I was the one who was scared now. What the hell?!
Zee came to a halt just a few steps away from us and I grinned showing all my teeth. He returned the smile easily.
In an extra cherry voice as if rainbows are bursting left right and centre, I spoke,
“Hello friend! We were talking about guys and here you are. A guy!”
It was as if, I was trying to remind them both and myself that we were just friends, though none of them had asked.
“Why are you talking about guys? Anyone hit on you?” Zee gave me a forbidding look.
I gulped out of shock and doubt of Umber's theories being something. Then quickly discarded it off as idiotic and gulped again having nothing to say in answer to his impatient questioning look.
Shall I tell him about the guy on my mind all the freaking time?
“No one's hitting on me.” I said in one breathe.
Well, what was I supposed to say? Aariz was not flirting with me...Not really flirting.
“Then why do you have that face on?” Zee gave me a curious look.
“What face?”
“I-killed-someone-and- now-I'm-screwed, kind of face.”
“I have hurt someone...badly.” I
whispered gazing at the ground below.
“Wanna tell me about it?” He murmured softly, throwing his arm around my shoulders.
“I will go get something to eat.” Umber moved inside the house seeing the atmosphere getting serious.
I guessed she was still on with her theory, and had left to give us some privacy.
When I just shook my head, Zee sighed heavily, “I can understand. After all, it has not always been me, who solved your problems since the start of your life. Since you understood what problems were, it was not me, to whom you always came crying to and babbled your question bank on. It was...” Zee said almost reluctantly with a serene smile lingering on his face. His eyes on the neighbourhood house...the swing hottie, jackass’s house.
I wondered why.
“It was?” I prompted.
As if jerking out of something, he grinned, which looked forced,
“You, yourself.”
Before I could ponder much about his statement, Umber came back with a trey of food, halting our conversation.
We sat down on the grass in the backyard and gobbled on the yummy food she had brought.
All of a sudden, Umber spoke excitedly,
“Sani do you have a boyfriend?”
I chocked on the pizza, while Zee glared at me as if I was a certified criminal trespassing on his property.
I chose my words carefully,
“There are a few guys I'm friends with, who are very much boy the last I checked.”
“Why are you checking out boys?” Zee snapped at me.
“What’s his name?” Umber giggled.
Before I could answer, Zee said curtly, “She said plural.”
Umber argued,
“But there must be someone special she is all upside down about.”
Zee opened his mouth to flare back, while giving me a look of betrayal. I stopped them before he made me feel guilty for no reason.
“I'm not upset due to him.”
“So there is a ‘him’ among those 'friends.'” Umber did air quotes making me blurt out in annoyance,
“He keeps asking me for coffee or juice, or I don't know. Does it seem like I just eat all the time?! I love food, but c'mon! I'm not a cow!”
I widened my eyes warning them to dare not give me any crap about it, as they were both pressing their lips to stop from laughing.
“What’s his name?” Zee ruffled my hair as I slumped, resting my head against his knee, while Umber had her face propped on her palm, mischievously staring down at me as she munched on her pizza.
“I forgot.” I mumbled unable to face them.
Zee pulled my hand,
“Is that what you have been trying to say, your old problem of not being able to remember your classmates’ names?”
“My memory is just fine.” I said testily with my nose held high, while both of them chuckled.
I went on frustrated, “I can't remember this guy's name and I have not accepted his offer because...I just forget about it all the time!”
I almost cried in self-pity and I am sure, my cheeks turned pink in embarrassment.
Zee turned towards me sharply, making my head fall off the side of his knees and on to the grass.
“Ouch! What the hell Zee?” I pouted miffed.
He snapped coldly, unaffected by my outrage, “It will be a lot better if you forgot him once and for all.”
He then tried to appear calm, keeping his gaze fixed on the neighbourhood house, but his words felt biting all the same.
Thoroughly annoyed I tried to follow Umber who went inside the house, but Zee stopped me in a gentle tone interlinking our fingers, “What is it Sani?”
“The whispers have started Zee. I hate them.” I confided with a scared faraway look in my eyes.
Zee smiled grazing my hair with his fingers, messing them up, “About you being a, know-it-all in class? I thought we had agreed it’s just jealousy on your classmates’ part.”
“No, it’s not that...”
“So is it due to a guy? Your boyfriend?” Zee asked bitterly.
“Leave him alone.” I levelled him with a look.
And it came to me,
“Oh hey! Now that reminds me, his name is Sahil.”
Seeing a speculative, deep-in-thought kind of look on Zee's face, I added quickly, “And he is not my boyfriend.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.” Zee said warningly but his gaze softened and slightly tensed, as I sighed in resignation, “I'm not upset because of him anyway.”
Zee remained unnaturally quiet and when I glanced up, he had his gaze fixed on the neighbourhood house.
Realizing my eyes on him, he pulled me up with a grin, trailing me inside his house with useless chatter.
I understood he does not want to share what he was worried about. It did not bother me. I had enough complications in life any way. All in the burn of a grey eyed person who had me ignited with his every look.
13- A few things unveiled.
