by JJ Ellis
“Really?” It was a choked whisper.
“Yes. Ask any one of them and they’ll tell you. Fifty more years with me would have given us all the strength to fight for what is right in this world.”
“I...I’m sorry, I...”
“It’s okay. Most people don’t know the extent of the hurt, the devastation that suicide causes. But do you know what the worst part is?”
“What?” His eyes were bright and focused solely on Ben.
“It never ends. My kids hurt from it and they never knew me. My grandkids will hurt from it. The reality is always there, and the stigma never dies.”
“I hadn’t really thought about all of that stuff. There has to be another answer.”
“There is. But it’s different for everyone. For some, it’s family or friends, or counseling, or medication, or even God. And for some, it’s more than one thing.”
“The sex scandal is going to be embarrassing for everyone.”
“Embarrassment is hard but in and of itself, it never killed anyone.”
Riley laughed. “You sound like a dad.”
“Good,” Ben said as he stood. “I never got the chance to be one.”
“Thank you,” Riley said watching Ben’s retreating back. “I have a lot to think about now.”
“You’re welcome,” he said as his physical form started to fade as he walked toward the woods. “Take care of yourself and your loved ones, Riley.”
With a gasp, Riley shot up from the couch. Had he seriously talked to a dead man? It wasn’t the best way to wake up but now that he was up, he decided to eat and watch some TV.
Coming up on the noon news today we’ll have a report on the male prostitution ring out of Sheridan that was busted yesterday. They expect to have all of those affected notified and interviewed by Monday. Stay tuned.
The food he’d just consumed was no longer welcome in his stomach but he needed the strength it provided. Anytime now they could come after him. Would he be treated as a witness or...or would he be arrested for solicitation? Had they recorded him taking the money? And what about the coke?
He was up and pacing, afraid to sit or breathe or do anything. Maybe he’d been right all along. Maybe everyone including himself would be better off if he was dead. Ben Harper was probably just trying to redeem his own issues by saving someone else. Not that he even really believed that he was visiting him from the great beyond. It had been a stupid dream just like the ones with his...with Terry.
Had he seen Terry’s guns in his new truck? His dad had probably put them in there when he’d traded in his dad’s. Hopefully, there was ammunition too. Just in case he decided that death was better than facing life.
“Do I do this?” he asked himself as he sat on the steps of the porch. There’s still so much life left to live. But if it were hampered by what might happen...
“Please don’t do it. Remember what I said?” The whisper came from the trees.
Riley prepared the gun. He held it in his lap as tears tracked down his face. “I’ll do it for them,” he whispered.
“No! Remember what I said.” Louder this time with the same gentle voice.
The next few moments moved as if in slow motion. There was a great yell as Riley slowly moved the shotgun away from his side. Then it was gone, flying across the landscape and he was wrapped in comfort and warmth.
“Riley, oh God, why? Why would you want to do this?”
“Dad? Oh God, I don’t. I don’t want to die. I...I was going to but Ben Harper, he told me not to right before you knocked the gun out of my hands.”
“My tire blew just down the hill so I walked up and I saw you sitting her with the shotgun. Just like Ben, on this very porch,” Johnny sobbed as he held his son. “The thought of losing two people I loved, in one place, in the same way.” His sobbing continued as Riley pulled away.
“Two people you loved?” he asked through his tears. “I don’t understand.”
Johnny looked stricken but pulled himself together as best he could. “I’ve never told anyone before. I never imagined the first person would be my son.”
“Please, tell me.”
Johnny stood up and pulled Riley with him. “Let’s go inside. It’s getting cold and windy.”
“Are you going to tell me now?” Riley asked as they sat in front of the fire Johnny built.
“Yeah. You see, when I was a kid, we used to sit around the locker room and talk about how many ways we could beat up ‘queers’. But while we were doing that, I was wondering what it would be like to kiss Ben Harper. I was scared and ashamed. I often wondered how I could be attracted to him and my girlfriend at the same time.”
