That was challenge he couldn’t take up, and the fact chafed him. He wanted her to know that what they had was truly special. He’d never had these feelings for another woman, not even the wife he’d loved. Yet he couldn’t give Trinity the one thing she needed.
“I can’t.”
She shook her head. “You won’t,” she corrected him. She masked her pain behind a tight smile. “You know, Matthias, I don’t know what would be worse, living in a state of perpetual need until I died a slow, miserable death, or committing myself to a man who couldn’t fully give of himself, who couldn’t move past the love he shared for another.”
She turned to leave, and he raised his hand, but grasped at air. He couldn’t let her walk away, couldn’t let her abandon them, abandon this.
“I can’t,” he argued. She shook her head as she started to walk away. “I can’t,” he called softly to her. “I can’t shift without it.”
Chapter 17
“What?” Trinity asked, stunned.
He put his hands on his hips and looked at a point over her shoulder, the muscles in the strong column of his throat moving as he swallowed. “You once told me you were a curse to your pack. Well, I guess I’m the real thing. I am cursed. I can’t shift without the chain. Well, technically it’s the ring on the chain.”
She took a step closer, her brow wrinkled. “Explain,” she said hoarsely.
He nodded, his gaze still not meeting hers. “The spell the witches cast attacked our beast and prevented our ability to shift. An inability to shift strangles our wolf, and as it struggles, it shreds from within. Essentially, we were killed by our own lycans.”
She approached him slowly. “How did you survive?”
He smiled weakly. “I was the firstborn of our family, but I wasn’t my father’s son. My mother was married previously. Apparently there is a null somewhere in my real father’s bloodline. Distantly related, though. The connection wasn’t strong enough to stop the spell from working altogether, but it did mute the effects.” He dropped his gaze to hers, and she saw the blaze of grief in his eyes. “Unfortunately my son wasn’t so lucky, with the bloodline further diluted by his birth.”
She slid her hand into his. “Tell me everything.”
He blinked, and looked down at their clasped hands. “I couldn’t shift. I wandered for two years,” he whispered, and she bit her lip.
“You were a stray,” Trinity said, saddened by the realization. Strays were the lycans who wandered, packless. They were touch-starved, love-starved, wounded. Homeless.
He nodded, his gaze stark with the remembered loneliness. “I don’t recommend the experience,” he said hoarsely. “To not have the familiarity and support of a pack—I now know why strays don’t live long,” he said quietly. “For a pack animal, it’s hell.” He stroked her hair, and she realized why he touched so much, why he was so physical. She could relate to that. She remembered being surrounded by family, their chatter relaxing her, comforting her. Their presence a soothing balm to the soul, providing a sense of contentment and peace. And she’d also had a friend. To not have touch, but to always be surrounded by silence, by a lack of warmth, of shelter and comfort—that truly did sound like a form of hell to a breed accustomed to sharing their lives with others.
“I couldn’t shift. No pack would take me, trapped in a human form, unable to change. I was half a lycan—and the weaker half, at that.”
“You couldn’t shift for two years?” she couldn’t begin to imagine what denying your lycan’s freedom would feel like, not being able to let your true nature loose.
“Yeah. I eventually managed to find a witch who could help me.” Matthias lifted the ring off his chest, the chain falling in a relaxed loop between them. “He bespelled my wife’s ring—seeing as the curse was born from hate, and the ring symbolized the love we shared while tainted with blood and death—don’t ask me to explain it, it’s all mumbo jumbo to me. The only thing I need to know is that it works. That’s when I found Jared—or really, he found me. He didn’t care about the ring, didn’t care if I could or couldn’t shift. He just knew I needed a home.”
For the first time, she felt something deep flare at the mention of the Alpine alpha’s name. Not quite love, but a respect that eclipsed any such consideration she had for her own alpha prime. To welcome, to love unconditionally, to forgive, to heal—those were traits she’d always associated with family, and what she aspired to see prevail in her own pack. One day.
