, but it isn’t my whole life.
I
Do you think the life of a star is different now than it used to be? Hearing about the way it used to be here, those days seem to me to have been more glamorous.
GROUCHO
I’ll tell you what’s changed—television has changed the movie industry, because this is where the average person gets their entertainment from. I think this is show business today.
I
Are you sorry television has taken over?
GROUCHO
No, because most of the movies are lousy. As people get older, they don’t want to get in their car and go to a theatre and stand in line, even if it’s a good picture. The average person turns on the television, and sometimes you see a good show. It’s much easier to just take off your shoes and put on your bathrobe and look at a couple of lousy TV shows. That’s about it.
I Why do you suppose there are so few really funny movies made today?
GROUCHO
There’s no comedians left. Now, you talk about funny pictures, let’s start with Chaplin. He doesn’t work anymore—he’s too old. Buster Keaton is dead. W. C. Fields is dead. Mae West isn’t dead, but she isn’t working. Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, when they were together, yes, it was a good team. All the others are dead. Laurel and Hardy are dead. One of the reasons why there are no comedians is there’s no more vaudeville. There is no place to train a comedian today.
I Do you think there is still as good an audience for comedy movies?
GROUCHO
You put on a funny picture today, and they’ll go see it. That’s all I can tell you. Give them entertainment, and they’ll go see it. I saw That’s Entertainment three times, and I’m going to see it again. (Pause) You should’ve come when Mae West was here to dinner. I said to her, “How’s Bill Fields,” and she said, “I only see him in my dreams.”
I
I’m sorry I missed it. Who were the other comedians you admired?
GROUCHO
Fred Allen was great. A wonderful man. I miss him. He was a great writer. He had a rube comedian on his show, Titus Moody, who said he lived in a seashore town that was so small the tide went out one day and never came back. Then Fred said he was playing in a town so small that the assistant manager of the theatre was a bear. I think those are great jokes. That’s Fred’s writing. He wrote most of the show himself. He was like Woody. But he died young. He was in his fifties. Woody Allen’s the genius now.
I Which Woody Allen picture do you like best?
GROUCHO
Play It Again, Sam. He’s a big talent—one of the few big talents around. I’m crazy about him.
I
I know how you feel about Bill Cosby.
GROUCHO
He’s as great as any actor I’ve seen in show business. There’s nobody can do what he can. The thing is, he doesn’t tell any jokes. He tells what happened to people and how they behave. He talks about any subject. He could talk about you or a chair or anything. An extraordinary actor. I’ve never seen anything like him. Do you remember how he was at my party at Hillcrest, all ad-lib? Great, wasn’t he?
I
Yes indeed.
GROUCHO
Phil Silvers was a good comedian too, and he was always a nice guy. You know, we go back a long ways together—back to when Melinda was a baby. He asked me not long ago, “Does Melinda still wear the cowboy suit I bought her?” I think she was three years old or something. Well, I’m so old now that they’ve just named a salami sandwich after me. Salami and provolone. It’s a good sandwich! They call it a Groucho.
I
You don’t have to be old to have a sandwich named after you.
GROUCHO
How many young guys do you know who’ve had sandwiches named after them?
I
Offhand I can’t think of any. That was a lovely lunch with George Burns. I didn’t realize you’d introduced him to Gracie Allen.
GROUCHO
I met him in Schenectady. I was having dinner with Gracie Allen. I liked her. She was a very cute little Irish tap dancer. I wasn’t interested in her; I just liked her. But Burns married her. He came over. He was eating at another table. And he came over and saw Gracie, and he immediately fell in love with her.
I
Love at first sight…
GROUCHO
He’d seen her. But he’d never met her.
I
You were a friend of Humphrey Bogart.
GROUCHO
I was at Bogart’s house all the time. He was a wonderful host. He had two or three shots of booze, and he had a yacht and he’d go on the yacht to get away from Lauren Bacall. Not that he didn’t like her. He wanted to be around with men. I took a dame to his house one night. She had real big knockers. And he said, “Who’s the broad you got there?” And I said she was my secretary.
I
And you knew Spencer Tracy…
GROUCHO
Katharine Hepburn came to my house with Spencer Tracy. I was walking one of Eden’s dogs, and as I was getting close to the top of this hill, there was Katharine Hepburn with Spencer Tracy, and they had a big dog. Then they came to my house. I had a lot of peanuts—you know, I was a ball fan—and she said, “Oh, isn’t that lovely! Peanuts!” I don’t think she’d ever seen a peanut. In the shell, I mean. Like you get in the ballpark.
I
That sounds like Katharine Hepburn pulling your leg.
GROUCHO
I wish she would’ve. A wonderful actress.
I
Who is your favorite actress?
GROUCHO
Sarah Bernhardt. I only saw her once, when I played on the bill with her. She got $1,000 each night before she went on. She had one leg, and I had two legs, and I only got $200 a week.
I
What was her act like?
GROUCHO
She did a dramatic sketch where she was lying in a coffin.
I
Did the audience accept it well?
GROUCHO
Completely serious! She was one of the first acts that played the Palace Theatre because she was a big attraction.
I
Lee Strasberg told me that he thought Barbra Streisand is the actress who could play Sarah Bernhardt.
GROUCHO
I admire Streisand. She’s a great singer.
I
When you were making Room Service, did you think that Lucille Ball would be such a big success?
GROUCHO
Not then, no.
I
Was she very noticeable?
GROUCHO
She was very attractive. I noticed that.
I
Whom do you consider to be the sexiest actress?
GROUCHO
Sexiest?! I’d have to go to bed with them to say. I’d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. And the fellow who was stuck on her married her, and he was impotent. He killed himself. Did you know that?
I
No.
GROUCHO
Well, you know it now. Carole Lombard was a hell of an actress. She did a picture with Jack Benny which Lubitsch directed. A great picture. Benny was wonderful in it. It was called To Be or Not to Be. Lubitsch was one of the best directors, I guess, in this country. He wanted to do a movie with us.
I
Why didn’t you make a movie with him?
GROUCHO
Well, we were tied up with Paramount then, making those five turkeys. He was a genius. I always wanted to do a picture with him.
I
René Clair told me he would have very much liked to make a film with you.
GROUCHO
Yes. There was nobody greater. We wanted him, but it never happened.
I
I know you like Jacques Tati.
GROUCHO
The tall guy. Funny man. The first couple he did I thought were very funny. Especially where he was going into a cemetery and putting a tire on somebody’s grave. That was good.
I
Mr. Hulot’s Holiday. You told me that some of the foreign comedy films lose a lot for you when you have to read the subtitles.
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