by Sheila Walsh
“You are too much. We won’t be another marriage fatality,” Ava said, pouring her favorite bath salts into the steaming water that filled the bottom of the tub.
“You aren’t being you, so I’m very concerned. I heard you snuck out early from the Children’s Charity Ball.”
“Yes, and Sienna broke off her engagement with Preston.”
“What?! When? Why? Never mind, I’m coming over.”
“I probably need to return to my therapist,” Ava said, sitting the edge of the tub and watching the swirl of salts in the water.
“You’re a Texan, remember? We stuff down our issues and find fulfillment in anything that has cream and butter. Take your bath and I’ll be there soon, with donuts.”
Seventeen
AVA’S PHONE KEPT HER FROM ENJOYING THE HOT BATH. SHE ignored the calls, but checked the numbers to be sure it wasn’t Dane or Sienna. Finally she rose from the bath water and tiptoed to the walk-in shower to start her normal morning routine before Kayanne arrived.
As she gathered her Bible and journal for her morning meditation, another call interrupted her thoughts.
“It’s about time. I’ve been worried sick about you.”
“I know, I’m really sorry.” Sienna’s voice sounded regretful, but Ava also noticed a definite change from the last time they’d talked. Her daughter sounded happy again. But Ava knew Sienna was making a terrible mistake.
“What’s going on? What happened? Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, Mom, really. I think I’ve known for a really long time, but I didn’t want to see it. It’s hard, but it’s kind of a relief.”
“So this is why you couldn’t find a wedding dress?” Ava said as she sat on the stool at her vanity counter.
Sienna laughed. “Probably.”
“How’s Preston? And his family.”
“Preston’s taking it hard. His family hates me.”
“No, they don’t. But before you take this any further, I want you to slow down. You’re under a lot of pressure. You know we wanted you to wait to marry until after you finished school. Maybe stress is making you confused.”
“I don’t think so. And, Mom, I can’t marry someone just because you and Dad love him.”
“Of course not,” Ava shot back as she wrapped her robe tighter around her.
“Anyway, I need to talk to you about something else,” Sienna said.
“What is it?” Ava said softly, still unable to let go of the end of this perfect future for her daughter.
“Two things. First, I’m on academic probation.”
“What? Why?” Ava’s head spun.
“I’ve been burned out with school for a while.”
Without intention, Ava walked down the hall into Sienna’s room full of cool shades of red and black. There was no clutter, no posters on the walls, no frills or fluff. That was Sienna— organized and ambitious. Her daughter had certainly never used such words as academic probation or burned out.
“What’s really going on?” Ava had a moment of imagining the worst.
“My life has been all about Preston, school, and the future for years. I’m tired of it.”
“Do you want to take a semester off and come home?” Even as Ava said it, she thought about the repercussions. Sienna had a plan all figured out. She wanted to be in law school by the next year with a degree in international law before she was twenty-five. For years Ava and Dane had teased Sienna about their need to invest in a Dutch airline for all the flights they’d need to make to and from the International Tribunal in The Hague. When she’d met Preston, Ava savored the idea of her daughter practicing law in Dallas while she helped out with any grandbabies who came along.
“No, Mom. But—”
“But what?” Then it hit her. Sienna already had a plan. Of course her daughter wouldn’t toss everything away. Instead, she’d revised her plan, and Ava sat at her daughter’s desk, waiting to take in what it was this time.
“Well, it might sound a little crazy . . . Oh, hang on a sec, I need to answer this call.” With that, Ava was on hold.
Ava opened the top drawer of Sienna’s desk and fiddled through a pad of Post-it Notes. The buildup to whatever Sienna was about to tell her was eating a hole in her stomach. Ava liked her ducks in a row and secretly thought people who did spontaneous things, lived by the seat of their pants and all that, were somewhat foolish. They were missing out on being the best they could be. Why not instead hone your life into the best possible version of yourself? Sienna ascribed to the same sort of logic, yet suddenly she was breaking up with a longterm boyfriend and wanting time off from school.
“I’m back,” Sienna said.
Ava inhaled and steeled herself for what would come next.
“Tell me.”
“I want to live in Nepal for a year.”
Ava burst into laughter. “Okay, Sienna.”
Nepal was as ridiculous as Sienna saying she was running away to join the circus. Even with her innate desire for justice in the world, Sienna required a certain level of luxury: five-star accommodations, pedicures, and just the right labels in clothing.
“Mom.”
“What it is?”
“I’m serious. There’s this guy—”
“Oh no . . .” Now this was making a little more sense, and Ava knew her daughter wasn’t ready for a new guy in her life.
“No, it’s not like that. There’s nothing going on.”
“Okay.”
“He’s this professor at the university. He teaches Greek. I started going to this group, and they want to really tackle a lot of the social justice topics.”
“So is this like an internship?”
“No, Mom. It’s just me and some people going to Nepal.”
Again Ava waited for her daughter to reveal that she was teasing her, but then Sienna kept going on about the plan this group had created.
“It wouldn’t be just Nepal. That’s where we’d start. I’d like to explore all over Southeast Asia—Indonesia, the Philippines, Malaysia . . .”
