by KE Payne
It’s such a bloody mess.
Friday 5 October
Dad’s thinking about buying a new car ’cos his is too small. He’s been round some showrooms and picked up some brochures but can’t decide what he wants. He knows he wants something bigger than the one we’ve currently got, but he doesn’t want something too big, and he doesn’t want it to be a 4x4 because ‘they guzzle fuel and only wankers drive them’. Mum said to me, ‘I thought Alice’s dad drove one?’ Enough said.
Saturday 6 October
England played Australia tonight in the Rugby World Cup. We got ourselves a takeaway curry in, draped the flag of St George over Barbara, and sat glued to every minute. We won! Mine and Dad’s voices are hoarse from shouting at the TV. Mum kept telling us that the players couldn’t hear us, so why shout at the telly? She has no idea what it’s like to be a full-throttle sports fan.
Sunday 7 October
Han came over today. We took Barbara out for a walk up in the woods and held hands when we knew we were out of sight of my house. Han told me she loved me again today and I loved it! Thought for a minute about telling her about how worried I was over Alice, but I couldn’t be arsed having to explain everything, and if I’m honest, I didn’t want to spoil what was a perfect afternoon talking about bloody Alice!
Monday 8 October
Got given loads of work to do by Mr. Harman today so went to the library at lunchtime with Han, Matty, and Caroline with the intention of starting some of it, but ended up having a paper-throwing contest behind the geography books instead!!!
I figured study can wait. I’ll only be young once!
Tuesday 9 October
Dad tried to get Mum interested in the car-buying malarkey. He showed her some from his well-thumbed brochures and she pointed at one costing £24, 000 and said she liked it. When he asked her why she liked it, she said it was because it was Pomegranate Red and she liked the idea of driving a car with pomegranate in its name. Dad just picked up the brochures and walked out of the room without another word. Poor Dad! She’d probably put a brown throw over it anyway, Pa!
Wednesday 10 October
Went up to the library in between lessons this morning to try and find a book I’ll need for some pointless essay Mrs. Schofield’s asked us to do for next Monday. Alice was sitting up there doing some work so I bit the bullet and sat next to her. She didn’t show any emotion when I sat down next to her, just kinda looked up at me then back down at her book.
I said, ‘Hiya, how’re you?’ and she said, ‘Fine.’ We sat in silence for a bit, I picked at my nails while I thought of what the hell I could say to her. In the end I just started waffling on about this essay we had to get done, and had she done any work for it, and she kinda tapped her pen irritably onto her book and said, ‘Trying to do it now, Clem,’ so I took the hint and left her again.
I stood outside the library door and wondered if I could have done anything differently, or maybe said anything differently rather than prattling on about essays, but it’s dead obvious now that no matter what I do or what I say, Alice just doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, and that makes me sad.
Thursday 11 October
Had a rude MSN convo with Han tonight when I should have been doing some work on the computer. Dad came into the room just as I was licking my way down Han’s heavenly body in cyber-space and asked me how I was coming on. How I didn’t choke on my Dr Pepper is anyone’s guess!!!
Friday 12 October
Tried to talk to Caroline about Alice today. I asked her if she thought she was okay, ’cos she seemed a bit down to me. Caroline said she hadn’t noticed, but thought maybe it was because we’re in our so-called ‘important’ year and maybe her parents were giving her grief about studying hard and stuff like that. Caroline said she was meeting Alice in town tomorrow so she’d ask her what was up. Felt a bit better.
Saturday 13 October
Woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night thinking about what Caroline had said to me yesterday. If she meets Alice today, asks what’s the matter, and tells her that I was worried about her, maybe Alice will open up and tell Caroline everything that’s happened! I don’t want that. I don’t want Alice telling Caroline anything about me, about Han, about me and Han, about me and Alice. I don’t want her to tell Caroline anything!
I was too worried about Caroline and Alice to enjoy my tea properly tonight. I kept looking at my phone, expecting Caroline to text me, wanting to know what had been going on, but then I told myself I was being ridiculous and to stop worrying. Sometimes I think I could turn worrying into an Olympic sport. I’d sure as hell get the gold!!
Sunday 14 October
Sent Caroline a text late last night asking her how she got on with Alice, ’cos I knew if I didn’t I’d just end up spending the whole night worrying about what Alice had told her. She sent me a text back about an hour later saying that she forgot all about it, and Alice was on dead good form anyway so the thought never even came into her head to ask her!!
Bloody great! So I sacrificed a plate of Korma because I was worrying so much and after everything, Caroline forgot to even sodding-well ask her!
Monday 15 October
Caroline caught up with me at lunchtime today and said sorry she hadn’t spoken to Alice. She said she rang her last night and asked ’cos she knew I was worried about her. My blood ran cold when she said that, and kinda braced myself for what Caroline was gonna say next, but she just said that Alice had said I had no need to worry about her ’cos she was fine but if I honestly wanted to know the truth, she was a bit pissed off with me ’cos I seem to spend all my time with Han now and never have any time for her.
