He let out a shuddering breath.
“I’m right here, Zander.”
He opened his eyes, staring at her with alarming tenderness. He kissed her forehead, pulling the cocoon of sleeping bags tighter around them.
She rested her head against his chest, listening to his thundering heartbeat as their ragged breathing slowed. Megan slid her hand soothingly above Zander’s heart. His fingers sought hers out, entwining comfortably. And though she sensed promise in his touch, Megan couldn’t shake the feeling that tonight had felt more like a goodbye than a beginning.
29
Megan
The soft chirping of birds alerted Megan that the storm was over. She opened her eyes to the watery light of dawn. She was still nestled warmly in Zander’s arms among a tangle of sleeping bags. She didn’t want to move, afraid it would break the spell. She lay gazing at Zander for a long moment, wondering what version of him she’d face today. Would it be the man who rescued her last night, or the one hell bent on pushing her away?
Zander’s eyelids fluttered open, dazzling Megan with their brilliant green hue. She noted how they matched the lush moss-drenched forest that had nearly gotten the better of her.
As the sleep faded from his eyes, Megan could practically feel an icy chill fill the tent. It seemed he’d made his decision—pushing her away it was.
Zander sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Megan sat up too, already missing his warmth at her side. She pressed her cheek to his bare back and he stilled. Megan let her lips brush the edge of the tattoo on his shoulder and he flinched away.
“Don’t,” he warned.
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because why?” she pushed, anger edging into her voice.
“Ye know why.”
“No I don’t! All I know is that you keep giving me mixed signals.”
“Megan, I can’t give ye what ye want.”
She flopped back into the sleeping bag with an exasperated sigh. “Then why did you even bother to rescue me last night?”
He finally faced her. “That’s not fair.”
“Really? Because I find this sex yoyo pretty unfair.”
“Megan—”
“No, I’m serious. You can’t keep doing this, Zander. You push me away and you pull me back. Make up your mind!”
Zander opened his mouth, closed it, then tried again. In the end he turned his back to her and tugged his clothes on, before escaping from the tent.
Megan rolled onto her stomach, fighting the urge to cry. She’d spent years hoping she could be the kind of girl Zander could want, but she was at her wit’s end. She always tried to see the best in people and let worries roll off her back, but Zander made it impossible. Every day she spent with him she felt more and more tangled in his complicated web of emotions. She didn’t want to give up on him but at what cost to herself? Her heart felt like a punching bag. It wouldn’t hurt so bad if she didn’t know that he cared. But he did. She felt it every time they touched. But what did it matter if he was determined to push her away?
She’d never met anyone who made her feel more foolish, or more in love. It was infuriating, and she was sick of letting Zander get away with it. Shoving on her clothes, Megan gathered her courage and unzipped the tent flap, climbing out into the cold.
Zander was knelt over a pile of soaked wood trying to start a fire. His gorgeous face was lined with stubble and determination. Megan felt a familiar ache twist around her heart and she wondered if there would ever be a time when she could look at him without it hurting.
She picked up her bruised ego and marched past him.
“Where are ye going?” he asked.
“What do you care?”
He grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.
“Let go,” she growled.
“No.”
“You don’t want me, Zander. So just leave me alone.”
“That’s not true.”
She laughed. “Right. You like fucking me, but that’s it.”
“Christ, woman! I’m fucking crazy about ye! Is that what ye want to hear?”
“Yes!”
Zander threw his hands up. “But it doesn’t matter.”
“How can it not matter?”
“Because we’re never gonna work.”
“That’s because you won’t even try!”
“Megan, I have been trying. That’s what I’m trying to tell ye.”
She reached a hand out to his cheek. His eyes closed against her touch like it was painful. “Zander, just let me in.”
“I can’t.”
His eyes snapped open, pleading. “Megan, ye make me feel lost.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing?”
“How? How is feeling lost a good thing?”
“Maybe you need to get lost before you can find yourself.”
Zander shook his head, but Megan could see the fight slipping out of him. She pulled him closer, kissing him softly.
“This is never going to work,” he murmured.
“You don’t know that.”
“Ye want more than I can give.”
“How do you know?”
“I know.”
“Maybe I only want to kiss you.”
“Do ye?”
She kissed him again, but he broke it off early.
“But is that all ye want, Megan? Just kisses? No strings?”
Megan slumped down from her tiptoes, and shook her head.
“Thought so.”
Zander
Zander packed up the wet tent in silence. One more day—that’s all he had to get through. They planned to hike to Torc Falls so Megan could get the last shots she needed. It was early. The hike was five miles, but if they made good time maybe they’d even be able to hike back out and Zander would be able to avoid one more excruciating night torturing himself by sleeping next to the angel he knew he couldn’t keep.
The sooner this was over the better. Zander was convinced there was no way he’d survive much more of this. He found himself wondering if he and Megan would’ve ever had a chance. Even if she lived in Ireland or he in Boston, it didn’t feel possible to withstand such insufferable desire. It was unbearable to feel so much for one person.
