Jessica may be a pain, but it’s K I’m really angry at. Feel like wringing her pretty little neck. Like she needs more attention! I know she said she did it for the money and because she wanted to help Mom, but how’s that going to work??? WHY does my sister have to be such a hopeless space cadet? Why????
4.20pm
Just had our first meeting for First Aid extra curric. Some guys from the boys’ school joined us, so it was far more interesting than I’d thought it would be. Everybody was really nervous to start off with, especially after Mrs Madikhize said we’d begin with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! She was only joking though.
Had to pair up with this grade 10 guy, Ben Gordon. He was funny and kind of sweet. Also, gorgeous. (Also, also: he was really nice to me, and I don’t think he even knows I’m K’s sister!)
8.30pm
Mom’s still sleeping, so I made us two-minute noodles for dinner. For an extra touch I grated some cheese on top – won’t win Masterchef but pretty tasty, I must say.
8.45pm
K doesn’t want to eat. She’s acting strange – earlier tonight she came into the kitchen just to give me a hug, and now she’s up in her room, listening to music and staring at the wall. If it was anyone else, I would’ve thought she was on drugs.
Maybe she’s finally cracked because of Stephanie’s bullying? Joan said it was really bad again today. Feel sorry for her but also wish she wasn’t such an oversensitive little hothouse flower.
Tuesday, 12 May
7.00am
Something’s wrong with K. She wouldn’t get up this morning – said she felt sick and was going to stay home today. Suspect she’s afraid to go to school because of all the grief she’s getting about that stupid modelling thing.
Didn’t know what to do so did nothing and left.
3.48pm
Saw Ben from First Aid on my way back from school. He smiled and waved at me from across the street, even though he was surrounded by a whole group of his friends.
Guess that means he’s found out I’m K’s sister.
4.31pm
Mom’s finally awake, but she’s spending the day in bed to recover from the weekend. Went in quickly to say hi, but she didn’t even look at me – just kept on smoking and reading Heat magazine.
6.32pm
Nasty post about K in my Facebook newsfeed. Horrible Stephanie posted a photo from K’s magazine spread with the caption: “Good thing this wasn’t a scratch-and-sniff advert!”
The post got about a billion likes. I hate people.
8.30pm
Tried to warn K about Facebook thing (she closed her account way back, for obvious reasons) but she’s being even weirder than usual. She went off on this tangent about how she’s not going to “sweat the small stuff” any more. And also about how “things aren’t always as black and white as they seem”.
Don’t have a clue what she means, but whatevs, right? At least she didn’t start crying, so that’s a first.
Wednesday, 13 May
7.15am
Dreamt of Ben the whole night. He was teaching me how to swim butterfly in our upstairs bath. Was strange and a bit disturbing – can still feel his arms around me when I close my eyes.
3.55pm
Mom finally got out of bed. She seemed a bit better at first – washed her hair and put on fresh clothes and everything. But a while ago I heard her phone her dealer, so I don’t suppose this will last.
Am going to lock myself in my room with algebra homework – Monday’s test was an absolute nightmare. Also, it will keep my mind off whatever Mom is up to.
5.15pm
Wanted to go down to the kitchen to make myself a snack when I heard K chatting to some guy! Super strange to hear her talking and laughing like a normal person – she’s always so shy and weird and awkward with other people.
Didn’t want to go in and spoil the moment for her, so I slunk back to my room without finding out who the mystery man was. Am almost dying of hunger now though, so only hope she’ll appreciate the sacrifice.
5.45pm
Oh, for crying in a BUCKET!
Went into the kitchen a while ago because I was getting curious about K’s mystery man. Only to find that it’s Joe – Mom’s DRUG DEALER.
I mean, what the FRIKKADEL?
How can K not know who he is?? She really is too clueless to LIVE.
7.33pm
Creepy dealer Joe finally left, so I went to K’s room to break the bad news to her. Only I chickened out. I just couldn’t get myself to say the actual words.
Thing is, K looked so happy for a change. And she had total mentionitis: it was “Joe this” and “Joe that” and “Joe, Joe, Joe”. I don’t know, it was like she was a completely different person, all smiling and cheerful and giggling and blushing and just . . . happy.
Anyway, I just didn’t have the heart to burst her bubble, so in the end I just said goodnight and left.
But I’ll definitely tell her tomorrow. The sooner she knows the truth about Joe the better.
Thursday, 14 May
7.55am
Mom was super nice and chirpy this morning. I think she just LOVES the fact that K likes creepy dealer Joe. She’s forever trying to get K to hang out with her friends – like she wants her approval or something – but up until now K’s always had enough sense to stay away from that rotten bunch of druggy hipsters.
Anyway the whole scene this morning was just . . . off. Like Mom was pretending we’re a perfect family from one of those lame TV shows Dad produces. She even made me a sandwich for school!
I didn’t take it though. I gave it back and told her I hate peanut butter.
4.31pm
Had First Aid after school, and at one stage we had to practise positioning our hands for the Heimlich manoeuvre. When Ben put his arms around my waist it reminded me of my dream, and I couldn’t stop blushing. It was, like, super embarrassing. But also kind of exciting, I must admit.