Sienna talked on in her rapid, excited tone that was usually reserved for something profound like an article in the Atlantic Monthly, a documentary about children in Africa, or a deep theological study. Sienna loved to learn, but that had never sent her to scary places before.
“Those are really dangerous places. Your dad will never agree to this.”
“I already talked to Dad. He was worried, but he thinks it’s exactly what God wants for my life.”
“When was that?” Ava felt a sudden sense of betrayal between the two of them. How could they leave her out of this?
“A few days ago.”
“A few days ago?”
“Mom, this is totally out of my comfort zone, and it’s not like anything I’ve ever done. It sounds crazy to me, so I know it’s terrifying for you. But it’s also exactly what you’ve always wanted for me. You wanted me to go on mission trips in high school and understand people from different cultures than ours.”
Sienna had always been good at turning a subject around. It was one reason Dane teased Sienna about becoming a lawyer when she was a little girl. If they talked much longer, Sienna might convince Ava that it was her idea for her brown-haired, blue-eyed, All-American girl to drop out of school and gypsy around Southeast Asia.
“Why right now?” Ava asked, stopping Sienna mid-sentence. The question was directed as much to God as to her daughter. Ava knew God’s timing was intentional and coincidences weren’t that at all. So why was He allowing all of this at the exact same time?
“I don’t know exactly,” Sienna said, her voice becoming sincere. “I’m seeing things differently than before. I wanted to go into law to stick up for the underdog and punish people for harming others.”
“Ever since you were almost expelled for pushing Kelsey Blakely down after she put gum in Trina Glasgow’s hair?”
Sienna laughed. “Yeah, I always needed to defend those who didn’t defend themselves.�
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“It’s a beautiful attribute.”
“But I realize that while I was defending people, I felt superior to them. That’s what I want to change. I want to be among people who aren’t from my world, to learn from them, and not just come at them with my Americanized ideals. Then I’ll be truly effective in my career.”
Ava fell back onto her daughter’s bed, staring at the ceiling Sienna had looked up at all of those years as she grew from a girl to a young woman. How could she argue with Sienna or with God over her daughter’s epiphany and longing for more? Yet Ava couldn’t imagine a year of her daughter loose out in the world, especially in some of the most dangerous places.
“You’re doing this because of the breakup. Instead of a rebound guy, you’ve got a rebound trip.”
“No, this is one reason I knew Preston wasn’t right for me.”
“Because he didn’t support you running off to third-world countries?”
“They’re called developing nations now, not third-world countries. And some of the countries are quite advanced.”
“I guess I have a lot to learn too.”
“Mom?”
“What, sweetie?” Ava closed her eyes, wishing for her own year away. Why couldn’t the world just freeze for a while so that she could rest, regain her strength, and catch up with it all?
“Just pray about it, okay? I’m going to get my grades up this semester. This wouldn’t start till summer.”
“This summer?” Ava wanted to grab hold of all of her loved ones and rein them all in. She’d counseled many women stressed-out with their children in the home. They had no idea how much harder it was when you didn’t have them safely beneath your own roof.
Ava sat with the phone in her hands after Sienna had hung up. She watched a blue jay outside swoop down from the trees and onto the edge of their neighbor’s birdbath sitting in the front lawn. The autumn leaves were nearly gone now and the winter drab was coming soon.
“Why can’t anything good remain?” she whispered.
Eighteen
KAYANNE AND HER DONUTS DID LITTLE TO SOOTHE AVA. HER best friend struggled to hide her excitement over Sienna’s decision to see the world. Since her divorce Kayanne had gone on several mission trips to Haiti and Costa Rica. Her financial crash had forcibly changed her perspective as well.
“I know it’s scary, but . . .”
Ava wasn’t ready to process the benefits of an adventure. She also knew her daughter would expect them to fund the grand journey.
“She’ll figure it out,” Kayanne assured her. “She’s going to learn the truth about your finances anyway—and she can handle it. It’s not like your childhood and being told there might not be food to eat.”
Ava was stung by the truth in Kayanne’s words. She tried protecting her children from the fear she’d known as a child, hearing her grandmother harp about the lack of money as if the world were on fire and soon they’d all burn up.
When Kayanne left, Ava tossed the donuts and ran two miles on her treadmill until her legs stung with pain. She’d slacked off on her running in the past year and had gained some weight, but suddenly she needed to do something or else climb the walls waiting for Dane to return.
Dane arrived in late afternoon and appeared so weary that Ava stuffed back her anger over his approval of Sienna dropping out of college for a trip to Asia. He wore jeans and a pullover sweatshirt instead of his usual business attire.
“Where were you?” Ava asked as he sat in the dining room. He set his elbows on the table and rubbed his eyes.
“I met Jimmy for lunch since the office is closed.”
Jimmy was their personal lawyer and a friend since right after college. Ava hadn’t realized that the entire company was closed.
“What does he say?”
“Confirms everything I suspected.”
“Tell me. Stop trying to protect me,” Ava said in frustration.
