‘Don’t worry, love, I won’t leave you.’ Even his husky voice soft against her ear was a caress that left her body vibrating with wanting him. ‘Pull the top down, I want to see you.’
Immediately, she raised her hands to the ties of her nightdress, unwilling to even consider denying his request. She wanted it as much as he did. But she wasn’t prepared for the rush of pleasure that washed over her when she revealed her breasts to him and he groaned in gratification. Just like that she remembered how pleasing him had brought her so much pleasure in return. ‘So beautiful.’ His thumb brushed over the sensitive tip, making her arch into his touch. ‘You don’t know how much I’ve dreamed of this moment, watching you writhe beneath my touch.’
She gasped, but mainly from the unexpected thrill that shot through her middle and centred at the throbbing apex of her thighs. As if his words carried their own magic, she found herself moving her hips to make his fingers move against her. She met his gaze, the hot amber scorching in its intensity, before he looked back down to see what his hands had revealed. The humour, the teasing, even some of the fierceness drained from his face. All that was left was the naked longing and it touched her more than any of his words could have.
She couldn’t look away when he touched her, only this time it was his thumb that circled her swollen arousal. He looked back at her, as if more interested in watching the ecstasy on her face than whatever his fingers were doing. It was too much, too intimate, made even more so by the abject awe on his face when his forefinger sought her opening and pushed into her. But he didn’t flash her a triumphant smile, as she had feared he might. His expression didn’t change at all as he worked it in and out of her and then pushed a second broad finger inside, holding still as he waited for her body to adjust to the invasion. Her hips were restless, asking for more, before he relented and began an easy, steady rhythm within her, his thumb continuing its skilful stroking of her.
When the fingers of his left hand deftly began plucking her nipple, she cried out and finally broke eye contact when she closed her eyes and moved with his rhythm. He didn’t allow her to savour it, though. His mouth covered hers, his tongue seeking hers out as if he wanted to possess every inch of her body with his. It was too much and not enough at the same time. Needing something to hold on to, something to ground her, she reached up and tangled her fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. Her other hand flailed until it met the wood of his splint, which brought her back to reality, but only briefly before his fingers made her only aware of him inside her and her entire world narrowed to that, to him. She moved her hand to find purchase on the seat of the chair between his legs, but her palm found something else, something strong and hard pushing into the base of her back.
Gunnar fairly groaned as she pressed against him, squeezing to test the contact. His reaction caused a brief mew of pleasure to escape her before she clenched her bottom lip between her teeth to stifle it.
‘Nay, this is about your pleasure, not mine.’ His voice made her open her eyes to look at him.
‘Perhaps it still is.’ She smiled.
* * *
He grinned at her and thrust his fingers again, harder. Overwhelmed by a wave of possessiveness, Gunnar looked down at her body, beautiful and open for him. But it wasn’t enough. Releasing her breast, he grabbed the cloth of her nightdress and held it up so that when he looked down he could see her better. Using his thumbs, he parted her again, revealing how swollen she was for him as he watched his fingers disappear into her silken channel. The knowledge that he was making her lose her carefully orchestrated control made him harden painfully in his trousers, but he ignored it. This would be about her pleasure, not his. He wouldn’t take anything else from her, though he’d wring out every bit of pleasure from her that he could. Even when her greedy hand squeezed him, he forced back the rush of pleasure that moved up his belly.
His thumb circled the swollen bud, making her hips move with him, ride his fingers. She gasped softly, a precious sound that he wanted to hear again and again. So he did it again, only this time he kissed her shoulder, raking his teeth across the delicate flesh. She was exquisite. Perfect. Her hips bucked up, wanting more, so he gave it to her and drove deep within her. This time she couldn’t stifle her cry of pleasure and the knowledge that he’d elicited it thrilled him.
His name whimpered past her lips and he longed to hear her scream it out with his manhood inside her, but that would have to wait. Curling his fingers upward, he stroked her as a faceless woman had taught him once long ago. The memory caused a pang of guilt to shoot through him at all the women he’d had that hadn’t been her.
‘Gunnar,’ she called again, wiping all thoughts but of her from his mind. There was only Kadlin writhing beneath his touch, moaning his name as he stroked her. What he wouldn’t give to taste her, to have her come apart as his tongue stroked her, but it would be too much. For now. For now there was just her and her pleasure. He’d make her remember how much she wanted him and make her crave him again.
‘Come apart for me, love,’ he whispered into her ear. ‘Let go.’
She responded almost instantly, gasping as he pinched her nipple and plucked, while his fingers continued their assault within her. Then she was lost and her body clenched him hard as it trembled around him, but he kept stroking her until her body relaxed into him, her fingers limp and her breath coming in long, shuddering breaths. He kissed her then, trailing his lips from her ear and down her neck to her shoulder. She kept her eyes closed, but snuggled into him, sated and sleepy from her release. Pulling his fingers from her body, he shifted so that he could hold her close to him. He’d set out to prove something to her, to prove that she couldn’t run or hide from what was between them. He’d never thought that in doing so, he’d realise just how much he needed her and just how afraid he was that she’d never realise how much she needed him. Tucking her head beneath his chin, he buried his face in her hair and took a deep breath. Losing her wasn’t an option he could live with, but even knowing that, he knew there wasn’t a future for them. There was only now and the pleasure he could give her.
