by KE Payne
So we’re going out on a date! I, Clementine Atkins, am going on a DATE WITH HANNAH!
What a bolt from the blue!!
We’re going to meet up tomorrow afternoon, and we’re going for a pizza in town. I’m crapping myself already!!
I’ve just spent the whole evening in a daze, wondering if today really happened.
Thank God I forgot to take my Sudoku book with me!
Sunday 27 May
Hannah texted me late last night to say good night, and she put three xxx’s after her message, which she’s never done before. I liked that. A lot!
I spent the whole day in a panic, wondering if I was doing the right thing, whether it was wrong to be going out with a girl, and whether it was even more wrong to be soooooo looking forward to it! But then I figured I was so darned over the moon about everything, what was the point of spoiling such a lovely feeling by panicking?
Besides, how can something that makes you this ridiculously happy be wrong??
Anyway, I’m writing this up now (11 a.m.) so that I can hide you again, dear diary. Will tell you all tomorrow!
Monday 28 May
It’s official. I’m going out with Hannah, and I’m the happiest girl in the world! We met up outside Pizza Hut at 1 p.m. yesterday. Hannah was already waiting for me, looking absolutely gorgeous.
We had a brilliant day. Hannah insisted on paying for everything, even though I wanted to pay for all my stuff. She said, ‘You can pay next time,’ and winked. I got butterflies.
It was like we’d never really spoken before, like everything we’d done and talked about in the past had never happened. I was seeing Hannah with new eyes, and I felt so damned happy just being with her there, in Pizza Hut, amongst all the students and little kids and stuffed crusts. There was an extra frisson to everything, knowing now what we both know, knowing that we both fancy each other and that we both know that we fancy each other! It felt a bit strange at first, but so completely natural after a while.
She also told me that she’d been dropping hints for ages that she liked me, but I hadn’t cottoned on. She said, ‘Haven’t you ever noticed me looking at you at school?’ and I felt a bit of a twit, ’cos I’d thought she was trying to suss me out when she did that. She told me she’d sent me a couple of anonymous e-mails, because it was the only way she’d felt able to let me know how she was feeling, but I hadn’t replied. So Hannah was Loopy Lurve Puppy!!!
I had to go home at 8 p.m., ’cos that’s the time I’d arranged for Dad to pick me up. Hannah rang her mum and arranged to meet her at the same place that Dad was meeting me, so we walked down through town together. She held my hand as we walked; she’s held my hand loads of times before in school, walking down the corridor with the others, but it had never felt like it did when she held it last night. It was like there was this, I dunno, electricity running between us all of a sudden.
When we got to our meeting place, Dad was already there. Hannah said quietly, ‘I s’pose I can’t really kiss you, can I, with your dad sitting there?’ and I giggled. Then her mum turned up, so I said, ‘text you later,’ gave her a quick hug, got into Dad’s car, and watched as she got into her mum’s car.
I’d felt so much older, so much more mature when I’d been out with her, like a proper grown-up on a date, but the minute I walked into the lounge at home, and saw Mum and HRBH sitting there, asking me if I’d had a nice day, I suddenly felt very young again, and it was like the day had never happened. I felt really deflated, and wondered how I was ever going to keep up this pretence!!
When I went to bed, I texted Hannah straight away to make sure she’d got home okay. She asked me if I’d had a good time. I said, ‘the best time ever,’ and she sent me a message full of grinning smilies back. So, that’s it. That’s official. We’re dating, and it feels great!!!
Tuesday 29 May
Hannah texted me late last night to ask me if I still wanted to go out with her. Of course I do! She’s the funniest, funkiest, most intelligent, and darned nicest person I think I’ve ever met. I texted her back and told her all this, and two minutes later she rang me, saying she wanted to hear my voice. I sat in bed, in the darkness of my room while we whispered things to each other. It was soooooooo romantic!