Megan made him feel like he was one short circuit away from a full-blown black out. She made his heart want to seize. He was constantly worried about her, thinking of her, missing her—even when she was right next to him.
And no matter how hard he pushed her away, she kept clawing at his walls. It was like she could see something he couldn’t.
He desperately wished she were right—that they could work, that he could try. But even if he could muster the courage to give her his heart, what was the point? She’d only break it in a few months when she handed it back. Or worse, what if he didn’t even last that long? What if he let her in and she saw the extent of his damage and it sent her running?
That would be worse. But it was a very real possibility. Zander was convinced he was impossible to love. Why else would he have been abandoned so many times? He was so used to everyone he let in letting him down or leaving him that he couldn’t stomach the idea of letting it happen again. Better to be the one doing the leaving.
30
Megan
Zander set a grueling pace to Torc Falls. Megan was lagging behind for most of the hike, her anger simmering. She found herself slowing down on purpose to see just how far he’d let her get before he stopped. Apparently far.
A few times Megan found herself jogging to catch up when she lost sight of Zander. Even though he’d wounded her pride this morning, her fear of getting lost in the forest again was too raw to let her pride win out.
Again Megan wondered why Zander had even bothered to rescue her last night. Maybe he only enjoyed playing the hero when there was promise of reward? After their fight this morning she was more sure than ever that he wasn’t going to let her back in. She should’ve just accepted defeat. She knew there were mo
re fish in the sea. But like Ahab, Megan had a stubborn streak a mile long and she couldn’t get her proverbial white whale out of her head.
When they finally stopped for a modest lunch of stale PB&J’s and apples, Megan’s frustration had reached an all time high. She hated letting people get away with mistreating her and she could feel her anger building. Even if it wouldn’t change anything, Megan had a growing desire to give Zander a piece of her mind.
Normally she would’ve tried to let it go, but her ‘suck it up buttercup’ attitude was diminished after a grueling hike in soggy boots. Her feet were killing her and her damn pack was rubbing her shoulders raw. She schlepped it against a tree and plunked down as close as she could to Zander just to piss him off.
He gave her a wary look and scooted over to give himself some breathing room.
“Ya know what I think is funny?” Megan asked irritably tearing into her last pack of Nerds. “Sam and Devon were right about you.”
“I’m sorry?” Zander asked glancing at her sideways.
“They tried to warn me that you weren’t the guy I thought you were. That it was all an act, but stupid me, I didn’t believe them.”
Zander didn’t respond so Megan continued.
“You should really come with a disclaimer if this is the way you treat people. At least give fair warning, ya know?” She added, “Proceed at your own risk,” in her official reporter voice.
Zander glared at her. “People don’t come with warning labels, Megan.”
“Well they should.”
He snorted. “Oh yeah? And what would mine say?”
She didn’t miss a beat. “Contents under pressure. Handle with care.”
Zander
Zander was stunned silent by the accuracy of Megan’s statement. He wrapped the rest of his sandwich up and stuffed it into his bag. He didn’t have an appetite anyway. He climbed to his feet, grabbed his pack and picked up the trail again, leaving Megan clamoring to catch up.
“Do you know what mine would say?” she yelled when she reached him. “My label?”
Zander ignored her, charging on.
“It’d say fool! Idiot. Moron. Most likely to be used and still come back for more.”
Zander whirled on her. “Megan, what do ye want from me?”
“I want the truth!”
“I told ye the truth. We don’t work.”
“No, all you told me was that you’re crazy about me, but just not crazy enough to want more than a few one night stands.”
“That’s not it.”
“Then what is it? You say it’s not Tabitha. You say it’s not my asthma, but it has to be something. Just tell me. Lay it all out so I understand what the hell I did wrong, Zander, because I can’t figure it out.” The anger in her voice was strangled by a sob. “Stop being a God damned infuriating mystery with no end. Just tell me the whole story once and for all so I can hang up this fucked up chapter of my life and move on.”
Zander’s heart beat against his ribs with painful ferocity, begging him to go to her. But he couldn’t, he was frozen to the spot. Nothing he said or did could make things right. The answer to her question was simple. He would ruin her like he ruined all things, but he couldn’t say it. She wouldn’t believe him and he’d only hurt her worse. Hell, he’d already started to wreck her.
Megan stood before him, a sobbing shadow of the girl she’d once been, the girl he’d fallen in love with.
“Zander, please. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to make this mistake again. I can’t keep handing my heart over to someone who’s going to stomp all over it. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.”
“And ye think I do?” he shouted, finally reaching his breaking point. “Do ye think I want to be the one left behind over and over again? But that’s just the way it is, Megan. I’m doing ye a favor. I’m saving ye time. You’d leave me in the end, just like everyone else.”
“Everyone else? Who? Stop being so God damned cryptic and tell me what the hell you’re talking about!”
“I’m talking about Sophie and Devon and Sam. I’m talking about my sister, my parents! How can I expect ye to stay if my own family couldn’t?”
