Chapter 3
I walked down a dark shady path full of gravel and weeds. I could only see my way from the spots of sunlight that shone down through the thick layer of tree leaves above me. I didn’t know where I was heading. I just walked into the shadiness. As I took another step, I found myself falling. My heart rushed above my head as my eyes grew wide. I couldn’t see anything. Suddenly I hit the water in a loud splashing crash.
I felt the swishing of water as the waves pushed and pulled my body around. The sound was a mixture of crashing and gurgling that loudly invaded my ears. I hardly saw anything. Every time my head bobbed above the water, it was only for a second and then it was back under into the murkiness of the dark blue ocean. I felt lost in it, in the deep blue. I was so busy trying to gasp for air every time I came up that I could think of nothing else. But I felt everything, every sensation.
The water was cold like knives shoving themselves into every inch of my body. I felt my arms thrashing around as I tried to stay above the water. My legs were kicking about. But even though I felt their pain, it was as if they were detached from my body and they had a mind of their own. They were in survival mode and there was nothing I could think to calm them down. They were fighting for my life.
My mouth tasted the salt water as it seeped in and swooshed against my teeth and tongue. I felt my eyes stinging with the ocean against them. I was the sort of person that never opened her eyes under water and here I was trying to keep them open in a panic to survive.
My heart pounded fast and loud. I heard it echo throughout my whole body, making me shudder and want to cry with each beat. I knew my heart was desperate to keep going despite the lack of air. It was fighting hard. My lungs were choking on water and every chance I got I coughed up water and tried to suck in air from the cold windy surface. But it wasn’t enough and after a few moments, my mind was starting to feel it. I felt hazy, dizzy, and my mind was drowning faster than I was.
Soon my legs and arms stopped. I didn’t tell them to. I had no control over them anymore. They were gone, calm, floating in the water like dead weight. That was what my entire body had become as I started to descend. There was no breath left in me to keep fighting. My body was giving up on me and as I sank into the blueness, my eyes stared out at the rays of light that cut through the darkness of the water. There was something tranquil about staring at the light. Soon it was all I saw. Everything was a flash of white and then darkness. It all went black and I started to panic. I was dying. I was dead. There was nothing left.
I gasped as the choking sensation took over me. I could breathe again. My eyes opened and I saw the shadows surrounding my dark bedroom. I looked to my right and saw the moon shining through the slightly opened curtains. I wasn’t dead. It was a dream. A nightmare filled with both terror and a feeling of utter calm in the middle. That night, I honestly thought I was in the water drowning. It was just as realistic as when I was a child. The setting was different. But I was drowning.
Suddenly tears came over me and rushed down my face, the little droplets falling onto my hands. I didn’t wipe them away. I just let them fall. It wasn’t an uncommon nightmare. It wasn’t the only time I thought I had really died in my dreams. It was a long time, maybe years, since I’d had those dreams. It brought back all the memories. They rushed through my mind like a train that felt like it was about to crash into something, into the walls of my mind.
The saltiness of my tears seeped into my mouth and I could taste them on my tongue. I scraped my tongue against the edge of my teeth to get the taste off. But it wouldn’t come off. Soon, all I could taste was ocean. All I could feel was being in the water, drowning, panicking, dying.
I started breathing rapidly, sucking in each breath like it was my last. My heart raced loudly in my chest as if it were about to rip right out of me. Dizziness fell over me and let myself fall backwards onto my pillow as the room spun. Tears slipped down the sides of my face and I cringed. I writhed and turned over onto my side and buried my head into my pillow.
I might as well have died that day. I didn’t know why I was thinking that. I didn’t know why I felt like I should have died, but I did. There was some awful beast that had appeared inside of me the last few days and it was taking hold of me.
I looked up at the moonlight as it crept into my room. I tried to centre myself on it. I just stared at it while the panic began to subside. I wiped the tears away from my eyes. Suddenly a rush came over me again and I crinkled up my eyes and fought the tears away. My eyes burned as the tears tried to overtake me. One by one, they made their way out of my tightly shut eyes and rolled down my cheek. I couldn’t help it anymore. I was crying again. I had been a mess the last few days and I really didn’t know why.