Dane nodded softly as if giving up. “Our accounts are currently frozen while the investigation is going on. I basically have no job and can’t move on to something else until this is cleared up.”
“So we have no money and you have no job.” Ava sat at the table across from him.
“Not much money. I have an emergency fund in the safe, but it won’t get us through many months . . .”
Ava listened with her hands flat against the wood. She saw her fingerprints smudge on the polished surface. They’d sat in these same positions when they’d planned the funerals of Dane’s parents when they’d died six months apart from each other. These weren’t their usual seats when eating dinner, but perhaps this was their necessary placement when facing a crisis.
Dane’s head hung forward as he kneaded his temple with long fingers. Ava asked random questions as they came to mind. He answered with little emotion, painting a bleak picture.
“So what were all those late nights and the trip to New York about?” Ava asked, gazing toward the window where a deep sunset painted the western sky.
“It was about saving the company. Obviously a failure now. We were wading through the recession, but this investigation will fold us. That’s exactly what our competitors planned. It’s a smart but devious move. But big picture, it doesn’t matter. I prayed and prayed about this.”
“You believed God would pull you through.”
“I did believe that. And I put too much energy in trying to save it. I’m tired.”
“What happens now?”
He rubbed his forehead. “I don’t know. I’m hoping God has a better plan than the ones I’ve tried.”
“He does. I just wonder what it is.” Ava’s heart raced with the uncertainty.
“Do you want to pray together?” Dane asked.
Ava swallowed hard as she moved to the chair beside her husband and took his hands. Times like these broke couples apart or joined them together. She wanted to escape, but where would she go? Still, the compulsion welled up strong within her, despite what her mind and heart were telling her. Her husband was praying for them, and she’d longed for such intimacy for a long time. So why now did she want to yank away her hands and rush out the door?
That night, Ava gave an abbreviated explanation to Jason, and Ava heard Dane talking with Sienna over the phone. Ava wished she could keep her children safe from what this might mean to their lives, to Sienna going to law school or Asia, to Jason who’d asked for a snowboarding trip to Utah over Christmas break. And Christmas was coming. Would they have a Christmas without gifts? And what about their house? How long could they live there before being booted out? Ava felt somewhat guilty over the relief that they didn’t have to tell their daughter they couldn’t afford her wedding.
As Ava’s questions crowded in on top of one another, her husband’s prayer offered little solace.
In the next few days, Ava tried adjusting to the instability. Dane hadn’t given her an actual budget to work with. She didn’t know if she should look for a job or what. Dane was inundated with talking to colleagues and corporate lawyers, answering questions from investigators, shifting through documents—and he was sleeping. A lot.
Dane never slept in. He rose at five during the week and five thirty or six on weekends. Dane never understood people who wasted the day in bed or shuffling around their lives instead of grasping it with two fists.
Now her husband slept with his mouth open and one arm up by his face. She picked up his shirt and pants off the floor, pulling a balled-up sock from under the bed. Dane’s nighttime routine included his clothes going straight to the hamper. They joked about his obsessive-compulsive behavior, and in their early years of marriage it had been an issue with Ava’s own neatness suddenly not good enough.
In college, Ava’s roommates had teased her about her organized shelves, the organizing baskets under her bed that was always made unless she was in it. But compared to Dane’s rigid habits, Ava felt like a slacker. They’d eased into a workable routine. Now, twenty-six years later, Ava didn’t know what to do
with this sleepy man with a scruffy chin rapidly turning toward beard material.
With Dane home and Ava avoiding most social events, she found more time for a last attempt at saving the willow tree.
Ava read online tree forums, posted and responded to advice, then searched the local university for a plant specialist. She sent pictures in, met with the arborist and his intern, and stopped in at several nurseries. The conclusion from the experts and second and third opinions were conclusive. The tree was dead.
Leo held the chain saw, looking more glum than usual. He stared at the saw and peered at her sideways, not meeting her eyes straight on.
He cleared his throat. “I ain’t never been as sad to cut a tree as this one, and I don’t even like the thing.”
Ava smiled while biting her lip, but her throat felt thick with emotion. Why was this affecting her so?
“Maybe we should wait till after the holidays or till springtime. If the leaves don’t bud, then we will know for sure.”
Ava wanted to continue hoping. But some things couldn’t be saved. Maybe some things shouldn’t be saved, she mused.
“Let’s get it over with.”
He studied her a moment longer as if to be assured of her certainty. Then Leo pulled the handle, and the saw roared to life. Ava stepped back, covering her ears.
She thought of the five willow trees along the Black Rock River. The bench beneath this tree would soon be surrounded by all sky as her beloved willow was turned to wood chips or burned in Leo’s fireplace.
Leo bent forward, bringing the roaring teeth toward the smooth bark.
“Wait!” she yelled, making Leo jump back.
“What?” he yelled with a terrified expression.
“Don’t do it!”
Leo shut down the saw and the noise died away. He cursed beneath his breath and with a frustrated wave of his arm headed for his truck parked outside the back gate.
Ava stared at the pathetic branches of what had been her full, luscious tree. It was gone. It was over.
