by Jin Yong
"Aiyo, this is bad!" Linghu Chong called out.
Outside the chamber of the Spirit Turtle was the flying bridge, which was looking down at a ten thousand feet deep abyss. He was afraid that granny was going to hang him there. This Hanging Temple was rarely visited by people. If this granny hanged him there, it would be unavoidable that he'd starve to death. This turn of event was far from good.
That granny released him in the middle of the chamber, then she went below. Linghu Chong was lying down on the floor thinking of the background of this despicable granny. He unexpectedly couldn't think of any clue regarding her origin at all, but he conjectured that she must be a famous senior of the Heng-Shan School, someone like Yu Sao who probably attended people like Dingjing and Dingxian Shi Tai back then. As he thought till here, he felt relieved: "Since I'm the Headmaster of Heng-Shan, whatever anger she has towards me, she won't give me too much difficulty." But as he mulled over it, he thought, "I've already disguised myself like this. I'm afraid she won't recognise me. If she thought I was in collusion with Madam Zhang, deliberately dressing up like her and sneaking around in Heng-Shan. She'll definitely give me something 'special', and make me suffer even more. What a disaster."
He didn't hear the footsteps going up the stairs as that granny came back up. In her hand was a rope to tie Linghu Chong's hands and feet. She then took out a piece of yellow paper out of her bosom and stuck it on his neck. Linghu Chong was really curious to see what was written on that paper. But at this time, both of his eyes were blinded as a black cloth was put over them. Linghu Chong was thinking, "This granny is quite smart. She knows I'd want to look at that paper, but she's not giving me a look." He also thought, "Linghu Chong is a world's famous loafer so the words written on that paper must be something awful. I don't need to see them to know what they are."
He felt his wrists and ankles tightened as his body soared up high into the air. Now, he was hanging up high from the beam. This fuelled his anger even more and he started hurling abuses. He always loved to play around, but he was actually also very careful. His heart pondered, "I would never be able to escape no matter how much I swear at her. I must slowly move my inner energy to break through the acupoints, and wait till I get my sword then I'll stop her. Then I'll hang her up and hang a paper on her neck. Hmm, what should I write on that paper? World's number one evil granny! Not good calling her world's number one. She might get happy instead. I'll write 'World's number eighteen evil granny'. Let her rack her brain figuring out who those seventeen evil grannies in front of her are." He turned his head to a side to listen, but he couldn't hear any breathing at all. That granny had gone down the chamber.
After hanging up there for two hours, Linghu Chong became hungry and his stomach started growling in protest. But he was secretly happy as he had gradually broken through his blocked acupoints. Suddenly, his body swayed and he fell on the floor with a booming sound. It was that granny who had loosened the ropes tying him up, but he couldn't perceive at all when she had come back in. That granny pulled open his blindfold. However, he had not broken through the acupoint on his neck so he couldn't look down to see what was written on that paper. But he could see the last word written on that paper was the character 'granny'. He quietly called out, "This is bad!" In his heart, he was thinking that this 'granny' character she had written must be because she thought he was a woman. If she had written that he was a pervert or a loafer, it did not matter. But to regard him as a woman, then it was a really big concern for him.
He saw that granny took a bowl from the table, and he thought, "Is she giving me soup or water to drink? It's best if she's giving me wine!"
All of a sudden, his whole head was warm and he cried out, "Aiyo!" That bowl was filled up with hot water, which was now dripping from his head. Linghu Chong scolded, "Stinking granny, what are you doing?" Linghu Chong was greatly startled when he saw her took out a razor from her bosom. The next moment, he heard scraping sound and his scalp hurt a little. That granny was actually shaving his head.
Linghu Chong was alarmed and angry, he didn't know what this crazy granny was up to. Not long after, the hair on his whole head was shaved clean and he thought, "Oh well, Linghu Chong will become a monk from today. Aiyo, that's not right, I'm wearing a woman's dress so I'm going to become a nun." His heart suddenly trembled and he thought, "Yingying was joking that I should disguise as a nun. If that prophecy becomes reality, then it'll be a big disaster. Maybe this evil granny already knows who I am, and she believes that a man becoming Heng-Shan School's headmaster is very inappropriate. She might not even just shave my head, she might even... even castrate me so I'll become just like Cannot Have No Commandment. That way I won't be able to dirty the sacred ground of Buddha. This woman is so insanely loyal to Heng-Shan School, she's even willing to do anything. Aiyo, today, Linghu Chong has met with a big misfortune. 'To dominate Wulin, scatter your sword and castrate yourself', it's still best if I don't learn that Evil Resisting Sword Art."