Aariz
I saw Sani with Zidaan's arm thrown around her as they walked inside the house. I kept watching and dying, every second until she disappeared from my sight. I took pain and pleasure in knowing that maybe on seeing this, my heart would finally stop chasing after her.
I had not lied to Zidaan about wishing to be friends with her, knowing her inside out and then hoping that one day...
But before any of that could happen, she captured me in her trance. My feelings and affection for her were too deep now and I believed she too felt something for me.
Now this sight made me think what I had doubted since that night of the party— Sani had feelings for Zidaan and I shuddered to believe he might be too.
It was fine. He was still my best friend. I could back out. Though somewhere inside me a voice kept saying, ‘this is not the case’. That my mind was jumping to wrong conclusions about Zidaan. Hence, I still held on to the hope, that he was not betraying me behind my back. After all, he was my best friend.
He wouldn’t do that to me, when he was the one who had given me hope and encouraged me towards her. Being the only person on this planet who knew where my heart lied for Sani. Being the only one to whom I had opened up about my deepest secret, who had seen me get over the most painful time of my life, craving for her warmth.
I still remembered that night from two years ago, clear as yesterday, when Zidaan had given me that heartbreaking news, and I had revealed to him everything inside me.
He had been the only link that had kept me in the loop about Sani's world for all these years.
I had called him late that evening—
He answered on the third ring saying,
‘I was about to call you.’
‘Why?’ I asked casually.
>
‘I can't call you?’
‘No, I thought you must be busy with the birthday preparations.’ I came to the point.
‘What birthday?’ Zidaan sounded confused.
It was my turn to be shocked and confused now, ‘Zidaan! In the morning our conversation remained incomplete because you told me you have to go, as Sani has come to your place to plan for her birthday.’
‘Ohh...I was trying to forget that.’ Zidaan groaned.
I chuckled,
‘Why? She wants you to arrange a party of her?’ I tried to sound indifferent though on the inside, I was starving for information.
‘No, worse. She is in full planning flow. Her enthusiasm about it is infectious. I had told you, every year she does this thing, were she actually wants everything but later pretends as if she is a new born model of innocence and...’ Zidaan said in a dramatically painful voice.
I stopped him midsentence,
‘I think you are over reacting.’ Thus, I instigated him to go on.
I smiled longingly, wishing I could witness all the madness myself.
Zidaan went on as if to prove his point,
‘You have no idea. See, her birthday is in a couple of days and like always, she is planning! And thus in a way hinting she would like to have and do so and so things on that day.’
‘But?’
‘But when the day arrives, she will go all coy and innocent as if she was never excited about it, never asked for anything to be done on that day. She’ll say, ‘Now you have brought it so, all right. Yeah, we will go to a movie if you insist. I wasn’t in the mood though.’
I laughed at Zidaan's imitation of Sani's voice, but it also made me a little sad, as I had no idea how she actually sounded.
Smirking mischievously I said,
‘Then try not giving it to her sometimes.’
Will be great to hear later on how she reacted to that, not knowing it was my suggestion.
‘Oh no no! If we don't pay heed, or God forbid we forget her birthday, she will be a nightmare! She won't yell or get mad or anything. She actually goes on this silent mode, which is irritating as hell. Not talking...Not smiling... As if, I'm invisible to her. She even brings out the tears and the cracked voice thing!’ Zidaan finished in a horrified tone.
‘She hasn’t grownup much, has she?’ I commented lazily, grinning to myself.
‘I don't think so.’
I went on,
‘But she is real mature now. Seems like it from what I have been hearing from you, since all these years about her.’
Zidaan became silent and I cursed myself for having shown too much interest. He would get suspicious now. Shit!
I had always made sure to keep it short. If I tried asking more, he would start doubting, if he hadn’t already. He had no idea about my heart’s desires and I wished to keep it that way for as long as I could. Although I knew, I could not let it go on forever. I will have to tell him soon...
Two nights later, with my heart in my throat, I dialled her number and waited in anticipation for her to pickup as it started ringing.
I waited and waited but she did not answer.
“This is strange! It is her birthday tomorrow. Certainly, she will not be asleep at midnight. She has to be receiving calls from friends and family.
Maybe she is out with her friends from college...With a guy? No, I am just assuming things. She might be out partying with Zidaan and others. She is close to them after all.” Reassuring myself, I called up Zidaan.
The moment he received, I started without letting him even say hello.
‘Zidaan, how are you?’
‘Sleeping.’
Thinking hard how to ask without letting him know, I blurted the first thing that came to my mind with a fake chuckle,
‘Oh, I thought you might be tearing your hair off.’
‘Why would I do that?’
‘You had told me Sani gets demanding with you on her birthday and it’s her birthday tomorrow. So...’
‘Ooh! You remember...’ commented Zidaan and I could feel him smirking.
Shit!
Still not giving myself away, I tried damage control,
‘Obviously, as mine falls just ten days later.’
‘Ahaan... Sure.’
He definitely was getting ideas now.
Before I could think of something appropriate for an excuse, he went on,
‘You wanna wish her.’
It was not a question. Therefore, I did not deny it,
‘I just remembered and thought I will.’
