by Ivy Jordan
“Oh, fuck,” he gasped, gripping me tighter and pushing even harder into me.
I had already begun pulsating around him, squeezing him as he started to throb. His breathing was sporadic, his movements swift as we both came at the same time.
Chapter Seven
The fire crackled as Ethan snuggled me under the blanket. Brenda loaned me more clothes, and then snuck off upstairs with Billy, leaving us alone. I knew their newlywed stage was beginning to wear off, and that she was only pretending to be ready for bed to give me more time with Ethan.
I sunk into his arms, letting my head rest on his chest. I listened to his heart beat, let his breathing lift me, and then drop me in a steady motion, and felt sadness sweep over me at the thought of him leaving.
“What’s wrong?” he asked softly.
I didn’t want to ruin the mood by bringing up his upcoming departure. He was headed to California, over a thousand miles away, and that was where he wanted to start his life. This, whatever this was, it was temporary. He’d already made that clear on the camping trip.
“Nothing,” I sighed.
“I’m not ready to leave either,” he said softly.
His hand gently brushed the hair from my cheek. A tear had fallen from my eye and clung to the hairs he moved. I wasn’t sure if he could see my face from the angle he sat, but if he did, he didn’t say.
“How’d you know that was bothering me?” I asked, half giggling to lighten the mood.
“Well, I guess I just hoped that was it,” he said with a chuckle.
“Oh, so you want me to miss you?” I teased, lifting my head to give him a sarcastic smirk.
“No. Well, yeah. I’m gonna miss you,” he said.
My heart swelled in my chest. I really didn’t want him to leave. Every time I started looking forward to the summer, I realized he wouldn’t be here, and sadness filled my heart. At night, I laid in bed, dreaming about what it would be like if he stayed, and would fall asleep dreaming about having a life with him. Each morning I woke up with a sickness in my stomach, that gut-wrenching feeling of knowing it was all just a dream.
“You will?” I asked.
I laid my head back against his chest and sighed. If he would miss me, why leave?
“Of course,” he insisted. “But I’ll come back and visit sometime,” he said softly.
My thoughts drifted to what that would be like. Ethan coming back for a visit, and what, a hook up? What happens when he meets someone? And from what Brenda said, it sounded like that was his plan. He wanted to find someone, settle down, and have a life, a real life. So, one of those visits he would show up with a woman, probably beautiful and successful, and of course, perfect. Then they’d get married, and their visits would include children, their children. I couldn’t bear the thought.
Tears started to well up in my eyes again at the thought of being only a hook-up to Ethan. Even if he meant what he said now, that’s exactly what I was, what I would be, if not already.
School would be out in less than two weeks, and Ethan would be leaving. He knew I would be freed from my ties here, minus my mother, who was more than capable of caring for herself. He never once asked me to come with him, to even come stay for the summer.
Slowly, I began to control my emotions, realizing that up until all those thoughts of the doomed future, I was happy. I was having fun. I knew what this was when I stepped—or maybe leaped—into it. We hadn’t spent that much time together, and already my heart was aching. I needed to get back in the mindset I’d had from the beginning. This was just fun. Nothing more. Just fun.
“I better get home,” I said quickly.
Ethan seemed surprised as I lifted up from his lap. “Please tell Brenda I’ll bring her clothes back,” I said, grabbing my bag and my keys.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, his eyes filled with confusion and pain.
“No. I just have a long day tomorrow. This last full week will be torture.”
“Are you sure that’s it?” he asked, pulling me into his arms.
Damn, he smells so good.
“Yes. That’s it,” I lied.
“Let me walk you to your car,” he insisted, reaching for his jacket.
“No. You’re already warm and comfy. It’s cold out there,” I said, squirming from his arms.
“Okay. Let me know when you make it home,” he insisted with a stern tone.
I nodded and rushed toward the front door.
In my car, I sat there, pain rolling through my body like thunder. I started it, pulled out, and drove home with tears in my eyes, Ethan’s scent still on my skin, and the taste of his cock on my tongue.
“Are you okay?” my mom questioned as I opened the front door.
“Yes.”
“You look like you’ve been crying,” she pushed.
“It’s just cold.”
“You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you?” she smiled softly.
I nodded. “Yeah. But he’s leaving soon,” I said.
“When things are meant to be, they’ll be,” she said, another one of her profound moments. She had those from time to time. But in this case, there wasn’t anything that felt meant to be. He was leaving. I was staying. Case closed.
I held my phone in my hand, wanting to hear Ethan’s voice before bed. He’d said ‘let me know,’ not ‘call me,’ so I decided to send a quick text to let him know I made it home safe.
Me: I’m home safe. Goodnight.
Ethan: Sweet dreams J
My dreams were sweet. It was waking up to the sour reality that wasn’t.
Chapter Eight
I distanced myself from Ethan quite a bit over the next week. I used the excuse of work being overwhelming to keep him convinced I was not upset. I wanted to see him. I needed to see him, actually. But I knew if I wanted to truly enjoy my last few days with him, I’d have to suck up this feeling and not let my emotions get in the way.
