by KE Payne
I know nothing about this!! I live such a bloody sheltered life! Why does my dad have to be an accountant? This is his fault!
Wednesday 31 January
Met up with Ben in town after school. It was okay. Ben said we ought to vary our eating experiences, so we went to Burger King this time, rather than McD’s. I didn’t really want to go out with him, but kinda felt like I ought to so I did. I think I was really off with him though—it was almost as if I couldn’t be bothered making the effort and I think it showed. Why am I such a cow?
Anyway, Ben walked me down to the fountain again to meet Dad and we kissed again. It didn’t feel any better, or any easier, and I was aware that I was standing there, stiff as a board, hating every second of it. I looked down and saw he had a bit of lettuce on his trainer, and suddenly realised that I really didn’t want to go out with him ever again.
Thursday 1 February
I lay in bed last night for ages just wondering why I felt so miserable. I was thinking about Ben and wondering why I feel so depressed when I think about going out with him. He seems nice enough, I suppose, but there’s nothing there—with me, I mean. I feel…nothing. Not a flicker of interest. Nothing. Nichts. Nada. I have no interest in him, with him, or anything about him, and it worries me that I feel like this.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me—with boys—with me with boys—with boys with me ’cos I just don’t get it! I don’t dislike boys, but they don’t do anything for me, and I would have thought considering I’m nearly seventeen, they would do something for me. Maybe I’m emotionally immature as well as frigid?
Friday 2 February
Just realised today that I’ve not heard anything from Ben since he left me at the fountain on Wednesday. Cheeky sod. I bet that bit of lettuce is still on his trainer too. I was trying to picture his face in my head when I went to bed last night. I kinda thought if I spent some time actually thinking about him, then I might feel some flicker of feelings for him, or at least kick start something—ANYTHING.
I lay there thinking about him, thinking about our dates, thinking about what we’d said, whether he’d made me laugh or feel interested and I came up with precisely…nothing. In fact, every time I closed my eyes and tried to picture him, images of J kept swimming into my head and I ended up thinking about her instead.
Great! I’m trying to have something resembling a relationship with a boy and all I can think of is a flipping girl at school who barely knows I even exist!!
Saturday 3 February
What a day!! Me and Alice went into town this morning and guess who I saw?? J!!!!!
We were just coming out of the shopping centre when I saw her going into Game Zone on the corner (does this mean J is a gamer??) So I grabbed Alice by the arm and told her I wanted to look at Wii games; Alice said, ‘I didn’t know you had a Wii,’ so I made some excuse and told her I was thinking of getting one.
So I lurked behind the games and watched J. Man, she’s gorrrrrrrgeous!! I felt a bit like a Peeping Tom, but I figured she wasn’t getting undressed or anything, she was just browsing the PlayStation games, so I felt a bit better about watching her. Then she left and started walking through town, so I followed her (trying to act all nonchalant-like, in case I aroused Alice’s suspicions). I think I managed to maintain an air of normality, despite the fact my heart was beating so hard I thought the whole street would be able to hear it! I made up some lame reason to keep walking up the street when Alice asked why I was walking so fast and ignoring all the shops. I was trying to concentrate on not losing sight of J, though, so I didn’t reply.
I so wanted J to turn round and see me. I was too shy to call her name out (she probably wouldn’t even know who I was anyway), so I watched her disappear into the cake shop on the corner and felt utterly miserable.
Still, I didn’t see her with any boy so I still hold out the hope that she doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Sunday 4 February
Replayed what had happened in town over and over in my head last night, imagining how it would have been if it had been different. I imagined me being all confident-like and calling out a breezy ‘hiya’ to her; then we’d get talking, and she’d suggest we went for a coffee (I’d lose Alice somewhere along the line). We’d get on like a house on fire; she’d find me funny and pretty and intelligent; she’d look intently at me, and cock her head at a quizzical angle, and I’d sense her wondering why it was she’d never noticed me at school before. Then we’d arrange to meet up again and…and…pffffff! It just ain’t gonna happen.
Got a text off Ben but forgot to reply. Must remember to text him in the morning—too tired now!
Monday 5 February
The gang are arranging a big girls’ night out (that is, the night will be big, not the girls, ha ha!) We thought we’d meet up in town next Saturday, late afternoon, see a movie down at the Odeon, then have a meal out afterwards. All very grown-up.
Should be good. Am looking forward to it.
Tuesday 6 February
Marcie asked today if she could bring a friend from her tutor group with her on Saturday. This is turning out to be a huuuuuuuuuuuge night out!!
Still haven’t texted Ben. Why are you such a pillock, Clem?? His feelings are probably hurt, but I really can’t bring myself to give a toss.
Wednesday 7 February
The girl Marcie wants to bring is in the same class as J! I think her name’s Rosie but I’m not sure. She’s more Marcie’s friend really. Ems wanted to bring Ryan but we pointed out, it’s a girls’ only night out—I think she was a bit peeved.
Texted Ben back (at last). Couldn’t think of anything to say really, so just said, ‘Hi—how are you?’ No reply yet.