“It’s called being bisexual,” Riley joked.
Johnny actually laughed. “Smart ass. The weird thing is that I’ve never been attracted to more than a hand full of other men.”
“Probably because of what happened to Ben.”
“Yeah, could be. All I know is that I had no problems beating up the competition but when I realized how much that hurt Ben it made me angry. So angry that I would rather have had him dead than have me confront my feelings for him. It was his fault I was in jeopardy of breaking the rancher code.”
“And I brought all of that back. I’m so sorry, Dad.”
“Don’t worry about it, Riley. The important thing is to get you the help you need.”
“I thought dying would help everyone,” Riley said after a moment. “But I fell asleep and dreamt of Ben Harper. He told me not to do it, that it destroys everyone and it’s a long hard road to get to anything resembling normal.”
“He’s right. Once hundred percent.”
“But after I woke up I saw something on the news...Dad, I have something I need to tell you.”
“Would it have something to do with this?” Johnny asked pulling a manila envelope out of his jacket pocket. “I came in today’s mail.”
“Who...”
“It’s from Barry. He’s the boy who turned Jeffery in to the police.”
Tears sprang to Riley’s eyes. He couldn’t keep it from Johnny anymore. “Yeah.” He reached for the envelope and opened it. Inside was a note and a DVD.
Hey Ri.
Here is the DVD Jeffery had on you. I’m assuming you’ve heard what happened by now. I swear I thought you were eighteen already and then I found out most of the people were underage and that Jeff was taping them, I knew I had to stop it. Because of the feelings I had for you and because of how kind you were to me when our ranch went under. I got yours out and mailed it to you then went to the police. I promise you’ll be safe. Take care
Barry
Did you watch it?” he asked Johnny.
“No. Of course not. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what is on it. How involved were you?”
“I’m so sorry, Dad. I only did it once. I slept with Jeff just because I wanted to prove I could be a slut just like my dad. And then he invited me back to party with a friend. When it was over he gave me money and told me I could make more. I...I took the money because I felt I deserved the shame. But I never called Jeff back. I didn’t want to do it again. I promise!”
“I believe you,” Johnny whispered, wrapping his arms around his shaking son. “That was the day you broke down wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Can I call the hospital and try to talk to a new doctor. I think we need to get you more help than weaning of medication will give you.”
“I’m scared. I don’t want to ever come that close to killing myself again. Do you think they’ll hospitalize me?”
“They might. It will probably be what’s best for you until things are under control.”
“Okay,” Riley agreed. “Will you still be there when I get out?” he asked in a near whisper.
“Yes. I’ll be there the whole time, before, during, and after. You’re my son and I love you.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
AFTER JOHNNY CALLED the hospital in Harper’s Rock it
was decided that they would drive home and Riley would be admitted. It seemed Doctor Conrad was no longer at Harper’s Rock Memorial Hospital because he’d refused to follow protocol for teenage patients and anti-depressants.
“You should have been monitored every few days,” Johnny told Riley. “And the minute you expressed a problem, he should have recommended you be admitted or monitored daily. You weren’t having normal side effects. You were having a severe reaction.”
“Now I’m really scared. I didn’t take the proper doses after the first week.”
“It’ll be okay, Ri. They said it’s pretty common. I’ll have to monitor your intake from here on out.”
“I’m going to be okay?”
“Yeah, son. You’re going to be just fine.”
JOHNNY WALKED INTO the quiet hospital room and sat in the chair next to his son’s bed. He looked peaceful for the fist time in a very long time. “I should have fought for you no matter what our mother said. I should have taken responsibility for you from the beginning.” He reached out and touched Riley’s hand. “I failed you. I’m so sorry.”
A single tear slid from Riley’s closed eyes. “Don’t.”
“You were awake?”
Riley chuckled. “Yeah. I was trying to brood. You ruined it.”
