by S. E. Lund
"Okay," he says and waves me on. "I'll be a grownup if I have to. You go ahead. I'll come down in a moment."
I nod and take the stairs back to the living room where Marina is standing with both John and Cindy.
"There you are," Marina says, and glances at John and Cindy. "We thought you'd left."
"Why would you think that?"
"You've been upstairs," she says and raises her eyebrows, "for about fifteen minutes. What were you doing up there?"
Jon comes down the stairs and then Marina sees him. He stops in the middle of the staircase when he sees the four of us standing together. I can sense the hesitancy in him. He doesn't want to have to face this, but he visibly steels himself and comes over, a smile pasted on his face.
"There you are," he says and puts his hand on Cindy's arm. "Care to have a little chat?"
She looks at Marina and then at me and John. Marina pushes her. "Go." Marina smiles widely and then looks back at me. "I'll leave you two alone."
She scoots off, smiling like she's happy with her accomplishments. Little does she know…
"I'm sorry," I say when I turn to John. He bends down, smiling at me, his dark eyes amused. "I didn’t mean to abandon you for so long."
"No harm done. Cindy and I had a nice chat. In fact, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. She and I have decided to leave together. She's telling Jon right now, actually."
My mouth is wide open at that.
What?
"Oh," I say, struggling for the right words. "That's great. Can I ask why?"
He smiles. "We actually met before you arrived and got to talking. We… well, we have a lot in common and since things didn’t seem like they were working out with either of you, we decided to leave and go get some coffee."
"Really?" I glance over at Jon, who appears amused by whatever it is that Cindy is telling him. He rubs his jaw. Then he glances over at me, a half-grin on his lips.
I turn back to John who adjusts his tie. "I hope you don't mind."
"No," I reply, completely flummoxed but relieved as well. "No, I think it's great that you two met and hit it off, considering that things didn’t work out for us. All's well that ends well, right?"
"My thoughts exactly. So, if you don't mind, Cindy and I are leaving."
"Nice to meet you, anyway," I say with a laugh. "Have a nice evening."
He smiles and turns away. I can feel his relief at leaving me and going to retrieve Cindy from Jon.
Marina comes right over, her expression concerned. "What's going on? Where's John going?"
I turn and watch as Jon and John shake hands like a couple of gentlemen.
"I guess John and Cindy matched themselves together. You really need to work on your app…"
"You're kidding," Marina says, her mouth wide open. "What on Earth? They weren’t a match at all." She turns to me, taking hold of my arm. "I'm so sorry, sug. You must be crushed."
"Oh, I'm terribly crushed," I say, barely able to hold back a grin.
"You're joking?"
I laugh out loud at that. "John's handsome, but he didn’t do it for me. I'm actually going to go now. Maybe I'll stop by the hospital and see my mom before she goes to bed."
"Oh, sure, I understand," she says and gives me a quick hug. "Give her my love, okay?"
"I will." I hug her back and then pull away.
"You sure you're okay about this?" she asks, squinting at me. "Not too depressed about it not working out with John? He was a really good match for you."
I shake my head, my relief that I wasn't the cause of the problem making me almost giddy.
"Not at all,'" I say with a laugh. "It is what it is. I'm just sorry that MATCHED seems to have such a bad track record. Aren’t you worried?"
"Nah," she says and waves her hand dismissively. "It's fine. Not every match is going to work out."
"It's zero for three for me and zero for two for Jon."
She shrugs like it's nothing. If I were her, I'd be going back to the old drawing board to fix it, but she seems oblivious. "It's a sample of two. That’s not nearly enough to learn anything statistically valid."
"If you say so." I smile and point to the door. "I'm going. I guess I'll ask Jon if he can give me a ride to the hospital."
"Okay, sug. You let me know how your mom is."
She waves at me and turns to the living room. I turn and walk over to where Jon stands with his hands in his pockets, a smile on his face.
"You ready to go?"
I nod and walk to the door. Jon follows. I turn when I get to it. "Can you drive me to the hospital? I want to visit my mom."
He frowns. "I thought you were coming home with me."
"I will," I say softly, "but I want to stop in and see my mom first."
"You want me to come in with you? I won’t intrude."
"No, it's fine. I can get an Uber to your place after. You go home."
"India…" He glares at me. "You're not trying to escape me, are you?"
I shake my head. "Of course not," I say.
"You're changing your mind," Jon says. "I can see it in your face." He glances away, his hands on his hips and I can see a muscle tense in his jaw. He looks down at the floor.
"Okay, whatever, India. You go to see your mom. I'll drop you off. I'll go to my place and if you show up, great. If not, well, I guess I'll just deal."
"Jon, don't be like that. I just want to see my mom…"
He looks at me without speaking and then turns to the door, opening it and walking out ahead of me. I can tell he's angry.
We get to his SUV and he holds the door open for me. I get inside and try to catch his eye, but he won't look at me.
We drive in silence, and there's an awful iciness that fills the space between us. I want to reach out to him, but at the same time, I want him to agree to be exclusive, and all that it entails.
