by Lex Martin
“Jenna, you’re a terrible influence on this girl,” I say, shocked that Harper would mutter such a thing. “No, I’m not doing the dirty with Gavin. I mean, that was my intention, but we’re on a break.”
The confusion on Harper’s face is immediate. “A break from what?”
“Each other,” Jenna says, raising her eyebrows in judgment.
“Why? I thought you two were crazy about each other.”
I blow out a breath. “I’m going to work out. I can’t handle having this discussion again.” Motioning toward Harper, I tell her that Jenna can give her the gory details.
I grab my workout bag and head out. On my way to west campus, Jax calls, wanting to meet up. When I tell him I’m going climbing, he says he’ll join me in twenty minutes.
I’ve never gone climbing with Jax, and he’s rarely shown an interest in hanging out with me on my campus. He mumbles something about wanting to talk. Maybe this is about my run-in with Daren. Curiosity tugs at me like a loose thread hanging off a sweater, so I agree to let him join me.
Because my brother has been known to get sidetracked by a pretty face and a nice rack, I don’t bother waiting for him to start my workout. I get one of the staff members to spot me on my ascent. On my way down, I hear a familiar voice and look down to see that Jax has taken over my rope. As he lowers me, a ball of nerves develops in my stomach.
“Jackson, be careful. I don’t want to die today.” I glance toward the door and see Gavin, Angelique and Mark walk in. My heart beats erratically. God, I’ve missed him. Gavin looks relaxed as he talks to his friends. Shit, maybe I have been paranoid over nothing.
But then, Angry Red reaches over and grabs his arm and laughs, and I remember why I wanted to smash her nose.
Gavin glances up and sees me, a smile crossing his face before his expression abruptly falters. I’m trying to figure out why when I suddenly drop.
I scream before I land cradled in a pair of muscular arms.
“Emmie, you’re so light.” Daren Sloan is holding me, smiling like this is normal behavior. What the fuck? I gasp for a minute, realizing that I only fell a few feet, but it was a few feet too far.
“You two are assholes! Let me down.”
I kick my way out of his grasp while he and Jax crack up. As soon as I get my balance, I turn and push him as hard as I can, which doesn’t budge him at all. It only makes him laugh harder. Jesus, this is just like when we were kids. Those two would play pranks on me all day long.
A staff member carrying a clipboard walks over. Good, they’re going to get in trouble for endangering my life.
“Excuse me. I hate to bother you, but could I get your autograph?” the guy asks Daren, who grins broadly.
“Sure thing.”
Motherfucker. I unbuckle my harness and storm off to change.
* * *
After a long shower, I eventually emerge from the locker room, surprised to find Gavin waiting for me.
“Are you okay?” he asks, walking up and wrapping one hand gently around the back of my neck and one on my hip. He does it before I think he shouldn’t, that it isn’t smart to be close to him, but the minute he touches me, I know he gets it. As someone who climbs, he understands you never joke about dropping someone. It’s sacrilege, and this quiet moment says he’d never do that to me.
I nod, looking up at him. His lashes are so dark that his green eyes look almost kohl-rimmed. His touch makes my insides flip flop.
Seeing Jax and Daren walk over makes me start to pull away from Gavin, but he tightens his grip on my waist.
“You ready to go?” my brother asks. He sees Gavin and gives him the guy nod greeting. “Hey, man.”
Gavin says hi, but he looks pissed. He turns back to me. “Do you want me to take you home?”
“No, Jax wanted to talk about something. I’ll be okay.”
He pulls me into a tight hug, and right now I could close my eyes and let the world go by. Although I know people are watching us, I don’t want to let go. Remembering what Jenna said about this weekend and all the girls at the show, I realize I can’t totally cut him off while I wait this out or there might not be a road back to where we were. As much as I want to be angry about last week, when we’re together like this, all I can think is that he’s been telling me the truth.
He whispers, “I’ll call you later,” before he kisses me on the forehead, and I can’t help but smile.