When that granny finished shaving his head, she swept the hair on the ground. Linghu Chong believed the situation was urgent so he hastily moved his inner energy to fiercely break through his sealed acupoints. He had just felt that a few of his acupoints was loosened when suddenly his back, waist, and shoulder's acupoints were again sealed by her. Linghu Chong let out a long sigh, and he didn't even feel like swearing at that granny again.
That granny took down the paper on his neck and put it to the side. Linghu Chong took a look and saw that the words written on that paper were: "World's number one blind man, not male not female evil granny." He secretly cried out in misery, "So this granny is pretending to be deaf and mute. She actually heard everything. If not, how could she have known Monk No Commandment calling me world's number one blind man? She was probably eavesdropping when Monk No Commandment was talking to his daughter, or maybe when Yilin was talking to me. She might even be eavesdropping on both times." He cried out, "No need to pretend anymore, you're not deaf." But that granny was still not paying him any attention as she opened up his gown. Linghu Chong was startled and he called out, "What are you doing?" A ripping sound was heard. That granny had torn apart the female gown he was wearing into two and taken it down.
Linghu Chong called out in alarm, "If you injure a hair on my body, I'll make mince meat out of you." Then he thought, "She's only shaven my whole head, but how can she stop at only that?"
That granny took a small piece of grindstone, wet it, and sharpened her razor. She extended her finger to test out the razor's edge. Satisfied with its sharpness, she put it aside and took out a porcelain bottle from her bosom. On the bottle was written: 'Heavenly Connecting Glue'. When Linghu Chong was injured, he had used Heng-Shan School's medicine countless times. So he recognised the bottle without having to look at the writing on it. He also knew the other medicine called 'White Cloud Bear Gall Bladder Pill' which was used to treat internal injuries. Sure enough, that granny took out another porcelain bottle from her bosom and it was the 'White Cloud Bear Gall Bladder Pill'. That granny then took out some white cloths from inside her bosom, which were actually bandages. Linghu Chong's old wounds were already healed and he had no other new injuries. The way this granny had arranged everything, it seemed that she was going to make one or two new injuries on his body. He couldn't help sighing in misery.
Once that granny finished her preparation, she gazed at Linghu Chong. After a while, she lifted his body and put him on top of a table. Her expression was wooden once again. Linghu Chong had undergone many battles, and even when his body got injured heavily or when he was surrounded by powerful enemies, he was never afraid. But at this time, when facing an old granny, he actually felt unspeakable fear in his heart.
That granny slowly picked up the razor. Light glinted off the face of the razor. Linghu Chong's forehead was covered in cold perspiration which dripped down onto his gown. Suddenly, a thought flashed in his mind, and without thinking he blurted out, "You're Monk No Commandment's wife!"
/> That granny trembled and took a step back. "How -- Do -- You -- Know?" Her voice was dry and grating. She paused after every word, just like a kid who has just learnt to utter his first words.
When Linghu Chong said that, he had not thought of what he was saying. Now that she was asking him, he was asking himself how he knew.
"Hng," he coldly snorted. "Of course I know. I knew about it a long time ago." But in his heart, he was thinking quickly, "How did I know? How did I know? Oh, the paper she hanged on Monk No Commandment had the words: 'World's number one heartless, perverted and lascivious man'. This 'heartless' and 'perverted and lascivious' criticism, besides Monk No Commandment, the only other person who would know about it, would be his own wife." Then he loudly said, "You still care so much for that heartless, perverted, and lascivious man. Otherwise, when he hanged himself, why did you cut off the rope? When he wanted to cut his throat, why did you take away his sabre? With this kind of heartless, perverted, and lascivious man, isn't it better to just let him die?"