Acting hurt, I added defensively, ‘How can I not wish her? She was a...um...friend...an acquaintance at least. Don't you remember?’
‘Oh I do remember, with sparkling clarity. And I can deduce that you have called to ask for her number.’
I actually had, because I thought Ibbi gave me a wrong number.
Then instead of dishing out the number, he discouraged me, ‘There is no point calling her now. She must be asleep.’ Zidaan said with amusement apparent in his voice.
He had it all...Almost.
Sani my dear, you got me busted.
Without any excuses, I asked further,
‘Sleeping on her birthday night? Who does that?’
‘Apparently Sani does. Self- important you see. Maybe she thinks we are desperate to wish her. So she wants to tease us, by making us wait until morning arrives.’ Zidaan laughed.
‘What did you gift her?’ I sighed staring at the antique style bracelet watch I got for her.
Hoping, one day I’d tie it around her wrist.
‘Nothing, yet...I know she would love anything I give her, even if it is crap. Although, she would pretend not to. She is still like that, all bark and no bite. She cares about feelings and stuff, just does not show it.’
I felt jealous. He knew her, I didn't.
He went on,
‘Anyway, let the morning arrive. I was busy sleeping, until you decided to be Romeo.’ Zidaan said in a tired sleep-filled voice.
‘She is just an acquaintance.’ I did not like it, so corrected myself, ‘She is a friend.’ I stated firmly but it was no use as he snorted,
‘A friend who does not even remember you and whom you wish to turn into something more...Yeah right!’
He was right on mark. For the life of me, I could not deny the fact of wishing to turn it into much much more. I could not refuse the truth now when I had decided to bring it all into action.
Zidaan spoke in a serious tone,
‘Aariz, I know you have called me to ask Sani's number. Even if she is sleeping or not picking up her phone, I should be giving you the number at least. But the thing is, she was quite upset today. So I think we should leave her alone for a while.’
Chuckling slightly he added, ‘She does not remember you anyway. What would you guys talk about?’
‘Why was she upset?’
Zidaan answered dryly,
‘Furious would be a better word.’
Taking my silence as waiting, he sighed,
‘It was Humza's engagement bash today.’
I knew Humza was her eldest cousin.
‘And?’ I asked impatiently.
‘And a guy was hitting on Sani. In pretence of saving her, Haadi interfered and threw some cheesy lines her way in his so-called attempted flirting. Thus forcing me to distract him and save Sani from him.’ Zidaan laughed but humour was the last thing I felt at that moment.
‘Haadi is your cousin.’ I stated harshly.
I knew that guy...Had always hated him.
Zidaan did not understand my tone and went on lightly,
‘Yeah and he likes Sani. Only she is too blind to see it. We all know it.’
My vein throbbed, just hearing Haadi, Like, and Sani in the same sentence.
‘She doesn’t like him?’ I asked to satisfy the burn inside me, although I knew the answer already.
Zidaan had in all these years, told me quite a lot of such incidences
were Haadi had tried to take his namely friendship with Sani to another level. And from what I had heard, it always seemed clear Sani was too naive to understand the meaning behind his words and his actions. Always laughing them off.
I would have killed him a thousand times by now.
‘Of course she does not like him that way, who would?’ Zidaan scoffed then went on a little worried,
‘Sometimes I think it’s some other guy factor.’
His anger on behalf of his protective instincts was the least of my concerns.
With my heart thudding dangerously, I murmured,
‘What do you mean?’
‘That she is in love.’ Zidaan muttered casually.
‘She is...she...who is it?’ My breathing had gone abnormal and I could not form words.
‘Look, I have no idea if she is in a relationship with someone, or who the guy is. Relax!’
Then as if thinking better, Zidaan admitted in a reluctant voice, ‘But yes, it seems to me, that she might be.’ Pitying my silence he finally stated, ‘She is.’
I had heard enough, I hung-up the phone without replying to him. Taking my car keys, I left my office and drove off into the unknown. I just did not care anymore. My heart was on fire.
Everything was an illusion. Every hope I had kindled inside me was a lie, an illusion of my heartfelt thinking.
Sani you ruled my thoughts for years, but turns out you are not mine...You never were.
Enraged, with wild eyes I barged inside my apartment late at night. Zidaan called me a moment after I had crashed on the bed.
‘Aariz do you like her?’ was the first thing he asked.
Before I could reply he went on cursing himself,
‘Ohh no! I am sorry man. You never told me anything. I just said what I thought. Look, don't give up. If you want, I’ll ask her whether she is seeing someone, and even if she is, we'll get rid of that guy, right?'
‘No need. I don't like her that way.’ I said having calmed myself the hell down.
He refused to believe me. I appreciated his loyalty, but now he was being a pain in the ass.
I decided to set it straight with no holes for doubt,
‘It’s a fact. I never told you I like her, because I do not. Never have. Look, I have known her for like, five minutes. She is just a memory, which never turned into an adult relationship. I have never even actually seen her. How can I like a girl I barely know? Except for what I have been making you spill about her for years just to quench my thirst for her, to get my fill of her...All because, I had this madness going on inside of me...A stupid hope.’
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