6.22pm
Finally got up the nerve to talk to K about creepy dealer Joe. Did not go AT ALL as planned.
Me: Dude, I’m really sorry to tell you this, but that guy you like? Mom’s friend Joe? He’s actually a drug dealer.
K: No, he’s not.
Me: Yes. He is.
K: No. He’s not. Not really. He’s just selling pills to help him pay his way through college.
Me: The pills he sells are not exactly Panados. They are Class A illegal substances. And he sells them. Which makes him a drug dealer.
K: He’s not like that. You’ll see when you get to know him.
Me: I don’t want to get to know him! He’s a drug dealer!
K: He’s not. He’s actually a really good person . . . etc, etc.
HOW CAN ANYONE ON THIS PLANET BE SO NAÏVE???
Look, I’ve always known that K is a special little snowflake, not meant for this harsh world. But I never thought she was an IDIOT before! Honestly.
8.30pm
Have thought about this now, and realise that K isn’t actually an idiot. She just has no clue what guys are about. The problem is that normal boys are too scared to come near her. The only guys who ever talk to her are those smarmy types who have far too much self-confidence. And they’re never just normal and nice to her – they’re always trying to play her in some pathetic and embarrassing way.
I wouldn’t be surprised if disgusting dealer Joe is actually the first guy in years who just sat down and had a normal conversation with her. (And he probably only did that because he’s older and he knows how to play her BETTER than most schoolboys.)
Poor K.
8.45pm
Good grief. Think I might just have convinced myself that being drop-dead gorgeous kind of sucks.
Friday, 15 May
7.15am
K’s not coming to school today – just said she couldn’t face it. I find this very worrying (K is usually dead boring about “getting a good education”) but Mom didn’t even try to make her go. She just went, “We a
ll need a break sometimes.” She said this lying flat on her back on the sofa, while Albertina cleaned up around her.
3.15pm
Got home to find creepy dealer Joe here again. Ugh. Feel sick. Spoke to him for the first time, and am now even more disgusted with K. Sure he’s handsome enough, and he’s got good manners, and he pretends to be so nice and so genuine. But he’s got the dead eyes of a fish. Why can’t she see that???
Am planning to lock myself in my room and not come out ever again.
8.15pm
K’s out with creepy dealer Joe – she left a note on the fridge. Mom’s also out somewhere. Am sitting at home watching reality TV, trying to find out what other people’s lives are like.
9.45pm
Okay, now I’m really worried. Even the Kardashians seem more loving and together than my family!
9.47pm
Wow. That may be the most depressing sentence I have ever written.
Saturday, 16 May
2.15pm
We won our first hockey game. Lisakhanya, this super-clever girl who never talks to anybody, scored two goals. Saw Ben on my way home, and he came over to talk to me. He really is gorgeous. And he’s always so nice. If I wasn’t so worried about my sister’s disastrous love life right now, I might even have fallen for him.
2.22pm
Or am I falling for him and I just don’t know it yet? Hmm. The thought is disturbing and disturbingly DELICIOUS at the same time.
4.25pm
Creepy dealer Joe here again! Found him in K’s room, deep in conversation. Almost puked a bit in my mouth when I saw he had his hand on her leg, really high up, like he owned her or something.
Honestly, I felt like grabbing both K’s shoulders and SHAKING her. Or doing something even more desperate, like phoning Dad.
Knew it wouldn’t help though, so I called Joan and asked if I could sleep over at her place tonight. Can’t stand to be in this house a minute longer.
Sunday, 17 May
NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Krystle has broken the pact! How could she? How COULD she?
Why, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, would she DO this????
I feel like my head’s going to explode. I mean, she’s SEEN what this lifestyle has done to Mom. She knows ALL ABOUT the consequences. Why would she do it? Why, why why???
Am so upset I can’t even write.
There. Are. No. Words.
6.23pm
Okay, have finally calmed down a bit. If you can call being totally FREAKED OUT and HORRIFIED calm. (You can’t.) Anyway, what happened was this:
When I got back this afternoon, Mom was still out somewhere and K was alone in her room. Thought it would be the perfect time to try and talk some sense into her. I was wrong though.
Me: Dude. You seriously need to get rid of this Joe guy. Trust me – he’s bad news.
K: You don’t even know him.
Me: I don’t need to get to know him. The guy’s a drug dealer. Spoiler Alert: Getting involved with drug dealers never works out well.
K: I told you he’s not really a dealer. He’s actually a very nice guy, who’s just selling some pills to pay his way through college . . . etc, etc.
Me: Look, I know that you’re quite comfortable living on the outer moon of the planet Zorg, but anybody who lives in the real world will tell you that you’re making a huge mistake.
K: I am living in the real world. And I do know what I’m talking about. I’ve even tried some of those pills, and they’re not actually as bad as everybody makes out.
Me: You’ve done WHAT? etc, etc.
I have to admit I was so shocked that I couldn’t make much sense of the rest of the conversation. But it basically came down to this crackerjack theory of hers that pills aren’t “real” drugs and that she’ll be okay as long as she stays away from booze or “hard” drugs.