Then today at school we met up at break and had a hot chocolate together. I met her by the drinks machine and felt my tummy lurch with butterflies when I saw her again. I said ‘hiya’ and she said ‘hiya’ back, and it felt a bit awkward to start with, which was daft ’cos in the three months that I’ve known her, I’ve never felt particularly awkward in her company, so why would I now? We leant against the drinks machine, just looking and smiling at each other for a bit, then she looked round to make sure no one was around and quickly touched my hand, briefly linking her fingers in mine. All awkwardness instantly disappeared!
Hannah is my girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. I’m Hannah’s girlfriend. Me, I’m her girlfriend. I still can’t quite believe it!
Holy shit! [/giddy-as-a-kipper/].
Wednesday 30 May
Spent most of today wondering how all this happened. How marvellous that she fancies me! I don’t think I’ve ever been fancied before! Ben never fancied me, I’m sure of it! She says I’m cute—no one’s ever said that before either!
Soooooooo wanted to see Hannah again today but barely saw her all day, for one reason or another. She texted me mid-afternoon to say she was thinking about me, and that she was doing a good job of pretending to act normal, when inside she was churned up with butterflies over me. Wow!
Thursday 31 May
Hannah asked me today when I first realised I was gay, and I told her I’d thought I was bent for a while, but wasn’t sure. She told me she’d known since she was about eleven and first started having feelings for girls in her class. I have to say I wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about gayness, but she seemed really okay about it, really casual. That was a bit strange!
Was too wrapped up in loopy love-bunnyness to be bothered with cross-country running this afternoon (how can I concentrate on running across muddy fields when my head is so full of Han?) so I did that thing that Barbara does when she doesn’t want to go out for a walk, and pretended that I’d hurt my leg so I was excused.
Friday 1 June
Was talking to Alice on MSN this evening and she asked me if I wanted to go to Cardiff shopping with her and her mum tomorrow. I was planning on having a whole day with Hannah, so I told her I had other plans. I think she was a bit pissed off, ’cos she logged off soon after that and didn’t come back on. Never mind, ’cos Hannah logged on soon after that and we had a reeeeeeaally rude MSN convo.
Now I’m really worried: if she can talk like that in MSN-land, what on earth can she do in real life???? She’s going to eat me alive! Ha ha ha!!
Saturday 2 June
Two days till my birthday! HRBH burst into my room this morning and told me, in no uncertain terms, that if I wanted anything from her for my birthday, I’d have to get my sorry arse out of bed and come into town with her this morning, ’cos she didn’t have the faintest idea what to get me. So that told me!
We walked down into town and I considered telling her about me and Hannah, but then thought better of it. After all, it’s still early days. And I’m a chicken!
After walking round town for, like, three hours negotiating all the tourists snapping away with their digitals, I finally plumped for this wicked black top with rips in it which clings to my top half and makes my hooters look pretty darned good. I thought Hannah would appreciate it. HRBH scoffed and said it wasn’t the baggy crap I normally wear, but bought it nonetheless. She tried to give it to me there and then in town, but I insisted she wrap it up and give it to me on Monday. HRBH tutted in only the way she can, but I didn’t care…I just thought about Hannah’s face when she sees me in my new top.
Sunday 3 June
Mum and Dad have bought the sofa! Praise the Lord! They’ve plumped for a three-piece suite from We R Sofas, or so
mewhere like that, so there are sighs of relief all round. It’s being delivered in eight weeks’ time, which means it’ll come just after we get back from France.
Monday 4 June
My seventeenth birthday!!!!! Switched my phone on first thing and lay in bed listening to it beep at me with all my birthday greetings.
Mum hugged me at breakfast and wished me ‘many happy returns,’ while Dad kissed the top of my head and said, ‘Happy Birthday, Titch.’ For my birthday I got:
New jeans, some smelly soap and a Venus razor (!) (Mum)
Take That (who???) CD and fountain pen (Dad)
Sexy black top (sister)
£20 Uncle Bob and Aunty Marie
£20 Uncle David and Aunty Alison
£10 Aunty Pam
£5 Great Aunt May
£5 gift voucher from Aunty Marge down the road, who’s not my aunty but I call her aunty anyway
Box of chocolates from next door
Kept checking my phone all the way to school, but no birthday greeting from Han. Met Alice on the way and she gave me a cute card with rabbits on (surprise, surprise) and a new pen drive for my PC, which I was really pleased with.
