by KE Payne
Alice said, ‘Clem, anyone who’s anyone has loads of people on Facebook. Doesn’t mean they’re cheating on their boyfriends or girlfriends.’
So then I asked her how many friends she had on it. She told me she had 465.
465!!!
How??
I felt real stupid when she asked me how many I had, and I told her I only had, like 10, then I felt even stupider when I realised what a fuss I’d been making over Han and her measly 88 friends! How is it possible for one person to have 465 friends? What does she find to talk about all the time?
I could hear Alice sighing down the phone which probably meant she either thought I was being ridiculous too, or she really didn’t want to hear about mine and Han’s tiffs, and then I heard a muffled announcement somewhere in the background on her phone and she said, ‘Clem, I gotta go. They’ve just called our flight at last.’
I wished her a Happy Christmas again, and told her not to eat too much Simnel cake, but then she told me you only eat that at Easter and I felt a bit stupid again. She said, ‘Listen, Clem, I don’t confess to know Han very well, but I’ve spoken to her enough times at school to know she’s not the most open person in the world, not the most talkative, you know?’
I said, ‘She’s an EMO, they don’t do talking,’ and Alice just said, ‘Yeah, but what I do know is that she’s nuts about you. You only have to see the way she looks at you when she thinks no one else is looking to know that. I notice these things, Clem, ’cos it’s only what I’ve done myself in the past.’
I didn’t know what to say to that so just kinda mumbled ‘Thanks’ to Alice, and remembered just what a thoroughly nice person she really is.
She said, ‘I’ve really gotta go. Have a great Christmas, Clem. I’ll be thinking of you.’
I started to say I’d be thinking of her as well, but the phone had gone dead by then, I guess either cut off or Alice had had to dash off for her flight. I dunno.
I think I felt a bit better after speaking to Alice, but I suppose I’ll feel even better still if I could shake this niggling worry from me about it all.
Sunday 23 December
Mum and Dad dragged me and HRBH over to Autumn Leaves to visit Great Aunt May today, when all I wanted to do was hang out with Han and try and get things back to normal between us.
I texted her before we went and told her I was going to see Great Aunt May and she just sent one back saying ‘’K. Have a good day.’ Nothing else. After feeling a bit more positive yesterday, I was back to feeling crap all day. Even HRBH noticed, telling me I was ‘quiet for a change. You’re usually gobbing off left right and centre. Cat got your tongue today or what?’
How could I tell her? How could I tell her that I feel sick all the time at the moment, sick with feeling like things aren’t great with me and Han? How can I tell her that all I seem to do is wait for Han to text me, then dread her texts at the same time? My sister has no idea what real love is, but I do.
Every tiny part of me loves Han, so why do I feel like crap all the time at the moment?
Monday 24 December
Christmas Eve! Texted Han first thing and asked her if I could come over later and give her her present. She texted me back and just said, ‘Sure.’
I got a sinking feeling at getting yet another short text and really didn’t know what to do. It’s our first Christmas together but there’s such a crap atmosphere between us at the moment, I just can’t enjoy the feeling of it. I should have a warm feeling of fuzziness, of seasonal cheer, but all I seem to feel at the moment is sick.
Anyway, I decided to go over to her house after lunch. I handed her the presents I’d bought her and she handed me mine and then gave me strict instructions not to poke it. I told her (probably a bit too huffily) that I was seventeen years old and had ceased to prod my presents when I was about eleven. She just smiled, kinda tightly, I thought.
Tuesday 25 December
Woke up at 6 a.m. but thought better of getting up, bearing in mind Mum didn’t get home from Midnight Communion until about 1:45 this morning. She got chatting to Brenda Shelduck in the Lady Chapel and didn’t realise the time.
Sat up in bed willing it to get lighter so I could get up and start opening some presents, but then curiosity got the better of me and I had a rifle through the pillowcase Mum had put at the foot of my bed. Remembered then that I’d put Han’s present under my bed; I wanted to open it in the privacy of my own room, just in case she’d bought me something that wasn’t fit for my parents to see, such as a poster of a comely lady showing off her bits, or some chocolate body paint or some such. I needn’t have worried though, ’cos she’d bought me the funkiest T-shirt, like, ever, a Foo Fighters CD to add to my collection, a book of funny pictures and jokes about cats, and another leather necklace, a bit like the one she brought me back from Portugal.
I lay in bed with her presents scattered across my bed and imagined her opening my presents in her room too. I wondered if she was thinking about me, then wondered if she ever thought about me like I always think about her, or didn’t she bother anymore? I got myself a bit spooked thinking stuff like that, so I texted her and wished her a Happy Crimbo and thanked her for her presents.
I was ridiculously pleased and relieved that she texted me back pretty much straight away, and kinda thought that, yeah, maybe she was lying in her room thinking about me as well, after all. She wished me ‘Happy Holidays’, which is a bit too American for my liking, but she’s an atheist so it would be just a bit hypocritical of her if she wished me anything else, I suppose. She thanked me for her presents and then just as I was texting her back to tell her she was welcome, she sent me another one, saying that she wished we could be together. My throat tightened when I read that, and suddenly really wished we were together as well.
