by Macronomicon
What the hell?
The floor lurched up beneath him, smacking into his dangling legs and knocking off his charred stump-accessory
The peg leg tumbled into the distance behind them as they zoomed into the entrance hallway.
The entrance seemed to be…swelling shut, the stone around the sides bulging outward, closing off the thin ray of daylight leading to the outside.
“Fuck that,” Jess growled, tucking in her shoulder. The Assassin was in the lead, her light clothes mostly burned away. She summoned a helmet and a shoulder guard, ramming into the narrowing entrance with everything she had.
Jessica burst through, tumbling to the ground in a shower of pink-hot shattered stone.
Brett threw Ron through the narrowing hole before charging it himself. Brett was nowhere near as small as Jessica, and with the armor he was wearing, he presented a much wider obstacle. There was little to no chance he’d be able to make it through with his own momentum.
Jeb cut off the Myst holding him aloft as they came to the closing exit and funneled his telekinetic energy into Brett’s back, shoving the soldier forward with literal tons of force, aiding his charge.
“Shit!” Brett grunted as he suddenly accelerated, slamming into the stone wall hard enough to shatter the blockage, tumbling out into the open air.
Unfortunately, no longer supported by his Myst and missing a pegleg, Jeb collapsed to his hands and knees, which immediately caught fire.
“Gah!” Jeb stared down at his bubbling hands for a timeless instant before he felt an armored arm wrap around his waist, hoist him into the air and throw him through the Brett-shaped hole.
Jeb hit the ground hard, rolling downhill and incidentally putting out his armor.
A fraction of a second later, Amanda dove through the narrowing entrance, landing on the ground with a metallic clatter.
We’re all out, Jeb thought scanning the terrain. They were somewhat charred, missing large swaths of skin and clothing, but they were all alive, thank god.
“Hot, hot!” Brett shouted, tearing his superheated armor off of him, followed by Amanda and Jess, tearing leather straps to shed armor hot enough to cook meat on.
Ron’s clothes were mostly extinguished, so the necromancer took care of his gently burning zombie. It looked more like a mummy now, honestly. The creature’s water content had been removed.
The mountain shuddered under them again.
Jeb looked down the slope and spotted one of the mountain’s ridges pull itself out of the ground, earth and stone sloughing away to reveal a titanic hand lined with molten rock.
Ah, shit. We’re not out of the woods yet.
***Casey***
“This is shitty,” Smartass grumbled, using her squirt-gun’s power-washer attachment to clean out baby Casey’s diaper. “And not just in the literal sense. When I offered to help with the baby, I was thinking of teaching her Fairy Law, or how to use Myst, not cleaning diapers.”
Casey glanced at Smartass sideways. “You do know humans don’t even learn how to speak until they’re two years old?”
Smartass gasped. “Two years? Years!?” The faerie looked down, rubbing her chin contemplatively. “Fairies know how to speak from the moment they’re born.” She looked back at Casey. “Are you sure she’s not…simple?”
“Human babies can’t speak.” Casey said, trying to maintain her patience.
Smartass jabbed her chest. “When I have larvae, you can bet your behind they’re gonna bust out the shell talking.”
“When you have larvae?” Casey couldn’t help giggling at the Fairy’s silly pose. “How old are you? two weeks?”
“A hundred and forty-seven.”
“Weeks?” Casey asked hopefully.
“Years, duh.” Smartass wiggled her head sassily.
“But you’re so…” dumb. Casey didn’t want to finish that sentiment. “Innocent.”
“Hard to lose your innocence when everyone else has the attention span of a goldfish,” Smartass said. “You know, I’m probably the smartest fairy of my generation. I can stay on task for hours, sometimes days. It’s one of the reasons they named me smartass.” She polished her fingernails on her chest.
Casey opened her mouth, looking for something to say that could dance around the fact that being called Smartass was generally not considered a good thing.
She was still looking for the words when baby Casey started fussing, wriggling around in her living swaddle.