Didn’t see Han till History at 10:45. Some of the other girls in class wished me a happy birthday and gave me cards just as Mr. Pritchard was coming in; Han stared hard at me and hissed, ‘Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday today?’ I said, ‘I thought you knew!’ but Han just frowned and looked away, putting her attention to what was Pritchard was writing on the whiteboard. Great! I thought, I’ve only been going out with Han for just over a week and I’ve managed to piss her off already.
After the lesson I said to her, ‘I really thought you knew it was my birthday today! I thought I’d told you ages ago, before we got it together.’ She just said ‘Nuh-uh’ and shook her head. She said, ‘I feel really bad! I had no idea, and I feel crap that I didn’t get you anything. I’m sorry.’ I said, ‘It doesn’t matter, honest!’ She said, ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise,’ and ran her hand up and down my arm, which made me go all goose-pimply!
I think I’m turning into a soft romantic!!!
Anyway, apart from worrying this morning that I’d blown things with Han before they’d even started, I had a fabulous birthday. All the gang bought me lunch in the canteen, and no one grumbled when I specifically asked for gravy AND cheese on my chips! Result!!!!
When I got home, Mum had baked me a chocolate cake and put candles on it. I made some feeble comment about being too old, at seventeen, to have a cake with candles but was secretly pleased that she’d made it. When I blew out the candles, I wished that it wouldn’t be too long before me and Han got it together. I could have wished for health and happiness for my family, but noooooo. Felt a bit bad about that, so went out into the kitchen again later, lit the remaining candles that were clinging to the half-eaten cake, blew them out and wished for good things for Mum, Dad, and HRBH. Felt better!
Tuesday 5 June
Han came and found me at break and told me to meet her outside the science block at lunchtime so she could give me my birthday present. She said the science block was the best place for us to meet, ’cos it’s quiet and secluded. Then I started fretting that she was going to pounce on me and kiss me, and I worried that the schoolyard wasn’t the best place for that!
Anyway, I needn’t have worried! Han gave me my card, which had a picture of a red squirrel up a tree throwing nuts down at someone’s head; inside she’d written:
‘To the fabulous, gorgeous birthday girl with lots of love and huggles from Han.’ She’d put, like, a hundred kisses after it.
She gave me my present, which was wrapped up in red shiny paper. It was a small black jewellery box, and inside was the funkiest ring I’d ever seen (apart from Han’s skull ring). It was quite big, silver, and had a sort of black swoosh around it, rather like waves. Han told me it’s called a Bali ring. It looks very Goth, very funky, and also very expensive! I told Han it was gorgeous and that she shouldn’t have, but she just grinned at me and shrugged. She said she’d gone down into town after school yesterday especially to get me a present, and knew the second she saw the ring that I’d like it. I have to agree with her; it’s just the thing I’d like to buy myself but don’t have the guts to do. Somehow having someone buy it for me makes it all the more special. It’s too small for my middle finger, and I can hardly put it on my ring finger, so it’s sitting pretty on my right-hand ring finger and it looks soooooo cool!
Wednesday 6 June
Everyone was admiring my ring at lunch today. I told them it was a birthday present and they were all, like, ‘Wowwww, who from?’ They all said it looked pretty expensive, and when I told them Han had bought it for me, I’m sure there were some raised eyebrows among them, but maybe I was just being paranoid??
Thursday 7 June
I got sent out of French today!!! I was in a foul mood (got my period—ugh!) and when Mrs. Howells (old bag) went to collect our homework (some crap about tourism in the Alps, which we were supposed to have completed over the Easter holidays, but which I couldn’t be arsed to do), I told her I’d left mine on the bus (I walk to school—ha ha ha!!!!!!). Mrs. Howells said to me ‘Do you think I was born yesterday, Clementine?’ and I said, ‘Not unless you age at the speed of light, Miss,’ which made everyone giggle, but which got me sent out of the room for insubordination!!!!!!!!!!