On our way to Jax’s car, my brother nudges me. “So is that your boyfriend?”
“I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“Well, if you ask me—”
“I didn’t,” I say, cutting him off. “What did you want to talk about?”
Jax waits until we’re in the car to drop the bomb. “Dad’s back from Europe. I'm not sure for how long, but he wants you to come home for a visit.”
I sit silent, waiting for the punch-line. When it doesn’t come, I turn in my seat, my eyes shifting between my brother behind the wheel to Daren in the back seat. “Is that why you brought your buddy? For protection? Jax, I dare say you’ve grown a vagina.”
Daren starts howling and pounds his fist into Jax’s seat. “A vagina! Holy shit, Emmie, I’ve missed you.”
I rub my hand with my face, too tired to be dealing with these two jackasses. “I have homework I need to do, so if that’s all you want to talk about, you should take me home.”
“Clem, you should hear him out. Dad didn’t know Mom cut you off. He feels like shit.” Jax starts the ignition and shifts into first.
“Well, it’s only taken two years.” A well of emotion rises in me. No, I won’t get upset up over this. I’ve worked hard to not care that my parents could give a shit about me. One phone call from Daddy shouldn’t get me worked up.
“Think about it, okay? That’s all I’m asking.” Jax pulls up to my building, and if it weren’t for his expression, I would never agree, but my brother rarely asks me for anything.
“Fine, I’ll think about it.”
When I get out of the car, Daren follows. I think he’s going to jump up front, but instead he mumbles something to Jax and shuts the door. I’m more than surprised when my brother drives away, leaving Daren in front of my apartment.
I blink, making sure this isn’t a figment of my imagination.
“What are you doing?”
“We need to talk,” Daren says, taking my elbow.
What now? I shrug off his hold and put my hands on my hips. “Fine. Talk.”
A couple of girls walk by staring at him.
“Not here. Let’s go up to your place.”
I give him a raised eyebrow.
“I’m not going to try anything, Clementine. I have some things I need to clear up with you, and it’s overdue. I’d like to not have to grovel on the street, if you don’t mind.”
Then he makes that face, the one he used to do whenever he broke something of mine, which was often.
Damn it. He could always get his way.
“You and Jackson are exasperating me tonight. I’m going to let you come up, but I’m warning you now. I’m in no mood, so don’t piss me off.”
He grins, running his hands through his hair. “Yes, little princess.”
Nothing is worse than being patronized by Daren Sloan. I scowl, which makes him laugh. Trudging up the stairs, I let him follow me up. No one is home, which is good because I’m not prepared to explain why I have the star BC quarterback tailing me.
I turn on a few lights and motion for him to sit while I take a seat opposite him, as far away as possible on the other end of the couch.
“You miss me that much, huh?” he asks.
“I’m not trying to make any kind of commentary here, Daren. You wanted to talk, so talk.” I grab a pillow and tuck it into my lap in case I need to scream into something or want to punch the football player next to me.
His confident demeanor slips a little, and he takes a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize to you for what happened seni
or year, for being such a dick to you. Your brother told me what happened with your mom, and that’s all kinds of fucked up. I’m sorry. I know you had a lot riding on your state meet, and then we imploded. I didn’t know you lost your track scholarship.”
I shake my head quickly. “I lost it at the end of my freshman year. Too much shit happened, and I couldn’t clear my head. It wasn’t you. Not really.” Daren was just the beginning of that runaway train.
I’m busy staring at the pillow. It’s forest green, which is so much better than kelly green or lime green. I hate lime green. I actually prefer viridian, though, which is green with the slightest tint of blue.
“Emmie?”
Glancing up, I realize he expects me to say more.
I shrug. “Thank you.” I say it like a question. “I appreciate it.” I realize I’m gripping the pillow so tightly that my knuckles are turning white, so I force myself to relax my hands. “Is that it?”
I’m caught off guard by the hurt expression that spreads on his face.
