by K. I. Lynn
My eyes scanned back and forth between the tests and the box, hoping that I was somehow reading it wrong and the plus sign somehow meant not pregnant.
In a daze, I moved back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed before slipping down to the floor, staring off into the distance. Tears began to well in my eyes. How would he react? Would he be happy? Angry? God, I hoped for happy.
I tried to ask myself how I felt, but I was just . . . numb. In disbelief and full of anxiety. I mean, I wanted kids, but I also had wanted to be married and for it to be something we decided as a couple to do. This was unplanned.
I was so trapped in my own head that I didn’t even hear Gavin enter.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked, entering the bedroom and kneeling in front of me.
I pointed to the counter in the bathroom where the decider of our fate sat. He walked over, and I watched his back tense as he froze.
“How did this happen?” he asked, his voice flat, empty of emotion. “How did this happen, Emma?”
“I don’t know,” I responded, my tone much like his; lifeless.
He shook his head. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he growled. “Not this again.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked. He wasn’t making sense. “Again?”
He turned back to me. “We’re about to move, you just started a new job, I’m about to take over as CEO. We don’t need this right now.”
It wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for. “Well whether we need it or not, it’s happening.” My chest flared up, tears filling my eyes.
His eyes became slits, and I felt the warmth drain from him. It reminded me of his earlier days at the Cameo. Mr. Grayson had returned, and nowhere in his features could I see my loving Gavin.
“Is this what you planned? What you wanted all along?” There was no life in his voice. It was cold, thinly veiled anger.
I pulled in a sharp breath as I stared at him. “What the fuck are you implying, Gavin?” What was going on? Why was he so angry?
“Was this all about money?”
Shock and confusion bathed me. Money? Did he think I was some gold-digging slut?
“Why, Emma?”
“Condoms aren’t infallible, Mr. Grayson,” I spat. “Neither is pulling out.”
“Is that why you gave in so easily to my advances?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Answer me!”
Anger vibrated through me. I wasn’t going to continue listening to the shit he was spewing.
“Get the fuck out of my apartment.”
“Did. You. Plan. This.”
He stood there, staring at me.
“I just wanted you. I wanted you. Now, after what you just said, I want nothing to do with you. I don’t need you or your money. Now, get out!” I fumed, the tears streaming unbidden as I pushed on his chest.
My dreams of a life with Gavin were crumbling apart.
Time passed at an agonizingly slow pace. I waited and waited for him to come back. To apologize. To say he didn’t mean any of it.
Every hour without him made the hole inside my chest bigger. Every minute I curled deeper and deeper into my blankets in hopes that it was all a bad dream and I would wake up.
Saturday came and went as did Sunday, with no word from Gavin. I’d hoped he would come back, try and work it out, apologize, but he hadn’t even sent a text.
I tried texting him, to see if he’d calmed down, to see if he was ready to talk, but there was no response. When I called, it went to voicemail.
By Sunday night there’d been no response and I had my answer—we were over.
In five minutes, our relationship ended, cold turkey.
When that realization hit, agony enveloped me. I was so confused, so hurt. There was no answer as to why my loving boyfriend flipped out.
Everywhere I looked, there was the evidence of him, making the pain unbearable. His clothes were still scattered around my bedroom, in the laundry basket on the table. The bathroom was filled with his toiletries.
But he was gone.
I couldn’t even comprehend how things had so suddenly changed.
The flame which burns the hottest and brightest is fastest to burn out, right?
Somehow, I managed to get up for work on Monday, but as I walked up to my apartment that evening, I couldn’t remember a single thing that happened. The only thing I knew was that I didn’t see him at all.
Upon entering, there was something wrong. Someone had been there, but the only things they took were Gavin’s. Everything. All of his stuff was gone.
The weight in my stomach sank even further. I wrapped my arms around my waist as my knees buckled and I slipped down to the floor. My whole chest heaved in sobs, tears bouncing on the hardwood floors.
He really was gone. He didn’t even want to see me, so he made sure to come when I wasn’t home. It was over. Our wild ride ended in a huge explosion and left me with a parting gift.
He didn’t want us.
What I couldn’t stand to remember was the pain. Gut-wrenching pain I saw in his eyes beneath his anger and wrath.
It confused me.
I watched as my dreams shattered when the door slammed behind him.
Gone.
He didn’t want a child, our child, and we didn’t need him. I’d done everything on my own thus far. I could raise our . . . my child without him.
I really was nothing more than a passing fancy to him. I just wore out my shiny, now an old toy.
My heart fractured a final time before bursting into millions of pieces, the last bit of hope dying.
They were right. They were all right.
It took two hours to peel myself up from the floor. Another two when I decided I needed to figure out what I needed to do to get ready for a baby.
With or without Gavin, in roughly eight months I was going to have another life to take care of. I needed a clear plan on how I was going to accomplish that.
Tuesday I was in a clearer mindset, once I had a task to handle. My heart hammered in my chest as I fidgeted with the hem of my sleeve. Insurance wasn’t available for thirty days, and I was still a few days shy.
