by C. R. Jane
Had she been terrified in the end? Or did she welcome death as a chance to escape the hell she'd found herself in?
My thoughts haunted me. I could still picture her face as clear as day, the loving way she would look at me, the sweet words that she would speak to me. I understood heartbreak now. I'd thought I'd experienced it before when I first lost them, and after I thought that my men had betrayed me...but this was something else. This was my heart actually aching inside of me. This was my heart beating so out of control that it felt like my chest was going to explode.
This was the heartache that they sang about in country songs, the kind of pain that artists spent their whole lives trying to put into words and into pictures.
Having to say goodbye unwillingly was a monster like none other. Especially when that goodbye was permanent.
And I wept. I wept like never before. It was a full-body kind of cry, the kind where your whole body shakes and you can't breathe because you're crying so hard.
I'd lost myself in my sorrow, and it was only the feel of Thane's arms around me that brought me back.
"Baby," he whispered in a voice as soft as a sigh. I turned so that I was facing him and melted against him, wanting him to somehow take this pain away from me. I couldn't stop crying and my tears soaked his uniform. He didn't say a word about it though. He just stroked my hair softly as my pain continued to flow out of me.
“Tell me it gets better," I begged him in a hiccupped voice. Although Thane's mother was still alive, who she had really been...his actual mother had died a long time ago. I know Thane understood grief and had somehow managed to live with it. I needed his strength right now more than ever.
I suddenly couldn't deal with what I was feeling. I was certain that if it continued, I was going to die right then and there. It might have sounded dramatic, but anyone who has experienced true pain would know what I was talking about.
I pulled on his uniform frantically. "I need you to make me forget. Just for a little while. I can't breathe," I explained to him as Thane looked at me concerned.
I tried to kiss him and he let me, but he prevented it from going any deeper than a light brush of lips.
"Please," I begged him.
"Pet. I don't think you're in an okay state of mind right now. I don't think that will help," he tried to tell me, gently trying to keep some distance between us. But I wasn't having any of that.
"Make me forget. Do it," I ordered, and Thane stared at me, torn.
"Promise you won't hate me later," he whispered in a throaty voice. I just pulled him towards me without answering. I locked eyes with him. Thane's sapphire eyes sweltered as they gazed deeply into mine, and I could see a longing in them. Despite what he said, Thane wanted this.
Desperate to feel better, I leaned in and placed my lips on his. There was nothing cordial about this kiss as I crushed against him with hopeless need. I almost expected him to pull away from me again, but he didn’t. His arms rested on my hips, drawing me close. As my lips pressed against his, he began to kiss me back, gentle at first, but then more intensely. Thane's tongue parted my mouth open, and the tip slid inside, making me sigh softly. His hands moved from my waist to my back and then lower, squeezing my ass to pull me even nearer to him.
I could feel his need pressing through his uniform. It sent a wave of desire coursing through me. Thane lifted me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, gripping him like a vice as he pinned me against the wall. Thane carried me to the king bed, laying me gently on the silk cover, his lips never leaving mine. I felt his weight as he hovered above me. Though he was a large, muscular man, his heaviness wasn’t uncomfortable, it never would be. Having him on top of me felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was the comfort I needed right now, to feel like I wasn't alone.
His hand slipped past the waistline of my pants, moving downward inch by inch, sending tantalizing chills down my spine. After what felt like an eternity, he finally cupped my sex in his hand. I groaned, my body swollen and sensitive with need. He inserted two fingers inside of me, air hissing through his teeth when he felt how wet I perversely was, despite the situation.
I closed my eyes and basked in pleasure as his fingers continued moving in and out, almost to the tune of my heart as it thumped against my chest. Soon my back arched off of the bed, and my toes began to curl. I was getting close, so close, when suddenly, he stopped.
I looked up to see the uncertainty still in his eyes.
I narrowed my gaze, annoyed that he wasn't giving me what I needed, even as I knew in the back of my mind that everything about this situation was wrong.
My agitation quelled when Thane quickly began to take off his clothes.
I stared at his naked body, appreciating the curve of every muscle, knowing that I would never get used to such perfection. His abs rippled as he moved, making him look more like a god than man. My eyes moved down slowly, taking in his tantalizing body and letting it distract me from everything else. My eyes flicked to his again, and this time I saw a burning plea within their depths.
Unable to wait any longer, I grabbed Thane's bicep and pulled him toward me. I let out a sigh of relief as he eased inside of me, the pleasant pressure filling me to the brim. I ran my hands over his flexed muscles, a coating of sweat making them gleam in the starlight that streamed in through the windows. Thane's hips moved against mine as we synced our tempos, the two of us getting lost in a familiar dance that got better every time.
I forgot everything else and focused on the pleasure building up inside of me. Thane's breathing accelerated as he picked up speed.
"Are you close?" Thane asked, a tinge of desperation in his voice that I knew meant he was doing everything he could to stop himself from coming before I did.