He opens his mouth but closes it again, an awkward silence enveloping the room. He laughs weakly. “I’m trying to say I’m sorry. You have no idea how many times I’ve wished I had done things differently.”
My chest constricts, and I squirm uncomfortably in my seat.
He exhales loudly. “I liked you so much, Clementine. My God, I thought I loved you.”
Nausea ripples through me. Laughing without conviction, I try not to be overwhelmed. “What do you mean you thought you loved me?” I can’t hide the bitterness in my voice.
“We grew up together. You were my best friend. I worshiped the ground you walked on, but you’d barely even let me hold your hand or kiss you in public. I thought I was the only one in the relationship half the time.”
“You can’t be serious.” After everything he put me through, after all the heartache and humiliation, he has the nerve to say this to me?
“Emmie, you held me at arm’s length. And I don’t mean physically. Once we started dating, you changed. It was like you were afraid to let me get close to you. I would have waited as long as you wanted to sleep together. Fuck, I thought I’d marry you some day, so it wasn’t about the sex. You just kept slipping farther and farther from me, and I know I should have confronted you or maybe broken up with you, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. The thing is, I wanted to be with you, but you were somewhere else. This might be the biggest dick thing to say, but it’s the truth—I think I started hooking up with Veronica so I could get over you before you crushed me.”
He thought he loved me? A few years ago, hearing Daren say that would have been blissful. But now, after all this time, it leaves me hollow. The universe is mocking me with a big serving of irony.
I sniffle, only to realize that I’m crying. God damn it.
“Honey, I’m so sorry,” he says, scooting over and wrapping his arms around me, and I can’t help it—I start sobbing. The dam of tears I’d been holding for him comes pouring out, and Daren lets me cry as he strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head.
“Why are you telling me this?” I hiccup into his shoulder, still not able to bring myself to look at him.
“Because you’ll always be special to me. Because I should have apologized years ago. Because I want you to be happy.”
Of course, that makes me cry harder. In my mind, I’d built him into this horrible prick. This hurts so much because I know he’s right. I’ve never been good when it comes to admitting my emotions, but I didn’t realize that I’d shut him out. My whole life I’ve been terrified of turning into my mother, who thinks that showing emotion is a display of weakness. So what did I do? I bottled myself up in every possible way. And I haven’t gotten any better in college, especially when I was on my meds.
“I’m sorry, Daren.” I pull myself away from him and wipe my face with the sleeve of my shirt. “I guess you had no way of knowing that I was in love with you, and apparently I didn’t know how to deal with it.”
I swallow and manage to finally look up at him. He’s pale. “You… you loved me?” he asks, echoing my thoughts a minute ago.
Nodding, I offer a grim smile. “Yeah. Should I not have told you?”
“Really?” His jaw tightens, and his hand curls into fist. “Fuck.”
This is a mistake. I should have kept my mouth shut. “It was a long time ago, Daren. I’m over it now. I’m… I’m okay.”
“Shit, Clementine.” He lets out a long, pained sigh. “You might be okay, but I’m not.” What does that mean? He pulls away from me, propping his elbows on his knees and staring down at the ground. “I’ve spent a long time trying to rationalize what I did with Veronica, why I’ve stayed with her. We’ve broken up a few times and dated other people for a while, but we end up back together. But the really fucked-up part is that I always come to the same conclusion that she’s not right, that… that she’s not you.”
I reach out and touch his shoulder. “You just feel guilty about what happened between us. You need closure. We both do. We were so young, and neither one of us dealt with this well. Daren, this isn’t totally your fault. I played a part too.”
He looks up, a flicker of hope in those large hazel eyes. “Do you think you could forgive me?”
“Yes.” Of course I forgive him. “Can you forgive me? For being an ice princess?” He laughs and puts his arms around my waist, crushing me against his chest and making me laugh. “If it makes you feel any better, I almost slept with you a dozen times.”
He groans and pushes me away, making me laugh more. Eventually, a smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “You want to torture me, don’t you?”
