Only this is real...
I don’t remember leaving the bar, only the vague memory of someone saying my name as I stepped out onto the sidewalk stuck with me; the drive home’s even more of a blur.
It’s like one minute I’m standing in front of Decklan’s door trying to convince myself none of this is real, the next I am in my dorm with no real recollection of how I got here.
All I know is I feel like the walls are caving in around me and there is no way to survive the weight that is slowly suffocating me.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t think clearly.
I feel like my heart is literally being torn from my chest, and I am helpless to stop it.
Chapter Twenty-two
Decklan
“You can’t keep doing this, dude. I’ve covered for you for over a week now, but I won’t continue to pull your weight.” Gavin stares back at me from across the bar, his tone serious. “I know you’re going through some shit right now, and I know what next week is...” He pauses, his gaze softening slightly.
“Conner has nothing to do with this,” I object, slinging back the remainder of the drink in front of me.
“Conner has everything to do with this,” he says, his face hardening, “and you’re a fucking idiot if you think he doesn’t.”
“Watch it,” I warn. “You may be my best friend but that doesn’t mean I won’t fucking lay you out.”
“Really?” He bites, his clear aggravation growing. “Is that how it’s going to be now? You’re just going to push everyone away this time, including me?”
“I’m not pushing anyone away.” Even as I say the words I know deep down they aren’t true.
Isn’t that exactly what I did to Kimber? Pushed her away? I still can’t shake the way she looked at me when I forced her to leave my apartment. I don’t think a look has ever fucking gutted me the way that one did.
“You do this every year. Every year when it gets close to the anniversary of the accident you shut down. I’ve come to expect it, Deck. But this is extreme, even for you. You can’t just hole yourself up in that apartment and drink yourself to death. You have friends, a business, and last time I checked a beautiful girl, for reasons unknown to me, who is fucking crazy about you.”
“I doubt she’d agree with you there,” I mutter, not meeting his gaze.
“Because you fucking discarded her like a piece of fucking trash, Deck.” He sighs, running his hands through his hair on a sigh of frustration. “The first girl, dude, the first girl to ever pull you out of the dark fog you’ve been living in for the past eight years and this is how you treat her?”
“Leave it alone, Gavin.” I try to keep my voice controlled.
“No. Look at you. You’re fucking miserable. You love that girl and instead of being with her, you’re sitting here drowning yourself in the bottom of a bottle. How does that make any sense?”
“Don’t fucking pretend like you have any room to talk.” I glare back at him.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He hits me with a confused expression.
“Don’t you think I know why you never told me about Harlee?” I question. “You didn’t want me to know because deep down you have feelings for her. But instead of doing something about it, you ran.”
“Feelings for her? I don’t even fucking know her,” he spits.
“What a cop out.” I shake my head. “At least I have the fucking balls to own my shit. You’re just a fucking coward.”
“And what do you call this, Deck?” He gestures towards me. “Bravery?” His words drip with sarcasm. “Numbing yourself with whiskey while you push away the only girl who you’ve ever really cared for? I think you’re the fucking coward.”
“Fuck you, Gavin.”
“Fuck you.” He spits back at me. “This shit has gone far enough.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” My voice echoes around us.
“You. This incessant need you have to punish yourself. You can’t keep blaming yourself for Conner. You can’t keep pushing away everyone who cares about you. It’s fucking selfish.”
“I can do whatever the fuck I want.” His comment has my anger hanging on by a mere thread.
“You know what, you’re right. But where the fuck are you going to be in five years, hell in ten years for that matter? I’m all about drinking and having a good time, but this isn’t what that is, Deck.”
“This is my life and it’s none of your fucking business, Gavin. Leave it alone,” I growl, snagging the bottle in front of me before tilting it over, watching the golden contents splash into my glass.
“None of my business?” He looks at me like he’s in disbelief. “None of my fucking business,” he repeats, shaking his head slowly side to side.
“That’s what I said,” I confirm coldly.
“So I guess the fact that I co-own this bar and am doing all the work is none of my business. The fact that I am your best friend, and I’m watching you spiral down a dark hole I’m not sure you will be able to find your way out of, is none of my business. The fact that my brother, my family, is throwing away his chance to be happy, I guess that’s none of my business, too.” He snags the bottle from the bar and drops it onto the back counter.
“You’re fucking killing yourself, Deck.” He seethes, staring daggers at me.
“Good,” I snap, pouring the contents of the glass down my throat before slamming it onto the bar.
“Get your shit together or I’m cutting your ass out,” he threatens.
“You can’t do that.” I let out a dark laugh.
“Like hell I can’t. The lease of this building is in my name. The business loan is in my name.” He reminds me. “I don’t want to do this with you, Deck, I really don’t. But I also won’t continue to do all the work while you drink yourself fucking stupid. Get. Your. Shit. Together.” He emphasizes each word. “Or I’m done. I’ve spent enough of my life picking your ass up, it’s time you learn how to do it yourself.”
“Fuck you,” I spit. “Cut me out. See if I fucking care.”