“What’s wrong?” Casey cooed at her daughter, trying to get her to calm down. “Are you hungry? Is that it?” Casey took her baby and held her up to her chest where the greedy little munchkin would normally start sucking like a hoover, but baby Casey pushed the offered boob away, going from upset to full-on bawling.
“What is it?” Casey asked, picking her daughter up and putting her over her shoulder, patting her back. Maybe the baby needed to burp or fart or something.
Baby Casey just bawled louder, her chubby cheeks turning red.
She’s never been this bad, Casey thought, anxiety beginning to wear at the edges of her calm. According to Amanda, baby Casey was very well behaved.
Well behaved for a baby means crying only when hungry, poopy, or sleepy, so roughly six times a day, allowing time for hour long naps.
She’d never cried for no reason before.
“It’s okay, Casey,” Casey said, partially to her daughter, partially to herself. She glanced off to the side as spotted Smartass watching them with an arch look.
“Mammals,” She said, shaking her head. It was somewhat less effective as Smartass was currently cleaning off the diaper.
“Wait,” Smartass said, tilting her ear, shutting off the squirtgun. “Do you hear that?”
“Hear what?” Casey demanded. “All I can hear is this one screaming into my ear.”
R-R-R-R
An echoing rumble spread through the air, coming in under baby Casey’s screams and rising above them, until all they could hear was the shifting of earth.
Then the mountain lurched underneath them.
“This is….” Smartass cocked her head to the side, glancing down at the stone beneath them, her eyes growing wide.
“Casey, you need to fly, right now!” Smartass said, holstering her water gun and grabbing Casey on the ear, applying a torturous amount of torque.
“OW, ow, ow!” Casey said, trying not to drop her daughter as the fairy pulled her by the ear out of the renovated cave.
“Quick, deploy your wings and get some distance! The mountain is waking up!”
“I don’t have any wings, quit it!” Casey said, staggering out into the open and whapping Smartass with her free hand.
Her stumbling gait and occupied hands led to Casey tripping over her own feet, toppling forward, baby Casey shrieking as the two of them went down.
Oh god! Casey’s mind was flooded with baby brains dashed on the stone as they fell through the air.
In a timeless moment, Casey shifted her grip, grabbing the back of her daughter’s head and extending her arm straight out, halting their fall as she absorbed the inertia with her arm.
The rock cracked a little under her hand, making her palm sting.
Casey’s heart stopped for an instant before baby Casey started crying again, heedless of the near-death experience.
“God-damnit, Smartass, you could’ve gotten –“
The cave they’d been sheltering in interrupted Casey’s words with a violent explosion containing the vast majority of their personal effects sailing out into the air, trailing smoke.
Casey looked behind her and spotted a bright glow coming from the cave entrance. There was another brief flash of light, forcing her to close her eyes. She heard the sound of tearing metal, and when she opened her eyes, she saw the iron cookpot laying in front of her, with shards of jagged stone sticking out of it like shrapnel.
The pot had dived in front of her to take the hit.
“Shit!” Casey cursed, scrambling to her feet, carrying
Casey away from the volatile cave. She surveyed the mountain. All across its surface, the mountain was tearing itself apart, exposing veins of molten stone.
Smartass was right: They needed to fly.
“Mich-aaaael!” Casey shouted at the top of her lungs, diving into her Core and tearing pages out of her father’s bible in a whirlwind of power, sweeping all of it out through her channels.
They burned from the strain.
Huge arms wrapped around Casey’s waist, and her stomach sank as the ground dropped away beneath them.
***Jeb***
“Hold onto each other!” Jeb shouted as the five of them streaked down the mountainside, aiming for Casey and the baby. “If you fall, I can’t catch you!”
Jeb was lifting himself and Amanda. Brett and Jess were clinging tightly to Amanda, while Ron had a death-grip on the back of Jeb’s neck as they soared through the air. If the necromancer’s Body wasn’t so low, he’d actually be causing a problem.
The Death knight tried its best to keep up, leaping from stone to stone in pursuit of its master, but it was quickly falling behind.