When class finished, she came out to where I was slouched against the corridor wall and put on one of her concerned faces and told me ‘Not to let my work suffer just because I’d got myself a new best friend.’ I have no idea what she was talking about, but can only assume she’s jealous ’cos I’m hanging around with a damn sexy Goth—sorry, EMO—and she’s just a dried-up old prune, ha ha ha ha!!!
Friday 8 June
Was thinking about what Mrs. Howells had said to me yesterday, then felt a bit bad about what I wrote about her, so I take that back x 100,000,000. I s’pose she’s right in a way that I’ve not been concentrating so much in her class (or other classes for that matter) but that’s only ’cos I’m in lovvvvvvvvvvvvve!!! All I can think about is Han, not sodding schoolwork. I’ve made a mental note to myself to try a bit harder, though. Han’s not going to want to go out with a thicko.
Saturday 9 June
Went round to Han’s this morning and sat with her and Dan watching some channel that Han likes, called Kerrang! It’s a music channel and plays all the stuff Han’s into, like Goth, rock music type stuff. She knew all the groups that were on there, and I didn’t know any! It’s like a new world to me, and I can’t believe I’ve missed it all! I never realised what a sheltered life I’ve led until I met Han; I know nothing about this Goth world she lives in, and I feel so naïve sometimes.
Anyway, we sat and watched Kerrang! till we got bored, then at about twelve o’clock, we went down into town just to get out. We went to this Italian place with the intention of having lunch (we could have re-enacted the Lady and the Tramp scene with the spaghetti!) but when we got in there, neither of us was particularly hungry.
Han sat opposite me, gazing into my eyes, and I felt this sort of…sexual tension. She fiddled nervously with her napkin, screwing it up in her hands, then flattening it out and screwing it up again. Finally she said, ‘We’re going to have to do something about this before I pop,’ and I had to agree; I’d been sitting there looking at that lovely mouth of hers, just dying to kiss it. If I didn’t get to do it soon, I’d have gone insane!
Then Han came up with the idea of going to the toilets and doing it. We both kept a close eye on the comings and goings in the Ladies’, and when, finally, it seemed the coast was clear, we both went down to the back of the restaurant, into the Ladies’, and flung ourselves into the nearest cubicle.
I leaned against the cubicle door and looked at Han. She grinned that lazy grin of hers, grabbed me, pulled me over to her, and kissed me, and it was just as brilliant as the last time!!!!!!! I had my arms round her
waist and I felt secretly quite relieved that I could feel a pleasing amount of flesh poking out over her waistband. Thank bugger she’s not a skinny wretch! We broke away and looked into each other eyes and grinned at each other. Just as we were about to go in for the kill one more time, someone came into the cubicle next to us. We both froze and listened intently as the person unzipped their trousers and sat down, then released a soft, breezy fart which echoed embarrassingly round her cubicle and punctuated the sound of her weeing.
Han got a fit of the giggles and I kept shushing her as best I could, but it was too late—Han had gone to pieces. With tears of laughter rolling down our faces, we made a hasty escape from the toilets, walked as fast as we could back down the restaurant and out onto the street where we ran, howling, down towards the river.
We sat on a wall, overlooking the water, and I felt so damned contented. Then I started to fret that I’m a crap kisser, so went a bit quiet. Han asked me if I was okay. When I said I was, she then started to worry that I’d regretted doing it again, or that I’d been disgusted by it. Nothing could be further from the truth! It felt perfect, so right, and not disgusting at all! Just perfect. I told her I was worried that I’d been no good at kissing; I looked down at my feet and said she was the first girl I’d ever kissed. She put her arm round my shoulders and said I wasn’t to worry, ’cos I was the best girl she’d ever kissed! I was shocked. It had never occurred to me that she’d ever kissed someone before! I said (as casually as I could), ‘So I’m not the first girl you’ve kissed?’ and she said breezily, ‘No, I’ve kissed others!’ I’m gobsmacked! I suppose I should have guessed she wasn’t as inexperienced as me (no one is!), but I never thought she’d had ‘others’.