Caroline took my hand and said she hadn’t noticed that I was spending a lot of time with Han (to my relief) and that Alice was sensitive to these things and that I shouldn’t worry so much about her.
Relief flooded through me that Alice hadn’t said anything about things and made up my mind there and then to try and talk to her again about stuff.
Tuesday 16 October
Matty is having a party in two weeks’ time for her seventeenth birthday! This is great news! The last party I went to I ended up crying after seeing J kissing Gareth (HOW long ago was that??!!), so it’ll be good to go to a party and actually enjoy myself. The fact I have a gorgeous girlfriend to take with me will just make it even better!!
Wednesday 17 October
Remembered in a blind panic that it’s Mum’s birthday tomorrow, so shot off down to town after school to buy her a present. Realised I only had a fiver left until Dad gives me my allowance, so I bought her some aromatherapy oil and a funny little contraption with wooden balls on it that she can run up and down her back to massage it. Not very exciting, I know, but it was either that or buy her a set of coasters with grinning cats on it, which was the only other thing that was £5 in the shop!!
Thursday 18 October
Mum’s birthday! I gave her her present at breakfast and she seemed pleased with it. She looked at Dad in a funny way and said he could test it out on her in the bath later, which made him drop a saucer on the floor. I don’t care for such talk at the breakfast table, regardless of whether it’s her birthday or not! It’s not nice to think that your parents are still intimate with each other, and I’m very surprised they bother with all that stuff now, especially at their age (Mum is 43 today).
Anyway, we’re going to go out for a meal to celebrate tomorrow night ’cos Mum hates going out on a school night (!!!)
Friday 19 October
We went out for Mum’s birthday meal. I wanted to bring Han, but I thought it would invite too many questions ’cos I’ve never asked if other ‘friends’ can come out with us before, so I stayed shtum.
We went to a pub near our house but got seated next to a large group of people talking louder than I personally thought was acceptable, one of whom sounded a bit like a buffalo down a mine shaft. It put me off my dinner a bit so we decided to come home via
the supermarket and picked up a dessert to eat at home, which secretly pleased Dad, ’cos it meant the pub meal was cheaper than he was expecting it to be!!
Texted Han when I got in and asked her what she’d been up to. She took ages to reply, finally texting me at eleven to say she’d been to the cinema with Ems and Matty, which gave me a brief stab of jealousy, but then I told myself I was being ridiculous. I don’t want to turn into one of them bunny boilers that you read about on the Internet, but I still went off to sleep kinda wishing that I’d gone out with them rather than out in a pub listening to some boorish bloke hollering over his chicken in a basket.
Saturday 20 October
Me and Han went into town to buy a present for Matty this morning. I had NO idea what to get her. Han told me to just get her something I’d like myself, but me and Matty are like chalk and cheese. She likes makeup, pink stuff, fluffy kittens, girly things—I don’t! I wouldn’t have a clue about makeup (unless it was black eyeliner) and any shop with pink fluffy things just makes me feel really self-conscious, so I chose a set of pens from the stationers. Han bought her a High School Musical picture frame (yuk!) and some body cream and scoffed that I was clueless about women. I told her that EVERYONE needed nice pens but she just rolled her eyes at me and disappeared into the Hallmark shop to buy a card. Matty just LOVES High School Musical (Zac Efron in particular—ew!!), so I very reluctantly bought her an HSM card. Personally, High School Musical leaves me cold; I’ve never seen the attraction in a bunch of hyped-up brats over-acting and dancing about like squirrels on speed, but there y’go.
I asked Han (casually like) if she’d had a good time at the cinema. I added (casually like, again) that she hadn’t mentioned that she was going out with Ems and Matty, and she said breezily, ‘Oh, it was a last-minute thing. You weren’t around to play with me, so I thought I’d go out and play with someone else,’ and poked her tongue out at me. She said they went to see The Bourne Ultimatum, and it was just as well I wasn’t there ’cos she’d have had to have explained the complicated plot to me. She linked her hand with mine briefly when she said this, and smiled, but she has a point. I’ve watched both The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy at least three times each, and I still don’t have a flipping clue what’s going on. Anything more complicated than the plot of Bambi and I’m lost. The Matrix? Don’t even go there! Not-a-bloody-clue.
Sunday 21 October
Great Aunt May has come to stay with us for a week. A week! She’s having her room at Autumn Leaves redecorated, so Mum’s told her to move in with us while it’s being done. If this isn’t bad enough, she’s brought Bertie her budgie with her. Gerald from the next room normally looks after him if she ever goes away, but the staff at the home thought all the men with ladders, noise, and paint fumes might distress him (Bertie, not Gerald) so he’s come with her. I loathe Bertie with a passion. If he’s not pooing everywhere, he’s twittering on the hour, every hour, which not only drives me mad, but drives Chairman Meow mad too ’cos he knows he can’t get to him. Bloody bird.
Monday 22 October
Ems had a tattoo done over the weekend!! I don’t know whether I’m jealous that she had the guts to go through with it when I didn’t, or pleased that I decided not to abuse my body [/superior/].