Johnny smiled. “I was the king of brooders. I should have known that.”
“Getting old, old man.” Riley moved his hand to take ahold of Johnny’s. “Thank you for everything that you did do over the years. Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“I...am I out of my God damn mind for missing Terry?”
“For seventeen years he was your father. And he wasn’t always bad. I think it would be pretty damn normal to miss him.”
Riley’s stare became blank and tears slipped from his eyes. “Until about a year ago he would drop everything on Sundays to watch football with me. No matter what woman spent the night or how many names he called me that week, we’d watch and discuss football all day.”
“He loved you as best he could until the drink and drugs took over completely. I miss him too.”
“I killed him,” Riley whispered. “I looked into his eyes and saw my father and I pulled the trigger. I wanted him to die. I wanted to kill him for trying to kill me, for what I saw him doing to Addie. He needed to die.”
The bed rattled under Johnny’s hand as Riley turned to him with so many questions, so much pain reflected in his eyes. The rattling continued as his body wound tighter and tighter. “It’s okay, son. Its okay to feel those things.”
“N...N...No!” His teeth chattered with the shaking of his body.
Johnny moved up to the bed and wrapped his arms around his trembling son. “It’s normal, Ri. You had every right to do what you did and think what you did. It doesn’t mean you’re like him.”
Riley’s head shot around to look into Johnny’s eyes. “I don’t want to be like him.”
“You’ll never be. You didn’t kidnap, rape and beat an autistic teen just because of who her father was. You saved the life of that girl because of the great young man you are, despite who your father was, despite who you had to kill.”
Riley nodded vigorously. “I had to,” he sobbed. “I had to, I had to”
Johnny held Riley as he repeated those three words over and over and over until sleep claimed him. When his son was calm, he got up from the bed and stumbled into the hallway where he collapsed against the wall unable to see further than his hand in front of his face. Eighteen years of tears had blinded him.
“MR. JOHNSON, CAN WE talk?”
Johnny looked up into the eyes of Trevor Alexander, a developmental pediatrician who was Adella’s doctor and her boyfriend’s step-father. “Uh yeah, sure. Sorry, I was just letting out some of the stress.”
“We all need to sometime. Let’s go into your son’s room, shall we? He should probably hear this as well.”
Johnny followed him in and sat next to Riley on the bed. “Ri. Wake up, bud. Dr. Alexander is here to talk to us.”
Riley’s eyes opened about halfway taking in the doctor. “You’re my journalism teacher’s husband.”
“I am.” Dr. Alexander said with a smile. “Did they give you a sedative, Riley?”
“Earlier when we first came in. I couldn’t sleep.”
“You’ll be coming out of it soon,” he assured the teen. “Are you ready to hear what I have to say?”
“Yes, sir.” He sat himself up and leaned against his dad. “Go ahead.”
“Am I on time?” came a sweet voice from the doorway.
“Come in,” Dr. Alexander invited. “Mr. Johnson, Riley, this is Eve Mason our patient advocate. I wanted her to be here because we are required by law to inform you of mistakes on behalf of staff doctors.”
“Dr. Conrad?” Johnny inquired.
Moving to the bed, Eve Mason reiterated the protocol professionally but also kept in mind that she was talking to a scared, young kid. “Yes. It seems that Dr. Conrad didn’t follow protocol for dosing or diagnosis. Your son was put on the maximum dosage which is never recommended for teens or as a first dose.”
“And what about the diagnosis?” Riley asked.
“It seems he didn’t follow protocol there either. He didn’t give the proper screening tests and went solely on the testimony and recent medical history of the patient to diagnose the past depression along with the present.”
“So, medically what does that mean?” Johnny asked directing his question to Dr. Alexander.
“Well, since we no longer have our new staff psychiatrist, I’ve consulted with the one in Sheridan and we think you may have been misdiagnosed with chronic depression. We believe your current symptoms are based on recent events in your life. It’s called situational depression. It could even be clinical depression. But we can only determine what kind it is through further testing.”