There was a quiet knock at the door. My eyes grew wide. Whoever it was would see that I had been crying. In a panic, I began rubbing my face with my bed sheets. I swallowed against the lump that had formed in my throat and took in a deep breath.
"Yes?" I whispered nervously hoping it wasn’t Shauna. I didn’t want her to see me like this. I hardly knew her at all. She definitely didn’t need to know I was a cry baby as well as the nerdy book-worm she already thought I was.
The door opened and through the moonlight, I could see Lexie smiling as she walked in. She shut the door softly behind her and came and sat on my bed.
"Are you okay?" she asked with a warm smile.
"Yeah. I’m fine. What’s wrong?" I asked trying to shrug everything off.
"I could hear you whimpering from my room. Were you having a nightmare?" she asked as she put her hand on my trembling hands.
"Yeah. I was."
"Oh." She frowned. "Was it the drowning nightmare again?" She could read me so well. She had been my best friend since we were in grade four when she had saved me from the mean bully Tanya who loved picking on me at lunch time.
"Yes. I don’t know why. I just am so…" My eyes watered, brimming with the moist saltiness as it threatened to fall.
"It’s okay. You can tell me. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been okay the last few days. You can talk to me." Lexie squeezed my hand gently.
"I should be stronger than this. I’m being an overdramatic cry baby and I have no idea why." I wiped my eyes with my bed sheets before the tears could make a mess of my face.
"Oh sweetie, you aren’t. It’s okay to cry. Things are hard right now. Everything is changing. I can understand you being overwhelmed. There is a lot going on right now."
"What about you?" I asked wondering why she was so strong. It was her first time away from home too and here she was sitting before me like a tall flourishing tree standing still in a windstorm. She was strength. She exuded it with everything she did.
"I’m overwhelmed too. But I’m not alone. Having you here has really helped me get through this. At the end of the day, no matter how hard it’s been, I know I’m coming home to my best friend who will be there to make me laugh and feel better and get through all this crap. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you like you’ve been here for me," she said as her eyes drooped and she sighed.
"No, no. You have been here for me. I mean who is the one that threw that drink on Jessie?" I gave a half chuckle as I smiled a little. "Seriously, Lex, you’re a great friend. I need you." I said as I put my hand on hers.
"Good. I’m glad you know you can count on to me. I’ll be right back, okay."
Lexie smiled and left the room quickly. A few minutes later, she emerged from the dark. I could see two spoons in her hand as the moonlight left a spark of light on them. She sat down and plunked a cold container on my lap and gave me a spoon. I opened it and dug my spoon in the hard frozen ice cream. As I put it in my mouth, I could taste the triple chocolate melt into my taste buds.
As Lexie dug her spoon in, she turned and looked at me with raised eyebrows. "Where’d all the ice cream go?" she asked. I looked down to see the half empty container.
"It’s good when you’r
e sad," I said with a guilty smile.
"You are terrible! I love you but you are gonna regret this after the 10 pounds you put on from it," Lexie laughed as she poked her index into my bicep.
"Thanks. You’re so nice." I smiled. We shared a sincere look for a couple seconds. Her brown eyes were like drops of melted chocolate in milk. It was soothing just to look into them and know they were connected to the biggest heart.
"Dig in," she said as she held up the tub of ice cream. I took another big spoonful of the brown ice cream filled with chocolate chunks and put it in my mouth. It tasted serene on my tongue as the chocolate melted into my mouth.
"Mmm... so good," I said with my mouth full of cold creamy ice cream. Lexie giggled as she took in her own spoonful.
"Definitely good." Her voice was muffled by ice cream. Finally we both swallowed down the frozen treat as it cooled our throats. "Okay, I can totally see why you’ve already eaten half this tub!" Lexie giggled with a high pitched squeakiness.
I watched her take in another spoonful and suddenly I felt so sad. Here she was in the middle of the night with her upset friend when she had a class the next morning. Here she was being so good to me when I’d done nothing to deserve it. I’d been miserable. I had brought her down with me and here we were eating fattening ice cream at 3am.