He drops me off and I go inside the hospital to see my mom, walking through the maze of hallways and then taking the elevator to get to her room. They've taken her off the ICU unit and put her on the neurology ward, so instead of the bustle of the ICU, she's in a much quieter ward. At that time of night, there are only a few visitors, mostly family. I slip into her room after checking in at the nursing station.
She's alone and sleeping, her head turned to the window, which overlooks another wing of the hospital, rows and rows of windows. I feel so bad for her, being alone, and all at once I get this feeling that I've been spending far too much time working and far too little time living.
"Mom?" I say quietly, taking her hand and squeezing it. I don't want her to stay asleep because I want her to know I was here.
She turns her head and blinks, then she finally sees me and smiles. "Sweetie," she whispers. "You're here."
"I am," I say and lean down to kiss her cheek.
"It's Saturday night. Aren't you supposed to be at a party meeting a date?"
I smile and can't help but feel tears in my eyes because she remembers. I've been so afraid that she'd never recover her mind or memory but she seems totally fine.
"It was a bust," I say, pulling up a chair and sitting beside her.
"Another flop?"
"Yes," I say and sigh dramatically. "I guess I'm destined to be an old maid."
"Ha!" She belly-laughs, and I laugh with her. "You're a beauty. If you’d just slow down for a minute or two, one of the men chasing you will catch you."
"Oh, mom, that's such 1970s thinking. Today, both men and women chase each other. Didn't you know?"
She smiles and her eyes close. "I know. I was just kidding. What about Jon? Are you two ever going to just admit what you feel for each other and get together?"
I frown, shocked that she'd say that. "What do you mean?"
She cracks one eye open. "You know exactly what I mean. That boy is in love with you. You're in love with him. The two of you are just stubborn."
I don’t say anything for a moment.
"I'm surprised you've been thin
king that. You’ve never said anything."
"I tried but you never wanted to hear it," she says simply. "Plus, sometimes we can only learn something the hard way, and we only hear when we're ready to hear."
"Jon wants us to get together for real, but I'm afraid he can't make a commitment."
"Then don't be with him. Find someone else. Tell him that."
"I want him, but not the way he wants us to be."
"Tell him," she says, squeezing my hand. "Give him the alternative. He has you or someone else does. You want someone exclusive. If he can't give that, move on."
"I don't want things to go sour with us. We've already been… intimate."
"Oh," she says and glances away. "That complicates things." After a moment, she looks back at me. "What do you want? What do you really want?"
"I want him to be exclusive. He wants us to just live for the moment together and see where things go."
"No commitment, in other words."
"Nope," I say. "That's what's holding me back. We know each other better than anyone else, so I don't think we need to wait and see."
"There you have it. Tell him that. If he wants you, he'll be willing to make the commitment."
"If he says no, I feel like I'll have to leave Pacifica."
"Why?" she says, frowning. "You built that company just as much as he has. You should just buckle down and work hard, be friendly but not expect anything if he won't be exclusive."
I frown and don't know what to say.
"I'm afraid if I make a decision, it'll be the wrong one. If I just let things go on as they are, at least Jon and I are still friends and we still have Pacifica…"
"You have to decide what you want more – Pacifica or Jon."
"Both."
She shakes her head. "Sometimes, you have to choose. You can try it Jon's way and see how things go, or you can force the issue and see if he decides you're important enough to give exclusivity a try.”
"That's it, isn't it? I have to bend or Jon does."
"Life is a big compromise. You have to decide what battles you want to fight and on which hill you want to die."
I make a face of mock surprise. "Mom, that's such a militant thing to say. Battles, fight, dying…"
"Love and war," she says and her voice is now tired. "The two go together. It's always a power struggle when two people get together at some level. You have to decide to stay and fight, or give up and leave."
We sit for a moment while this sinks into my brain. She smiles at me. "Tell me about your date. Why didn’t he work out?"
"He was everything I should like – tall, dark, and handsome, smart, successful. Attentive. But Jon is…"
"You’re in love with Jon, India. Give it a try. See what happens. The worst is a broken heart and leaving Pacifica with your shares and a lot of experience under your belt. You'll be a success no matter what you try next and eventually, you'll find a man who's right for you."
We talk for a few more minutes about her health and how my father is handling being on his own. Then, I stand and lean over, kissing her forehead.
"I'll go and let you sleep," I say softly. "You look tired."
"Thanks for coming."
Then I leave, with a promise to come by tomorrow, and make my way out of the hospital, intending to call an Uber to get me home. There, waiting by the curb, is Jon.
I go to the car and open the passenger door.
"You waited," I say when I get inside.
"I'm not a fool," he says and waits until I get my seatbelt fastened. "I knew you might get cold feet and go home instead of coming to my place."
"Jon," I say, frustrated that he's right. "You should give me the space to make my own decisions."
"I want you in my bed."
We drive off and he says nothing else.
I watch the roads, wondering whether he's taking me to his place or mine. I finally see familiar scenery and I realize he's dropping me off at my place.