Standing, I shove the bar stool violently, letting it crash to the floor before spinning and walking away. Gavin yells after me, but his voice is muffled and fogged by the liquor running through my veins and the amount of distance I have already put between us.
Shoving my way outside, I immediately reach for the pack of cigarettes that are shoved into the front pocket of my jeans, dropping the pack twice before finally managing to get a cigarette out.
Pressing it between my lips I light it, taking a deep inhale as I slide down onto the curb that sits just feet from the front entrance of the bar.
Who the fuck does he think he is?
Anger seethes through my blood, my hand shaking slightly as I lift the cigarette to my lips and take another deep inhale.
“It’s a bit early isn’t it?” I hear a soft voice behind me.
I turn to the left just in time to see a petite red head slide down next to me.
“Aubrey,” I say, surprised that I even remember her name. I’d say the main reason I do is because she is the last person I slept with before Kimber.
“What are you doing here?” I turn my face forward, taking another hit of my cigarette.
“I just finished meeting my sister for lunch.” She gestures across the street. “What about you? What are you doing out here?”
“What does it fucking look like?” I bite, ignoring the sharp inhale that sounds from her mouth at my words.
“Everything okay?” She rests her hand against my back, my body going ridged beneath her touch.
I barely know this girl. I don’t know why she feels like she has the right to push her way into my shit. Just because I fucked her doesn’t mean were friends.
“Fucking perfect.” I blow out a stream of thick smoke.
“Yeah I can tell.” She laughs nervously. “You need a shoulder?” she tacks on.
I know her game. I can tell by the way her hand slides
across my back that she would like to be much more than a shoulder, and honestly, I’m considering the notion myself.
The thought of burying myself inside her tight little body and forgetting this fucking life for a few minutes sounds more appealing than I expect it to. I would say the whiskey plays a huge role in that thought process, but I don’t have it me to care.
“Just a shoulder?” I turn my gaze towards her, watching the way her eyes darken as she bites down gently on her bottom lip.
“Or whatever else you need.” Her voice drops low.
“Fuck it.” I flip my cigarette into the street before standing, pulling Aubrey up with me.
She’s all too eager to follow me inside the bar and as much as I know I shouldn’t be doing this, a part of me feels like maybe I need to. Maybe if I fuck someone else I will be able to forget about Kimber.
Just the thought of her name causes a tight knot to settle into the pit of my stomach.
Shaking it off, I ignore Gavin’s eyes on us as I lead Aubrey through the door that goes up to my apartment, dragging her up the stairs behind me. I don’t fucking care what he thinks; he has no right to fucking judge anyone.
Throwing open my door, Aubrey is on me before I even step over the threshold. I stumble backward slightly into the apartment, swallowing down the sick feeling that creeps into my throat when her lips connect with mine.
I try to push it away, shake off how wrong it feels to kiss her but I can’t. It only gets worse as she unbuttons her shirt and drops it to the floor, her hands skirting across my stomach as she reaches underneath my t-shirt.
Backing her into the support beam that runs through the middle of the room, my mind immediately flashes to the last time I pinned Kimber against it, how I felt her bare around me, the way her body trembled beneath my touch.
Breaking away from Aubrey’s mouth, the moment my eyes trace her across her flesh, I reach down and stop her hands from unzipping my pants.
“What’s wrong?” She pants, dropping her mouth to my neck.
You’re not her, is all I can think but refrain from saying.
“Stop,” I say, my voice lost somewhere in my throat. “Stop,” I repeat more forcefully, grabbing her shoulders to hold her firm as I take a step back. “Just stop.” I pant, furious with myself for even considering doing this or even thinking that I could for that matter.
Everything about this feels wrong. Fuck me.
Here I have a beautiful girl throwing herself at me, one I know is a good fuck, and I can’t even fucking get hard. I can’t kiss her without thinking of Kimber’s lips. I can’t look at her without thinking of Kimber’s body. While this girl may be attractive, she has nothing on the woman who controls my body and my heart.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” I take another step backward, not missing the hurt expression that crosses her features.
“Seriously?” Her tone shifts from soft and sweet to angry in the matter of a second.
“You should go.” I reach down, retrieving her shirt from the floor.
Extending my hand out, she looks down at the article of clothing and then back up to my face not trying at all to hide her confusion.
She opens her mouth to speak but then snaps it closed, clearly deciding against whatever it is she wants to say. Snagging the shirt from my hand, she’s out of the apartment before she even has it all the way on, slamming the door violently behind her.
I stare at that door for what feels like an eternity, my inebriated state causing me to fixate on that one object. I can still hear Kimber’s voice, the way she pleaded with me not to do this as I forced her out of that very door.
I pushed her away...just like I’ve pushed everyone away.
I find clarity in the moment, as if somehow the fog has temporarily been lifted and I can see clearly for the first time in a very long time.
I think about Conner, about the accident, about how badly I wanted to switch places with him, about how badly I still do. I think about my mom, how she could barely look at me for weeks following the accident.