I got up and went downstairs and opened some presents from around the tree on my own while everyone else carried on sleeping upstairs. They did eventually deign to come downstairs, just after 10 a.m., and slumped on the sofa (still in their dressing gowns, mind you) to watch some bloody awful Christmas special on the TV.
Then Han sent me another text a bit later on to tell me that she, Dan, Joe, and her dad were all waiting to go out for a walk, but her mum was holding them up ’cos she still had her hand up the turkey’s bum (stuffing it, I hope). She also said that they’d put tinsel round Toffee’s neck but were a bit worried ’cos some of the tinsel was now missing, and her dad was stressing in case they had to take her to the vet and pay extra ’cos it was Christmas Day. I looked across at Mum, Dad, and HRBH, still all in their dressing gowns, still slumped on the sofa, surrounded by wrapping paper and all yawning loudly and thought that normal families (i.e., Han’s) do normal things on Christmas Day like bracing walks in the crisp winter air. What do mine do? Sweet FA!
Anyway, after Christmas lunch, most of which I managed to force down, Mum insisted on watching the Queen’s speech like she normally does. I don’t get why she does that each year. Normally she doesn’t have time for any of the royals, but each Christmas Day, at 3 p.m. on the nose, there she is, glued to the telly, drinking in every word Her Majesty has to say like some loyal, fawning servant. Then (at bloody last!) we all took Barbara out for a long walk. I dressed her in her red bowtie and everyone we passed commented on how smart she looked!
Sent Han another text in the afternoon telling her I hoped she was having a nice day, but didn’t get a reply until gone midnight.
Went to bed not feeling too full of Christmas cheer, just too full of mince pies.
Wednesday 26 December
Woke up feeling sick, but I wasn’t sure if that was from worry or the four mince pies I had at midnight last night.
Dad went over to Autumn Leaves and picked Great Aunt May up at lunchtime. She’s staying with us just for tonight ’cos they’ve got their Christmas party there tomorrow night and she doesn’t want to miss it. It was supposed to be on the 23rd, but they had trouble slaughtering the turkey or something. I didn’t lik
e to ask.
I sent Han a text and told her Great Aunt May was coming over today and asked her if she wanted to come over as well, ’cos I know Great Aunt May really likes Han. She sent me one back and said she couldn’t come today, but could I say hi to Aunt May from her, and could she come over tomorrow instead ’cos she’d been thinking about ‘us’. My mind went into overdrive and my heart started thumping madly in my neck when I read that, so I texted her back and said, ‘What about us?’ and she just said, ‘I’ll talk to you 2moro. I’ll come over around two, okay?’
So, what the hell does that all mean? She’s going to dump me, isn’t she? Great! After telling me yesterday she wished we could be together, now she wants to finish with me.
What a shitty end to the year.
Great Aunt May gave me and HRBH our Christmas presents when she came over. She gave me a pink makeup compress and HRBH a spanner ‘for her bicycle’ (she doesn’t have one). It was nice of her, I suppose, but I was feeling so damned wretched about everything I could quite cheerfully have bashed her over the head with the spanner, old lady or no old lady.
Thursday 27 December
Couldn’t sleep a wink for worrying about everything last night, not helped at all by the bloody neighbours over the road from us having a party until God knows what hour last night.
We weren’t invited ’cos we don’t really speak to them much. Mum says they’re a bit ‘uncouth’. I asked her once what made a particular person uncouth and she sniffed and said, ‘gold jewellery and holidays in Benidorm,’ and folded her arms tight across her chest, just like Great Aunt May does when she’s talking about Ariadne Dawkins, who’s got a room down the corridor from her at Autumn Leaves, and who looks a bit like Joan Rivers’ grandmother.
Anyway, the uncouth neighbours’ party went on until 3 a.m., by which time I thought I might possibly go mad from worrying about what Han was going to say to me today. Woke up looking and feeling like crap and waited for Han to come over so she could dump me.
After not being able to eat any lunch, something that didn’t go unnoticed by HRBH, who made some flippant comment about my New Year’s resolution being too early, I went up to my room and waited for Han.
She came over around two, looking stunning as always, and after making small talk with Mum and Dad, came up with me to my room.
We sat together on my bed and she smiled at me kinda awkwardly and I waited for her to tell me she was fed up with my clinginess, fed up with all my questions and, well, just fed up with me really.
Instead, she took my hands in hers and looked at me, like, real intently and said, ‘Things have been a little, uh, how can I put it? A little strained with us, haven’t they?’
I nodded, too afraid to say anything in case I started crying.
Then she said, ‘I’ve been a bit of a shit and I’m sorry.’
I just nodded again, then I said, ‘I think it’s my fault, so I’m sorry too.’
She said, ‘Your fault?’ so I said, ‘Yeah, all that Facebook stuff I kept going on and on about, badgering you for answers.’
She grinned at me and said, ‘Yeah, and I didn’t handle it so well, so that was my fault too,’ and we both giggled.
