When the time came for me to talk, Rebecca, sitting next to me, kept nudging me under the table, pushing me to get on with it. I was nervous, not knowing how to come out with the information.
“Everyone, attention please. Aaron has something he would like to announce to all of you,” she said smilingly.
“Rebecca please, not now…” I replied while all eyes fixed on me. I looked at Rebecca, averting my gaze from everyone else.
“Why not? We are waiting, what is it? What have you got to announce?” Esther asked.
“Come on, don’t be a scaredy-cat, tell them! If not, I will,” Rebecca persuaded me.
“OK, hmmm. Where do I start?” Everyone stared at me, waiting to hear what I had to say.
“OK, well you know Jayson and I have been wanting to become parents for a while now, and recently we have made the decision to have a baby. We have started the surrogacy process in Thailand and if all goes well, we will have our baby in a year’s time.”
There was silence and then a huge roar. Excitement filled the room. My aunt, uncle and cousins all got up to wish me mazal tov and they were congratulating us. They were truly excited after hearing the first half of the story.
“Tell us more! How is this done? Where and when did you start this? Why haven’t you told any of us? I am going to kill you!” Esther laughed with roaring excitement.
“We started the process earlier this year in India and it was unsuccessful because India outlawed homosexual couples from having surrogate babies, so we decided to go to Thailand which we believe is extremely progressive.”
“Cuz, when are you planning to leave for Thailand?” Jeremiah enquired.
“We are hoping to go there in April, and if we’re successful at the first IVF attempt, and all goes to plan, we should become dads the following year.”
“So how does this happen? Are you working with a hospital in Thailand? Whose sperm will you use?” asked my uncle Ab, being so direct with his questions.
“Yes, we are working with a reputable Thai clinic and we have decided to use Jayson’s sperm. We are moving fast and we’re in the process of finding a surrogate mother through the clinic.”
“How wonderful. Your child will be beautiful, with Jayson’s blue eyes and the Thai mix from the surrogate mother. The baby will be gorgeous. How exciting for you both. I am so happy for you both. I know what this means to you; you have always been paternal,” Esther said.
“Well, the child won’t be half Thai, the surrogate mother will only carry the child and she is not our egg donor. Actually we have a different egg donor, someone who will give us her eggs so that this can be mixed in the laboratory and create embryos which can then be planted into the surrogate. The surrogate will have no biological link to our child.”
Rebecca nudged me further under the table, pinching me to come out with it. I pinched back to say I was working on it.
“Wow, that’s great. Where did you find this egg donor? From the clinic? And was it difficult to find one you both like?” Sally asked.
“Yes, it was difficult at first as we wanted to be sure that the biological mother and where the eggs came from was suitable for us. We wanted to ensure that the donor has some similar characteristics to me so our child can bear some resemblance to me. But when we found her, it was the most obvious choice. She is perfect.”
“Really? That’s wonderful, where did you find her? Do you have a picture of her?” Esther enquiried further.
“She is right here at this table,” Rebecca replied and placed her hands up like a naughty sibling, her head high, confirming how proud she was of the decision. “I have offered to give them my eggs; I am Jayson and Aaron’s egg donor.”
There was a pregnant (excuse the pun) pause at the table. Everyone stared blankly at us, not knowing what to say after hearing the news. And after that brief moment, Esther was first to get up from her seat and walked over to Rebecca to hug her.
“Mazal tov. What a lovely thing to do, Bec, and how wonderful you are for doing this.”
The rest followed suit one at a time, except for Rebecca’s mother Sally and her partner Simon.
“Why has no one offered to tell me about this, I wonder?” Sally enquired during the commotion.
“I was scared to tell anyone,” I said, “knowing how this would be perceived. Rebecca offering to give us her eggs came about a few weeks ago and I wanted to be sure that everything was going to plan before I told you about this. In fact, even my parents don’t know about this. Except for Jayson’s parents I have not told a soul till tonight.”