"I’m sorry." I said bluntly. Her smile dropped into a fearful confusion, brows furrowed and eyes wide as her mouth hung open slightly.
"What?" She asked as she looked into my sad eyes.
"I’m sorry. I’m a bad friend, a bad person. A loser really. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Everything feels so wrong and now I’ve gotten you out of bed in the middle of the night to eat ice cream with me while I cry."
I was crying again. I was crying far too much lately. I really didn’t know why. It made no sense to me that I shouldn’t be happy. I was finally living my own life. But there was this overwhelming doom that took hold of me, invading my insides and pinching my stomach. It felt dark. It felt like it would be my destroyer. But it was a mystery to me. A part of me was afraid to look inside of myself to find out what it was. I didn’t want to look into the eyes of darkness, into the void inside me where it took up residence, growing spider webs through my veins.
"No. Don’t be sorry. This is good ice cream for one. And two, you are a good person, a good friend. I want to be here with you when you need me. I know you’d do the same." She was trying to convince me but it would never stick. I was filled with guilt that wasn’t going to go away easily. Maybe she was right and I had nothing to be guilty for. I don’t know. But that night I felt a terrible uneasiness inside of me. I was aching from my guts to my bones and I feared that I would bring her down with me. I feared the darkness was contagious.
"We have to get up early, so why don’t we call it a night?" I said turning away from her.
"If that’s what you want…" she replied hesitantly as her chocolate eyes stared into me as if in search of my soul.
I nodded. "I think it’s best."
I handed her my spoon and she got up and left. At the doorway, she paused and gave me a sincere look before heading away. As soon as the door shut, I broke into tears. I couldn’t believe I was pulling my best friend into my own misery. I felt an intense guilt that was eating me up inside. I crawled under the covers and buried myself in them.
My mind was haunted with her image as I tried to sleep. I could see that concern in her eyes. I could feel her sympathy. I felt so disgusted that I let her give me her sympathy. How dare I bring her into this! Who am I to make her sad! Nothing made sense anymore. I felt so alone. So pathetic. I felt like I should die. I would be better off if I had just drowned in my dreams because here I was hurting the people I loved with my sorrow. I fisted my hands around the comforter as I thought of how much I despised myself.
It was 6:36pm according to the clock in my little blue 1998 Honda Civic hatchback. I had just arrived at my parents’ house for dinner Friday night. I was feeling tired from school that day. I had an 8am class. After 11am when class ended, I came home and had an hour long nap. I hardly slept though. I tossed and turned as my head ached. The light coming in the room annoyed me. Even with my curtains closed, the light still flooded through the cheap ugly beige fabric that came with the apartment. I buried myself under my comforter and shut my eyes. I wasn’t well rested at all when I finally gave up on sleeping.
Soon I would have to spend the evening with my family. I didn’t want them to see me so tired. As I sat in my car, I thought about how my mom would worry, my dad would wonder why I’m not more resilient, and my sister, Janey, she would...she would be the only one that understood and sympathized with me. She would be the supportive one. I didn’t know at the time if Lydia would be there. I tried not to think about her.
After a few minutes, I decided it was time to go in. I walked up the pathway to our white house with the midnight grey roof and light grey shutters next to all the windows. I noticed my mom peering through the white sheer living room curtains at me. Suddenly she started waving. After a minute, the door opened and there she was with a glowing smile on her face.
"You’re here! I’ve been waiting all week to see my little university student. Come in sweetie," my mom said with sugar in her voice.
"Mom, I saw you last weekend when we moved my stuff to the apartment. It really hasn’t been all that long."
"A week is a long time. I’m used to seeing you every day. Now come on in," she shooed me through the front door and then called out. "Janey, your sister is here! Neil, she’s here!"
"Seriously, you move out and never call me?" Janey said staring at me with a pout, her arms crossed. Suddenly, her eyes sparkled as she looked at me, as if there was a special twinkle in them reserved just for me.
"It’s only been a week—” I started. Suddenly I felt my body bounce backward as my sister’s arms hugged tightly around me.