“There’s the camp!” Jess said. “I don’t see Casey! All our shit’s on fire!”
A moment later, Jeb saw it too, a barren campsite filled with flaming wreckage that had been ejected from the renovated cave.
Shit, was Casey in the cave when it exploded? Jeb thought as they landed on the rapidly heating stone, braving the scorching temperature long enough to stick his face into the entrance.
“I don’t see her!” Jeb shouted over the rumbling mountain.
He glanced back and spotted Casey’s living spoon, blanket, washbasin and clothesline. They were on fire, and had gathered together to form a flaming arrow pointing to the northeast.
Jeb looked in the direction they indicated, scanning the side of the smoking mountainside, trying to pick out a young girl and baby among the geysers of smoke and flame.
“Up there!” Jess said, pointing in the same direction and up about fifteen degrees. A huge pair of brilliant white wings were flapping up and down, carrying a speck away from the mountain.
“Thanks,” Jeb said to the living utensils.
They formed into a thumbs up as they were consumed by the fire, possibly referencing Terminator 2.
Jeb's company lifted off in their awkward group hug, aiming for the distant wings. From several hundred feet in the air, it was easier to tell what was happening on the mountain.
Ridges that had previously lain dormant were now showing themselves to be the arms and legs of the Mother of All Fire Golems
MOAFG? Doesn’t really roll off the tongue. I think I’ll call her Felicia.
Felicia was waking up, and man, Felicia looked like she woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Jeb put serious speed on when he saw the legs drawing in under the enormous mountain. They were still over Felicia and they couldn’t afford to –
The sheer mass of Felicia’s movement created a tailwind that catapulted them forward, barely hanging onto each other.
Casey was coming into view, Mike’s arms wrapped around her waist, his wings struggling to keep them aloft. Now that he was bigger, it was easier to see that her guardian angel was ripped.
“Casey!” Jeb shouted, waving.
“Oh thank gawd,” Casey said, her accent slipping out as Smartass dived out of the teen’s hair and latched onto Jeb’s ear.
“I saved her life, pay up,” Smartass said, holding a tiny hand in front of his nose.
“Can it wait until after we get away from the magic mountain?” Jeb asked.
“Hmmm… Okay, but I’m going to charge fairy interest.”
Jeb was about to ask what ‘fairy interest’ was, when an explosion rattled all thoughts out of his head, forcing him to glance over his shoulder.
Felicia…was standing up.
The enormous mountain rose from the ground, centuries of dirt sloughing off the rock face to reveal a menacing visage covered with veins of glowing magma.
Felicia ugly.
I pray to god and whatever demons of hell are willing to make a bargain for my soul, Jeb thought as he saw the creature continue rising into the sky, above the tortoise, above them.
Please let that thing be on our side.
The mountainous creature paid no attention to the gnats buzzing around, its gaze fixing on something to the west.
The World Tortoise.
With a bellow that they could feel in their ribs, Felicia the Flame Mountain charged the tortoise, which was about the size of an extra-large dog in comparison.
“Holy shit,” Jeb muttered.
“Oh yeah, The Flame Titan and the Word Tortoise do not get along.” Smartass shouted over the ruckus, nodding sagely.
“When were you going to volunteer that information!?” Jeb demanded.
“What information?” Smartass asked curiously,
It didn’t take a genius to see that waking Felicia and getting her to kill the World Tortoise was the easy way to solve the Impossible tutorial.
Felicia charged forward with a roar, forest spraying out of her way like water as she charged the massive creature. The tortoise saw her coming and deployed its air-force, thousands upon thousands of vicious monsters of various shape and size.
Bugs on a windshield.
“GRAAA!” Felicia brought her fist down on top of the World Tortoise’s shell like a hammerblow, and the creature’s hind legs buckled. Another strike and the shell popped, the rear legs giving out completely.
Jebs other passengers were getting into it now, cheering Felicia on.
“Get us out of here, you gigantic bitch!” Amanda shouted over the others.