That granny coldly replied, "Let him -- Die -- So fast? How can -- It be -- That easy -- For him?"
"That's right," Linghu Chong replied. "Letting him worried for these last fifteen years. Searching for you from the pass all the way to Tibet, from the northern desert to the western region, searching for you in every single nunnery. But you're actually hiding here enjoying life, that can be regarded as not easy for him!"
"He -- Deserves it," that granny answered. "He's already taken me as his wife. Why -- Did he flirt with other women?"
"Who said he was flirting?" Linghu Chong inquired. "She was looking at your daughter, and he was looking at her. What's wrong with that?"
"Once you're married, looking at other women is not permitted," the granny retorted.
Linghu Chong felt this woman was very unreasonable, so he argued, "You're already married, why are you looking at other men?"
"When did I look at other men?" that granny angrily replied. "Nonsense!"
"Aren't you looking at me now? Am I not a man?" Linghu Chong replied. "Monk No Commandment only looked at some women. But you actually shaved my head off and touched it. Let me tell you, we're not related but you actually touched my skin, and violated the rules and regulations. Luckily you only touched my head and didn't touch my face, otherwise, Guanyin will definitely not spare you." He was thinking this woman rarely went out to the real world so she wouldn't understand about worldly matters. So he was trying to scare her off to avoid being cut up by her.
"I don't need to touch you to cut off your arms, legs, and head," the granny replied.
"Want to behead me. By all means, do as you please."
That granny coldly laughed. "You want me to kill you? It's not as easy as that. You now have two choices in front of you, you can choose for yourself. The first choice is for you to quickly take Yilin as your wife and stop breaking her heart. If you don't agree then I'm going to castrate you and make you become not male not female weirdo. If you don't take Yilin as your wife, then you can't marry another shameless and bad woman." She had been pretending to be deaf and mute for more than ten years already, and had not spoken for a long time. That was why her tongue wasn't fluid in the beginning, but after talking for some time, her speech was now fluent.
"Yilin is definitely a good lady, but does that make all the other ladies in this world to be a shameless and bad woman?" Linghu Chong inquired.
"Not far off, good is good no matter where they go. So do you agree or not? Quickly say it."
"Little martial sister Yilin is my good friend. If she finds out you're forcing me like this, she'll be angry."
"She'll be very happy once you've taken her as your wife," that granny said. "All her anger would be gone."
"She's a Buddhist and she's already sworn not to get married," Linghu Chong argued. "Once she's moved by worldly desires, she'll be blamed by Buddha."
"If you become a monk, Buddha won't blame her alone. Do you think I shaved your head for nothing?"
Linghu Chong couldn't help laughing out loud. "So you shaved my head wanting me to become a monk and take a nun as my wife. Your husband did this before, so you want me to learn from him."
"That's right," she answered.
"There are so many bald headed person in this world, " Linghu Chong laughingly said. "It doesn't mean you're a monk when your head is shaved."
"That can be easily fixed," that granny replied. "I'll just burn some incense marking on your head. A bald head doesn't mean you're a monk. But a bald head with some incense marking is definitely a monk." As she finished talking, she immediately wanted to take action.
"Slow down, slow down," Linghu Chong hastily interrupted. "To become a monk requires that person's willingness, how can it be forced?"
"You don't want to become a monk," that granny concluded. "Then be a eunuch."
Linghu Chong thought, "This granny is insane. She must get whatever she wants. I must delay her first." He said, "If I suddenly changed my mind to marry little martial sister Yilin after you made me a eunuch, what happens then? Wouldn't you have harmed the two of us then?"
"For us martial people, we do things openly and quickly," that granny angrily said. "Once you said what you want to do, how can you still be in two minds or change your mind? A monk then be a monk, a eunuch then be a eunuch! How can a gentleman be so loathsome?"
"Once I'm a eunuch, I'm not a gentleman anymore," Linghu Chong laughingly said.
"We're discussing a serious matter here," that granny angrily replied. "Who's joking around with you?"