He cleared his throat, then looked at her intently. “So you see, Trinity, I don’t wear this ring to honor my dead wife’s memory. I wear this ring as a talisman to help me be whole again.”
She digested his words for a moment, then cocked her head as she looked up at him. “Can I ask you a question?”
His eyebrows rose. “Okay. Shoot.” His expression was wary.
“This terrible deed that was done to you, and to your pack—it was done by witches. Why did you go to a witch for help?”
He shrugged. “You fight magic with magic. I figured the only way to be able to shift again was to get a witch to break the spell. Unfortunately, as it was a coven who created it, one witch couldn’t break it—but he could...change it.”
“He sounds like a good witch,” she commented, grateful for the expertise of this unknown helper.
Matthias shook his head. “I don’t think you could call him a good witch,” he said slowly. “Unique, maybe. He runs a tattoo parlor in Irondell, wears leathers and sunglasses all the time, including at night, and rides a motorcycle.”
She shook her head, frowning. “Not your usual witch, I guess.” She’d come across some during her wanderings, so she wasn’t actually sure there was a “usual” type.
“He answers to no coven, but he did me a good deed. He’s good at what he does and I respect the man. If he hadn’t helped me...” Matthias shook his head, leaving the rest of the sentence unsaid, but she could extrapolate. Strays were well-known for their short life cycles, their nomadic and lonely existences. Some even went crazy, and struck out with extreme violence which usually ended in their deaths. She couldn’t imagine a lycan so good at leading people, so gentle with children, and so, well, so good at lovemaking being without that community contact.
“How many people know?” she asked quietly.
Matthias shook his head. “Only Jared and Samantha. And now you.” During those wandering, aimless, homeless years, he’d discovered that not many packs would welcome someone who couldn’t contribute fully to their family. As a man who couldn’t shift into his wolf form, he’d been ridiculed, shunned and had even been attacked. He’d learned to defend himself, and to fight brutally, to try to compensate for his failing. He couldn’t face this reaction from his adopted family. Jared and Samantha were special, but he just didn’t know how the rest of the pack would react. Anything that involved witches was always bad news. “This curse—it’s costly. I don’t want it to cost me my family.”
She looked down at their clasped hands. As secrets went, his was a big one. She couldn’t truly comprehend what it must be like for him, to keep this secret from his pack, and still hold a position of leadership as guardian prime. It was a true testament to his character, his strength.
She looked up at him and smiled gently. “Thank you for trusting me.” She realized he’d taken such a risk, telling her about his vulnerability. “I won’t share your secret, I promise.” Trust given deserved trust in return.
He placed a finger under her chin. “If we’re to be mates, there should be no secrets between us.” His voice was a gentle rumble, and it set that tide of heat rising again.
“How can you say that? We hardly know each other, and I’m really not happy about this imprinting thing.”
He leaned forward and kissed her, his thumb resting with subtle pressure in the corner of her mouth, opening her to
him. He kissed her thoroughly, so that she was panting and trembling by the time he finished. He drew back and eyed her.
“You’ll get over it,” he told her.
“No, it’s not a matter of me gett—”
His lips cut her words off, and it was a long time before he lifted his head. This time they were both panting.
“You have to stop doing that,” she rasped, then tilted her head to the side as his lips trailed along her jaw to her ear.
“But I like doing it,” he murmured, his breath hot against her ear. He playfully nipped her earlobe, and she trembled, the sensation zinging molten heat straight to her core.
“Matthias, we can’t. We have to go back to camp, and my pack members—” She had to catch her breath as he nipped and licked his way down her throat.
“Uh-huh...?” He encouraged her to speak, lifting his head.
“My pack members are already wary around me,” she tried again, and had to shut her eyes to concentrate as he transferred his kisses to the other side of her neck. “If they knew about us, about what we’ve done...”
