You should get an award.
BILL COSBY
I’m gonna give myself one.
GROUCHO
I’m not kidding.
BILL COSBY
I’m not kidding either.
GROUCHO
That act I saw you do that night…that’s as great an act as I’ve ever seen in my life.
BILL COSBY
Well, thank you. I just got my award.
ERIN
What was it?
BILL COSBY
He just gave it to me. I got the Groucho Marx Sitting-at-Dinner-Telling-You-How-Great-You-Are award. You know what I’m going to do?
GROUCHO
No. What are you going to do?
BILL COSBY
(Singing) “What can I do, when you are far away, and I am blue, what can I do?” (Groucho joins in) But now I’m going to go to the trophy store…
GROUCHO
You’re gonna go down in a taxi, honey…(He starts to sing “The Darktown Strutters’ Ball”) “Gotta be ready about quarter past four…”
BILL COSBY
Oh no, not quarter past four! What’re you gonna rhyme with four? You gotta say “eight” so you can say, “Don’t be late.”
GROUCHO
(Singing) “I’m gonna be there when the darkies start playing…”
BILL COSBY
Not the “darkies”! “Band” not “darkies.” You mess up everything. You just embarrassed me so many times!
GROUCHO
Now, the guy who wrote that song was playing on the bill with me in Canton, Ohio. And they wouldn’t let him go in the lake there because he was a black man.
BILL COSBY
That’s right. He was colored at that time. That was before he was black.
GROUCHO
He was like you. And he was a great songwriter. But they wouldn’t let him go in the water.
BILL COSBY And so he said, “But I wrote this song…”
GROUCHO He wrote a number of songs.
BILL COSBY
And they said, “We don’t care what you wrote, you’re not going in the water because you’ll disfigure it.”
GROUCHO
That’s right. He’ll get it dirty.
BILL COSBY
“You’ll leave a ring around our lake.”
GROUCHO
He had one song he sang about. He’d gone to the circus, and a lion had broken loose. The song went, “While the lion was marching through Tennessee, I was marching through Georgia.” He was a great songwriter.
BILL COSBY
You know who I recommend to have dinner with you, Grouch? You know Bobby Short?
GROUCHO
No, but I knew him when he was long.
BILL COSBY
Well, he’s short now.
GROUCHO
He was short about fifty dollars when I saw him.
BILL COSBY
And a haircut, because he was the party of the first part.
GROUCHO
Yeah, and who’s the party of the second part?
BILL COSBY
I have no idea. I’m confused. Whose party is it?
GROUCHO
I did that scene in one of my pictures.
BILL COSBY
I know you did. And you kept tearing the paper.
GROUCHO
That’s right.
BILL COSBY
And you said, “Well, if you got it, then you tear it off.”
GROUCHO
Then he says, “What about the final clause? There ain’t no Sanity Clause.”
BILL COSBY
But Bobby Short knows great, great songs.
ERIN
Is he around?
BILL COSBY
Sure. He sings in the lounge of the Carlyle Hotel. I’ll have him give you a ring.
GROUCHO
On the finger? Is he long again?
BILL COSBY
He was, but now he’s having trouble paying the rent. Anyhow, he knows all the songs you know, and he can run ’em at the piano. One night we were sitting there…
GROUCHO
Sitting where?
BILL COSBY
In the Carlyle Hotel…
GROUCHO
Oh.
BILL COSBY
…in the lounge, and Bobby had finished singing.
GROUCHO
What happened?
BILL COSBY
He came over and sat down with us. He congratulated me on this book I had written the introduction for, called The Black Book, which is about…
GROUCHO
Couldn’t you write a White Book?
BILL COSBY
Well, I tried to, but they told me somebody already had. So he said he looked up all the old songs that this book had, and that in his collection of songs he has hundreds of songs written in the olden days that were anti-Negro and anti-black. But really like hit tunes. And he started singing this one song. It was so funny. It was called “You May Look Like a Hawaiian, But You’re Just Another Nigger to Me.”
ERIN
Really!
BILL COSBY
But it was funny. Listen to this: (Singing) “You may straighten your hair, and you may have a certain color in your skin, but you’re just another nigger to me. Oh, you may look like a Hawaiian, but you’re just another nigger to me.” Bobby was really getting into it, you know, like he was playin’ it, man! He went on this black program, and the guy was talking black, and he said, “Have you ever heard of any of these songs?” Bobby started to run down some of the songs, and this guy, militant as he was, couldn’t take it. He couldn’t listen.
GROUCHO
I was reading Truman’s book…
BILL COSBY
I love it! I love it!
GROUCHO
He was telling about how his grandfather had slaves. Once he told me when a couple got married in those days, they would give them four slaves. They would give them a cook, and somebody working the garden, and a nursemaid, and another maid. They’d give them to you!
BILL COSBY
I never got anything when I got married.
ERIN
You got a very pretty wife.
GROUCHO
Did you get a dose?
BILL COSBY
I got a wife, I didn’t get a dose! Lord, man, I wasn’t in Toronto.
ERIN
You didn’t even touch your salad.
BILL COSBY
Who, me?
ERIN
No, Groucho.