We pull up to my house overlooking the ocean and he stops, not looking at me. It's my move. If I get out, he'll drive off without saying anything and we'll be where we were before any of this happened, except we'll have the sex between us. Maybe we can get back to that place when things were good.
I think I'd rather be there than where we are now.
I open the door. He doesn't say anything and neither do I.
He drives off and I watch him leave, my heart racing.
We're both so damn stubborn.
I key in the numbers to my keypad door lock and miss the first time, cursing my fingers, which are shaking. I finally get it right after a second try and go inside the cool dark interior. The only light comes from over the stove and so I go into my living room and plop down on my sofa. Outside my window is the view of the San Francisco Bay. I can see lights from a ship out in the harbor and it makes me so sad to be alone, looking at that beautiful view.
I don't want to be alone.
In truth, I want Jon with me. But if he can't at least say he wants to be exclusive and won't pick up some woman he meets while he's away on a trip or when he's out and I'm not with him, I can't be with him.
That's my bottom line.
My pride intact, I turn on the flat screen and lie on the sofa but my eyes are filled with tears and the screen is too blurry to watch.
Chapter 14
JON
I drive like a maniac down the road from India's place by the Bay. If she could only just relax and let things happen between us, exploring what we can be together rather than trying to force a shape on our relationship, we'd be in bed right now, fucking our brains out.
I only want India. I don’t want any other woman. I won't be with any other woman. I want India and only India.
Why isn't that good enough for her?
She wants me to say the words – Yes, I'll be exclusive with you – like it's a clause in a contract.
I don't want any other women. I won't be with any other women. I want her and only her.
What's the difference?
I pull over and take out my cell.
JON: I only want you. I don't want any other women. I won't be with any other women. When that's good enough for you, I'll be waiting.
Then, I turn off my cell and put it away. I'm not going to check it obsessively and see what she's written in response. If my statement isn't good enough, it isn't good enough, but that's how I feel.
The ball is in her court now.
I turn up the volume on a satellite radio station. It's one of India's favorite stations, Seventies Gold, and the song playing is “Baby Come Back,” by Player.
Damn.
I turn to another station, Classic Rock. “I'm Not In Love” by 10cc.
Jesus.
I turn to a metal channel. Metallica, “Nothing Else Matters.”
FUCK!
I turn off the radio completely and drive to my place in silence.
I prowl my apartment, stalking it like a lion in a cage, wanting to escape and run free.
So, I go for a run, the way I do whenever I feel too much mental energy and need to sleep. After slipping on my shorts and sweatshirt and my runners, I take off along the streets bordering the waterfront. The night is pleasant, so I run without any effort. After about twenty minutes, I sit along a pier and watch the ships. I watch the sky, and see several planes flying high, bound for the Pacific Rim. I listen to the waves lapping along the base of the pier.
I want India.
Everything was going along so fine between us.
What the fuck happened?
I get back up and run home. I'll take a shower after I've sat in front of the television and cooled off.
Dammit.
I should be with her now.
She's so damn afraid that I'll break her heart – she'd rather be alone than take a chance.
I get up and have a shower, scrubbing myself hard with a rough loofah, determined not to give in to my usual carnal needs in the shower because I kno
w it would be to fantasies of India in the shower with me – on her knees, sucking my cock, or me pounding her while she leans against the shower wall, her arms around my neck, her thighs thrown around my waist, my cock buried deep inside of her.
I won't give in.
Instead, I scrub my skin almost raw and then get out of the shower, wrap my towel around my waist, and brush my teeth like I mean it – too hard probably, but I'm angry and frustrated.
Angry feels better than sad.
Then, the buzzer announces someone at the front entrance.
I leave the bathroom and check the video feed.
India…
I buzz her in and open the door, standing in the hallway, still dripping wet with only a towel around my waist.
I push my hair out of my eyes and watch as she comes up the stairs.
She doesn't say anything but I feel her eyes move over my body, from my feet to my groin, briefly, then to my face.
I expect her to stop and be hesitant. For all I know, she was coming by to talk, but instead, she comes right up to me and puts her hand behind my head, pulling me down for a kiss.
That does it.
I kiss her back, pulling her against my body, and I know she's made her decision.
She's decided to be with me and see what happens rather than making me say the words.
In a sense, I've won, but she's won as well, because obviously, this is what she really wants.
She wants us together.
Period.
I don't waste any time and I don't hesitate. I pull her into my apartment and we're already taking off her clothes even before I get the door shut. I pull her dress off over her head, and see that she's done what I said – she went and bought one of those front-closure bras so I can more easily remove it, and I do. I figure out how it works on the fly and unlatch it so her glorious breasts – breasts I've fantasized over like a teenage boy – break free. While I imagined her on her knees before me, now I pull her over to the sofa and sit on the arm, pressing my face between her breasts like I can't get enough of them.
And I can't. I nuzzle them and squeeze them and nip at both nipples, one after the other, before taking one into my mouth and sucking until it hardens into a tight bud against my tongue. I move to the other and do the same, sucking and licking her breasts and nipples until she writhes against me, moaning.