“Maybe we should tell them what I’d like to do... Kiss you, taste you, wrap your legs around my—”
“And that is why we have to stop. You’re scent is all over me, damn it.” It was already mortifying that Dalton had noticed.
Pride and satisfaction curled his lips. “And you wear it very nicely.”
“What if others in my pack notice? They’ll see this as a betrayal,” she cried.
He frowned. “Perhaps you shouldn’t worry so much about what they’ll think, and just live,” he suggested.
“Says the man who hasn’t told his pack he can’t shift without a talisman,” she pointed out in a hiss, and stomped back to camp.
Of course she worried about what they’d think. She’d spent the last thirteen years trying to make up for what her father had done. She’d tried to be the best that she could be, in the hopes of earning their approval. This thing with Matthias, though, this imprinting—it could risk her family’s acceptance. Forever.
Hell. A mate. She bit her lip. She didn’t want a mate. A mate meant vulnerability, losing yourself to another. Matthias was a guardian prime—if this mess with Rafe just went away, she’d still be mated with a warrior. A warrior’s chances of dying were greater than the average wolf’s. What then? She didn’t want to die from a lost love. She shook her head as she reentered the camp. No, she had to figure a way out of this mess.
* * *
The Woodland pack were a suspicious lot. Matthias observed them, Jax curled up by his side, tears streaking the dirt across his cheeks as he slid into the sweet escape of sleep. He and Trinity had had to tell the boy of his mother’s passing, and since then he was either at his side, or Trinity’s. The other children were scared, understandably. He could only guess at the tales that had been told to them of the mean warriors from the north, the Alpine guardians—and they were young and away from their families—and that struck him as curious. It was highly unusual for parents to leave their young like this, especially during a pack war. The young were never left unprotected. No wonder the pups were frightened. Trinity’s friend Dalton—well he liked to give the impression of being relaxed, but he watched the activity around the camp with an intent eye. There was another warrior, one who was found unconscious but had since roused. He was one who definitely required watching, judging by the resentment in his gaze as he observed the Alpine guardians go about their business. The elders... They were different. They sat silently, noticing every move he and his men made. He wasn’t sure if they were curious, or anticipating an attack.
Matthias pursed his lips. As if he or his men would attack them, the stewards of the pack—or the young. His gaze followed Trinity as she gathered the bowls from the injured, and brought them over to the camp kitchen to help wash. It was sunset, and the dying light of the day bathed her in the warmest of glows, gilding the copper streaks in her hair like spun gold, and giving her skin a warmth and color that was entrancing.
He wanted her. He couldn’t help it. She was noble, loyal, strong. Despite everything that had happened in her life, she had a lot of love in her heart to give. She was especially good with the children, soothing their fears, coaxing a smile and a giggle from them. For a moment, he wondered what children with her would be like. Would they have her dark hair, or his blond hair? Green eyes or blue? Son or daughter? However they came, he knew she would ensure they felt the love of their mother, especially after her own experience. His gut still burned over that.
He glanced down at Jax, and brushed the boy’s sandy hair off his forehead. This boy was alone in the world, now. Neither mother nor father, and no siblings. He knew what that felt like; he knew the abject loneliness that came with not having family. Like Trinity, he was determined to make sure this boy knew he had a place in the world. His gaze returned to Trinity. She was amazing. She had the biggest heart of anyone he’d ever met. Despite their withdrawal, she’d raced through the forest to come to her pack’s aide when they’d needed it most.
She might still be a little mad at him about the imprinting, but he’d seen the compassion in her eyes when he’d told her about his curse. He was still surprised he’d shared that. Not even Zane or Nate were aware of the circumstances of his inability to shift.
For so long, he’d felt...incomplete. Ever since that night when he’d awoken in agony with his wolf clawing at him from the inside, unable to set his lycan free, he’d felt...wrong. Unnatural, as though the body he inhabited wasn’t truly his. In the darkest hours of night, alone in his bed, when the insecurity of his deficiencies plagued him the most, he did feel unworthy, as though he was living a charade as Alpine’s guardian prime. He wasn’t a full lycan. He needed a trigger to shift. He’d striven to prove himself, and Jared had promoted him to guardian prime; it was almost unheard of for a nongenuine to achieve such a rank. Yet he still felt that no matter how hard he worked, he was unfit, and it was just a matter of time before that was exposed.