She showed it to us at lunchtime and I have to say it’s quite nice. She’s had a butterfly tattooed onto the back of her neck but it’s a bit difficult to tell what it actually is ’cos she told us she took the plaster off too early and woke up yesterday morning with her skin stuck to her pillow so her neck looks a bit angry at the moment.
I got a bit queasy looking at it but stuffed an emergency Werther’s Original into my mouth and felt better.
Tuesday 23 October
What an embarrassing evening! Great Aunt May started asking that perennial question about boyfriends again! She asked me at the dinner table tonight if I had a ‘young man’ (WTF??) and when I didn’t answer, Mum took it upon herself to answer for me and said that she and Dad were sure I was seeing someone ’cos I’m always checking my phone, I sometimes get flustered and leave the room when my phone rings, and I always get very coy whenever I’m on the Internet talking.
I sat there and squirmed as they all looked at me and smiled, not wanting to tell them that the only reason I go coy when I’m on the Internet is because I’m either Googling new sex positions to try out with Han, or I’m having a marathon sex chat with her, and I don’t want anyone to bloody-well see!!
Then they started going on about how ‘sweet’ young love was so I just got up and left the table. Why do they always do it? It’s soooo bloody embarrassing!
Wednesday 24 October
Han came over to ours after school tonight. Great Aunt May has only ever seen Han in her Goth clothes, so I think she was a bit more relaxed seeing her in her school uniform ’cos I heard them having a conversation in the lounge about the pros and cons of flannelette sheets, which was surreal.
Suddenly remembered the conversation they all had about boy-friends last night and couldn’t wait to get Han out of the room in case Great Aunt May started pestering her about boyfriends as well!
Thursday 25 October
School was, like, so boring today I can’t even begin to describe it! We got the dates for our French and Spanish oral exams and it threw me into a complete panic. Me and Han decided to speak only French to each other on the way home so we could practise, but got as far as the school gates and ran out of things to say to each other so reverted to English. This isn’t good. If I can’t even muster up a casual conversation with my girlfriend, how the hell am I going to be able to talk to a complete stranger under exam conditions??
Friday 26 October
No school for a week after today! As if that wasn’t fabulous enough, HRBH is going to Italy for a week with the school tomorrow, so I get seven days without her!!
I went to see a medium tonight with Mum and Great Aunt May. It was a hoot! It was one of those shows where some charlatan stands on stage and tells people that their long-ago deceased loved one has a message for them. We went along with Great Aunt May’s friend Sheila, who lives across town. She said she wanted to get in contact with her late husband, Bernard, ’cos she’d broken the remote control and she was hoping he’d be able to tell her where he’d put the spare one.
I didn’t believe a word that the medium was saying, but others there seemed to get some comfort from what she was saying. A woman across the aisle from us had to be led from the conference hall in hysterics though when the medium told her that her late sister was refusing to tell her why she left all her money to the Tiddlywinks Rest Home for Elderly Cats rather than to her, so that was a bit sad.
Great Aunt May seemed to lap it all up, and thinned her lips and tut-tutted along with Sheila when the medium told her she couldn’t raise Bernard to ask him about the remote control. I heard her telling Mum in the car going home that she wasn’t surprised Bernard didn’t appear, ’cos Sheila ‘never managed to raise him when he was alive, so she sure as hell wouldn’t be able to do it now he was six feet under’.
Texted Han when I got in and told her all about it. She sent me one back saying she wished she’d been there ’cos it sounded dead funny, but I was kinda glad she wasn’t there. The way Han dresses for a night out, the poor medium would have thought she’d personally managed to drag her direct back from the grave, and that would have given all the old dears there the right willies!
Saturday 27 October
The search for a new car is over! Dad has plumped for the Vauxhall! HRBH thinks it’s because he didn’t want to incur her wrath if he bought a Kia, but he told me in the kitchen it was because the guy at the showroom offered him £1000 more for his car than the guy at the Kia showroom, adding ‘But don’t tell your sister that’, with a wink. He’s picking it up on Thursday and he’s like a kid looking forward to Christmas!
HRBH went to Italy this afternoon so a week of peace and quiet awaits us all!!
Sunda
y 28 October
Went to Matty’s birthday party last night and had a ball! Matty’s parents had reluctantly gone out to visit friends for the evening, leaving her with strict instructions ‘not to let anything get out of hand’. I thought her dad had the look of a man condemned as he was led down the driveway and shuffled into the car by her mum, but they drove off without a backward glance, which was brave of them, I suppose.
Anyway, the party was sick! Me and Han drank too much Slovakian beer and threw caution to the wind, slow dancing with each other on the lounge floor and not caring a damn who saw us. I think I got a thrill from that, but better still, later we sneaked away to the garden and kissed under the pergola, nearly getting caught when Caroline staggered out and threw up over Matty’s dad’s geraniums. She looked at us cross-eyed and asked us what we were doing, before going visibly green and throwing up again and sitting down hard on the patio giggling to herself.
