by Jim Stevens
“The fact is, there is no way that Richmond Insurance will ever pay out. The police have changed the case from accidental to murder, and the IRS and FBI are involved. Oh, what to do, what to do? And that’s pretty much brings us to the next party, which is today. Go ahead, have some cake.”
I allow my stew to simmer for a minute or two before I add a pinch of salt. “And by the way, Agent Romo had your cell phone companies list all your calls over the last few weeks. Cell phone technology is great; but also is the technology of recording which calls you made. We needed something to tie it all together and your record of calls certainly helped. I would like to thank the four of you for being on the family plan, which made it especially easy to link this all together.”
There is but one innocent face in the crowd around the table, and she speaks up. “How could you people do this?”
“He deserved it,” Doris says, as good as a confession in my book.
“If you would have had the guts to kill him,” Brewster says to Clayton, “we would have been home free.”
“What about you, studly?” Clayton snaps back to his half-brother.
“I never collected a dime,” Conway says.
“Neither did I,” Alexis says. “I did the screwing and I end up getting screwed.”
“It was all Doris’ idea,” Joan says.
“You bitch,” is Doris’ reaction.
It was only a matter of time before they all talked.
“Who was the eyewitness?” Clayton asks.
“Didn’t have one,” Norbert tells all.
“We lied,” Steve confesses.
“That isn’t fair,” Brewster says.
Augie says, “I didn’t do anything. I’m just visitin’.”
“Spoken like a true professional criminal,” I commend Augie. “Never, never admit any fault or guilt.”
Augie smiles.
“Augie, if I may offer some advice, I have gone over your rap sheet; and if you ever do get out of prison, please try another life besides crime. All in all you are a pretty lousy criminal. Not as bad as these rank amateurs, but not very good nonetheless.”
Lizzy says, “You have no physical evidence.”
“We’re getting there,” Jonas says. “And worse-comes-to- worse, we can always nail you two on grand theft.”
“It is all hearsay.” Lizzy must be studying legal terms in her spare time. “You have to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.”
“No, I don’t,” I tell her. “I could care less which of you idiots did what. My job is merely to stop the twelve million from being distributed.”
“And a job well done it is,” Tiffany calls out.
“How about me?” Christina asks. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Unfortunately, by the time they all get attorneys, this case will drag along for years.” I tell her.
Christina sinks into her chair. It has been a bad day, to say the least. I wonder if she is considering going straight?
“That’s about all for me,” I say. “I apologize if I bored any of you. By the way if you’d like a copy of the DVD of today’s show, you can ask Agent Romo, who was kind enough to tape the audio portion of the program. And don’t forget your goodie bags on your way out.”
Romo pulls out two small microphones hidden in the cake, while Norbert, Steve, Jonas, and Peter Patrolman pull out pairs of handcuffs and begin to secure the players’ hands.
Brewster finishes his beer. It is the last one he’ll be enjoying for a while. Talk about going cold turkey.
“Don’t say a word until we have a lawyer,” Doris tells her son.
“And how are we going to afford one of those?” he asks.
“Hey, stop that.” Alexis fights off Peter’s handcuffs.
“You admitted having sex for money,” Peter says.
“I didn’t get any money. Didn’t you listen?”
Peter carts her off with the rest, all of whom will fill a paddy wagon waiting downstairs.
The room is empty, the case closed-at least in my book.
Tiffany comes to my side. “That was really super, Mister Sherlock, my dad is going to be thrilled.”
“Will I get a bonus?”
“I’ll put in a good word for you.”
Well, something good happened today.
“Come on, Mister Sherlock,” she says with that youthful exuberance, “wasn’t it fun standing up there figuring it all out?”
“I would have rather been bowling.”
30
Bon appétit
Tiffany bought me lunch a week later. I showed her the postcard I received from Steve in Vermont.
“Do you think they will find where Alvin stashed his millions?”
“Someday,” I say, “and when they do they’ll confiscate the money as ill-gotten gains and put it into the state coffers, so that elected politicians can steal it legally.”
“How about the four-hundred grand?”
“Good question, Tiffany.”
“Yeah, where is it?”
“I’m waiting for you to find it.”
___
The next day, I take a trip to Bucktown and empty out my storage locker. I divide the money up carefully. Since it isn’t mine, I can be generous.
Five grand goes to Bennie, so he can finally afford to get away for a vacation. Ten goes to Clarence, aka Preston, who remains out of town and, I’m sure, out of work. I take five and hire an attorney for Alexis, who I believe is more stupid than guilty. I take a grand to Leon’s Ribs with specific instruction that two guys in a Mercedes eat “on me” until the money runs out. I pay in advance for one year of boarding at the stables. I pay my rent, alimony and child support for three months in advance. I ask for a receipt from my ex.
The rest of the money I take in grocery bags to a condo in Uptown.
“What do you want?” Christina says, seeing me at her door loaded down with shopping bags.
“May I come in?”
I enter. Christina looks like she has spent the last week crying non-stop, kinda the way I felt going through the first week of my divorce.
“Did Herman ever find any of your money?” I ask.
“Not a dime.”
To change her mood, I dump the stacks of bills on the floor. The pile reminds me of the rocks covering her dad. “Maybe this will help get you back on your feet.”
She’s in shock, holding her fist against her open mouth. “Where did you get this?”
“Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
I fold the grocery bags up, place them under my arm and leave the condo.
___
Friday afternoon, I pick up my girls from their last day at school.
“Learn anything new today?” I ask.
“Nope,” Care says.
“Kelly?”
“I took my lunch, sat at an empty table, started eating, and two of my old friends and one new came over and sat with me.”
“Bon appétit.”
The Toyota found its way back to my apartment where I cooked a turkey-surprise dinner, set it in front of my girls, who turned up their noses and said in unison, “This is gross.”
Ah, family.
Thank you for reading RELUCTANT DICK The Case of the Not-So-Fair Trader. I certainly hope you enjoyed my novel, and if you did, please let others know of your good reading fortune. A review on Amazon.com, Amazon Kindle, Goodreads.com, and/or B&N.com would be greatly appreciated. Also, if you could let your friends know via Facebook, Linkedin and Twitter, I will be forever grateful.
Jim Stevens was born in the East, grew up in the West, schooled in the Northwest and spent twenty-three winters in the Midwest. He has been an advertising copywriter, playwright, filmmaker, stand-up comedian and TV producer. To read about the next case of the reluctant dick, Richard Sherlock, contact Jim at:
[email protected]
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Table of Contents
Copyright
Dedication
1 Hit
me with your best shot
2 Who rocked the stones?
3 Tell a marketer he's dead
4 My doggone back
5 Parts is parts
6 Money dearest
7 The old block's chip
8 Feng shui your gaydar
9 Black must be the new black
10 Not a good time dad
11 Bored of trade
12 One of us deserves a night on the town
13 If you can't be good, be clever...
14 Assignment Tiffany
15 No baloney since Tuesday
16 Where truth lies
17 Never buy anything that eats
18 Bureau of incompetence
19 A Clarence in a Bird house
20 The Carlo cover-up
21 A couple rolls in reserve
22 A crack in the case
23 Exfoliate. You'll feel better
24 Bare witness
25 Pity there's no school for scoundrels
26 You'd be surprised, it happens
27 Like Prada on a purse
28 Well, I'll be doggoned
29 Order up a paddy wagon
30 Bon appétit
About the author
