“I hope I would be just as good a parent as you are,” I complimented her.
“Why don’t you have a child? You would be an excellent parent. I have watched you with kids and how you speak to mine and I think you would be a great father, both Jayson and you,” she responded.
“Actually, there is something I need to tell you,” I said, having remembered that we shared everything.
“Let me guess, you are going to have a child?” she replied, tongue in cheek.
I smiled, knowing she had already guessed. It’s a true talent of hers to correctly pick my needs, she knows me too well.
“Yes, we are working on it, we are very close.”
She got up and hugged me. She didn’t need to say anything and I sensed the happiness.
“I knew it, I knew it. How long have you been keeping it from me? Now tell me everything.”
For the next thirty minutes, Rebecca and I tucked ourselves away in our usual corner of her parents’ living room, and chattered. I filled her in and told her where we were at, explaining that I had done extensive research into surrogacy and how very close we were to selecting a clinic to work with, either in the USA or Thailand. India, too, still seemed hopeful at that point. There was much upheaval there due to the government recently outlawing the practice for homosexual couples, but the clinics’ practitioners were optimistic that the laws would change back favourably at a later stage.
We discussed the process. I told her everything at length and we kept hugging each other at various intervals, our excitement beyond measure. She understood exactly what it meant, she empathised and knew instinctively the importance of this to us. I explained that we were at the point of looking for a suitable egg from a donor bank and how far we had progressed and how challenging the task has proven to be. Once we bought the egg and selected the clinic, we would be on our way to begin the medical process early next year.
At the end of the conversation, I stared into her eyes, grabbed her hands tight and said, “I love you so much and you are very special to me. What if you give me your eggs?” The request just flew out of my mouth.
“Yes, of course I will be your baby’s mum,” she replied.
I stared at her in shock and disbelief. This amazing cousin of mine! I was so moved by what she had just said – the noble offer, the offer that has the genetic makeup of my family. Not only the genetic makeup but the fact that my baby would know his or her biological mother was priceless beyond words. I was dumbfounded, for once not knowing what to say, and burst into tears. Why had I not even thought of her, this brilliant candidate, as our donor mum? She was the perfect choice. It was a divine intervention for sure.
“I couldn’t ask that of you, Bec. It is a big thing, too much to ask for or accept,” I said, filled with emotions.
“Why not? I wouldn’t do this for anyone but you, and why can’t I give you this gift you always wanted?” She grabbed my hands tighter, a gesture that meant she was sure of the decision.
“What about your parents and Simon [her partner], what would they say, how will we explain this?” I wanted to put some sense into her.
“Let’s worry about this later. We can tell them together when the time comes. We will find a way, they will understand. Besides, this is my choice to make; it is not for them to decide what I do with my eggs.” She expressed complete confidence in her decision-making.
“You sure you want to do this? It’s not going to be easy; there will be injections, trips to the clinics, probably travel to the US or Thailand, two to three weeks of your life spent on getting those eggs out of you. You have your children to think about…I don’t feel it is fair to ask this of you, Bec,” I protested.
“Whatever it takes, I am going to be here for you both, and I want to be your donor,” she assured me. The decision was made as far as she was concerned.
We hugged each other, and I understood this was the right thing to do. Jayson and I had been given this gift, one we couldn’t refuse, this selfless offering, and one we were so blessed to receive.
I left to go home shortly afterwards; I couldn’t wait to tell Jayson, knowing he would be ecstatic. Not only does he love Rebecca, he would know this was the perfect choice for our baby’s donor mum. And I was right – Jayson was ecstatic, couldn’t understand why neither of us had thought of her, and the prospect of our child having siblings like Gracie does made us both very happy. Some things are just meant to be, unplanned and spontaneous. It was God’s intervention, guiding us on the right path. So this added a new dimension to the equation. We had our families to tell, and counselling would be needed for Simon and Rebecca, to give them the opportunity to talk through the implications, the future and her emotional state of mind before our child and potentially her attachment came into being. With a commercial donor egg, there’s no emotional connection. How would Rebecca feel seeing “her child” and not being its main parent?
At that point, I didn’t know much of what was involved for Rebecca, except that she would need to undergo a form of treatment before the eggs would be extracted, a possible three-week process. It was a significant contribution on her part and I worried it would be difficult, considering her three young children. I also worried about her state of mind, especially given that she had just gone through a divorce. But I would speak to Sam and ask his advice on exactly what the process would entail for her.
If my cousin was to be our egg donor, all we needed to do now was find ourselves a reputable clinic and the hospital would help us find the right surrogate mother to begin the task of becoming dads. It felt like we were well and truly on the way.
10
Surrogacy Australia
On Monday 12 November 2013, we met Sam Everingham at his office in the North Shore suburb of Neutral Bay, a posh and sophisticated area of Sydney. It was six weeks to Christmas and we had set ourselves a target to secure the clinic and agent before the festive season.