GROUCHO
I didn’t see it. Has it been there all the time?
ERIN
Yes, it has.
GROUCHO
Well, shucks!
BILL COSBY
And hush your mouth!
ERIN
We’re going to leave in about fifteen minutes.
BILL COSBY
This restaurant sure does close early. I’d rather take it easy, you know. Relax a little. But now the owner’s telling me to get out.
GROUCHO
She’s not telling you to get out. She said, “Go out!”
BILL COSBY
Oh. Well, we get to catch The Waltz of the Toreadors. You know what this play is about?
GROUCHO
No.
BILL COSBY
It’s about you! It’s about this man, and he’s going around trying to hump everybody.
ERIN
That’s true!
BILL COSBY
And his wife is upstairs, sick, and an invalid. And he’s downstairs…
GROUCHO
Humping.
BILL COSBY
No, trying to. He never gets any. He just loves to go around trying to hump anything that moves.
ERIN
Oh, you must tell Bill Chico’s joke. Remember it?
GROUCHO
Which joke?
ERIN
Chico’s favorite joke. I’ll tell it if you like.
GROUC
HO
You tell it.
BILL COSBY
She wants to be rude tonight.
ERIN
He’s not allowed to talk while he’s chewing. Dr. Kert’s rule.
BILL COSBY
Why? What’s that got to do with it? You know these stories coming out about you? I don’t believe any of ’em.
GROUCHO
It’s “The Secret Life of Groucho Marx.”
BILL COSBY
Say the secret word and gag on yourself. (Martha the cook enters)
MARTHA
Want some more coffee?
BILL COSBY
I don’t care what it is as long as it’s dark and hot.
GROUCHO
Better be careful, Martha. (Martha exits giggling)
BILL COSBY
(Inspecting Oscar) Now, you take this gold streaker…
ERIN
He’s rather tight in the rear, isn’t he?
BILL COSBY
He looks like one of my people as opposed to one of yours. Got some nice buns. And a great profile. I could see a woman at home getting quite horny over that, and going out in search of it.
GROUCHO
It’s rather phallic, isn’t it?
ERIN
Yeah, and there’s a picture today in the Herald of Groucho kissing it. Can I please tell Chico’s favorite story?
BILL COSBY
(Singing “Taps”) Ta-ta-taaa, ta-ta-taaa…
ERIN
Okay, here’s Chico’s favorite story. Ahem!
GROUCHO
Clear your throat. Don’t cut it, just clear it.
ERIN
This old prospector has been out in the woods for a year, and he hasn’t seen a woman during this whole time. He’s absolutely desperate and just plain horny. All of a sudden this one nice spring day he comes into a clearing and there’s a log cabin. At just the right height there’s a knothole. He can’t believe it. He tears over there, he rips off his clothes, and he starts goin’ to it! Suddenly the door of the cabin opens, and a man comes out. He taps the prospector on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, sir. Would you mind coming in and doing it from the inside out? The family’s at dinner.”
BILL COSBY
Ain’t that awful?
GROUCHO
You’re a nice guy. A little dark, but a nice guy. Do you want some pumpernickel?
BILL COSBY
You know, I have trouble with pumpernickel bread.
GROUCHO
How come?
BILL COSBY
If the restaurant’s very dark, sometimes I butter my hand.
ERIN
Did you know I’ve been starring in a play down at the Music Center?
GROUCHO
Why wasn’t I told about this?
ERIN
I had quite a part. I took off my blouse and showed my bare boobs!
GROUCHO
That’s why you didn’t tell me.
BILL COSBY
I heard Groucho bought up all the tickets for every night. And he wouldn’t let anybody go see ’em.
GROUCHO
One of ’em almost snapped out last night at the Academy Awards.
BILL COSBY
What, one of her boobs?
GROUCHO
She had a very low-cut dress, almost a gownless evening strap…
ERIN
I was supposed to pick up some double-stick tape to put on the inside of my dress, and I forgot. What a night! Our car broke down on the way to the Academy Awards, so we flagged down an old crummy car. We didn’t care what the car was but it was dirty, and I got dirt on the back of my dress.
BILL COSBY
Oh, shucks!
ERIN
So the wardrobe lady was rushing around trying to get something, even though I wasn’t going on or anything. So, I’m looking off toward Groucho, and the next thing you know…
BILL COSBY
One of ’em came out?
ERIN
Yes! And Burt Reynolds came over and said, “Nice going!”
BILL COSBY
It’s a wonder he didn’t do that “Lady, you lost your baby” joke. You remember that joke? About the lady whose breast popped out, and she’s sitting there when this drunk comes along and says, “Miss, I don’t want to be rude or anything, but you lost your baby.” You don’t get it?
GROUCHO
I don’t want it.
BILL COSBY
What was it that guy said last night on television? That “small” joke? There’s this emcee on television who reminds me so much of you, Grouch, and he’s talking to a guy named Cushion. The emcee asks, “What do your friends call you?” And the guy says, “Pin.” The audience laughs, and the guy continues, “Since my name is Cushion, my friends call me Pin Cushion.” So the emcee says, “That was the smallest joke I’ve ever heard.” Then the guy told another one, and the emcee says, “I beg your pardon. That was the smallest joke I’ve ever heard!” You ought to watch that show sometime. That guy reminds me of you. It’s called The Best of Groucho. And they have this emcee who really looks like you, but he’s not so smooth, you know. He keeps being funny, but he’s not as debonair as you are.