“Scared, why are you scared of me? You should have come to me immediately and given me the chance to digest this news alone. It is Rebecca’s egg and I have no ownership of that but something as wonderful as this shouldn’t have been kept in the dark from us.”
“In defence to Aaron, they wanted you guys to know when they were ready,” Rebecca said.
Sally got up and hugged me, then hugged her daughter. She was silently happy at the prospect of technically becoming a grandmother once again. In the next fifteen minutes, there were lots of questions thrown at us. Sally, being a very private person, didn’t want the logistics aired on the Shabbat table, but I knew she would take the time to speak to her daughter and me in private, to ask the hard questions she needed answers for.
Simon, Rebecca’s partner, had been weirdly silent, not impressed perhaps. He had refrained from saying much except congratulations. I sensed he was thinking about it and trying to make sense of what he had just heard. One of the reasons for his alienation was primarily due to Rebecca and me excluding him from the equation. Our not saying anything to him, keeping him in the dark, was a little wrong on our part. He was dismissed as though he didn’t really matter and I regretted not including him because he is a genuine person and he is happy for us. It was an important decision for her to share with him in private, after all he is her partner, and out of respect alone, we should have let him in on this rather than dropping the bombshell at the dinner table. Simon is quite liberal in thinking and quite tuned in; he is a very intelligent man and he knows all about surrogacy. His disappointment was not because of what we were doing but because we didn’t include him; he felt that we didn’t trust him enough to let him in and Rebecca’s choice was made behind his back. He would have been a lot more comfortable if we had taken him aside and discussed this with him at length. He wasn’t upset about Rebecca’s decision as he doesn’t feel it was his choice to make. He just felt excluded. Rebecca and I, once again, like we normally do, had built a cocoon around the two of us, not allowing anyone else in. We rarely realise anyone else exists when we are together. We have so much in common and because we are two of a kind, we indulge each other, forgetting everyone else, including our partners.
Rebecca’s mum Sally, although happy about Rebecca’s decision, felt a sense of exclusion as well. Why didn’t we speak to her beforehand rather than coming out openly at the dinner table, shocking her with his news which should have been an imperative conversation between a mother and daughter to discuss in private as soon as the decision was made? And then playing on her mind was the question we needed to address soon about what to tell other people. Sally is an active member of her community and as a devout Jewess she would be placed in a situation where answers were needed sooner or later. Trying to explain this to members of her community would be a difficult task on her part. What would she say to them? Her daughter is having a baby with a relative, a gay couple? It may not seem as drastic today as it might have in the past, but members of the close-knit Jewish community will not for a second stop to think why she partook in this.
How to keep this little secret within our tightly knit family was a whole new agenda for another day for us as a family to sit and talk about before tackling the situation. But that night wasn’t the right time to talk about it. There would, I was sure, be another day where we would sit and discuss this together and work out what to say and who to tell and to what exten
t we would be forthcoming with the news. We would also probably need to discuss a timeline for when we were all comfortable to break this news.
Regardless, we had a lot to discuss. Rebecca told them afterwards that the reason she didn’t say anything earlier was because we wanted it to be the right time and that had seemed like the right time, and that we would answer any questions around the decision.
Rebecca’s father Ab was understandably worried, mostly about his daughter travelling to a distant third world country to undergo some sort of medical treatment including surgery, unaware as he was of the clinic’s capabilities.
“Be careful of your kidneys and make sure someone is in the operating room with you when they perform the surgery,” he said, worried that the hospital would do something dodgy like take her kidneys out when she was under anaesthetic. We couldn’t help but laugh at the weird assumption and after Esther volunteered to come with us in April and be with Rebecca and me in Thailand he looked slightly relieved.
Rebecca told me in private not to worry too much about Simon as I was feeling a little regretful, not wanting Rebecca to have problems with him about this. She said she would discuss this with him at length. She didn’t plan to have any more secrets from him from this point; he would be included in everything we did.