During his last week, we spent a day at the gun range, this time at the outside range, and I showed off my long-distance accuracy. The next evening, we had drinks and listened to horrible karaoke singers in the local pub, and now, his last day here, we planned to spend the day on the water, fishing on a rented pontoon.
I was getting ready when he pulled up, earlier than expected. “Ethan’s here,” my mom yelled from the front room.
I double-checked myself in the mirror and grabbed my favorite fishing pole before meeting him on the front porch. “You’re early,” I said.
“Every minute counts,” he said with a smile.
“Don’t remind me,” I pouted playfully.
“It doesn’t seem like it’s been a month already,” he said as he helped me into the truck.
To me, it felt as though it’d been a lifetime.
“You gonna teach me how to fish?” he teased.
“I had to teach you how to shoot, so why not?” I teased back.
That smile of his lit up my heart. I hated to see it go. I wondered if I’d remember it, I mean really remember it, when he left. I hoped so. No matter how bad I was feeling, that smile could cheer me up.
The lake was crowded with boaters trying to launch their boats before the heat of the day sent the fish too deep to lure out. We parked in the top parking lot and walked down the hill to the marina.
“Hey, Sam,” I greeted the old man behind the counter.
“Penelope,” he said endearingly.
“You know everyone?” Ethan teased.
“It’s a small town,” I laughed.
“It’s so good to see you again,” Sam said, moving from behind the counter to embrace me in his flappy, grey-hair-covered arms.
“I’ve missed you,” I admitted, fighting to swallow the lump in my throat.
“I’m just glad to see you back on the water,” he grinned.
“Who’s this? Did you go and get hitched behind my back?” he teased as his eyes moved toward Ethan.
I laughed. “I’d never do that to you, Sam,”
I said with a grin.
He gave us the keys to the best pontoon available, laughing that it wasn’t exactly a fishing boat. “We’re just out to enjoy the day,” I told him.
We found a spot in a quiet cove and shut off the engine. Ethan was watching me carefully as I worked the chad around my hook by its tail. “You’re a natural,” he chuckled.
“No way. It took years of practice,” I laughed.
“So, you and your dad spent a lot of time out here?” he questioned.
“Oh, yes,” I said, remembering how much fun we used to have.
“This is the first time I’ve been out here without him, or with anyone but him, in fact,” I admitted, smiling at the beautiful man in the captain’s seat.
“I’m honored,” he said, his mouth cracking with a wide grin.
I cast my line into the water, letting it drop about twelve feet into the thirty feet of water. The sun was already working its way through the morning clouds, heating things up quickly. I knew my way around this lake, and I knew that the larger bass were sitting right where I’d placed my chad, just waiting on the smaller fish to move to cooler water. Instead of a feast of smaller fish, they’d get my hook. At least, I hoped one of the big ones would.
“I think it’s hot enough to go to the bottom,” he said, casting his line into the deeper water.
I explained my theory, but it fell upon deaf ears, so I left him alone.
It only took a few minutes for my pole to start bending and the line to start pulling against my reel. I tried to refrain from gloating as I fought in the fish, but as I pulled in the twenty-pounder, the grin on my face grew as fast as my ego.
“Okay, you got lucky,” he said, opening the cooler lid for me to drop my fish.
Two more, nearly as big, and he finally asked, “Twelve feet, you said?”
We caught our limit and still had plenty of time left to just float and relax. I’d brought sandwiches, and he’d brought beer, so we cuddled up in the cove and enjoyed the beauty of our surroundings without saying much.
“It’s after five,” Ethan sulked as he looked at his phone.
I’d nearly fallen asleep in his arms as the sun beat down and warmed my face. The news that we needed to leave was not welcomed, causing my mood to damper as we headed toward the marina.
Even weighing in our fish and leaving them at the cleaning station didn’t cheer me up. Even knowing that we’d done better than anyone else out there on the lake that day didn’t help.
“You promise me you’ll come back for the fish and have a fish fry with Brenda and Billy after I leave?” he asked.
“I promise,” I agreed.
The ride home was quiet. Ethan’s hand rested on mine, his finger slowly tracing each one of mine as he drove with one hand on the wheel. He’d turned the station to country without me asking, letting me enjoy having a piece of my dad with me as he navigated toward my house.
“Well, this is it,” he said, pulling into my drive.
A lump formed in my throat. It was so large, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to swallow it. I wanted to puke as he helped me out of the truck.
I fought back my tears as he pinned me against the truck, his arms around me and his hands tucked into my back pockets. “I’m sure gonna miss you, girl,” he said, pausing as if he wanted to say more.
I swallowed hard, freeing the lump from my throat. “I’m gonna miss you more,” I said softly.
My voice cracked as I spoke, and a couple tears made their way from my eyes to my cheeks. He pulled a hand from my pocket, wiped my face, and then leaned in, letting his lips press into mine.
“I’ll be back,” he said softly.
His eyes were filled with what looked like love to me. It felt like love to me. I couldn’t help but wonder: does he feel it, too?
“I promise,” he added, and then released me from his embrace.