GROUCHO
You say that awfully well. You’re so sweet.
ERIN
Are you ready for your pie, Groucho, because we’ve got to hurry now.
BILL COSBY
Why don’t you just mash it against your chest? This sounds like a rush job. In some restaurants, you know, if you don’t eat all your food, they mash it on your clothes. Then you can go to wherever you’re going with your meal. Just put your salad in your hip pocket and your steak in your back pocket. Then put your toast in your wallet and mash your pie on your shoulders, and say, “That was a wonderful meal we had! And we made it out on time!”
ERIN
We’ve only got six minutes, Groucho, and you’re only on your salad.
BILL COSBY
Now, here’s a lady here, our authoress, Charlotte. If she didn’t want her food, all she’d have to say is, “I don’t want it.” Why mush it up and make it look like you ate some of it?
GROUCHO
Yeah, now I’m going to tell you a story about two old Jews.
BILL COSBY
We’re getting the bum’s rush, you know it? What I suggest is that we don’t leave a tip.
GROUCHO
Then I’ll leave the tip. I take it you don’t want to hear my story about two old Jews?
BILL COSBY
Yeah.
GROUCHO
Well, they’re in Israel, in adjoining urinals, and the one looks over to the other one and says, “Are you a Jew?” The other man answers. “Yes, of course I’m a Jew.” “Well, then how is it that you’re not circumcized?” And he says, “I’m not sure I’m going to stay.” (Laughter)
BILL COSBY
They’ll laugh at anything.
GROUCHO
That’s fairly evident.
BILL COSBY
Yes, it is. They laughed at “Pin Cushion” last night. (Martha re-enters with a coffeepot)
MARTHA
More coffee? (She starts to pour, but the pot is empty)
BILL COSBY
No, thank you, because we have to go and I’m afraid mine’ll be poured down my sweater. “Wait,” she says, “how’d you like more coffee?” And there isn’t any. Now, what kind of a household are we running? Why go around trying to show off? (Martha exits)
GROUCHO
We have to cut down on some things.
BILL COSBY
But she was trying to show off. It’s like the cooks in the back are saying, “Oh, I hope nobody wants any more coffee, but we’ll go out and ask them anyway.” So they come out and say, “Who’ll have more coffee?” And I say, “I will.” Then they pour it out, but there’s no coffee. It’s embarrassing.
GROUCHO
It sure is.
BILL COSBY
Would you like some man
gled pie? By our authoress? You know I talk to her on the telephone. She told me I have a sexy voice.
GROUCHO
You do, but not on the telephone. Only in the sack.
BILL COSBY
Oh! My mother’s very upset. I told her what you said, about not wanting to meet her.
GROUCHO
You don’t blame me, do you?
BILL COSBY
No, I don’t. I told him my mother was 48-48-48, and you know what he said? “Oh.” And I said, “She’d like to meet you.” And he said, “Oh.” And I said, “Well?” And he said, “Oh.” Then he said, “You know, I’m very sick.” So I said, “When did you become sick?” And he said, “On the third 48.”
ERIN
We’ve got to leave right now if we’re going to get to the theatre on time.
BILL COSBY
I think we’re being put out of this joint. Copy down the address so we don’t come here anymore.
ERIN
Groucho’s got to brush his teeth yet.
BILL COSBY
He does? Well, take him out and let the maid work on him. Let her brush them for you with some Bab-O. We can still eat the pie.
GROUCHO
Eight girls invited me to a party the other night, and I was the only man. She (Indicating me) was there too.
BILL COSBY
Charlotte’s real quiet, and she blinks a lot. I love it.
I
I didn’t realize it.
BILL COSBY
But you have to be careful. When you blink a lot, people think you’re taking their picture.
ERIN
Okay, are you ready to brush your teeth?
GROUCHO
Yes, babe.
BILL COSBY
Weeelll, now! Sounds like perky uptown.
GROUCHO
You don’t mind if I take this small piece of pie with me?
BILL COSBY
It’s so seldom he gets a good meal like this—only when company shows. I’ve heard about you.
GROUCHO
No, we have a good meal every night. We have a good cook.
BILL COSBY
I heard you were told to say that. I’ve come to rescue you. We’re getting you out of here. We heard they keep you in that room with your fly down and your belt open and cue cards that say “Get it up!”
GROUCHO
With my fly open? (Singing) “With my fly wide open, I’m dreaming…” Did you ever hear that one?
BILL COSBY
Now I’ve heard it.
GROUCHO
Those weren’t the precise lyrics.
BILL COSBY
Well, you cheat sometimes.
ERIN
Let’s go.
GROUCHO
I’m not going anyplace until I brush my teeth.
BILL COSBY
That’s right!
GROUCHO
What time is this turkey going to start?
Hello, I Must be Going Page 55