I arrived early, hoping Julianne was in her office and could talk to me before everyone got in. Luckily, the light was on and I saw her figure sitting at her desk as I stepped up to her open door. I knocked on the frame and her blonde head snapped up, a smile forming as she looked at me.
“Trying to get brownie points by coming in early?” she asked.
“Can I talk to you for a moment?”
Her smile faltered, and she waved me in. “Come on in and shut the door.”
I walked in and sat in the chair opposite of her.
“What can I do for you?”
“Well, I was wanting to get some information on short-term leave,” I said, sitting down in the chair across from her desk.
“Is everything all right?” she asked, and I could hear the genuine worry in her voice. “You weren’t looking very good yesterday, and now this? It worries me.”
I didn’t know if it was the hormones, the stress, my depression, or a combination of all, but her kind words opened a flood gate and everything began pouring out.
“I found out I was pregnant on Friday, and when I told my boyfriend, he flipped. I kicked him out, and I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Jesus . . . What the hell?”
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I can’t get it to stop.”
I could make out Julianne standing and walking over to me through my tears. She sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around me.
“I know, it’s okay.”
Finally, after a few more minutes I was able to compose myself.
“I’m so sorry. I’m not usually like this.”
“I’d probably be reacting the same way if my husband had been that big of an asshole . . . right before I kicked him in the balls, that is.”
“He is the biggest ass
hole I’ve ever met, but with me . . . he was sweet and loving and wonderful. I couldn’t believe the things he said. I’d hoped he was just leaving to clear his head, but he never came back.” I loved him so much and never expected the reaction I received.
“Men are idiots,” she said with a sigh. “To answer your original question, unfortunately you will not be eligible for pay while on maternity leave as you will not have been here a year by that time.”
I nodded in understanding and took a deep breath. “Then if possible, I’d like to get as much overtime in as I can.”
“Have you seen a doctor yet?”
I shook my head. “I don’t have one, and hadn’t had the time to look for one yet. My insurance also doesn’t kick in here for another week.”
She stood and walked back over to her desk. “I’m going to give you the name of my doctor—she’s wonderful. I want you to call and make an appointment for the day your insurance kicks in. If they can’t see you because you’re a new patient, let me know, and I’ll get you in.”
“Why are you being so nice to me?”
“Ah, I see my reputation has caught your ears,” she said with a smile. “Bottom line; I like you. You’re a great worker from what I’ve seen, with a great personality. I think you have a lot of potential, and I don’t want to lose you.”
When I left her office I felt better, more secure about how I was going to handle everything. Julianne said she would look into overtime but didn’t think it would be a problem. Work was always piling up, and the company was in good standing.
Most of the office had trickled in by the time I returned to my desk. There was plenty of work to busy myself with, and I dug in. Anything to distract me from the pain.
Just before lunch, an email popped up. It was a company-wide press release, talking about how the company was doing, and at the bottom was a picture of Alex Cates and Gavin Grayson. He was smiling and so handsome, and I missed him so much.
My chest constricted, and a small sob left me before I could stop it.
“Hey, are you okay?” Josh asked from the cube next to me.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I nodded as I attempted to blink back the tears.
“Want to go to lunch and talk about it?”
I wiped a tear from my eye. “You want to listen to me talk about my problems?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “If my wife knew I left a woman in pain by herself, she would skin me alive.”
“I’m not exactly by myself.” Especially not in the literal sense. Not anymore.
“No?”
“No. There are people all around me,” I pointed out, smiling as best I could.
“Very funny, Emma. Come on, I know a great place nearby.”
With a sigh, I relented and logged out. Every time the elevator doors opened, I held my breath. Fear, hope, and longing raced through me. I just wanted to see him, to talk to him.
“I hope Mexican is okay,” Josh said as I walked with him out of the building and down the street.
I thought about it, checked with my sensitive stomach, and decided it was worth a go. The place was packed with the usual lunch rush, and we struggled to find a table.
“So, who’s the guy?” he asked after we ordered.
“It . . . He . . .” I trailed off, sighing and slumping down in my chair. “Can I have your word you won’t tell anyone?”
“I know we’ve only been cube wall mates for a few weeks, but my lips are sealed.”
Taking a deep, steadying breath, I told him all about my pregnancy and who the father was and what happened. Once finished, I was crying and was met with silence.
“Gavin Grayson. The guy who is vice president of Cates is your baby daddy?” he asked in wide-eyed disbelief.
I rolled my eyes. “I hate that term.”
“But you have to admit it’s appropriate in this situation.”
“More like unwilling sperm donor at this point.” I dipped a chip into the salsa, loading it up. It dribbled all over on its way into my mouth.
“Oh, I bet he was very willing,” he said, handing me a napkin.
“Thanks,” I said as I wiped up the mess. “It’s still hard to believe that I’m not only pregnant, but that Gavin doesn’t want us. He’s the one that had all the grand plans for us.”