Belatedly, I realized that although the sex felt phenomenal as usual, I wasn't even close to coming. My sorrow was making sure of that. "I'm about to come," I assured him, wanting him to finish even if I couldn't. Thane let out a moan of frustration, and then he let out a loud groan as he finally came. Staying inside of me, he rolled us gently so that he was beside me instead of on top of me.
"Fuck," he muttered. "I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself."
"I love you," I told him, not caring in the least bit that I hadn't orgasmed. I knew what we'd just done was a very unhealthy way to cope, but connected to him like this, I felt a little less broken.
As long as Thane, Derrial, and Corran were around...I would never be alone.
We stayed entwined for a long time, and the pain eased enough in my heart so that breathing was a little less painful.
Thane's comm on his wrist vibrated suddenly, and Derrial's voice came through the speaker barking at Thane to get his ass to the deck and help him.
"I can tell him to fuck off," Thane whispered, stroking my hair softly as we continued to stare at one another.
"No, this was selfish of me. You need to go help. I need to go help," I told him, pulling away from him reluctantly.
I got off the bed and began putting my clothes back on, missing his comforting touch already.
"It won't ever stop hurting," he told me as he laid there still watching me. "But one day, you'll wake up and realize that you can think more about the good times with her instead of thinking about the fact that she's gone."
I pursed my lips, trying to prevent myself from crying again. Who was I to have the luxury of grieving, when the twelve women out there had been to hell and back in a way that couldn't be fixed?
Thane got out of bed and hurriedly put on his clothes as well. "Can you help the women and see if there's anything I need while I find out what Derrial needs?" he asked hesitantly.
I tried to look tougher than I was, giving him a resolute nod, determined to pull my weight and help these women. At least in that way, I could honor my mother's memory.
Thane gave me a long kiss, and then he was gone.
I took a deep breath and followed him out into the hallway, going the opposite way to where
I knew the women had set up shop. Although there were several bedrooms on the ship, much nicer than I would have assumed the Khonsu capable of possessing, the women had chosen to stay together. I think after so many years of being locked up in cages side by side, they needed the comfort that only their close proximity to each other would bring.
As I walked, I felt a strange twinge in my stomach, almost as if little butterflies had taken up flight. Stopping in the hallway, I rubbed my stomach, wondering if I'd eaten something strange. It was disconcerting. I knew you didn't really feel anything with your first baby until around eighteen weeks, and I was far off from that. I'd have to ask Thane and Derrial if they had anything for stomach issues that was safe to take when pregnant.
I walked into the large common room where pillows and blankets had been laid out on the floor. The sofa-like seats in the room had been dismantled and the cushions laid out as makeshift beds. While some of the women were sleeping, most of the others were talking softly, their eyes flitting around the room like they still couldn't believe where they were.
I found the Vepar and her child, and automatically gravitated closer to her. I was intrigued by the baby's horns and tail, really realizing for the first time what having a baby with alien DNA inside of me could actually entail.
She gave me a smile as I sank to the floor next to her, and continued to softly sing to her baby that was struggling to keep her eyes open. My stomach did the strange twitching again, and I rubbed it absentmindedly as I stared avidly at the baby.
"How far along are you?" she asked me as the little darling finally succumbed to sleep.
"How did you know?" I asked.
"I overheard your men at the prison camp," she softly explained. "And it's a pregnancy thing, the constant rubbing of your belly. I did it too."
"Not far along," I answered, smiling at her as I caught myself rubbing my stomach once again. "Just a month or so."
She pursed her lips, like she was trying to hold back a smile. "Oh dear," she said.
"What?" I asked, alarmed.
"Your baby is part Vepar, is it not?" she asked.
"Yes," I answered, leaving out the fact that I didn't know what part Vepar the baby actually was.
"At a month along, you're already a quarter of the way done," she explained matter-of-factly as if she was trying to deliver the news quickly like you would tear off a band-aid.
My mouth dropped open, panic rising up and overcoming the steady drum of sorry that was constantly pulsing through me.
"You're just joking, right?" I whispered, the small bulge under my fingertips taking on new meaning.
"No," she said slowly now, her face a little wary in reaction to the panic that flooded my features at the news that I was going to be a mother in under three months.
"Oh," I responded lamely, my eyes widening as I absorbed the news. A rush of irritation passed over me that none of the guys had bothered to tell me that. But they'd probably been waiting for an ideal time...like not during a wedding. I didn't have the best track record of handling major surprises well.
My eyes flicked to the baby, and I got the awful realization that she most likely didn't know who the father of it was either.
She saw my look, and pulled the baby closer to her protectively. "It's from their experiments, but she's not a monster," she exclaimed vehemently.
"I would never think that," I responded honestly. I had always believed that monsters weren't born...they were made. It was the only way that I could deal with the fact that my baby was half stranger.
"She's some species that I'm not sure of. The Khonsu transfers all failed, killing the female host immediately. I was lucky that they had switched to other transfers when it was my turn," she explained in a hollow voice. "I never thought I would get the chance to have a child. It's been so long since any Vepar woman has succeeded. I'll never regret what I've been through," she whispered.