Chapter Fifteen
‘Kadlin.’
Her eyelids fluttered when he repeated her name, but she refused to open her eyes. Gunnar tightened his arm around her and stroked his thumb across her cheekbone. She smiled at the pleasant tingle of sensation on her skin, but didn’t stir otherwise. ‘You can’t be sleeping,’ he murmured and brushed his lips across her temple. The soft and gentle touch made her shiver, her belly warming from the implications even as her mind was wakening from its pleasure-induced lethargy. Even the raspy cadence of his voice caused frissons of awareness to move through her, making her crave more than he had just given her.
‘Nay, not sleeping. Simply prolonging the inevitable.’ Her hand snaked up to curve around his shoulder and she buried her face in his neck, breathing in the spice of his scent, a scent she’d know anywhere. He was so warm, so real, and in this moment...hers. It wouldn’t last, but she didn’t want to think of that now.
He sucked in a deep breath and froze. Whether it was from her words or her touch, she didn’t know. She only knew that she wanted to savour these final few moments in his arms without any thoughts or any words to distract her from how good it was to have his arms around her. The solid breadth of him against her, the heat of his body, the knowledgeable stroke of his fingers, all of it had been so much more than she had remembered. She only wanted to enjoy the last stolen moments with him before reality intruded and she had to think of all the reasons this was so wrong.
He slowly pushed out his breath and tension took its place, keeping the corded muscles of his neck and shoulders rigid beneath her fingers. ‘What is the inevitable?’
The respite was over.
Sighing, she allowed her hand to slip down to her lap, and she blinked up at the concern on his face. A weight seeped into
her chest bringing with it an end to the delicious euphoria that had left her languishing in the pleasure he’d brought her. ‘The inevitable is the argument we’re about to have. The one where I accuse you of using my girlish fantasies of you against me.’
He winced, closing his eyes briefly to process the accusation, but when he opened them they blazed hot and without a bit of remorse. ‘No arguments here, love. Except for the girlish part. You’re all woman. Those fantasies aren’t girlish.’
Her mouth actually dropped open at his audacity, but she recovered quickly enough and straightened in his lap. ‘You have no shame, but perhaps that’s what I should expect from you.’
‘There’s no room for shame between us. Don’t try to pretend there is.’ He grinned and brought a hand up to absently brush an exposed nipple with the backs of his fingers.
The shock of delicious arousal that moved from her nipple to her belly and then farther down shouldn’t have caught her by surprise. He’d caused that same reaction more than once with just a hot look across his father’s crowded hall and the way she’d just come apart in his arms had proved that his touch was as potent as it had ever been. She’d thought—hoped—that with her need for him so recently met, that she’d be stronger. Grabbing his wrist with both of her hands, she forced his hand to his lap between them and held it there. It left her breasts exposed, but at least he wasn’t touching her, making her ache again. ‘Don’t touch me.’
That was enough to wipe the maddening smile from his face. ‘You think I had ulterior motives for this, for touching you?’
‘Of course I do. You have ulterior motives for everything. Didn’t you want to touch me to prove that I still want you? Didn’t you want to prove to me that I can’t escape that fact no matter what I do? I came apart just as you wanted, stripped of everything. But I already knew that I would, so you didn’t accomplish anything. Except now I know you’ll stoop to using this...this thing between us as a weapon.’
‘Oh, Kadlin.’ He dropped his forehead so that it rested against hers, but she didn’t want to pretend that what had happened was anything more than it actually was. When she pulled back, he shook free of her hold and brought his hand to rest on her chest. As if on cue, her heartbeat increased to a pounding thunder. ‘Aye, I wanted to prove to you that what you appear so content to deny is true. Whatever this is between us will never die.’
‘Then you’ve succeeded. Congratulations.’
He continued as if she hadn’t interrupted. ‘You want me now as much as you ever have. I want you.’
Pushing free and dislodging his hand, she grabbed the ties of her nightdress to begin righting herself, covering her breasts. While he allowed that, he refused to relinquish his hold on her waist so she still sat perched on his right thigh. ‘This wanting, Gunnar... It’s only lust. It only means that you still have this hold over my body. Nothing more.’
‘Is that all you think this is?’ He laughed, a soft exhalation of breath that rustled the hair at her temples. His lips brushed her skin as he spoke. ‘It’s so much more. I can’t remember a time when you weren’t a part of my life. One of my earliest memories is looking down on you in your mother’s arms and thinking you were the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. Your hair was just curly wisps of nothing then, but your eyes were the same deep, clear blue that stare back at me now. Even then, I’d known that my purpose in life was to keep you safe and happy. It’s all I ever wanted.’