“Maybe he was in shock?” he offered.
I heaved a sigh. “I don’t think so. It’s been days, and he hasn’t contacted me. He won’t call me back and even moved all of his stuff out when I was at work.”
Josh’s lips formed a thin line. “Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight? Ava is making her famous pasta bake.”
I stared at him as I contemplated it. Having dinner with a lovey couple and their baby, or spending the evening alone with his scent still lingering?
I nodded. “Okay, sounds like a plan.”
We finished lunch and headed back to the office. Josh gave me his address, and it turned out he was only a couple of miles from where I lived. I was able to go home and change clothes before heading over.
As I walked up the flight of stairs to their apartment, I began to wonder if burdening Josh and his wife with my issues was really a good idea.
That all flew out the window when a small brunette with a cute bob cut answered the door.
“Emma!” Ava stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. “It’s so good to meet you.”
It felt good to be hugged, even by a stranger. I just really needed them at that point. Ava was a very warm person. There was no stopping the tears that welled in my eyes.
“You, too.”
“Ah, yeah, so Emma, this is my wife, Ava,” Josh said with a shake of his head. “And that little chunky monkey is April.”
I couldn’t help but laugh a little. Friendly was an understatement with Ava.
“Hi, April,” I said to the baby lying on her back on an activity mat. Her little feet kicked and her hands reached up as she let out delighted squeals.
“So, how are you feeling?” Ava asked. I turned to look at her, then glanced to Josh. “Oh, I’m sorry, Josh told me.”
“It’s fine. And things are okay. A lot of nausea going around.”
She nodded. “Oh, I remember those days. Have you been to the doctor yet?”
I shook my head. “No, I have an appointment set up for next week.”
“I still remember my first appointment. I got to see April when she was just this tiny nugget. Josh was totally enamored.”
My smile faded at the realization that Gavin wouldn’t be sitting there with me. In fact, I was going to go all alone, and when it was done, I had nobody to talk to about it.
“Emma?”
I sniffed. “Sorry.”
Ava pursed her lips before turning to her husband. “Josh, can you watch April while Emma helps me in the kitchen?”
“Daddy-daughter time!” he said to April with wide-eyed excitement, which garnered a toothless smile.
As soon as we entered the kitchen, Ava pulled out a chair from a small bistro set and gestured for me to sit.
“Are you okay? Really okay?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m not.”
“Josh said the father left.”
I nodded, then the dam broke. “It’s barely been a week, and I feel like I’m at the bottom of some pit. I’m pregnant, alone, no money, no support,” I rattled off. “My parents live thousands of miles away, and how am I going to tell them what a failure their daughter is?”
She handed me a tissue to wipe the tears that fell. Ava was the first person I’d really been able to open up to about the way I was feeling.
“Look, I know we just met, but you are not a failure.” She reached out and gave my hand a squeeze.
“If I’m not, then how the hell did things get so fucked up? Literally days ago I was so happy.” It felt like my chest was opening up all over again, agony spilling out of every pore.
“What happened?”
I sniffed and shrugged. “I wish I had some fa
ntastic story. That way I could understand it, maybe even explain it. It was a normal day, I wasn’t feeling well when I realized I was late, took a pregnancy test, showed it to him, and then he started this massive fight, insinuating I got pregnant on purpose for his money. To trap him or something. Then I threw him out.”
Ava’s expression dropped. “Has he contacted you?”
I shook my head as I wiped away another tear. “I haven’t seen him or heard from him since.”
“What a fucking dick move.”
A dark chuckle left me. “He’s well known for being an asshole, but not with me. I’m so confused. He flipped out and then moved out while I was at work. I didn’t plan this, I didn’t trick him. This was the pull-out method failing in a spectacular demonstration of a man’s inability to control himself.”
“Men can be selfish bastards,” she said. “But I hope for your sake that this was a miscommunication or something and that he’ll come to his senses.”
Desperation attempted to claw its way into my head, but I pushed it back. If he did, he was going to have to fight just as hard to get back in. “That would be nice, but I’m not counting on it. I’ve shifted all my focus to preparing for a baby.”
The timer on the oven sounded, and she stood to turn it off. “Well, just know you’re not alone, okay? I’m a mom; I’m here to help with whatever you need. It’s going to be okay.”
Steam filled the room as she opened up the oven and pulled out a large glass dish.
“Thanks,” I said. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about everything.
“And I’d be more than happy to go with you to your doctor’s appointment.”
I smiled up at her, suddenly happy that I decided to come over. “I would love to not go alone.”
With a smile, she turned and began pulling dishes down from the cabinets and silverware from drawers. She quickly set the table and called Josh into the dining room.
As he entered with April in his arms, she smiled up at him as he made funny faces. It was so adorable and heartwarming, leaving me more than a bit jealous, but I refused to let it show.
I moved my focus to the plate in front of me and the layer of gooey cheese. Thankfully, my stomach seemed to be fine with what I was smelling: penne pasta and tomato sauce with pieces of chicken topped with mozzarella.