"My baby is from an experiment too," I told her haltingly, my voice choked up from witnessing this woman's strength. "I'm the first Vepar/human transfer they've done."
Her eyes swam with tears as she reached out and softly touched my hand. "Then you know that loving them was the only option you ever had."
I nodded, cradling my tiny bump protectively as the butterfly type feeling started up again.
"You said that I'm a quarter of the way through...Would I be able to feel the baby already?" I asked.
She smiled. "Yes. I felt her within two weeks. It's incredible isn't it?"
I nodded, unable to form words. I was awestruck that I was actually feeling my baby. The woman yawned just then, and I realized that I needed to stop bugging her so that she could get some sleep. They had all been through so much.
Just then, it hit me that I hadn't gotten her name yet. "What's your name?" I asked, feeling stupid that I hadn't asked her for it yet.
"Hasso," she responded with a smile, and I nodded as I stood up.
"Please let me know if you need anything. I'm going to go check on the guys on the flight deck, but I'll be back."
"Thank you, Ella," she said sweetly as she laid the baby down next to her and curled up on the cushion that she'd laid out.
I was smiling as I left the room, something that I hadn't thought possible under the circumstances. But every slight twinge in my stomach signaling that my baby was in there brought another me another spark of joy.
Thane and Derrial were pouring over a map when I reached the flight deck. The Khonsu technology on the ship was more primitive than the Vepar, but still far exceeded that of Earth's.
They both looked at me concerned when I came in, but I waved them on to keep doing whatever they were doing. I huddled in a chair in the corner and stroked my stomach softly, lost in thought about everything that had happened over the last fourty-eight hours. I wouldn't ever be able to say that my life was boring. After all of this was over, that's what I wanted. Boring. Everyday. Forever.
Just then, the comm came to life on Derrial and Thane's wrist. The one on their wrist held the ability to see the person you were talking to, so they had started using it instead of the earpiece one.
Corran's voice came through the comm, and then a second later a holographic image of him appeared. He was frantic looking, hurrying through some kind of hallway it looked like at a rapid run.
"I'm on my way. Your message just came through," he said frantically. "Where's Ella? Is she okay? Our comms have never failed before. The Council must have had some kind of block in this lab that prevented messages from getting in or out. I only got your message when I snuck back out."
He ran a hand through his hair and then pulled at it, looking like he was going to have a nervous breakdown.
I got off my chair and darted over to the table so he could see me. I hated how panicked Corran's voice was.
"I'm right here," I said reassuringly. "And we're fine. We got out of there. You don't need to come."
He held up a hand, almost as if he was tracing the image of my face. "What aren't you telling me?" he asked, his voice a little calmer. "How much danger were you in?"
I cast a guilty look at the guys, not wanting to give Corran the full picture of how bad it got when he was on his own important mission. I went for diversion.
"We were able to rescue twelve female prisoners," I told him, my voice not as happy as it should have been when delivering the news, because it made me think of my mother again.
Derrial saw how much I was struggling and pulled me towards him. "Ella found out her mother had passed," he said somberly, and Corran's face dropped at the news.
"Shit," he said as he put a hand across his eyes as his face wrinkled with pain. "I'm so sorry, baby."
"It's not okay. But eventually, it will be," I told him. "But we shouldn't even be talking about this right now. Are you safe? Did you find anything?"
Corran frowned. "This wasn't the site the mutated virus originated from," he said annoyed. "But I did find a document that had the location of some of th
e other labs. I just can't believe that the Council had all of these operating right under my nose."
"We were a little distracted when we went to Earth," Thane said jestingly.
A hint of a smile appeared on Corran's face as his gaze flicked over to me once again. "That we were."
There was a loud noise in the background of Corran's comm, and he looked behind him and cursed. "I've got to go. I'll send the coordinates of the labs to you just in case you need one. I'll just be going down the list."
There was another loud boom, and he started running, throwing glances behind him every couple of seconds like someone was chasing him. My heart raced, and a scream was caught in my throat as I watched him. This was the definition of true helplessness.
"I'll send a message when I'm back on the ship, but I've got to go," he said, before his image disappeared.
I grabbed Derrial's wrist and began to press on the comm. "Get him back on," I begged before Thane gently grabbed me and pulled me away.
"Corran knows how to handle himself, but he needs to be able to concentrate," he told me, but I could see the fear that lingered in his eyes.
I don't think I would survive if something happened to him.
I had already lost so much.
We waited tensely for Corran to alert us that he had made it back on the ship. I paced the room, every sound that I heard made me look hopefully at Derrial and Thane that it was Corran trying to send us an update.
But so far, it never was.
I had just made what seemed like my hundredth circle of the room when all of a sudden, sharp pains started to shoot through my stomach. I sunk to my knees and held it protectively.
"Ella," Derrial and Thane both cried, dropping what they were doing and running to my side. "What's going on?"
"It hurts," I gasped. "I think something is wrong with the baby."
I let out a hiss when another sharp pain darted through me. The guys looked at me in panic, obviously having no idea what to do. This was Corran's territory, and he wasn't reachable at the moment.