"I missed you," Janey said.
"I missed you too," I replied.
"I hope Lexie has been taking care of you because seriously, you’ll get into trouble with no one watching out for you," Janey said as I laughed.
"I’m an adult now, you know. I can take care of myself." I felt my eyes spark with confidence.
Janey laughed at me. "Sure," she said rolling her eyes. "I remember a couple months ago when you set the microwave on fire. Yeah, silly, you can take care of yourself"
"It wasn’t on fire. Just the bread was on fire and only because I forgot about the damn wire twist tie." I told her. We giggled when suddenly Dad came storming into the room.
"Yeah, it was a stupid thing to do," he said with loud bitterness. I felt myself sink inside.
"Hi Dad," I said to him with a forced smile. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t thrilled to see me like the rest of them. Just a week ago he was raving about how I was going to university and was now his grown up daughter. I come home for the first time, even if it had just been a week, and he was already telling me how stupid I was.
"Get your shoes off so we can go eat. I’m starving. The house smells like pork roast and I just want to eat it.” He stomped out of the room and into the dining room to sit down. I watched him as he sat at the head of the table and then looked forward in a daunting stare.
"Ew, I hate pork roast. It smells gross," Janey commented.
"Mom, it smells great," I said not realizing she had already made her way to the kitchen to start serving everything.
Suddenly, I heard a whisper in my ear, "Dad’s in one of his moods again," Janey said quietly.
"Oh." My eyes drooped as my heart fell to the floor.
I felt doomed inside all of a sudden. Just the thought of having to be around him when he was in one of his moods scared me. One of the reasons I had to escape home so badly was to get away from him when he was like that. And now, my first time coming home, he is in a bad mood again. It felt unfair. Knowing him felt unfair sometimes. I missed being his lit
tle princess, not the daughter who was his biggest disappointment.
I glanced back over at my dad. I could see him perfectly as the entrance way was adjacent to the dining room. I realized I should just suck it up and go sit down. A part of me wanted to run though. I wanted to run far away from this. I thought coming home for dinner would be nice. Maybe it would have been a change of pace from the hectic life of school, from feeling crappy lately. It wasn’t. I could tell that even from the beginning of the evening. I quickly went and sat down to his left. I made sure I was by the door in case I had to leave. I knew I would never leave, but just in case I got up the guts to do it, I sat there.
"Here we go," my mom said as she brought in a bowl of cooked carrots with a honey sauce on them. She placed them on a hot plate.
"Sit down, Janey," she said as my sister went to help her.
"Maggie, she should help you," my dad commanded.
"Okay, come and get the beans dear," my mom said as she looked down nervously.
"You’re not a guest, Annalyn. Go help," he said turning to me with that harsh glare. Sharp eyes. I quickly got up and rushed to the kitchen and grabbed a basket of bread. Janey and I both looked at each other. Her eyes were shining with a frightened gaze.
"Okay girls, we’re just about there. Take those out and sit down. This is gonna be a good dinner," my mom said cheerfully, though I could see a nervous tremble in her hands. Her hands always trembled a little when Dad was angry.
We both did as she said and seated ourselves across the table from each other. Mom followed us and sat perpendicular to us around the rectangular antique oak table with a cream table cloth on it. My dad quickly went for the pork roast. He had already carved it up before I arrived. He took a couple large pieces and then passed it on to Janey. Her face went sour.
"I am not eating this. Here, Mom." She passed it on.
"What, are you a vegetarian now?" my father asked her in a harsh tone.
"I want to be." Her voice squeaked a little, her eyes nervous.
"Well you aren’t going to be one so take some meat," my father replied as his eyes shot a glare at her. My mom passed the platter back to Janey and she took the smallest piece on it.
Suddenly Dad turned to me. "Well, are you gonna pass those carrots?" he said as if thunder arose from his voice.
"Here," I said after taking a spoonful for myself.
For the next few minutes, we all continued to dish up. No one said anything. I could see my father looking intently at all the food. He was hungry like a beast and all he wanted was to have everyone shut up while he ate.