His secretary ushered us into his office where we saw a photograph of him with his twins in a gilded Tiffany’s framed picture, looking like a proud father. Sam had a glow to him. He was warm, kind and sincere with an adept way of reassuring you and making you feel everything was under control. We laughed at the stories he told of his little ones and he was eager to get us started so we ourselves could experience this ultimate joy.
“It won’t be long before you are sitting here in my shoes,” he said confidently.
On my lap was my file containing all my notes and research. In the hour we were there, we discussed at great length the process and worked out timelines with the idea of starting fertility treatment in Thailand for Rebecca, followed by a surrogacy arrangement.
Since the day we started looking into surrogacy outside Australia, the law that prohibited surrogacy in New South Wales kept playing in my mind. I was petrified, mostly because I hadn’t figured out how to get around it. We had a rather big issue on our hands because whatever we would attempt to do, especially of such a nature, there was bound to be some form of exposure and we would be easy targets for the press and media. We had to be extremely careful how we dealt with this. Today’s meeting was to further discuss the current law and the implications. We wanted to know where we stood. We have always been law-abiding citizens and now, according to New South Wales law, it seemed we were entering into an arrangement which we could well be penalised for.
“I am really happy you both have come to me. As you know, I have firsthand experience with surrogacy arrangements. Today, I’d like to help you clarify anything you want to know about surrogacy. My most important mission is for you both to understand fully what you are going to enter into and my aim is for you to leave here feeling comfortable that you are in good hands.” He spoke calmly.
“This is why we are here, Sam. We thank you for your guiding hands,” I replied. Sam was “Surrogacy Australia” himself. When we started off in India, we wished there was someone along the way to guide us. It would have saved us a lot of time and money.
/> “We want to discuss Thailand with you and start the process early next year. Jayson and I are unsure about entering into any surrogacy arrangements of a commercial nature. We fear the law and its repercussions on us with Jayson being a media figure. We are worried about the implications.” My fear was apparent.
“Well, firstly, a commercial surrogacy arrangement is an arrangement that involves the provision of a fee, reward or other material benefit or advantage to a person. When you agree to enter into a surrogacy arrangement of that nature, you are technically breaking the law. When you make payment to the surrogate mother that is beyond the recovery of her medical costs, it is considered to be a commercial surrogacy arrangement and I am afraid this is also illegal within most Australian states and territories. Altruistic surrogacy, on the other hand, is when the surrogate mother does not make a profit. Instead, you might reimburse her for the cost of reasonable medical legal and other surrogacy-related expenses like time off work, screening, counselling and travel.”
It seemed to me that he had memorised this from a page he had cited before. Jayson seemed confused already and I understood that I would be explaining the last piece of advice to him in great length later.
But it was rather plain and simple because our surrogacy arrangement was not a commercial surrogacy arrangement if the only fee, reward or other material benefit or advantage provided was the reimbursement of a birth mother’s surrogacy costs. This was what we must do with our surrogate mother in Thailand.
“We were thinking of starting this ASAP and we are aiming to be in Thailand by early next year; does that give us enough time?” Jayson asked.
“Yes. I can introduce you to Kay. She would be your Bangkok agent,” he said, adding she was the best in the business and had been operating on the ground with people mostly from Australia for quite some years now. Kay ran her own agency and would be responsible for the whole process from start to finish, including looking after the surrogate’s interest throughout the pregnancy.
I enquired about the surrogacy agreement between us and the surrogate mother. Sam confirmed that Kay would provide a binding contract in both Thai and English, which the biological father would enter into.
“Which one of you will it be?” he asked.
“Jayson,” I replied.
“You will be pleased to know that the clinic’s surrogate mothers Kay recommends are screened for infectious diseases. They undergo psychological testing before becoming surrogates,” he said, adding that most if not all live with their families during the nine months’ gestation. It is a much better option for them because they can receive physical and psychological support from their families. They usually come from middle- to lower-middle-class families.
We told him that my cousin Rebecca had offered to be our egg donor and he said she would have to travel there with us, and stay for about three to four weeks. She would undergo a process where the eggs are extracted from her after three weeks of egg stimulation injections. The process of extraction is quick and usually done at the clinic after necessary steroid injections are administered.
“You could do the prep work here, meaning administering the injections here, but it is a more costly exercise here in Australia. This is the primary reason why Australians are going to Thailand for IVF; it’s about a third less of the cost you would pay here.” He further advised that Kay is the honest sort where there would be no hidden fees. Some Thai agents are notorious for giving a cheaper price and screwing you later when you get to Bangkok.
I was more concerned if Rebecca could do this or spend that much time away from her kids, so I suggested Thailand during the school holidays so my aunt could look after Rebecca’s kids, allowing her the time.
“When is school holidays, do you know?” Jayson asked.
“Around April next year, after fashion week. This timing could work well for us.”
“That leaves us about four months to get cracking. It’s doable. I will make the introductions with Kay by email when we finish here today.”