“Zander . . .”
“No, Megan. It’s the truth. Ye wanted to know what the hell’s wrong with me, this is it. I’m broken. Ye said it yourself. I’m broken and no one can stomach sticking with me.”
A bewildered smile crossed her lips. “That’s it? People always leave? That’s your major problem?”
“Is that not enough?” he bellowed.
“No Zander, it’s not. Devon and Sam haven’t left you. They’re in college. And your sister hasn’t left. She moved to Cork, that’s what . . . a few hours away? They haven’t left you. And besides, they’re not yours. They don’t owe you anything. They have to live their own lives.”
“They were my friends. My family.”
“They still are. They’re just following their hearts and pursuing happiness. That’s what life is about. That’s what you’re supposed to do.”
Zander dragged his fingers through his hair. “Ye don’t understand . . . it’s not that simple.”
Megan
Megan could see the anguish in Zander’s eyes. She knew she was pushing him dangerously close to the edge of something ugly. She placed her hand on his arm hoping to soothe him.
“Zander, I can’t speak for anyone else in your life and how they may have wronged you, but I can speak for myself. I’m not the one leaving, you’re pushing me away.”
“For yer own good,” he muttered.
She shook her head. “You say people always leave, but maybe it’s because you push them away.”
He shook his head not wanting to hear her.
“You have to give someone a chance.”
“All I do is give people chances. But the outcome is always the same. My own parents left me, Megan. How can I expect anyone else to stay when the people who are supposed to love me couldn’t.”
“Zander . . . I’m not your parents. You can’t let their mistakes shape your life.”
“It’s not just that! It’s everything. It’s my job, this life! I can’t do it like this . . . everyone left and I can’t do it alone.”
“Zander, part of growing up is learning when to ask for help. You don’t have to do everything alone.”
“Yes I do! That’s what I’m trying to tell ye. I have no one left to lean on!”
“What about me? I’m here. I’m standing right in front of you and you’re still pushing me away.”
Zander
A vast emptiness opened inside of Zander. She was right. She was still here, begging to be let in and he still couldn’t do it. He felt the fight slipping out of him and he set his heavy pack down, rubbing the sudden weariness from his face.
“It’s my flaw, Megan. It’s why I’m destined to be alone. I can’t let anyone in. That’s why we were good when ye were in Boston. Ye couldn’t get too close and I couldn’t drive ye away.”
“That’s not good enough, Zander.” Megan threw her gear down and shoved him. “It’s not good enough.”
“I know! That’s what I’m trying to tell ye,” he erupted. “I’m not good enough. Ye can’t fix me.”
“You don’t have a problem that needs to be fixed. You’re just lonely and in over your head, but it’s your own fault. You can’t fix everything yourself. You have to let people in.”
“If I have a problem I need to be able to fix it myself. I’ve learned I can’t count on anyone but myself.”
“Well that’s a pretty sad outlook on life.”
“It’s a realistic one.”
“No, it’s not.”
He raged inside. “And what would ye know about it? Yer life is perfect!”
Megan reeled back like he’d slapped her. “My life has been far from perfect. Did you know my dad left us when I was six? There was a time when my mom worked three jobs to keep a roof over our heads and we didn’t know where our next meal was
coming from. I learned pretty quickly that if we were going to survive we were going to have to work together and take all the help we could get. And you know what? We survived—together. And it taught me to be grateful and appreciate life. It taught me to forge connections and give second chances. And most of all it taught me not to let others dictate my life.”
Zander blinked back his shock. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t. I don’t sit around whining about my problems. Life’s too short. I spend my time living, not bitching.”
“So . . . Stan . . . he’s not yer father?”
“He’s my step-dad. But that’s not the point. It’s that we didn’t give up. Life goes on and if you let it, it gets better. I don’t know why my real dad left us or why Stan found us. Maybe it was fate or maybe it was simple chance. But I wouldn’t be here if I’d try to do it all on my own.”
“Maybe yer right, Megan. Maybe I wish I could be more like ye, but I’m not. And I can’t change overnight.”
“And neither can I.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you were right before. I’m always going to want more than you’re willing to give. I want equal partnership. I want someone to be as good for me as I am for them. I want someone to trust . . . all the way . . . not just maybe.”
Zander felt the bottom dropping out of his world. He wanted desperately to give her all of those things, but deep down he knew he would fail. “Maybe’s not enough, Megan. I know that. But’s it’s all I can offer.”
Tears welled in Megan’s tranquil blue eyes. “Then maybe it’s time this is over.”
31
Zander
Zander hadn’t waited to hear more after Megan’s declaration of defeat. His pulse had been hammering too loud to make out words after that point anyway. He didn’t even deem a response. Besides, what could he say? He’d ruined everything, including himself. Something had snapped within him, and an insatiable need to flee took over.
The Maybe Boyfriend: A YA Contemporary Romance Novel (The Boyfriend Series Book 6) Page 17