My mom broke the tense silence. I wished she hadn’t. I wanted to keep things quiet. If no one said anything, maybe it wouldn’t light the spark inside my father. "So, Neil, how is everything?"
"Fine. The pork roast is a little dry, but it’s got good seasoning," he replied with a mouth full of pork. I sunk into my seat with relief. Everything was fine. He wasn’t mad about the food. It was one less thing for him to get mad at.
"Annalyn, how do you like it?" Mom asked me.
"Oh, it’s great Mom. You are a great cook, as always," I said. The food was good in fact. Mom always put a lot of care into what she cooked.
"I’m glad. So how are things at the university? It must have been a big week for you," mom said with a smile. I glanced up at her for a split second and then quickly stared back down at my food. The image of her forcefully wide smile and eyes trying to hide their spark of fear was etched into my brain.
"I don’t know. It’s okay—" I started in a less than enthusiastic tone, my eyes looking down at the slab of meat.
"What’s wrong with it?" My dad cut in, his voice thunderous.
"Oh, nothing’s wrong with it, Dad. School is just, well, it’s harder than I thought it would be," I explained.
"It’s the first week. How can it be hard?" he asked as his eyes pierced into me.
"There’s a lot of assigned reading. And some of the professors are really strict. I just didn’t expect this."
"What did you expect? You are an adult now. You got to act like it. No one is gonna put up with your teenage antics anymore. You gotta buckle down and work hard. I did it. Lydia is doing it. She’s going to grad school in a year. Why can’t you work hard like her?" my dad growled.
My heart felt like it was dropping into an abyss. The tone of his voice cut through me like knives. Suddenly I envisioned myself as a mole trying to escape through tunnels in the ground as large knives were thrust into the tunnels. I was racing for my life as knives jabbed in front of me, behind me, and then through me, dagger into the heart. Game over. The vicious gardener wins. Toss the dead mole into the back woods for coyotes to snack on. Tear me apart, insides and all. Guts ripping.
Suddenly I snapped back into reality and saw my dad staring at me, grim eyes gripping into my throat.
"I am working hard, Dad. I’ve been getting some reading done every night. It’s not a problem. As you said, I am an adult now. I can handle this. Don’t worry about anything. I will make you proud like Lydia has," I explained in a calm rational voice as I put my trembling hands under the table to hide them from him.
"Good. I don’t need any more disappointment from any of you," he replied as he took another bite of pork roast.
I saw my mom stirring her food around her plate nervously. She didn’t take her eyes off her plate.
Janey and I both made glanced at each other from across the table. I felt her kick my foot lightly as she gave me a sad half smile. We both sighed lightly beneath our breaths and went back to eating. There was more silence. I relished in the silence. Silence made people nervous. But to me it only meant my dad had nothing to say. If he had something to say, he would say it. Silence was a comforting change from that.
Suddenly the phone rang. Mom jumped up to answer it.
"Leave it. We’re eating dinner," my dad said in a biting tone.
"Neil, I’m expecting Lydia to phone. She went for a job interview today and I want to know how it went," my mom said looking at him expectantly until he finally nodded before chomping on a piece of bread.
"Ask her why she didn’t come to dinner," he said with his mouth full.
I felt like I was sitting next to an angry beast. His eyes glared at my mom. I stared at them from the corner of my eye. I don’t know why I looked at him at all. It only frightened me more. His dark eyes were piercing. His blue eyes looked like they were turning a stormy colour. I didn’t know if that was even humanly possible but I swear it happened. His fair skin contrasted against his dark eyes as he sat there. With his muscular biceps, he could easily snap one of us in half.
After a few minutes, I could hear my mom laughing on the phone. She was smiling. It was a genuine smile. It made me feel warm inside. I wanted her to be happy. But she could never stand up to him. He was too unpredictable. Sometimes she would fight back, but their fights mostly consisted of him yelling at her at the top of his lungs. I couldn’t handle watching, being witness to it and yet I was my entire life a constant witness of my father’s terror towards my mother. My being consisted of walking on breaking ground and I felt as if any second, I would fall through. At any second, my father would blow up, turn into the devil and take us all with him to hell. I wanted mom to save us, to care about us more than pleasing him, but she couldn’t do that for us. Or maybe she just wouldn’t do it. I needed her to try though. She never tried. Her priority was him and preventing the chaos he would cause.
