by Macronomicon
The monsters gradually lessened, but the rumbling in the earth grew more and more intense as the mountain to the east climbed to its feet.
“GADDAM!” Freeman shouted, glancing over his shoulder as the titan rose to its feet. “Dere’s sumthin you don’t see er’dey!” Freeman grinned with a toothless chuckle as the flaming mountain charged forward and bowled the turtle over with a solid shove.
The impact sent aftershocks and a violent gust of wind all the way to where they were standing, thrashing them with loose branches and detritus.
Like someone flipped a switch, the hundreds of creatures swarming around them turned tail and retreated back to their home at full speed.
The sudden relief gave everyone a chance to sit and catch their breath while they watched the World Tortoise get squished into paste.
Crack!
Boom!
The massive landmass of a shell cracked under the titan’s furious blows that drove the tortoise deep into the ground.
Please. Please…FUCKING KILL IT THIS TIME!
Jeb’s knuckles went white as he clenched his fists, hoping with everything he had.
Let us out of here, you sick bastards.
The titan kneeled down in front of the motionless turtle and began driving its skull into the ground with two-fisted overhead blows.
Ding!
The boss of Impossible tutorial number 3773 has been defeated! Congratulations!
“YES!” Jeb pumped a fist hard enough to hurt his shoulder as news of their victory scrolled through his mind.
Tallying individual contribution…..0.4%
Closing tutorial…
ERROR.
Spacetime in conflict.
Attempting resolution…ERROR.
Attempting resolution…ERROR.
Attempting resolution…ERROR.
Attempting resolution…ERROR.
Attempting resolution…ERROR.
Attempting resolution…ERROR.
Jeb’s heart sank as the error messages kept rolling past, dozens, hundreds, thousands of error messages. Each time it said the same thing he grew a little less hopeful.
…
…….
Paradox instance overflow.
Higher Power invoked.
“HEE!” Freeman grunted, a wave of causality-bending Myst spreading out from him.
“Wha-“
Jeb’s ears popped as the air pressure shifted, the scenery subtly shifting around him. Jeb didn’t have any time to wonder why though, as a brilliant light blasted down, nearly blinding him.
“Gah!” Jeb covered his eyes and tried to get his bearings. His stomach was leaping up into his throat as he spun lazily through the air, seemingly in zero-G.
Jeb realized he was floating above the treeline, the rest of Freeman’s group looking up at him curiously. He could faintly see five other beams of light in the distance.
Jeb’s stomach lurched as someone hit the accelerator, launching him straight up into the sky.
He channeled Myst and tried to hold himself in place, pull himself out of the alien abduction beam, but his Myst was shredded the moment it left his Core, leaving him twirling through the air like an unwilling aerial acrobat. Jeb felt like hurling.
The hundreds of Mystic triggers on his person unraveled and flowed behind him in a trail of magical confetti as he was sucked upward.
Are they removing the paradox? Jeb thought to himself, heart hammering in his chest. The most obvious way to resolve the issue would be to remove Jeb from the equation and rewind a little, to before the stunt with the treasure sphincters.
If I were an alien overlord, would I leave the monkeys who broke my software alive? Probably not. Fuck me sideways.
He saw a gaping orifice for an instant before everything went black.
Chapter 23: The Winner’s Circle
“Oof!” Jeb was dashed against cold, hard ground, rolling over a couple times before coming to a halt. The floor was smooth under his skin. Matte, non-reflective black.
Still alive, Jeb thought, putting his shaking arms underneath him. Being capable of conscious thought was an excellent sign of still drawing breath.
Jeb’s stump ached like it hadn’t in weeks, his limbs were barely strong enough to pick him off the floor.
I should be stronger than this, Jeb thought as he pushed himself up, nearly toppling back to the ground as he realized his peg leg had been flung off in the tumble through the sky.
He tried to lift himself off the ground with his Myst, but Jeb’s core was no longer a burning star. It felt more like a ball of lead in his chest. Inert, heavy and cold.