Felicia’ gigantic fists turned toward the tortoise’s skull. The World Tortoise hissed and snapped at the oversized fists coming down on it, but the bites did nothing, the fiery fist smashing the tortoise’s skull into the forest floor.
“Fuck yeah!” Jeb shouted, almost losing control over the telekinesis that kept them aloft.
Felicia didn’t stop there, she kept pounding that overgrown tortoise skull into the ground like a mad thing, creating a massive crater and drenching the nearby forest in blood and brains.
This is it! Jeb thought, hope fluttering to the surface in his chest for the first time in nearly a month. We’re out of here!
The body of the tortoise began to…glow a pale blue.
“Uh oh, what is that?” Ron muttered.
Jeb saw it too, as the light began to warp around the creature like spandex, being reeled in from every direction, while giving off that increasingly bright blue.
“What is what?” Brett asked, glancing at them.
If Brett can’t see it, it’s gotta be Myst. Jeb thought.
Power continued to gather in the Tortoise’s body even as Felicia continued diligently turning the tortoise’s head into a fine paste.
“Whatever that is, I don’t like it,” Jeb muttered.
Obviously it didn’t care if Jeb didn’t like it or not, because it kept growing until the light was blinding.
Jeb covered his eyes and looked away moments before there was a sudden spike in the light that he could see through his hand, before it died away to nothing.
When Jeb took his hands away, the World Tortoise was gone, disappearing from beneath the crushing blows of Felicia.
“Did we kill it?” Ron asked.
“If it was dead, we wouldn’t be here,” Jeb murmured. Felicia seemed to know what was going on, as the mountain stood up and charged further west, toward…
“Oh, there it is.” Casey said.
“All that Myst and it moved half a mile?” Ron wondered.
“And it’s not wounded anymore,” Jeb said, his jaw clenching. Something about this situation was striking a bad chord, sending goosebumps up the nape of his neck.
“Oh. Shit. You think it can do it again?” Ron asked.
“We’re about to find out.” Jeb replied as the mountain tackled the tortoise into
the ground, got into a mount position and started pummeling it into the dirt.
A few minutes later, the light flashed again, and there was the tortoise, in the exact same spot, unharmed.
Again it happened.
And again.
Each time the tortoise came back, their hopes sank just a little bit.
Jeb forced his way through the despair, watching closely for any hint on how to defeat the damn thing, he suddenly noticed one thing: The tortoise always respawned in the exact spot it had been standing when the Safe Zones expired, in the exact facing and posture.
Despite the torn up forest from the two giants wrestling, Jeb was able to identify the place from memory, his Nerve allowing him to precisely identify landmarks, even from a different angle.
Having learned his lesson about Fairies and their willingness to volunteer information, Jeb turned to Smartass, who was perched on his shoulder.
“Smartass, why does the World Tortoise always come back in the exact same spot?”
“The World Tortoise isn’t the biggest or strongest titan, but there’s a reason it’s never been killed. You remember the safe zone timer?”
“Yeah?” Jeb asked, his skin breaking out in goosebumps.
“Well, the timer isn’t arbitrary. That’s the amount of time it takes for the titan to create a Vitgheist.”
“A what?”
“A vitgheist?” Smartass said, peering at him quizzically. “A personal point in space time that the body and mind is restored to if it’s ever destroyed?”
“Like a save state?” Ron asked from over Jeb’s shoulder, the necromancer’s voice quavering.
“Yeah man, there you go. Whatever that is.” Smartass waved dismissively Anyway, there’s only a two week period of time in which the World Tortoise even can be killed.”
“Why didn’t you tell us that!?” Jeb demanded, glaring at the fairy a handful of inches away from his face.
“I couldn’t!” Smartass shouted back. “Everyone in the Tutorial is under a geas! You have to ask!”
“You little–!” Jess growled, tensing in Amanda’s grip.
“It’s not her fault!” Jeb interrupted before Jess could piss off their only source of information.
“When is the next two week period going to take place?” Jeb asked.