She leant over and kissed my forehead and said, ‘I can promise you, Clemmy, there are NO exes on my Facebook. I have a grand total of two exes, neither of whom I would piss on if they were on fire. I certainly have no desire to know what either of them is doing, so why would I want them as my friends?’
I bit my lip and felt completely stupid. I just said, ‘But why were you being so secretive about it all, then?’ and she said, ‘I wasn’t being secretive, silly, I just didn’t think it was that important, and that was stupid of me. Of course it was going to be important to you. So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so flippant about it, and I’m sorry I went weird with you over it. I should have handled it better.’ She thought for a minute, then said, ‘And you know how stubborn I can be. Maybe, I dunno, maybe a part of me was deliberately not telling you stuff, just ’cos I’m a stubborn cow like that sometimes.’
I kinda shrugged and grinned sheepishly at her, then she said, ‘I swear to God, Clemmy, there’s no one on there that you have to be worried about. It’s you I want, you I love. Just you. Always has been, always will be.’
She looked at me and said, ‘Do you trust me?’ and I nodded meekly at her. Then I looked down at my hands and mumbled something about just being really scared that she was keeping stuff from me, at which point she held my face in her hands and planted kisses all over me, saying, ‘OMG, Clemmy! I didn’t realise you were so cut up about it all! If I’d known you were worrying about it I’d have talked to you more about it all! I’d have, I dunno, I’d have shown you my stupid bloody Facebook page so you could have seen for yourself!’
So I said I hadn’t wanted to say too much about it to her ’cos I was frightened she’d get annoyed, then I kinda laughed and said about how ridiculous I sounded.
Han smiled and said, ‘You have no idea, do you?’ so I said, ‘No idea about what?’
So she said, ‘No idea about just how much I love you. ’Cos I do, Clem, very much. You’re everything to me; the sun, the moon, the stars, everything. Forget anything that happened before I met you ’cos it doesn’t matter. I only started living the day you came into my life.’
When she said that I felt REAL stupid!
She’s just sent me a text tonight telling me how much I mean to her and now I’m lying in the dark just reading it over and over again, with a stupid, loved-up grin on my face.
Friday 28 December
Woke up to, like, a hundred texts from Han telling me how much she loves me and how much she needs me. Now that’s what I call a good way to start the day!
Got my appetite back (funny, that) so had a cold turkey sandwich for breakfast. HRBH made some puerile comment about my New Year’s resolution breaking already but I was way too happy to respond to her childish witterings.
Han loves me and I love Han, and there’s no greater feeling in the world (although getting my appetite back at last comes a close second!).
Saturday 29 December
Han came round after lunch and we had another heart-to-heart in my room. I told her I was sorry again, and she said she would ‘never, like, EVER do anything to hurt me’ ’cos all she wanted to do was ‘love me and look after me.’
She looked at me with more love in her eyes than I think I’d ever seen before and I felt a right prat for doubting her and getting myself so wound up over a dumb website that I’d never even heard of two months ago!
Mum was in town buying some glitter for Aunt Marie and Uncle Bob’s party on Sunday (don’t ask!) and Dad was busy down in the lounge wrestling with the fairy lights which had fused yet again, so I figured Han had said enough, and locked my door so I could make sure I could show her just how much I loved her too.
After we’d shown each other for the third time in a row and we’d finally got our breath back, Han told me I was ‘the most important person in her world, like, ever’ and I vowed never to doubt her ever again.
I tell you what, though, this bloody dating lark is tougher than I thought!
Sunday 30 December
Watched something on the news today when they do this review of everything that’s happened over the last year. I have to say, it’s been a bit boring in Britain, really. The most exciting things they could come up with was Tony Blair retiring to Barbados or wherever he’s going to disappear to, the Grumpy Gnome taking over from him, and England losing in the Rugby World Cup finals. Is this all we have to show for the last twelve months? Surely something more earth-shattering must have happened? I think if I was the telly news reader having to come in to announce that, I would have taken a sickie. Not worth getting out of bed for, that!!!
My year, on the other hand, has been pretty darned good. It’s just a pity I can’t go on the telly and tell everyone just how good it’s been, ’cos I tell you, sometimes I feel like shouting it all
to the rooftops!
Han had gone to visit some relative near London today so I was at a loose end all day. I was dead bored by the evening, despite Han sending me regular text updates, so I decided to start to think about my New Year resolutions for next year and made myself a list. They won’t last more than a week, probably, but it passed a pleasurable hour while I was waiting for Mum to serve us the remains of the Christmas turkey for tea. I resolve to:
Love Han with all my heart forever and ever (that won’t be difficult).
Think before I say anything to her about matters of the heart (she’s so sensitive).
Try and like her choice of music more (but I draw the line at Metallica).
Be more patient when Great Aunt May comes to stay.
Stop winding HRBH up over her diets.
Work hard for my exams next year.
Try to like Ryan more.
Clean Uncle Buck’s cage more often. The smell of rabbit piss makes my eyes water.