Thursday 8 February
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my fucking God!!!!!!
J has asked if she can come out with us on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently this Rosie girl mentioned she was going out and J asked Rosie if she could come too and so Rosie asked Marcie and Marcie asked us and we all said yes!!!!!!!!!!!
Shit shit shit shit shit I’ve got nothing to wear!!! I was just going to wear my jeans and some random old top but this changes everything (J is sooooooo trendy). I need scarves! I need jewellery! I need things for my hair! Accessories, darling, accessories!
Ben asked me if I wanted to meet up on Saturday but I told him I was going out with the girls. So he asked me if I wanted to go out tomorrow instead but I said no (I have to get myself ready for Saturday). I told him I was visiting an elderly aunt tomorrow night (snigger) so I couldn’t come out. He hasn’t replied yet so hopefully I’ve put him off. Get the hint, pal!
Friday 9 February
Got all my clothes out last night and threw them onto the bed. They made a sorry sight. I’m just not that into clothes really. I spend half my time either watching TV or walking in the woods with Barbara—what’s the point of having nice clothes for that?? I’m the sort of person who, when I approach trendy clothes shops, the assistants fling themselves behind their counters, sound an ‘uncool person approaching’ siren and make the sign of the cross at me.
I like walking trousers, fleeces, trainers! They’re comfortable! I’m more As-Long-As-It-Fits Girl than It Girl.
Anyway, after much wailing and beating of chest (not literally, of course—that would be silly), I managed to cobble together something half-decent. I sooooooooo want to make a good impression on J tomorrow night.
Saturday 10 February
3 p.m.: spent the day making sure my clothes were clean, then had a bath and washed my hair. Writing this now as I’m supposed to be meeting the gang at 4 p.m. in town and I might not feel like writing when I get home. Am v.v.v.v.v. nervous. Wish me luck!!
Ben texted me to say have a good night tonight, which was nice of him.
Sunday 11 February
It’s official. I’m in love with J, like, proper l-o-v-e…not just ‘like’…but lovvvvvvvvve, and it feels great!!
Last night was amaaaaazing! We
all met up and went to see Hot Fuzz down at the Odeon. I wanted to sit next to J but ended up sitting between Caroline and Alice instead; I didn’t want to arouse any suspicion so I didn’t say anything. I could just feel her presence there, in the cinema, and that was quite enough for me! Movie was okay!
But! Then we went to the Far East restaurant next door (called F East—geddit??) and I ended up sitting next to J!!!!!!!!!!! Sneaky manoeuvre, Clem!!! Anyway, I was soooooo nervous, but I needn’t have been ’cos we got on great! I was on top form, even if I do say so myself, and was cracking loads of jokes and making everyone laugh. I just felt so happy! I was mucking about with the chopsticks and J was killing herself! Alice was a bit quiet, though: I wonder if she was unwell?
I think J could fancy me!!! We were very close all evening and she didn’t make any effort to talk to anyone else. She seemed…wrapped up in me! I wonder if I should ask her out, or is it too soon? Maybe I ought to play it cool, see how things go? Would she be cool with being asked about by a girl? Hmmm.
Anyway, I practically floated home and I haven’t stopped smiling since I got in.
I’m in love I’m in love I’m in love!!!!!!!!
Didn’t think about Ben all night. Oops.
Monday 12 February
Wicked day at school today! J found me (she came to find me!!!!!) during break and asked if I wanted to go to the canteen with her at lunchtime: well, not just me, I mean, I was with Alice, Ems, and Marcie and she asked us all, but I’m sure she was directing her question just at me. So we had lunch with her (not Alice—she said she had some work to do in the library) and I couldn’t take my eyes off her!!!! We made an arrangement to have lunch again tomorrow! It’s a…date!
Maybe soon we’ll be going on a proper date?
Was supposed to do Maths homework tonight but just wasn’t in the mood. My head’s too full of the lovely J to be bothered with such insignificant matters as x over bloody y = z!!!!
Tuesday 13 February
We had lunch with J again today and she started talking about her boyfriend.
I felt like my world had just collapsed around me. His name’s Gareth, and he goes to King Edward’s School (the nerd). I hate him.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhh!
I really thought she might like me! So what was that all about on Saturday night, then? All that interest she was showing in me? Why is it that I finally start to think she might like me the way I like her, and then I find out she has a boyfriend?
Why me??????? Why is everyone fucking-well straight? Why is it I find someone I really really like and she’s straight??? I’m sooooooo pissed off.
Texted Ben and asked him if he wanted to go out somewhere on Saturday. I figured if I go out with him loads, I might start to go off J a bit. It’s got to be worth a try, hasn’t it?
Wednesday 14 February
Valentine’s Day. Did I get a card? Like hell I did! I bet J got one from Garrrrrrreth, the cock! Even HRBH got a bunch of flowers from Ade!
Bet he nicked them from a graveyard, though.