I nodded, unable to speak. I watched as he climbed into his truck, gave me one last wink, and drove out of my life, possibly forever.
Chapter Nine
The smell of apple pie lingered throughout the house. I’d been sulking for two days after Ethan left, leaving my mom no choice but to bring out the big gun, her apple pie. “You hungry?” she asked, poking her head into my room.
I was going through papers, filling out the final grades for each student when she startled me with her question. “Yes. I’m starving,” I groaned.
“I thawed that fish out in the freezer,” she said as she slid a large slice of pie onto my plate.
“Why did you do that?” I asked.
“Ethan called me and told me to. He said you were supposed to have a fish fry at Brenda and Billy’s,” she said calmly.
“Ethan called you?” I asked.
She nodded, and then took a seat beside me.
“So, you going to take it over?” she asked.
“Tonight?”
“Yes. I guess they are expecting you,” she said with a laugh. “Didn’t he tell you any of this?”
“I haven’t answered my phone,” I admitted.
“Why not? I thought you really liked this boy,” she asked.
I didn’t like him. I loved him. That was the problem.
“I need to forget about him. He’s gone,” I said.
“Oh, nonsense. People have long-distance relationships all the time. Now with the Internet, people date from different countries before they ever meet,” she insisted.
I chuckled at the thought of my mother knowing anything about the Internet.
“I’ll go,” I said.
She seemed pleased that I agreed. I called Brenda, asked immediately how Ethan got my mother’s number, and she laughed. “He asked for it,” she said. “Why haven’t you talked to him?” she asked.
“I’ve been busy,” I said, partially lying. I was busy, but that wasn’t the reason. Not the real reason. I needed closure, and pretending that everything was fine wasn’t closure. It wasn’t fine. My heart ached.
“You coming tonight?” she asked.
I told her I was finishing up the papers and would be over shortly. I didn’t bother to shower, or to change. I grabbed the fish when I finished my work and headed over to Brenda’s place. I didn’t want the fish. I was hoping they would take it, fry it up, and I could just stop for a burger on my way home from dropping it off.
Brenda greeted me at the door, taking the fish in the container my mom put it in. I followed her to the kitchen, ready to plead why I didn’t have time to stay when Billy pushed open the back door. “Awesome. I’ve been hearing about this damn fish for two days,” he grumbled.
“Yeah. Sorry. I was just so busy with the kids’ papers and all,” I said.
“No problem. You’re here now. Ethan can finally relax,” he laughed. “You need to call him, by the way,” he added.
He reached into the fridge and grabbed a beer. I was working on keeping my tears from falling out of my eyes as he turned around. “What’s wrong?” he asked, standing there like he’d never seen a woman cry before.
I shook my head, laughed, and wiped my face. Brenda grabbed my shoulders and spun me around toward her. “Honey, did something happen with Ethan?” she asked. “Is that why you won’t answer him?”
I sucked up my emotion, but my honesty began to overflow. I couldn’t stop myself. The words just fell out of my face without my consent. “I fell in love with him.”
Brenda stared at me like a deer in headlights. “Did you tell him?
“No. He was leaving. I just wanted to enjoy our time together.”
“You should’ve told him, sweetie,” she insisted.
“Why? He has his life, I have mine,” I snapped.
“That doesn’t mean you couldn’t make one together,” she said sternly.
“He didn’t ask me to come to California. He made it clear it was just a hook-up,” I said, turning to find Billy still standing at the fridge.
“You want a beer?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said, accept
ing the one he handed me.
The cold liquid soothed my hot throat. It helped calm my nerves, and bring me back to where I started when I arrived. “I just want you guys to have the fish fry. I don’t really feel like it,” I explained.
“Oh, hell no. If Ethan calls and finds out I let you do that, he’d never speak to me again,” Billy groaned.
“Then just tell him I stayed,” I argued.
“I’m not lying for you,” he chuckled.
“Fishermen lie all the time,” I teased.
He shook his head. “You two need to talk,” he said.
“I don’t see what there is to talk about,” I protested.
“Yeah. That’s why you need to talk,” he insisted.
Brenda pulled back to the topic of Ethan, and my feelings for him. “Are you sure you’ve fallen for him?” she asked.
I told her about how he made me feel. She listened, poured herself a glass of wine, and didn’t respond with any advice, nor any judgment. She just listened.
It felt good to get it off my chest. I’d admitted to my mom I’d fallen for him, but shut down the topic any time she’d tried to bring it up.
“I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone like Ethan ever again,” I sighed.
“Why don’t you call him?” Brenda asked.
“I don’t want to start it back up again. This feeling is painful. If he did have any feelings for me at all, it would just make it hard on him too. He wants to start a life. To settle down and meet someone. You told me that yourself,” I said. “I don’t want to stand in his way. If we are still ‘hooking up’ or even just making plans to, it could prevent him from meeting his true love.”
Brenda insisted that I call him. She told me that the only way to get true closure was to talk. I disagreed, feeling that talking would do nothing but keep the door to our hearts open, and pick the scab off the wound caused by not being together.
“I’ll stay for the fish fry. But that’s it. No more talk about Ethan,” I pressed.