“What is the ballpark figure it will cost us from start to finish?” I had to ask.
“About seventy k for everything, I would say, realistically.” His estimation included travelling to Thailand several times, Aaron and Jayson’s Moët style. He had already guessed what kind of people we were.
“Any of you good at keeping track of accounts?”
“Yes, Aaron is, he is a maestro with figures,” Jayson joked.
Sam reminded us he could not provide legal advice but, based on the government’s clear unwillingness to police surrogacy, he didn’t think it would be a problem as long as we were moderately discreet about details. We had to bear in mind that the New South Wales law prohibits overseas commercial surrogacy. However, many children are born via overseas surrogacy each year and their intended parents have not been penalised for any of the undertakings.
“The law is there to discourage you. Last year alone, around seven hundred babies were born out of surrogacy and no one has been fined or imprisoned for this,” he added.
“Then why is it so difficult to start a conversation here in Australia?” I asked.
“Well, there are no laws yet to protect intended parents here. You can certainly try to locate a surrogate in Australia. There are online forums dedicated specifically to women wanting to be surrogates. However it is difficult.” In altruistic surrogacy, the surrogate mother can be compensated for out-of-pocket expenses, meaning insurances, medical fees, food, accommodation, that kind of thing, you understand the drift. “She must do it out of the goodness of her heart.”
“You think there will be any complications bringing our baby back from Thailand? We don’t want to be stopped at customs in Sydney.”
“You will be fine flying directly to Sydney. Customs here are not interested in surrogate babies, and passport control is a federal issue, not a state one. You will find the embassy very helpful. Keep them on your good side and be transparent with them; don’t hide or provide false information.”
“Tell them everything?”
“Yes, tell the embassy everything. To bring your child back to live in Australia you will need to apply for Australian citizenship by descent and also for an Australian passport for the child. A child born outside Australia as a result of a surrogacy arrangement is eligible for Australian citizenship by descent if, at the time of their birth, they had a parent who was an Australian citizen. I believe you are both Australian citizens?” Sam asked.
“Jayson is and I am about to become one soon,” I replied.
“Since Jayson is the biological parent of the child, the biological parentage can be readily determined through medical records and DNA testing. This is a mandatory requisite during the application process. There must also be no compelling reason to believe that the granting of citizenship would not be in the best interests of the child.”
The meeting went for over an hour. We covered a lot of ground, Sam reassuring us with factual information. Things were so much clearer. Kay would enlighten us further when we talked; Sam was going to introduce us to her via email later that day.
We left Sam’s office feeling excited. Outside, at the front of the building, Jayson hugged me and we held each other for several minutes in broad daylight. We were both so happy, happy at how very close we really were.
When I got back to the office, Sam had already emailed Kay, copying me in. He introduced us, acknowledged Jayson as the genetic father and informed her that both of us are keen to start the process with her as our agent or ground operator in Bangkok. He added that we had an Australian relation we would like to bring over to Bangkok as the egg donor and we were interested in making the trip to Bangkok next April. He also confirmed that specifics should be ironed out between us and Kay. I smiled, this time knowing that Bangkok and our baby were really within reach.
We sat patiently for a whole week, waiting for Kay to respond. Finally an email arrived in my inbox.
“Hello Sir Aaron and Sir Jay
son, I am Kay, your Thai surrogate agent. How do you do?”
Finally we were in business. Love it!
11
Kay, the Thai Agent
One of the main reasons why our surrogacy arrangements in Thailand went so smoothly was because of Kay’s competence. She is one woman we are eternally grateful to have met. If not for Kay, both Jayson and I would have been stuck many times during the process. Kay not only always stepped up to the front but ensured a rescue operation and offered solutions to the problems. She was a problem solver, a doer and nothing was ever an issue. She became a friend, someone we continue to have a relationship with after Thailand. She was our trooper, a life saver and most of all a sincere and honest individual who is as transparent as they come. She never withheld any secrets or tried to camouflage anything but instead told us the truth we needed to hear.
“It is what it is,” she often said, and there were no reasons not to tell what is already known.
A week after the visit to Sam, Jayson, Kay and I had a conference call to discuss our altruistic surrogacy arrangement. It was a lengthy conversation over the phone and the soft-spoken Kay, her heavy Thai accent on the other end of the receiver, discussed with us everything we needed to know to start the ball rolling for April. We both found Kay to be very professional on the phone. She answered all our questions, even though at times she was stuck trying to understand Jayson’s Aussie accent and asked us to repeat the question slowly. There was always an answer and a viable one. Kay assured us there was much to do and that we had little time (sufficient enough) to get this happening by April. Kay had to start speaking to Rebecca so she suggested an email conversation between the three of us. Rebecca needed to start birth control so they could regulate the timing of her period to coincide with the time she arrived in Bangkok. We discussed Rebecca having two to three solid weeks of injections – steroids to increase the size of her eggs and follicles – when she was in Thailand.
Designer Baby Page 9
