by Tara Lain
He heard his mom giggle. “So you had to walk down the runway barefoot, wearing Dolce and Gabbana?”
The ice-cream voice answered, “Yeah, and a couple of magazines that’ll remain nameless gave D&G credit for starting a new trend, and one newspaper commented on the shape of my feet, for God’s sake.” Spicy smells made Jake’s mouth water.
“It can’t be easy, dear, having the world hanging on your every move.”
“Yeah. Funny how fame is only something you want until you have it. But actually, I was just trying to survive. Everything else happened on its own.”
“And you never feel sorry for yourself, as your tattoo says.”
He glanced at her. “How do you know about that? Did Jake tell you?”
Jake heard his name and looked around the corner at Roan taking something baked and yummy from the oven.
“No, dear. Vogue. The famous picture showing your bare back. I think I have it saved in a drawer somewhere.”
The model turned, looking amazed. “You’re kidding me!” Then he saw Jake. He started to smile but seemed to think better of it. “Hi. Your mom and I are cooking.”
Jake rounded the corner. “Smells way beyond just cooking to me. Gourmet.”
His mom came over and kissed his cheek, stretching up to reach it. “Morning, darling. Did you sleep well?”
He really tried not to glance at Roan but didn’t succeed. His lover’s face was a mask. What the hell had his mom meant by putting them in the same bed? God, what a mess of a day this was. “Yeah, Mom, thanks. I got used to the echo of Cal’s snores. It was positively restful.”
She patted his arm. “Brothers have to put up with each other, don’t they? And Roan said he slept well.”
Another glance at that perfect mask. He smiled at his mom. “Want me to set the table?”
“Yes, set the table, but first tell me how your brother is.”
“Sleeping like a baby.”
“Not what I meant, and you know it. I refrained from putting Roan on the spot, but I want to know what’s bothering Caleb.”
Jake took her shoulders. “Mom, he’s got love problems, but there’s more to it, and you need to hear it all from him. Hang in there.” He wasn’t going to out his brother. But it sure as hell was time Cal did it himself.
She shook her head while he grabbed plates and flatware and began setting places. He heard the TV. Dad must be up. So everyone was awake except the party of interest. Were he and Roan just going to sit down and have breakfast with his parents, pretending like the giant share-a-bed elephant wasn’t dominating the room? Sure seemed that way.
Breakfast turned out to be kind of fun. Jake’s dad moaned in delight over Roan’s cooking, and they all laughed over stories of the model’s exploits. Jake even threw in a few science jokes. There was tension, but Roan seemed to be enjoying himself. Made sense. The man loved family and didn’t have one of his own.
“So, Roan, you like basketball?”
Jake winced at his dad’s question, but Roan beamed. “You kidding? I have season tickets to the Knicks.” Wonders never ceased.
Burt lit up. “No shit?” He glanced at Lydia. “Excuse me, dear.”
Roan’s enthusiasm was guileless. “Yeah, maybe you’d like to go sometime? The seats are right on the floor…”
“Son, you wanna companion to any game, you sign me up. For those kinds of seats, any guy at the firehouse will sub for me. We’ve got mutual compassion where basketball is concerned.”
“I don’t know if Jake likes basketball.” Roan glanced at him.
“Yeah, I loved it as a kid, but I never get to watch games anymore because of my schedule, so I kind of got out of the basketball habit.”
His dad stood up. “We can change that right now. I recorded last night’s game, so if you two wanna watch, come on in.”
Roan glanced at Lydia, and she made a shooing motion. “Go watch, you two. Roan, you’ve done more than your share, and Jake, well, you obviously need to renew your enthusiasm for basketball.” She gave him a wink, and he felt the blush touch his cheeks. What the hell was that woman up to? Docilely, he followed the other men to the den.
Jake stared at the TV but was more fascinated by watching Roan, gentle and gay, cheering as loudly as his macho dad and practically throwing things at the flat screen whenever the Lakers scored against the Knicks. The man was at home in a way he didn’t look even in his own apartment. Love and family—clearly, that was what Roan wanted.