Once we had finished dinner, my sister and I helped my mom clean up. My father went out to the back porch and sat there. I wasn’t really sure what he was doing just sitting there. I guess he was thinking. He did that a lot. None of us wanted to bother him when he was doing that, so we always just left him alone.
Soon we were finished the dishes so Janey and I headed upstairs to her bedroom. When we got there, I took a seat on her pink bed. Her room was filled with stuffed animals and other frilly things. S
he still had wallpaper with unicorns on it. I imagined she would want to change that soon. It felt like a shame to me though because when I looked at those unicorns on the wall, I saw Janey.
I looked over and saw a plush white pegasus on her shelf. It was hardly white anymore though. She used to cantor around her room holding it high above her head as she neighed. Then she’d jump up on her bed and hold the pegasus up to the light and tell me it was going to heaven and she was going to jump on its back and fly with it into the light. I told her I would miss her if she went to heaven with her pegasus and she said I was coming too because I had goodness inside of me and the angels wanted me too.
I chuckled inside as I thought of that memory. We never went to church except for a few Christmas Eves when Grandma dragged us all there. God wasn’t talked about in our house except when someone wanted to blame him for something. Yet, Janey believed. My eyes watered a little as I looked at the light in the middle of her ceiling. I envied the little girl I remembered. She could believe in something greater. I wonder if, at age twelve, she still believed.
Janey was sitting on her purple beanbag chair across the room from me. She looked up at me with solemn eyes. "That was intense."
"I know. I wish things could be different. I didn’t want to ever come back to that." I sat there looking down at my hands. "You know, he never used to do this around you. He used to keep you so innocent. You were his baby and he never wanted you to have to see the pain in the world. I don’t know what’s changed."
"I’ve changed. He doesn’t like that I am growing up. I am not that kid anymore and he’s starting to see it. He realizes I’m not his princess anymore and he’s stopped treating me like it." Her eyes looked like they were going to droop to the floor.
"I’m sorry. I never wanted you to see and hear what Lydia and I have had to see and hear all these years. When did all this start anyways?" I asked.
"Honestly, last weekend once you moved out things changed. I don’t know what it was about him, but he changed. He’s been in this mood ever since. I know he’s been in moods like this before, but he always tried to hide them from me. But Annalyn, I was never stupid. I could always see what was going on." I could hear the sorrow in her voice.
"I’m sorry. I should have protected you better." I stared down at the floor.
"You tried the best you could. I really don’t know why he’s taking things out on me now. I guess now that you are gone I’m the only one left that he can get mad at. I guess he needs someone to get mad at. It’s funny," she gave a hollow sort of laugh. "I never really had him yell and scream at me until this week."
"He yelled at you?" My heart ached.
"Yeah. He was mad. I don’t think I even did anything. He just needed to yell at someone and I was there. Honestly, I don’t even know what he was mad at. He just started ranting and raving about how we’re all screw ups. It came out of nowhere." Janey hugged her legs as she sat there. I caught a glimpse of her eyes and they were filled with sadness and guilt. I didn’t know why she felt guilty over this.
"Whatever it was, it wasn’t your fault. I doubt it was even about you."
"It was just shocking when it happened. I honestly feel like my innocent childhood is being ripped away. I’m growing up and I’ve grown out of that safe place. I’m almost a teenager now. I’m even getting boobs. Well, that part’s good but still." She sighed and wiped the corners of her eyes where the tears wanted to fall so badly. I could see her peering down at her hardly formed chest.
"I’m so sorry. You know, I honestly thought everything would be better once I was gone and that didn’t happen. I guess I can never escape it. Things follow you everywhere." I felt lost as I was talking. There was this depressed sorrow that took over me.
"What do you mean?" Janey asked looking up at me.
"Nothing is better. Escaping home doesn’t change what home is. And I left you there with him. Maybe I should have stayed and protected you. Instead I left you alone to fend for yourself."