Damnit, Jeb thought, sinking back down to his knees. It was easier and less humiliating than hopping in place.
Where the hell am I? Jeb thought, scanning the area. It was a featureless black void that seemed to stretch into infinity.
Did I get tossed into the Dead Zone or something?
No, that's not right.
There was something there, making Jeb’s eyes water and gum up as he tried to make sense of things his brain couldn’t fully fathom. It hurt to look at them, like ultraviolet light, causing pain but not causing his pupils to contract, because they couldn’t tell it was there.
Jeb’s heart kicked into high gear as he scanned the inky blackness and realized he was completely surrounded by these invisible things.
Is this where I get torn apart by extradimensional predators, like the langoliers or something? Jeb thought, staring hard at the invisible something directly in front of him, his heart trying to leap out of his throat.
No Myst, but maybe I can dodge the first attack and hit them with a point blank fireball...Jeb thought, his thumb turning the rangefinder on his wand as he stared straight ahead, trying to maximize the pain and discomfort in his eyes, the only sense he had of the strange things surrounding him.
If the pain fluctuated, that meant they were moving. That would be the time to dodge.
Jeb’s breath came in fits and starts as the pain slowly grew, radiating through his skull until his head felt too small to contain it all.
Jeb felt a tickle under his nose.
He smelled blood.
“Ah, but it did happen, even if it mostly didn’t.” a faint voice echoed through Jeb’s ears and mind simultaneously. It was a woman’s voice, with a strange metallic tinge to it. It tasted like motor oil.
Jeb blinked his stinging eyes as the amorphous thing in front of him gradually faded into view.
A woman, perhaps twelve feet tall, with orange skin, wearing absolutely nothing. She was more intimidating than erotic though, as she had magnificent horns resting on the top of her head, black rings around her eyes and lips, and massive streaks of a black, tar-like substance seemed to ooze from her breasts and dribble down her body, smelling of brimstone.
Her hair was composed of thick black horse-hair strands that gleamed with an oily residue.
Beside her was a pale, skeletal creature that reminded Jeb strongly of the operators in the treasure room. He was wearing rich gold and black silks that stood out against his pale skin.
The lipless creature glanced at Jeb and then above and behind him. Jeb followed the creature’s gaze and spotted more creatures sitting behind him.
A C.L.G. (Creepy Little Girl) sat on a cutesy chair, her clothes and furniture seemingly wriggling with barely contained tendrils of something not good.
There was a crag-faced man with thick scaly skin and no hair, scowling at the lipless creature over Jeb’s head.
Jeb’s attention was torn fromt eh dozen or so fantastical creatures when the lipless one spoke again.
“I agree, this may have occurred within a Pharos’ Knot, but it did happen, and frankly I’m more interested in seeing what happens if these particular humans are introduced to the world at large.” The lipless creature said.
“Should we change the name then? Inordinately Difficult doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? No, this tutorial was labeled as impossib
le because it’s never been completed.” The crag-faced man with no shirt said. “It should stay that way.”
“Besides,” the thick-skinned creature continued, pointing at Jeb, “they cheated.”
“You know as well as I do that there are no ‘rules’ to a tutorial. Only a goal and the tools to achieve it.”
“But they left the tutorial. That has to be cheating.”
“Once again, there’s never been a Law against it, because escape from the exclusion zone had never been done before. It was our failure to predict the possibility, not his.” The horned woman said, staring at the thick-skinned creature with the sharp teeth. “If there’s no Divine Law against it, it must be allowed.”
“No rule that says a dog can’t play basketball,” Jeb blurted, nerves getting the better of him.
“It can perceive us,” the C.L.G. behind Jeb said cheerfully. “Precocious little guy, isn’t he?”
The attention of no less than a dozen entities that Jeb was fairly certain could squish him like a bug were suddenly directed towards him in a focused way that made Jeb regret opening his mouth. Jeb’s teeth clicked together.
“Do you have anything to say, Jebediah Trapper?”
“If it’s not too much to ask, could I know what’s happening?” Jeb asked as politely as possible.