Burt began to fast-forward through the halftime. A big form filled the archway into the den.
“Hi.” Caleb looked red-eyed, bilious, and thoroughly embarrassed, but that didn’t cover the sadness just below the surface. “Hey, Jake, Roan, thanks for coming to get me. I really am sorry I caused everyone so much trouble.”
“Don’t worry about it, runt.” Jake pointed toward the kitchen. “Mom saved you some breakfast.”
“Uh, not so sure…”
“Hey, you’ll be sorry if you miss it. Roan made it.”
“Still…” He shook his head and then thought better of it, wincing.
Roan stood up. “Let me make you something that’ll go down without protest. C’mon.” He put a hand on Cal’s big shoulder and led him toward the kitchen.
His dad looked at Jake with concern. “Not like Caleb to get so drunk, is it?”
Jake shook his head. “No, sir. He hardly drinks. But I think he really needs to talk to you and Mom, and maybe he was trying to get up his courage.”
“Well at least for three out of four of my kids, I haven’t had to worry about you announcing you were pregnant.”
Jake grinned. “True, not the issue.”
Burt looked sideways at Jake. “Of course, he could have gotten somebody else pregnant.”
“Also not the issue.”
His dad dropped his head for a second. “I didn’t think so.”
So maybe his dad wasn’t as clueless as Caleb thought.
“Burt, Jake, come on into the living room,” Lydia called.
Burt switched off the TV that he’d had on pause and stood slowly. “Guess his Dutch courage must have worked.”
Jake walked the few steps to the living room behind his dad. Roan was sitting on a love seat by the windows, while Cal sat on the couch next to his mom, holding a glass of some questionable-looking liquid. Burt headed for his chair, settling himself. Jake paused and looked at his brother. “Hey, runt, want me and Roan to get lost?”
Cal shook his head vehemently. “No, I told Roan I want you guys here.”
Jake felt his palms begin to sweat. Clearly, today was not just about getting Cal out of the closet. The only available seat was next to Roan, and he didn’t want to make that statement, so he leaned against the wall.
His brother leaned his elbows on his knees with his shaggy head hanging. “How should I do it, Roan?” Clearly, he was turning to the one with experience.
Roan smiled. “Take a deep breath and say it.”
“I’m gay.”
His mom wrapped her arm across the broad back. “Yes, dear, and what’s making you so unhappy?”
He twisted his head sideways and looked at her quizzically. “I just told you I’m gay.”
“Yes, darling, but you’ve always been gay, and you’ve never been so unhappy before. So what’s wrong?”
Jake couldn’t help it. He laughed.
He got a stern look from Lydia for his trouble. “Jake, this isn’t a laughing matter.”
“Mom, he’s been beating himself up over the fact that he’s never told you and Dad that he’s gay. And you already seem to know it.”
“Well, I’m his mother, for crap’s sake.”
Jake laughed again. Lydia only swore under pressure.
Caleb looked up at his dad. “Did you know too, Dad?”
His dad shifted a little in his chair. He wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about his kid’s sexuality, hetero or homo, and had often ducked “those” discussions, leaving them t
o their mom. “Well, your mom and I talked about it once or twice, and I agreed that you seemed most comfortable that way. I worried that you might get discriminated against, but you gotta be true to who you are.”
Cal turned back to his mom. “How’d you know?”
“I’m more interested in talking about what’s troubling you, Caleb.”
“Just tell me, and then I’ll tell you.”
“You were always more interested in boys than girls. And besides, your nature is the closest to Jake’s.”
“What the fuck?” Jake pushed away from the wall.
“Jacob!”
“What do you mean by that, Mother?”
She looked at him as if he had just asked the strangest question. As if he should know. “Jacob, you’ve always been bisexual. When I first noticed it, I read a lot and came to understand you better.”
He spread his hands, aghast. “How could you know this when I didn’t?”
Again she gave him the amazed look. “Didn’t? Jake, Tom was your lover for over a year.”