Yeah. Like that’s going to happen while you’re DATING A FREAKING DRUG DEALER!!!
Monday, 18 May
5.01am
Woke up in a cold sweat about an hour ago and then couldn’t fall asleep again. Can’t bear to think about what K is doing. Feel so sad and betrayed and . . . devastated.
Keep on thinking of that movie Avatar that was on M-Net a while ago. That scene where that horrible corporation blew up the Hometree of the lovely blue aliens. That moment.
That shock. That overwhelming horror.
That.
4.31pm
Day passed in a blur. Got my algebra test back and it was my lowest mark ever: 48%. Normally this would’ve upset me, but I couldn’t bring myself to care – feel far worse about the fact that my sister’s life is turning to poo right before my eyes. Felt sick about it all day, actually. Literally, physically sick.
And then we had First Aid and my day got EVEN BETTER. (I mean it got worse.) Because afterwards Ben asked if he could walk home with me?!?
Can you believe the nerve? It made me so angry and depressed.
I mean, if he liked me he could have asked me for my number, and called me or texted me or something. Or he could have friended me on Facebook like a normal person. Why would he want to walk home with me, except to try and meet my beautiful model sister?
Does he think I’m stupid???
I told him that he was just another creep and that I could see right through him.
I HATE boys!!!!
5.15pm
Mom and Joe and K were all chatting cosily together in the kitchen when I got home. I turned around and walked out immediately, so now I’m sitting alone in my room, trying not to cry. And the worst thing is that I’m not even angry at K any more. I’m angry at Mom.
Mom shouldn’t have let her dealer come to our house in the first place. I know she’s an addict, but it’s still wrong. We’re her children and she shouldn’t have done that.
And also, she shouldn’t have encouraged K to hang out with creepy dealer Joe. And to sit there, talking and laughing with them! I don’t care if it’s her idea of bonding. She’s the mom, and she shouldn’t allow stuff like that. She just shouldn’t.
But that’s not really why I’m angry. I’m angry because I saw something, just now, when I walked into the kitchen.
I saw Mom’s eyes.
Mom knows that K is slipping. That’s she’s in real trouble. I could see it in her eyes. She knows.
And she’s glad.
I remember how she always used to get so mad when K tried keeping things together, by helping me with my homework, or tidying the house, or buying groceries or anything like that. She always used to scream: “Don’t think you’re better than me! You’re not better! You’re just younger.”
No wonder she’s glad. She’s glad because she’s won.
10.55pm
Am so tired that my legs are aching, but I just can’t fall asleep. Haven’t done any homework, and I can’t bring myself to care. Everything seems so pointless and so difficult and so depressing and so hard.
It’s all such a mess. Such an absolute bloody mess.
This has been the worst week of my entire life.
Fourth Link
Am I the only one who secretly thinks a zombie apocalypse would be awesome?
I mean, okay, it would be pretty awful to have millions of innocent people dying like flies all over the place – I’m not denying that. I’m not a monster. But just imagine the upside: the end of civilization.
No more school. No more family dinners. No more chores. No more global warming. No more exams. No more careers. No more politicians. No more pollution. No more fakers and posers. No more television. No more non-finite verbs and adjectival clauses. No more mowing the lawn. No more church on Sundays. No more detention. No more Facebook. No more teachers. No more homework. No more sitting around all day, pushing buttons and staring at screens and pretending that this is real life.
Instead, every day will be a test of survival and courage out in the open air – man against the elements (not to mention a murderous flesh-eating horde). And then, when the zombies
have finally died out, there will be a chance for the small band of heroic survivors to start all over, from scratch.
The world as a clean slate. Now don’t tell me that doesn’t sound –
“What are you smiling about, loser?” My stepfather interrupts, looking for a fight.
“Nothing,” I say, staring down at my plate.
I really can’t do this tonight. I just can’t.
“It looked like something to me,” he hisses, food flying in all directions. “So, what? Are you calling me a liar?”
The accusation is so absurd that I’m tempted to laugh. But one glance at my mother is enough to stop me. She’s trembling slightly, her body tense, waiting for the inevitable fight. I notice that her nails are bitten down to raw, red half-moons around her fingers, and there’s another bruise on her arm. I turn my head and I look away.
“No sir,” I say, and then I swallow hard.
For a few long seconds there’s an uncomfortable silence at the table. And then my stepfather grunts, and starts to stuff his face again, obviously more interested in his food than in fighting. At least for now. I pretend not to notice that he’s taken so much meat there’s not really enough left for my mother and me.
In this house, let me tell you, survival often means looking away. And swallowing hard. And pretending not to notice.
You get used to it after a while.
Once the zombie apocalypse begins, of course, things will be completely different. Then survival will mean fighting, and killing, and blowing stuff up and racing away in stolen cars. And you won’t have to worry about your mom’s feelings, because your stepfather will probably be one of the first to get eaten alive (the fat ones always are). And once he’s a zombie, your mom will want you to kill him – she’ll actually beg you to. And you can do it too, without getting into any trouble, because he won’t be a person any more. He’ll be a brainless, soulless member of the walking dead, and you can just smash in his head with a hammer or –
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