The sudden lump that swelled and ached in her throat caught her unprepared. She wanted so much for those words to be true, but they weren’t. He’d proven to her time and again how untrue they actually were by hurting her. How did hurting her keep her happy? Covering his lips with her fingers to stop anything else he might be thinking of saying, she shook her head. ‘Don’t lie to me. Please not now. I still want you. I’ve said it. Don’t make this into something else, something more because we both know that it’s not.’
His eyes flashed with wickedness just moments before he grabbed both of her wrists and pressed them to the small of her back, making her arch into his chest. ‘It already is something else. I don’t have to make it into anything. Don’t you understand that the hold I have over you is the same one you wield over me? Don’t you understand that for my entire life there’s only ever been you there with me every night when I close my eyes?
‘Aye, the night you gave yourself to me was the best night of my life, but it’s more. It’s your voice I heard calling to me those days when my father raged so loudly I thought the world would end, it’s your arms I felt after every raid when the rush of combat would die out and I’d fall hard—’
‘Stop, Gunnar! Just stop.’ Anger flared inside her that he would dare to use lies against her when he had shown her that none of it was true. The fact that he was looking at her without meeting her anger only made hers flare higher. It was as if he was humouring her anger and she wouldn’t let him do that to her, make her into some object to be used for his amusement. ‘I don’t believe any of it. If you so wanted to keep me happy, then why have you only ever hurt me? I loved those nights when we were children and you’d come to my chamber, but you took them away. You simply stopped as if I meant nothing to you. And then you made it hurt more by ignoring me. I’d see you when we’d travel to your father’s hall and you wouldn’t even see me, or you’d look through me as if I didn’t matter. Or worse. When we were older I’d see you with another woman, touching her, leading her back to your chamber. Sometimes I’d catch you watching me, but when I approached you’d barely say a word. You shut me out so completely and I could never do that to you.’
He dropped his forehead to hers again and this time she didn’t pull away. Just closed her eyes as she absorbed his nearness, his attention. When he spoke, his warm breath caressed her face. ‘Ah...you don’t understand. Keeping you safe was even more important than keeping you happy. Do you remember that day when we were children, when Eirik and I were attacked?’
She nodded and his lips brushed against her cheek. She couldn’t forget that day, even though she hadn’t been there. The boys had been eleven or twelve years old, while she was two years younger. Criminals angry with Jarl Hegard had abducted Gunnar and Eirik, and while Gunnar had managed to escape to get help, Eirik had been brutalised until his father and his father’s men had come to save him.
‘I failed Eirik that day. And I knew that I’d fail you, too, eventually.’
‘Nay, that wasn’t your fault.’
‘Shh...’ He transferred her wrists to one hand, keeping a firm hold on them so he could put a finger over her lips. ‘It doesn’t matter. But there’s more. It wasn’t long after that your father found me leaving your chamber one morning and told me not to come back. He knew I didn’t deserve you.’
This was the first she had heard of such a meeting and her instinct was to accuse Gunnar of lying, but she held her tongue. It wasn’t an impossibility; besides, Gunnar’s finger still pressed gently against her lips.
‘He was right to demand it. By then we’d already shared many kisses. Do you remember?’ At her nod, he dropped his hand and pressed his lips to the corner of her mouth. ‘Do you remember how long we would lie there in your bed kissing? How soon before I kissed you somewhere else?’
Her face heated as she remembered those nights near the end. She’d been too young to understand the reason his lips stroking hers had caused those strange tremblings in her belly and limbs. She’d only understood that she liked it and liked it even more when he’d lie on top of her; his weight pressing her down into her blankets.
‘If I had kept coming to you, it would have been only a matter of time before I parted your legs and buried myself between them.’
‘You could have told me.’
‘Aye, I could have and perhaps I should have. But you were so perfect. You are so perfect. I’m not. I didn’t want to wait around and see the ligh
t that lit your eyes when you saw me die out.’
‘That doesn’t make any sense.’ She shook her head to deny his reasoning, but the stricken look on his face stopped her.
‘Of course it doesn’t to you. Everyone loved you. And I don’t begrudge you that. I loved you. But...’ His voice trailed off, as if he couldn’t say the words.
So she said them for him. ‘But everyone who was supposed to love you...didn’t? Your mother abandoned you to marry and have another family without you and your despicable father couldn’t bring himself to see past Eirik.’ He didn’t agree, but he didn’t argue, either. ‘But I did, Gunnar. I did. Why did you have such little faith in me?’
‘Because I didn’t know how to have faith in you.’
It was an absurdly simple answer, but she believed him. ‘And now? Do you know how to now?’
* * *
Gunnar stared at the face that would always haunt him. Her clear blue eyes stared up into his with an intensity that pierced his heart. She was so perfect it made him ache. Beautiful, kind, strong... She was all of those things. Everything that he was not. She was too perfect for him. All her life she’d only known love and acceptance. Though she could say the words, she couldn’t understand how it felt to have those she loved desert her. But almost immediately, he realised that wasn’t true. She had loved him and he had abandoned her. He was the one who had made sure she understood how abandonment felt. The realisation was like a knife twisting in his gut.
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