“You’re in between possibilities while we decide whether or not to destroy you.” The CLG said with a grin.
“It’s our job to prune the branches of fate every now and then,” The lipless creature said, looking down at Jeb. “We are deciding whether or not to allow this outlandish outcome where you successfully finished the impossible tutorial, to become reality.”
“It’s a rather juicy cloud of Fate. Most Jebediah Trappers died, after all,” The thick skinned creature said, crossing his arms, which grated against each other. “Why should we go out of our way to fix this outcome as reality when we could derive so much Impact from ending him here?”
“You’re just saying that because your pet projects performed better in different realities.”
The thick skinned creature grumbled.
A floating creature that hadn’t spoken until now raised its voice. It looked like dew on a spider-web, that glittered strangely in time with its words.
“The question you’re failing to ask is how did the paradox begin?” the dew-covered web spoke. “Paradox by definition is impossible without outside influence. While you were bickering, I traced the error back to its source. It was an information paradox, where Jebediah Trapper was informed of the existence of the treasure room by himself, who had already found it.”
“And?”
“And the first layer of the paradox was planted with powerful magic.”
The dew-web shone bright for an instant with the sound of inhaling.
“I smell Mab’s hand in this,” the creature spoke.
The mood suddenly turned dour. It was difficult to read the lipless fellow’s expressions, but the fractional narrowing of his eyes spoke volumes.
“Well, that makes this an easy choice,” The thick-skinned man said, a massive wooden branch manifesting in his hand.
The creature raised the log above his head, and Jeb got a real good view of a couple teeth embedded in the bark right before he brought it down on Jeb’s face.
Jeb flinched back and covered his head reflexively. Fat lot of good it’ll do, that thing’s the size of a tree. Jeb realized with horror that the last thought he’d ever have would be about the size of another man’s club.
“Hold!” The crude oil woman shouted, her hand interposing between Jeb and the club. “Have you forgotten so soon!?” She demanded.
Leatherface snorted. “I’d rather lose a pawn than risk giving that bitch one.”
“In light of the circumstances,” the lipless creature said. “I tend to agree with Erron. It would be safer to snuff out potential problems.”
“That’s the stance you’ve taken every time, and every time you’re made a fool of!” The oily woman said.
“Why don’t we put it to a vote, then?” The lipless creature said, glancing between the woman and the man with the club.
“Fine,” Leatherface rumbled, pulling the club away from Jeb’s face.
“I say we kill him,” He said. “Save us a lot of trouble down the road.”
“Agreed,” The dew-web chimed along with him.
“Risking allowing one of Mab’s plans to come to fruition is a needless risk. Kill him.” The lipless creature gave Jeb a glance. “Apologies.”
“This is another of her tricks to sow discord and cripple our future allies. Let him live.” The oily woman said.
“My domain is Reward. I cannot abide this man going unrewarded for his efforts in conquering the Impossible Tutorial. Let him live.” A man-shaped cloud of stardust that had remained silent until then spoke.
Jeb listened carefully, tallying like he’d never tallied before as the creatures – gods? – around him continued to vote. When it finally made it back around to the C.L.G, the vote was tied.
Jeb held his breath as his fate rested in the hands of a creepy little girl that seemed to writhe just beneath the surface.
“Well, with Kes'thuali’s vote, that makes six for destroying him,” The man with the club said, lifting his tree trunk before the CLG had even said a word.
“Let him live.”
The creatures around him froze as one, staring at the C.L.G. dumbfounded.
“You want to…not…destroy something?” The oily woman asked, frowning.
The C.L.G. slowly smiled, revealing a mouth full of needle-thin teeth, bending inward. “Why, is it not my prerogative to dole out destruction as I see fit? That should include not destroying, shouldn’t it? This seems like more fun in the long run. One way or the other.”
The giant leather-faced man growled and slammed his club into the black floor, causing it to ripple like water beneath Jeb for an instant.