But when he’d told Trinity, she hadn’t looked at him as though she found him disgusting, or contemptible, or as though he were lacking. In fact, she’d looked at him with a tenderness and a softness, an empathy. She knew what it felt like to be lonely, to feel shame—although in her case it was completely unwarranted—and she judged him not.
What a pair they were. He may have lost his family. He may have lost his pack, but he’d never doubted their love and acceptance of him. Trinity, though, had managed to grow up without the loving embrace of her family, yet still gave her heart to those she loved in the hope that they would accept her. Which was ironic, because he could only hope that she would ultimately accept him as her mate.
“Get away from me.” The now-conscious guardian slapped the bowl out of Trinity’s hand.
Matthias frowned as Trinity stepped back in shock.
“You’re a traitor,” the guardian hissed, and more Woodland folk turned at the exchange. Dalton hobbled to his feet, his expression wary.
Trinity leaned down to pick up the bowl from the ground, then glanced at the angry guardian. “I’m not a traitor, Dion.”
“You’ve shacked up with Alpine, I can smell it on you.”
Trinity’s cheeks glowed with a warmth that even across the campsite, Matthias could see. He gained his feet, careful not to wake the sleeping boy. He stepped forward, his brows lowered. Trinity saw him approaching and gave him a quick shake of her head, which he ignored.
“I would never betray Woodland,” she stated in a quiet yet firm voice.
“You already have.” Dion rose to his feet to tower over the woman in a move clearly intended to intimidate. Matthias reacted. Moving in a blur, he caught the guardian by his torn shirt and threw him to the ground.
“Matthias,” Trinity cried in protest.
“No,” he shook his head, pla
cing his foot over the throat of the lycan who dared threaten his she-wolf. He leaned down, ignoring the gurgling noises the guardian uttered. “You should be thanking her,” he growled. “Everything she’s done, it’s been to protect your sorry lot.”
The guardian’s eyes flashed in anger as he tried to shift the foot pressing against his throat. Matthias added a little more pressure. With a little more push, he could crush the lycan’s neck.
“Matthias, please, no.” Trinity stepped closer, and Matthias wouldn’t look at her. “I swear, Matthias, if you hurt him, so help me I will make your life a living hell, and you know I can do it.”
Her words were uttered so ferociously, so fervently, her need to defend her people so frustrating yet so beautifully savage that fierce pride flooded him. He’d thought her desperate need to protect was a weakness, and now he realized it was her strength. Matthias kept his expression impassive as he turned to look at her.
“Even now, when he insults you, you wish to protect him?” He glanced back to the guardian at his feet. “Your alpha prime calls for a parley in the woods at the same time as pups are training. He breaks the conditions of parley. It’s your tracker who sees to the safety of the young.” He lifted his finger to point to Trinity. “This so-called traitor risked her life to protect Woodland. She’s led us everywhere else but the den—she even tried to lead us into a trap with your vamp neighbors. The only reason we’re here, you moron, is because she heard the cave-in and came running to pull your sorry ass out from the dirt. And now you have the audacity to turn on the one person who would lay down her life to save you?” He shook his head. “You are so sure we’ll kill all of you without a second thought, I may as well do it now.”
“Matthias,” Trin’s voice was low in warning, and he smiled at the guardian.
“Fine, but thank your tracker for saving your life. And if I ever hear you talk like that again, it will be the last thing you say.”
He pressed down a little bit, just because it was the only satisfaction he was going to get out of the whole confrontation, then lifted his foot. “Your alpha prime is your true traitor. If you’re going to bitch about anyone, bitch about him.”
Lycan Unleashed Page 18