Over and over the moments play through my mind, stirring emotions inside of me that I have long since kept buried. Emotions that I feared would consume me if I gave into them.
Kimber is the only thing that has ever given me any kind of peace; a bright light that cut through the thick darkness I buried myself in for years. She’s the only thing that makes any sense to me anymore.
I was so focused on not hurting her that I couldn’t see just how badly I was hurting her. I just don’t know if that’s something I can come back from. I don’t even know if I could bring myself to try.
Gavin’s right, I’m miserable without her but that doesn’t change the fact that I will never be the kind of man that deserves her love.
Letting her go is the only way I know how to show her just how much she means to me. I want more for her, better. No matter how badly I want her, deep down I know I did the right thing. I choose to put her happiness over my own.
I just hope one day I can find a way to live with that choice.
Chapter Twenty-three
Kimber
“Are you gonna get that?” Harlee hollers from the bathroom as I sit cross-legged on top of my bed, trying my best to focus on the dry reading material of my textbook and not on the rapid knocking that has been sounding against our door for the past thirty seconds.
“It’s your date, why do I have to get it?” I whine, hating how pathetic I sound.
“Please, Kimber, I’m not ready,” she pleads through the closed door.
“Fine.” I huff, pushing up off the bed.
I adjust my black leggings and pull down my long gray sweater before taking one quick look at myself in the mirror. Considering I’ve been holed up in here all afternoon studying, I don’t look half bad. Well, other than the fact that my hair is tied up in the messiest bun ever and you can clearly see traces of dark circles under my eyes from my inability to sleep.
Letting out a deep sigh, I shake away the thoughts of Decklan that immediately creep into my mind. It’s been nearly a week since I last saw him. I wish I could say it’s gotten easier but if I’m being truthful, it’s actually gotten much worse.
“I’m coming,” I yell when the rapid knocking starts again after just a few seconds.
Crossing the space of the room, I rip open the door, only half looking at who’s on the other side considering Harlee is expecting Bryan. It takes a few seconds for my brain to register that’s not who it is, and I immediately do a double take.
“Gavin?” I question, taking a step backward into the room as he pushes his way inside. “Harlee is busy,” I say, assuming that’s why he’s here.
“This isn’t about Harlee.” He closes the door before spinning towards me, his blue eyes filled with concern. “It’s about Decklan.”
The mere mention of his name sends my heart galloping inside my chest and causes the sickest feeling to knot in the pit of my stomach.
“Decklan?” I barely get his name out, the last part catching in my throat.
“Look, I wouldn’t have come here if I didn’t think it was the only way,” he says, apology lining his features.
“What is it?” I blurt, wishing he would just spit it out already. “Is Decklan okay?” Fear cripples my insides.
“He’s fine, physically anyways.” He sighs, running a hand through his short brown hair. “Emotionally, well let’s just say I’ve never seen him so low. He’s barely left his apartment in a week, he’s completely dropped all of his responsibilities at the bar, and at the rate he’s going he will have eliminated our entire stock of whiskey by week’s end. I know he’s pushing you away, hell he’s pushing everyone away, it’s what he does. But I need you to not let him. If he succeeds in losing you, I’m not sure he’ll recover.”
I open my mouth to respond but before I can get a word out Harlee emerges from the bathroom, the wide smile on her face immediately fading when she sees it's Gavin in our room and not Bryan.<
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“What the hell are you doing here?” she bites, her harsh voice not hiding the glimmer of excitement that lights behind her eyes.
“I’m here for Kimber.” His voice remains clipped as he does his best not to look at her, only throwing her a brief glance before turning his attention back to me.
“As I was saying, I need your help,” he continues.
“What’s going on?” Harlee immediately interjects, crossing the small space towards me.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with you.” He finally meets her gaze, his forehead creasing in frustration.
“The hell it doesn’t,” she snaps. “Kimber is my friend. If there’s something going on, I have the right to know.”
“It’s fine,” I interject, pulling Gavin’s attention back to me, gesturing for him to continue.
“Look, I can’t explain everything.” He lets out a loud exhale. “There’s something you don’t know about Decklan, something he’s chosen to keep from you. In order to understand what you’re dealing with, I feel like you need to know the whole story.”
“Okay...” I draw out, waiting for him to continue.
“Can I explain on the way?” he asks, surprising me.
“On the way to where?” I question, not trying to hide my confusion.
“To the cemetery.” He steps towards the door, tearing it open.
“The cemetery?” I stutter.
“Where Decklan’s brother is buried. Now can we go?” he asks impatiently from the open doorway.
I don’t try to hide my surprise over his statement. I didn’t know Decklan had a brother that died, though now that I think about it, it makes sense. The comments Trey made, the way Decklan would shut down when I tried to find out more about his family, the rift that was so clearly preventing him from having any kind of real relationship with his mom.
I can’t deny that a part of me feels very hurt that he didn’t feel like he could share something like this with me. Then again, in a way I kind of understand why he didn’t.
Crazy Stupid Love (Crazy Love #1) Page 18