The baby conversation and that of Rebecca being the biological mum or egg donor went on throughout the whole evening. Rebecca and I parted ways and dealt with the questions and qualms of our family members in pockets, helping them to come to terms with the news. No one was entirely dismal about it, nor were they negative about her decision. It was more the fact that they had been kept in the dark these last few months and not knowing the entire story, or what it entailed, that worried and confused them. Most of the questions revolved around Rebecca’s future role with our baby.
Was she going to play a vital role? Would she be called Mum? How would she partake in our child’s life?
These were questions that needed to be answered and we had the information. Rebecca assured them all that she would only be to our baby what Jayson and I were comfortable with. She didn’t feel it would be necessary to play an active role because our baby would already have parents in Jayson and me. Rebecca also assured her parents that she had kids of her own and was already a full-time mother so she did not need to have another child and if it that was her reason for participating in our baby’s conception, she would have one with Simon. She was doing this out of the goodness of her heart and she felt that Jayson and I would be great parents to the child. She assured them how much I meant to her and that doing this was indeed the right thing, her decision made purely on that fact, and she wasn’t turning back now. She would love the child like her own and participate in its upbringing as much as we were both comfortable with.
When the hard questions were thrown at me, I dealt with them in the most honest way I knew how. I made it clear that Rebecca being our child’s biological mother was a gift and I myself couldn’t understand how blessed I was for this. Not only would I love my child as my own, watching my child grow daily with a part of Rebecca in its genetic composition would and could only make me a very happy man. I loved everything about Rebecca, and now the extension of that love would be unconditional to my own child. I wanted my child to know that Rebecca is his or her mother, the woman who helped their daddies bring them into this world.
The whole evening was rather overwhelming and emotional; Rebecca and I felt like we were experts on a panel being interrogated by an audience. With all that was needed to be said, everyone left that night feeling excited but there was also doubt and apprehension in some who were wondering how this would all pan out. How would this decision affect everyone around the table? To some it would probably be the best thing that had ever happened, changing our family and its dynamics for the better, but to others there could be some unforeseen circumstances. We were left to imagine what these unforeseen circumstances might be, and as Rebecca said, “One thing at a time. You must crawl before you walk, so please let’s start with the baby steps.”
13
On Our Way
It had been weeks, if not months, of organising everything for the impending trip to Bangkok. Emails were sent back and forth daily, and there were hundreds of phone calls between Kay, Rebecca, Jayson, Sam and me. It felt like we were on a film set, producing the biopic Designer Baby, its main cast and crew the five of us who, along with our associates, would shoot the intimate film in the two weeks’ tenure. We joked about Rebecca being the main star, as pretty much everything was revolving around her.
We needed to ensure she also had the emotional capacity to tackle the role of a lifetime, and got the care she needed while she received various fertility treatments in Bangkok. She would have Aunt Esther with her as her “manager” to look after the star’s wellbeing, and doubling as cinematographer for the entire movie. Jayson was the second lead role, his genes and sperm needed to complete the project, and I was the self-appointed director, also in charge of finances, my abacus ready for quantification. Kay no doubt was the production manager, looking after the Bangkok set and shooting location at All IVF clinic, overseeing ground operations with her crew, namely the surrogate mother and Dr Pisit. Lastly, Sam Everingham was the executive producer, steadfast in the role. Not an easy film to produce: relentless to orchestrate, much was at stake, and our daily communication with one another was imperative to keeping on track.