"That’s not true. I have mom. And you come home all the time… or you will. It’s not your fault, Annalyn," Janey tried to explain to me but I couldn’t believe her. It was my fault Dad was taking everything out on her. I was gone. I was his scapegoat and now he had to find another one. Our mother was there, but she would only protect Janey as much as she could. And beyond that, our mother was so busy making him happy that she didn’t really work on making us happy. I guess I am bitter about the fact that she cares more about pleasing him than focusing on us. "Annalyn, I’ll be fine here."
"It’s not just that. I feel like everything around me is falling apart. I feel like I’m falling apart inside and I don’t know what to do."
"Is it school?" Janey asked.
"Yes. And guys. And being a grown up. There’s just so much, I can’t take it all." I rambled on in a hopeless voice. Things felt so hopeless. Everything really was falling apart, I thought.
"But you were so excited about school and being grown up and moved out of the house. What’s changed," Janey asked.
"Everything. I’ve changed. I don’t even think I am me anymore. I am just this vessel. This body that lugs itself through each day to survive when really I want to go home and sleep. I don’t feel like I am alive at all. I might as well be sleeping."
"But Annalyn, I don’t understand why things have changed. It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?" Her eyes showed her confusion.
"You don’t get it. You’re too young to understand."
"Don’t say that! I am not too young to understand that you are hurting inside and Dad is only making things worse for you. I’m not too young to understand any of that!" Her eyes sparked with anger.
"I’m sorry. I guess I understood how things were when I was your age. It just seems like so much has changed since I was twelve. So much has changed. I was happy enough. I was fine. I was settled. I lived at home, I went to middle school, then high school and got good grades and had a best friend. But things have changed." I felt a deep sorrow sinking into my guts as I talked to her.
"What happened with you and Lexie? I thought you were still best friends."
"We are. She’s great. I’m really glad I have her as a roommate now. But sometimes I just feel like I am burdening her with my problems. There is just something wrong with me. I can’t understand it. I feel so down, so unhappy. I want to cry all the time. I just put on a happy face because I know that’s what people want to see, but inside I am drowning, I am dying. I am turning into nothing. I’m not important at school. I’m not even doing that well. I’m nothing."
"Don’t say that. You are my sister. That is something. It’s an important thing too because I would be lost without you. I miss having you here. I wish I could move out and live at your apartment," she said. "Then at least I would be able to escape Dad too."
"That would be nice. When you turn eighteen, you can move in with me. We’ll be roomies. It’ll be great. Things will be different then. They will be better then."
"That would be nice. It’s six years away though. It’ll feel like a life time."
"I know, and in the meantime I can continue feeling lost and alone," I said just wanting to cry.
"Things will be better soon. It’s only the first week of school and of being out on your own. I’m sure it will get better. You have Lexie there at least."
"I really think there’s something wrong with me though. I don’t think it can get better. How can something get better when it is me that’s the problem. I’m broken and unfixable."
"I don’t understand why you are saying that," Janey said, looking at me with confused eyes.
"I hope you never get to understand. It’s better to not understand how this feels." I looked at my hands again. I noticed I had been biting my nails a bit. I had bit my index fingernail down too far and it started to hurt. The pain in my finger throbbed lightly as I stared at it.
"What’s really wrong, Annalyn?" Janey asked in this naive way.
I didn’t know how to tell her what was wrong. I didn’t know what was wrong myself. I just felt so crappy inside. I wasn’t sure what was bothering me or what I felt so sad about. I didn’t know anything except that inside there was pain.
"I don’t know. I really don’t know." I looked down, my eyes feeling like they were filling with an intense and dark sorrow.
Janey came up to me and sat down on the bed pulling me into a hug. A few stray tears formed in my eyes. I wiped them away with one hand as we continued to hug.
As our heads met each other side by side in the hug, I whispered to her "I really don’t know." I really didn’t know. Something was just wrong with me, like a barren hole was forming inside of me and sucking in all of my being into it. Soon I’d be gone. I didn’t know how or why, but I couldn’t survive that feeling.
Entangled in Darkness Page 4