“Fine! He lives! But a potential pawn of Mab’s can’t be allowed to roam around with so much Fate. Humans have no natural talent, so if we strip it from him and block him from the System, that should limit the amount of trouble he can cause.”
There was a general murmur of assent, nodding of heads all ‘round as Jeb’s gut sank. They weren’t gonna kill him, but tossing Jeb back into an earth in the middle of apocalyptic upheaval filled with superhumans was like plucking a turkey before throwing it to the wolves.
“Very well, we are in agreement that this corner of the cloud be instated as the new prime branch, and to strip the Fate from this human.” The lipless creature spoke, glancing at Jeb. “Good luck, Jebediah Trapper, and congratulations on passing the Impossible Tutorial.”
“Doesn’t really feel like I’m being congratulated, to be honest,” Jeb said, doing his best to keep the ire out of his voice.
The lipless, white-skinned man reached a gnarled finger out and poked Jeb in the forehead, dousing Jeb’s body in cold for a fraction of a second before his consciousness fled, leaving nothing but –
***Jeb***
Jeb briefly had the sensation of falling, before his back slammed into something soft. He bounced back upward, flailing, as he tried to process everything at once. A moment later he slipped off the edge of the bed and tumbled onto the ground, his nose filled with the ashy scent of cheap drive-in motel carpet.
Jeb put his shaky arms underneath him and propped himself up to his knees, glancing around.
The same motel room? he thought, scanning the room, gaze landing on Frank’s thick black glasses on the end table, ecstasy tablets right next to them... Am I back?
Was it all an ecstasy dream? Is that a thing? Maybe they got a bad pill, or somebody switched it with LSD. That makes more sense than magic, fairies, and Earth getting stitched onto another planet. I’m sure Frank will come out of the bathroom at any second with a glass of water or something.
Jeb itched his stump.
He glanced down, icy cold settling on the back of
his neck as he took in the most powerful evidence that it wasn’t a dream.
Jeb’s right foot was AWOL.
His beard was nearing a month old, his hair was shaggy and felt like dog fur, his clothes were totally different than the ones he’d been wearing at the beginning, covered in wounds and monster blood.
“Damn,” Jeb grunted, pushing himself up to his foot, looking around for something to serve as a crutch or cane.
Congratulations Earthlings! A group of humans have completed the Impossible Tutorial. The gods of Pharos are deeply impressed.
“Gah,” Jeb blinked the words out of his sight moments before another text rolled in front of his eyes.
Representatives of Mestikos are now going to stream a live interview with their leader, the man who achieved this historic event, the pinnacle of humanity.
Jeb glanced around, but didn’t see any ‘representatives of Mestikos’ there to interview him.
Suddenly an image appeared on the wall in front of Jeb.
There, displayed on the wall in front of him, was Freeman, looking distinctly uncomfortable, trying to sit in a chair that was much too small for him.
“Were m’I s’posed ta look ‘gin?” Freeman asked. “‘Dere? Dat’s a camera? Don’ look like any camera I eva’ seen.”
Jeb couldn’t help but laugh as the old man gave the camera a nervous smile, his few remaining teeth making an appearance.
Pinnacle of humanity, indeed.
The interview was colorful, and Jeb watched it while he tried to pry a pipe off the cheap headboard to use as a cane. They asked questions like, ‘what was it like’, ‘how many people were in it’, ‘where was it,’
Jeb was surprised to realize it was the first information the public had gotten about the Impossible tutorial in…ever. Which was odd, because they had people working eight hour shifts seemingly managing the tutorial.
Finally they came to the end of the interview while Jeb was wrapping a length of cloth around the top of the pipe to stop it from biting into his palm.
“So, Freeman, how did you manage to beat the impossible tutorial?” the lipless alien said, holding a gem closer to Freeman.
“Me?” Freeman asked, cocking a bushy grey brow. “Ah didn’t beat it, ah got lucky. Dere were alotta tuff sumbitches in dere, and the toughest one o’ all is de one what beat dat fools errand. Ahdunno why e’ ain’t here wit us, but de sumbitch who actually beat it, his name is –“