I snicker. “Maybe a little.”
“It’s okay. I guess I deserve it.”
-
23 -
I wake up for class on Tuesday refreshed. Lighter. Hopeful. While I told Daren I thought he needed closure, I didn’t realize I did too.
I consider the possibilities. Maybe I can work through my boatload of baggage and come out the other side. Despite the weird weekend I had, I only popped that one pill and managed not to fall apart.
Gavin was too sweet after my brother and Daren had been such douchebags at the gym. When they’re together, they revert to being twelve. I’m rolling my eyes thinking about it when my phone rings. Although I need to get to class, my heart races when I see Gavin’s name on the screen.
“Hey,” I say sweetly, embarrassed that I threw down that ultimatum this weekend. I need to smooth this over. I can’t believe I’ve been so jealous of Angry Red. If Gavin says he’s going to explain what happened, I’m sure he will.
“I need to ask you something.” The cold tone of his voice is unexpected. When I saw him at the gym last night, there was a tenderness to him that melted me inside and out.
“Okay,” I say, trying not to be paranoid.
“Why was Daren Sloan leaving your place after midnight?”
My breath shallows from the accusation in his voice. I don’t know why I’m worried. It’s easy to explain. Daren and I talked until Harper came home, and the three of us ordered pizza and watched reruns of The X-Files.
I’m about to say this, to tell him what happened, but I get a moment of pause as I open my mouth. Apparently, it’s okay for him to ask me what I’m up to, who I see, where I go, but I can’t ask him any questions. What a hypocrite! A chill creeps through me.
“Well, I’d tell you, Gavin, but I’m going to need some time. I’m sure you won’t mind waiting.”
A half laugh escapes him, but I know he doesn’t find this funny. Neither do I. “Just tell me. Is there something going on between the two of you?”
Anger coils in my stomach. “If you tell me why you went to another state with Angelique, a girl who clearly still wants to fuck you, I will gladly tell you why Daren Sloan was with me in my apartment until midnight.” I can’t help it. The evil bitch side of me is pissed. All I hear is silence. “No? I didn’t think so.”
And I hang up.
Staring at my phone, I don’t know what just happened. My hands are shaking, and I’m starting to sweat. Shit. Shit! I didn’t mean to come off like I had something to hide, but I can’t believe he had the nerve to suggest that I’m running around with Daren after I’ve been so open with him.
Should I call him back?
No, no way. Even though I want us to go back to the way we were, I’m setting a precedent. If I cave now, I’m telling him it’s okay for him to do things I can’t. That’s not the kind of relationship I want. But damn it, Gavin, how can I want you so badly and be this furious at the same time?
Glancing at the clock, I realize I have twenty minutes to get to class. I don’t have time to lose it now, so I grab my jacket and bag and race out the door. A cold blast of air hits me in the face.
Why do I have to be so stubborn? Why couldn’t I simply answer his question? Part of me is practically apoplectic at his double standard and the other half wants to track him down and apologize. The tension is becoming unbearable. Why can’t he tell me what’s going on so we can stop playing this stupid game?
I duck into the convenience store to grab a cup of coffee. I see Brigit’s black bob, and when she glances my way, I wave. She grabs her bagel and walks over. We chat for a minute, and seeing her helps me get my head out of my backside for a few minutes. I still need to have a serious conversation with her about Wheeler, but I’m not sure what approach I should take. If I lay it out on the table the way I want to, I might lose the little bit of trust I’ve built.
“Clem? Can I ask a favor?” she asks, her bubbly demeanor unusually somber.
Nodding, I try to ignore the fact that this conversation might make me late to class.
Her hands fidget, drawing my attention. Her nails are now a bright blue with little white swirls painted on the ends. “Would you mind taking a look at the first draft of my novel? Jason has been editing it, but…” Emotion clouds her eyes, but she quickly shakes her head. “He’s so busy these days, and he’s been kind of moody lately, and I thought maybe you could help me with some dialogue.”