Thursday 15 February
I’ve decided that I’m just going to be a friend to J. I’m going to stop all this shitty business and just have her as a friend—after all, that’s got to be better than nothing, hasn’t it? Anyway, this is just a phase I’m going through. Growing pains. I bet I’ll read this in a year’s time when I’m all sorted in my head and I’ll laugh about it!!
Sat next to Hannah in Maths today. She has a wicked sense of humour and was making me laugh by doing a pretend commentary on Mr. Briggs’ teaching methods (which are nonexistent!). I think I’d like to sit next to her in every lesson!
Got a Valentine’s card off Ben. He thought Valentine’s Day was the 15th, not the 14th. It had a picture of a crow (?) in a field of sweet corn, and the crow was saying ‘It’s kinda corny…’ Then inside it continued ‘…but I’m sweet on you.’
I didn’t get him a card—I hope he doesn’t mind.
Friday 16 February
Had lunch with J again. She told us that Garrrrrrrreth not only bought her a card on Wednesday, but gave her a bunch of roses and took her to Pizza Hut for a stuffed-crust extra-cheesy Milano. How cheesy is that??? While she was telling us all this, I kept telling myself she was just a friend and that I didn’t fancy her. But she has such damn nice eyes and such a sweet smile and…and…
Shit.
Saturday 17 February
Met Ben in town at lunchtime and we went to Pizza Hut. All I could think of as I was munching away on my Italiano Supremo was that J had sat with Gareth in this very same restaurant. I felt miserable then, so didn’t bother saying much to Ben. He seemed a bit grumpy with me, which only made me feel even grumpier. I ate six slices of garlic bread too, hoping that it might put him off trying to kiss me later, but no! He latched on to me round the back of the garbage bins and seemed undeterred by the whiff of garlic that, to me, was so strong it could have made a Frenchman cry.
Sunday 18 February
Went to church with Mum this morning!!!!!!!! Was wide awake at 6 a.m. and I heard Mum moving around at about seven so asked her if I could come with her. Church isn’t my thing but I kinda thought singing some happy hymns might cheer me up a bit ’cos I woke up thinking about J and it made me feel like shit.
Mum looked a bit surprised but said yes, so we walked round there together. I didn’t take communion, of course, me not being communed and all, so sat in my pew and ended up thinking about J again. Felt guilty about having Sapphic thoughts in church so switched my mind to something mundane, like the colour of our grouting in the bathroom, but no matter how hard I try not to think about her, she’s always there, lurking in the back of my mind.
Monday 19 February
J keeps having lunch with us and I can’t stand it! I can’t stand knowing that I’ll never be with her, that she’ll never feel the way I feel and that it’s just, well, hopeless! Oh, I sit there and laugh along with everyone else, but inside, my heart’s breaking and I just can’t stand it. Alice noticed I hadn’t eaten my Pringles and asked if I was feeling okay. What could I say? I just smiled and told her I was fine. I’m not.
Tuesday 20 February
Bit depressed all day. Came home and took Barbara out for a walk up the fields as that’s the only place I can think properly.
Started thinking about J and about how I’ll never be able to be with her, and wondered how I’ll ever get her out of my head. Then I thought about Ben, and about how I should be happy going out with him, but wondering why I don’t feel happy.
Sat up on the hill and looked out across the city and before I knew what was happening, I was crying. Big hot tears plopping down my cheeks. I DON’T DO CRYING!!! What is happening to me? I feel like I’m in a big black hole and I’m just waiting for someone to throw me a spade so I can get out.
Sat up on the hill until it started to get dark, then hurried home. Mum looked at me strangely when I got in (could she see that I’d been crying?) and asked me if I was okay. I soooooooo wanted to talk to her about it, but I can’t, ’cos a big part of me worries that she just won’t understand.
If I tell her I’m cut-up about someone she’ll automatically assume it’s a boy and I don’t wanna have to lie to her, but I don’t feel ready to tell her that I’m having feelings for a girl.
Anyway, how could I even begin to tell her what’s going on inside my head? I’m not even sure I really know what’s bloody well going on in my head, so how can I try and explain stuff to Mum?
So instead I just told her I was fine, and went to my room. Was too depressed to eat more than four pancakes tonight.
Got a text off Ben but couldn’t be arsed to answer it. He can wait.
Wednesday 21 February
Had the usual torture of eating lunch with J again today. Well, I say torture, but then I guess at least by having lunch with her, I do get to see her, and I figure that’s got to be better than nothing! Besides, if I suddenly don’t want to have lunch
with her, the rest of the gang will wonder why, and I’ll have to explain myself. So, to not draw attention to anything, I go along with it, even though inside I’m hurting like hell.
Caught Hannah looking at me across the table. She smiled at me when I looked back at her so I smiled at her too. She has a nice smile.
Thursday 22 February
Was walking down the corridor on my way to History when J came up behind me and put her arms around me!!!!! I jumped like a rabbit and felt myself going really red!! I wish she wasn’t so touchy-feely ’cos it drives me crazy (with desire, not madness!). If only she knew that simply being in her presence makes me hot, she’d run a mile!!