Jake felt like she’d slapped him. “Not exactly.”
“I’m no expert on homosexual practice, dear, but I know happiness when I see it, and you were much happier with Tom than with any of the girls you dated during that time. And now you have Roan.” She smiled at the beautiful man. The mask was back. Jake wanted to escape. Run. Leave the house, the world. Shit, what was going on?
Lydia continued like her middle son wasn’t melting down. “Right now I want to know why you’re not happy, Caleb. What made you get so drunk it took three men to get you home?”
“Charlie left me.”
“Your roommate?”
“My lover.”
“Ah. Well, dear, Charlie is a nice boy.”
“He said I didn’t love him because I wouldn’t come out and tell people he was my boyfriend.”
“And is that true?”
“Yeah, I didn’t tell you or my coach or the team.”
“No, I mean is he right that you didn’t love him?”
Cal looked stunned at the thought. He cocked his head and stared at his mother. “Sure I did, uh, do. I thought I did.”
“I’m certainly not trying to talk you out of your love, Caleb, but why did you hide it? If you were proud of your relationship, wouldn’t you have told us?”
“Shit, I don’t know.”
“You and Charlie have been friends a while now. If you thought it was serious, don’t you think you would have found a way to tell your family?”
“I really liked having somebody close by to fu—uh, have sex with.”
“Well dear, having regular sex is a happy thing, not to be sneezed at. But I’ve met Charlie a few times, and while I like him as your friend, I think he may not be destined to be your life partner. He’s young. Maybe it’s appropriate that he get some more experience on this earth before he settles down. Meanwhile, you look for a relationship that offers you more of what Jake and Roan have.” She smiled at Roan, who seemed to want to run as badly as Jake. “As for telling people you’re gay, I think you define being gay, not the other way around. You’re six feet four, you like broccoli, and you prefer to have sex with men. What’s to hide?”
Caleb grabbed his mother and hugged her until Jake feared for her respiration. Jake felt like he’d been kicked in the head.
Chapter Fifteen
Roan looked sick to his stomach. Jake knew just how he felt. If he was really gay, or bisexual—whatever—wouldn’t he feel relief at knowing his parents were okay with it all? Instead, it felt like somebody stepped on his head.
Lydia rose and moved toward the kitchen. “I’m going to finish cleaning up.” She turned. “Jacob, did you want to talk to me?”
Jesus, was he five? “What about?”
“You tell me. C’mon.”
Roan stood. “I should go.”
His mom shook her head. “Unlike my son, I can’t tell you what to do, dear. But I would very much appreciate it if you would stay awhile.”
Crap. Roan sat right back down. Like his mommy told him to. They were both reverting to the womb.
As he obediently followed his mother to the old-fashioned kitchen, he heard his dad say, “You guys want to watch the rest of the game?”
And Roan, the traitor, said, “Sure, Burt, let’s watch some basketball.” This day was fucking weird.
In the kitchen, his mom starting cleaning up counters that weren’t dirty. Jake leaned against the refrigerator and practiced not looking defensive. “What d’ya want to talk about?”
His mom rinsed a couple dishes that were probably unused they were so clean. “Jacob, you were upset when I said you were bisexual. Why?”
“Because I’m not, I mean wasn’t…until Roan.”
She turned on him. “So you just thought that one day you saw this beautiful man and fell in love and suddenly became gay?”
“Not exactly, and I’m not fucking in love.”
She stepped into his space. “Jacob Martin, your capacity to fool yourself is unmatched in human history. You’ve spent all these years dating girls who didn’t suit you and denying you had any attraction to men, thereby limiting your potential partners by half.” She brandished a spoon, her voice rising. “You’ve convinced yourself that Tom was just a pal that, oh by the way, you happened to have sex with.”
“We never had sex, dammit.”
“No. What do you call it, then?”
“He used to suck—I mean give me oral sex to relax me. That’s all.”
Her mouth actually hung open. “Jacob, a man who accepts a blowjob from another man and doesn’t return it is like a man who has sex with his wife and doesn’t care if she comes. But it’s still sex!”