“What about the medicine?” Riley asked.
“Plain and simple, you were overdosed and Dr. Platt and I both believe some of your recent behaviors are because of that. If you can give us a few days, we believe we can get a correct diagnosis and medication if needed.”
“So, he’d have to stay here for a few days?” Johnny asked to be sure.
“Yes. He won’t be on a psych hold. He’ll have to be responsible for follow through, but we should be able to get him on his feet again relatively quickly.”
“I have to,” Riley said. “I need to do this.”
“Then we’ll do it,” Johnny said hugging his son.
THINGS MOVED QUICKLY after Dr. Alexander’s initial visit. There were tests, sessions with Dr. Platt, and visits from Eve Mason who kept them updated on the case against Dr. Conrad. They would soon have to make a decision about what to do about the situation. But for now, they concentrated on getting him better.
The next step in his recovery was facing the toxic relationship he had with Aidan. After he heard what Riley had to say, there was little chance they would still be a couple but that was probably for the best. He texted him on day three in the hospital. “Hey, they said you could come see me.”
“I’ll be there soon. What room?”
“202. See you in a few.” Homework kept him busy until he felt the rush of air as the door opened. “Hey.”
“Hi. The hospital again, huh?”
“Yeah,” Riley chuckled. “Listen, we need to talk.”
“Uh...okay. About what?” he asked as he sat down.
“I’m here because I was having suicidal thoughts.”
Aidan swallowed hard. “The medication. I told you.”
“I know,” Riley whispered. “But it was more than just the medicine. I did some things that could have caused problems for a lot of people. And I wasn’t sure I could live with it.”
“The prostitution ring?” Aidan breathed.
Riley sat for a full minute just staring at Aidan, debating whether to abort his plan to come clean or not. “How...how did you know?”
“You had me followed?” Riley snarled.
“No, no!” Aidan was quick to assure him. “Greg’s grandma lives over there. He just happened to see you and mentioned it in passing.”
Riley calmed down just a bit, although, his heart still raced. “So, you knew I was cheating on you and you didn’t say anything?”
“I wasn’t sure. For all I know, you guys were playing video games. It wasn’t until I heard the news story that I knew.”
“It wasn’t about you,” Riley whispered. “It was about proving I was my father’s son.”
Aidan reached out and rested his hand on Riley’s. “I realize that now.”
“I didn’t join the ring.”
“Good. Was Jeffery the only one?”
“No. Barry too. I’m sorry.”
“But the relationship between us is pretty much dead.”
Riley closed his yes and breathed deep. “Yeah. It’s probably a good thing, huh?”
“I think so.” Aidan took his hand back and stood. “I’d better go. I’m sorry things didn’t work out.”
Riley grasped his hand and pulled him close for one final kiss. “Goodbye, A.”
“Bye, Ri.”
Johnny walked in nodding to Aidan as they passed. “If you don’t mind my asking, why did you kiss him?”
“To make sure the temptation was gone. I think what we had physically was addicting.”
“And?”
“And whatever it was is gone?”
“I’m proud of you, you know,” Johnny said as he sat in the chair Aidan had vacated. “You’re becoming wise beyond your years.”
“It’s called survival, Dad.”
Johnny laughed. “I know that all too well, son.”
EPILOGUE
ABOUT 8 YEARS LATER
Riley couldn’t wait to get home to Harper’s Rock. He’d moved to Sheridan after high school and then to Casper after that. He hadn’t been home since his company had transferred him to San Diego and two years was a long time when you were used to living within a two-hour drive of home. But the opportunities in San Diego had been too good to pass up. Now he was head of IT for his company and preparing to come back home to start his own consulting business and be closer to his dad and sister. And he was happy, especially since he’d started seeing Jeromy. “Are you nervous?”