Linghu Chong thought, "Little martial sister Yilin is beautiful and gentle, and she also has a deep feeling towards me. But my heart has belonged to Yingying a long time ago, so how can I just forget about that? This granny is so unreasonable. A gentleman would rather die than bend." So he said, "Granny, I want to ask you something. What do you think of a man who's not loyal to his lover and plays around with woman all the time?"
"Why do you even need to ask?" that granny questioned. "This sort of person is worse than a pig, a dog. A useless and selfish man."
"You're right," Linghu Chong agreed. "Little martial sister Yilin is beautiful and she treats me very nicely. But why didn't I take her as my wife? It's because I've already had a marriage agreement with another lady a long time ago. This lady treats me so kindly. Alright, Linghu Chong will just give you his body for you to chop up, but I won't disappoint her. If I disappoint her, won't I become the world's number one heartless, perverted and lascivious man? Then Linghu Chong would've taken Monk No Commandment's title of 'world's number one'."
"This lady, she's the devil sect's young lady Ren. She was the one who saved you when you were surrounded by the devil sect here on that day, is that right?" the granny asked.
"That's right," Linghu Chong answered. "You've seen this young lady Ren."
"That's very easy," the granny said. "I'll just ask young lady Ren to dump you, then you can say that she was heartless towards you, not you being heartless towards her. That's settled then."
"She would never dump me," Linghu Chong said. "She's willing to give her life for me, I'm also willing to give my life for her. I'll never be heartless towards her, and she'll never be heartless towards me either."
"I'm afraid matter has come to a head and it's not up to her," that granny said. "Heng-Shan Other Courtyard is full of those stinking men, she can pick any one of them and marry him."
"NONSENSE!" Linghu Chong angrily shouted.
"You're saying I can't do that?" that granny asked as she walked out the door. He heard the door to the next chamber opened, and that granny came back in again. She was carrying a woman with both her hands and legs tied. That woman was Yingying. Linghu Chong was greatly startled, he never expected that Yingying would also fall into this granny's hand. When he saw there was no injury on her body, he felt relieved.
"Yingying," Linghu Chong called out. "You've also come."
Yingying smiled and said, "I've heard everyth
ing. You said you'd never be heartless towards me, I'm very happy to hear it."
"In front of me, you're not allowed to say those shameless things!" the granny shouted. "Little miss, do you want a monk or a eunuch?"
Yingying blushed furiously and replied, "Your words are really not good to hear."
"I've thought of this carefully, I want this little kid Linghu Chong to abandon you and marry Yilin," that granny said. "But he has decided that he is not willing."
"Since the moment you open your mouth, this is the most reasonable thing I've heard," Linghu Chong loudly acclaimed.
"So I'll have to back off for a step and give in to this little kid Linghu Chong," that granny said. "I'm going to let him marry both of you. He can become a monk and marry both of you; If he were to become a eunuch, he won't be able to marry at all. But after you're married, you mustn't bully my daughter. Both of you can be on the same level, there's no need to decide who's going to be first or second. You're older by a few years only so Yilin can call you big sister."
"I..." Linghu Chong only managed to utter this word before that granny sealed his speech acupoint. That granny also sealed Yingying's speech acupoint, then she said, "I've already decided everything and I can't allow the two of you to make it go astray. I'm already letting you little monk to take two lovely and beautiful wives, what else is there to say? Hng, that bald No Commandment, how useless! Seeing his daughter getting lovesick but can't do anything. But when I get involved, everything's solved straight away." When she finished speaking, she flew out of the chamber.
Linghu Chong and Yingying were smiling bitterly at each other. They couldn't speak to each other and they also couldn't hold each other's hand. At this time, the morning sun was just beginning to ascend and its light shining in through the window. Linghu Chong squinted his eyes at her. The red candle on the table had not extinguished yet and its flame was still flickering, with its light smoke floating past Yingying's white as jade face, making her looking even more beautiful. He saw her eyes were looking at the razor on the ground, then they shifted towards the bottle and the bandages on the table, while her face was showing a mocking look. It was obvious she was teasing him: 'How dangerous, how dangerous!' But her expression quickly changed and she lowered her head with her whole face blushing red. He knew this kind of matter should not be said out loud, and it shouldn't even be thought of.