Who the hell was she talking to?
She didn’t let up. “And now you’re trying to tell yourself that this wonderful man who clearly loves you with his whole heart is just somebody you like to fuck!”
Jake stared at her like she was a snake that somehow ate his mother. Anger rose in his throat. He leaned into her face. “Yes, Mother, that’s exactly what I’m telling you. He’s somebody I like to fuck.”
He heard the sound behind him and didn’t want to turn around. Didn’t want to see. The gasp pulled him, and he faced Roan, who looked like someone had hit him. Hard. Shit. Jake knew who’d hit him.
How Roan got the polite words out, Jake would never know. “Thank you, Mrs. Martin. You’ve been so kind to me. William is here, and I’ll go now.”
“Oh, Roan.” She moved toward him, but he held up his hand.
“I hope I’ll see you and Mr. Martin again sometime.”
Jake watched him turn. Watched him walk into the dining room out of his sight. His chest tightened. Pain. He couldn’t breathe. He pictured Roan going out the door. Saw him driving to the city to his loft, where Jake would no longer be welcome. No Roan. He hadn’t understood. Hadn’t known what it would mean. No Roan. Over. Gone.
He looked up at his mother, who simply stared at him. Her expression was half anger and half compassion, but she said nothing. He was on his own.
No. He wasn’t alone. He had another half. Roan. The other half. The missing heart.
He didn’t know how he got to the front door. Roan was halfway down the walk to the town car. William was coming toward him, and when he saw Jake, he frowned. Clearly, Jake could expect a right hook from a very upset chauffeur. He didn’t give a shit; he deserved it. It would feel good.
His heart poured out his mouth. “Roan. Please don’t go!”
The man paused, then kept on walking.
“Please, I don’t want you to go.”
Not even a pause.
Jake jumped off the porch and raced down the walk, grabbing Roan’s shoulder. William rushed toward him, fists clenched, but Roan put up his hand, and the man backed off.
Jake softened his hold and caressed Roan’s soft hair. “Baby, please. I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to go.”
He didn’t turn. “W
hy?”
“I didn’t mean what I said. I mean, I do love to fuck you, but that’s not all. I love being with you, and talking to you, and eating your wonderful food, and sleeping next to you.”
“Why?”
Jake pulled away. Damn the man. “What do you mean why? Because you’re wonderful and smart and funny and charming.”
Finally Roan turned. “Yes, so are a lot of people. Like Emmaline, for example.”
Shit. “You can’t blame me for loving her.”
“No, Jake, I can’t. But I can keep you from using me as a convenient substitute.” He turned back toward the car.
“No, Roan. Please.” He grabbed his arm again.
This time Roan put his hand over Jake’s and pulled his fingers away. The tears flowed again. “Stop this. What the fuck do you want from me? You’ve ripped me apart, and now you want to eat the pieces. I can’t let you and still survive.”
Jake gazed into the green eyes, now tinged pink from crying. It was like some kind of fucking sunrise. What was he trying to do to his life? Live in perpetual fantasy and denial when it was clear to everyone that all he wanted or needed was right here? “I love you.”
Roan shook his head and turned away. “Give it up, Jake.”
Jake grabbed him and pulled him around and into his arms. William was serious about killing him this time, but Jake held on. “No, you’re going to listen. I know I’m a fucking idiot. That I’m an empirical researcher who lives in fantasyland. I love you. I’ve loved you since the day you sucked my cock in my hotel room in LA.”
The reply was muffled against Jake’s shoulder. “I know. But I didn’t think you ever would.”
“I don’t want to live without you because I love you.” He held his lover tight and realized that was the answer he’d been looking for. That was what he wanted forever.
William had stopped his potential assault a couple feet away. “You okay, Roan?”
He shook his head and snuffled like a little girl. “Yeah. Maybe better than ever.”
William laughed and started toward the car.
Lydia’s voice called from the porch. “No, William, come in and have some coffee.”