“Uncle Sam”, we started to call him as a joke. He was our pillar of support, one of the strongest members of the team, with a wealth of information we were lucky to have access to. Everything that came through from Thailand landed on his desk first, and he reviewed many documents before consulting us, freeing us from a lot of hassles. We had little time to concentrate on such an extensive task with everything else going on. He sent us relevant immigration paperwork, requesting we shelve it till later, and we spoke on the phone every couple of days. He also spoke to Kay a lot; she prepared a schedule from 9 April, our proposed arrival date into Thailand, showing step by step in detail the various clinic appointments we must attend and the purpose of each of those visits for the first two weeks in Bangkok. It would all culminate on the proposed final day when Rebecca’s eggs would be extracted from her uterus and fertilised before transplanting them into the surrogate. The schedule also outlined Jayson’s role, though he was only needed for five minutes to deposit his semen; the rest of the time he would be offering moral support to Rebecca. Kay recommended Rebecca start birth control pills one month prior to our arrival, leaving enough time for her fertility cycle to sync with that of the intended surrogate mother, which was important for the process to work. She would continue to take these pills until she set foot on the flight to Bangkok, at which time if all went as planned she would be ready to start fertility treatment. It all seemed complicated and honestly, I didn’t quite fully understand that part, being a gay man with no experience to rely on. Rebecca knew exactly what to do, and understood the purpose of synchronising. I left the tasks of administering the birth control pills and managing the timetable to her, which she took very seriously. She became extremely healthy – not that she wasn’t a health freak already, but much more than normal. She didn’t smoke or drink, and spent hours in the gym daily doing fitness classes, her diet constituting of nothing much more than organic fruit and vegetables and legumes. I was touched and impressed at what trouble she went through to ensure her eggs were of supreme quality. I even joked about them being “vegan eggs”.
We booked flights for everyone – including Rebecca’s kids and her mother to Singapore, a two-hour flight from Bangkok, so they were close by in case Rebecca had to fulfil her motherly duties for whatever reasons. We scanned through hundreds of villas in Thailand, finally booking our four weeks’ accommodation in a three-bedroom apartment in Chao Phraya, which Trip Advisor recommended.
Rebecca and I grew closer than ever, inseparable. Our partners joked that they had another spouse in their relati
onship. Simon called me her second husband. We spoke daily, the excitement growing out of control, mostly to fine-tune the schedule to work in with her family’s trip in Singapore. We discussed her future role with our kid, whether she wanted it to be vital, and how much of it she wanted to partake in. We worked out a way to tell people and how to deal with gossip and snickering from our relatives, who at a later stage would come to know Rebecca is our child’s biological mother. Rebecca assured me she was equipped to deal with it and didn’t feel it was necessary to lie, preferring to be upfront on the matter. Embellishing the truth would only make matters worse. The other topic we discussed was when she would tell her kids about this and what she was going to say to them about being away from them. The open line of communication between us was solid and we reached our inner depths, dealing with important future matters that may or may not arise. We tackled each scenario, brainstorming viable and practical answers to situations that may transpire, gaining strength from our transparent bond. If there were issues that bugged us, rather than harbouring them we laid them on the table and discussed them openly and thoroughly. We had no secrets from each other. Hit it hard on the wall was our strategy, we would say, and then it’s fixed and no use worrying about such trivia anymore. Like when she was unnecessarily worried that Simon thought she would be so immersed with our child and her own children, leaving no time left for him. She was equipped to pacify him that wouldn’t be the case because it wouldn’t be her child to take care of. She made it quite clear she wasn’t the parent and wouldn’t be responsible for his upbringing. Nothing else would change, it would just be an extension to our family, and she would see him or her on Shabbat dinners and at family gatherings.
We all read a lot of books, passing them to one another when we finished and discussing what we had just read. The reading materials offered Jayson and me some insight, equipping us to deal with parenting and what to expect next. The questions came forward and the books offered answers and solutions. One of my favourites was Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates. The author offered various case studies of non-traditional parents, the commonly made mistakes and the ones who triumph with truth. Most books cite a common motto: the truth always prevails. Winners were parents who gave honest answers to the questions their kid asked. What you tell your child has to be said in pure, simple language that they can understand. ‘Will the baby call her Mummy?’ was one of the questions we asked each other and couldn’t find the answers to. Yes, she is Mummy in reality, the DNA proves the fact, but will this only confuse them and everyone around them? Why not let them work out what word they will use for her? After all, it’s their relationship and they will have a unique bond, one which none will share except them. And if that word is “Mummy”, so be it, we will have no problems with it. We thought about this for days. Our child would know Rebecca is the biological mother but not the parent; “We are the parents.” We spoke to friends, couples who had done the same.
Designer Baby Page 11
