Clearly unaware of my inner turmoil she exhaled noisily. “Good because we don’t need to take any risks.”
I wasn’t sure if she meant pregnancy risks or health risks but then I could hardly be offended. I fucked a lot of women and although I always wore a condom, she didn’t know that.
“I’m sure it’s fine.” I tried to reassure her but also needing to reassure myself. That condom had felt so wet and I wasn’t sure if it was from me, her or both of us. “Are you on birth control?”
She winced. “I was but after Jeff and I split, I thought to hell with it. I wasn’t in a hurry to sleep with someone again and taking the pill when I’m not having sex just seemed like a taunting reminder of what I wasn’t getting. It’s like here I am to stop a baby and yet oh, that’s right, you’re not getting any anyway.” Colour bloomed in her cheeks. “Ok, so I’ve slept with you, but it wasn’t planned. I never saw it coming.” She gave a short burst of laughter as if surprised by her words.
I chuckled quietly in response and we fell silent for a while, both lost in our thoughts. I stared up at Lyla’s ceiling feeling sudden fatigue wash over me. I’d had a crappy night’s sleep and it hadn’t been long enough before I’d woken to find it all going to shit. I yawned noisily which caused the woman beside me to do the same.
I looked over at her but she’d closed her eyes. Fuck I was tired but I couldn’t risk falling asleep. It was too dangerous to sleep with her. Her face and neck were proof of that. I yawned again feeling my exhaustion pulling me down. Ok, so maybe I could just close my eyes for five minutes. Just five minutes then I’d get up and get dressed, and leave. Five minutes, that’s all.
Lyla
The sound of a human male in the grip of horrific pain snapped me awake and my first thought was: not again.
I went to move and discovered that we’d both rolled onto our sides and I lay behind Shay, my body close to his and one hand awkwardly placed between his buttocks. It really was awkward and it would be more so if he woke and caught me with my hand there.
“No…don’t touch me you bastard.” He let out that same hideous cry and suddenly all six foot three inches of naked sexy Shay was standing by my bed, his eyes wide open and filled with what looked like terror. “Shit…shit…shit.” He muttered. “I fucking did it again.” Wild eyes met mine. “I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. I’m sorry, I have to go. I’m sorry…sorry…so fucking sorry.” He kept the mantra of apologies going as he pulled on his clothes and although I desperately wanted to get up and try to offer him some sort of comfort, instinctively I knew that would be a bad idea.
Whatever demons plagued Shay, me pushing him for answers or to reveal what was wrong would only make him lash out. It would be like cornering a wild animal. Not a good idea at all when he was in such a fragile state right now.
Once he was dressed, he turned to me one last time. “I’m sorry Lyla. I have to go. I…I-“ His mouth opened and I thought he was going to say more. Instead he dug in his pocket and pulled out a couple of fifty dollar notes which he tossed on the bed. “For the cab home. I’m sorry. I kicked you out with no way to get home. Lyla I-“ Again he abruptly stopped, his eyes raking over me one more time before but he yanked open my bedroom door and rushed out. A minute or so later I heard the front door open and then close, and he was gone.
I flopped back down on the bed and propped my hands under my head. Shay had flipped out again. I’d witnessed him in the grip of memories that clearly plagued him in his sleep: again. It was distressing to see him like that but although I had an idea of what had happened to him, chances were, he’d never open up and perhaps confirm my suspicions.
I should be upset that he’d taken off like his ass was on fire. I should be saddened with the knowledge that I may never see him again. I wasn’t upset this time by his behaviour. Shay had run because in his mind, running was his way of trying to escape his demons. It was never going to work. Like it or not, he was going to have to face them one day.
My guess was he would want to avoid me as much as possible now since twice I’d witnessed his distress. I didn’t know if he would come to me again. I didn’t know if I would ever learn what horrors he relived in his dreams. I didn’t know anything for sure. The only thing I did know for sure was, he’d taken just a little piece of my heart with him, when he’d rushed out my door.
One week post Shay’s visit to my apartment and I heard nothing from him; not that I really expected to. I focused on keeping myself busy. Anything that would distract me and stop me thinking about him and wondering how he was. I went to work each day. I came home from work each day.
Leo had settled for not bringing up what had happened with Shay again fortunately but with no mention of him - at all - I had no idea if their friendship was still ok or not. Surprisingly I didn’t want their friendship to suffer. I’d settle for a lifetime of never seeing him again as long as they stayed friends. Something told me Shay needed a friend. I didn’t know what had happened to him but I had a pretty good idea. Just thinking about anyone hurting that beautiful, sexy man made my heart hurt. From the few words he’d shouted in his sleep and his broken cries, it was pretty obvious it had happened to him as a child and that just made it all the more heartbreaking.
It wasn’t just what he’d called out and how he’d reacted when I touched him, but how he’d responded in my bedroom a week ago. My hand had ended up on his ass and given how alarmingly he’d acted, my guess was he’d been raped at some stage, or damn near close to it.
Week two passed and still no Shay. Again, I didn’t really expect to. Apart from him making it clear he didn’t date anyone, I would be the last person he’d want to see because I’d seen how his nightmares affected him. I’d seen him vulnerable and exposed and I knew instinctively that he would hate that.
I might not have seen him in person at all but I saw him every damn night in my dreams. I’d wake covered in sweat, my heart beating rapidly and an unrelenting ache between my legs. The very thing I’d been so worried about had happened. I hadn’t wanted to get involved with him because I knew if he was as good as his reputation said he was, I’d be ruined for life – ruined for all other men. I’d been right to think like that. I couldn’t even imagine sleeping with another man after having Shay.
I didn’t want to think about how many women he’d had since me. Probably one a night at least. I got lucky I guess that he gave me an encore performance but I wasn’t naïve enough to think there would be more. Or that it meant anything. Of course it meant nothing to him. He’d demonstrated that by staying away from me. He hadn’t even come to the apartment to see Leo.
While I spent my days thinking of him and my nights dreaming of him, I’m sure he spent his nights, maybe days too, working his way through as many women as he could. Now that hurt. Thinking of him in the arms of other women really hurt. It shouldn’t though. We still barely knew each other despite having had sex. I had no claim on him. He wasn’t obligated to me. I couldn’t expect that he would show me any kind of faithfulness. I really needed to stop thinking about him. It was over. I’d had my time with him. It was stupid to waste any more time daydreaming about him.
Week three post Shay rolled around and the man who spiked my drink and tried to rape me was convicted and sentenced to four years in prison. Four years for attempted rape. Four years I know he wouldn’t have gotten had it not come to light about the other women who hadn’t been as lucky as I was. If being drugged and almost raped could be considered lucky. It was good that he was going to pay since so many rapists walked free.
There hadn’t even been a court case. A plea of guilty made it a pretty straightforward case. It seemed the man who’d drugged me and his lawyer decided it wasn’t worth fighting the charges. Those other women kind of made it hard for them to argue that he was an innocent man.
I was just glad it was over. I was just glad he was going to pay and I just wanted to get home, away from him and away from Shay. He’d turned up at the courthouse and sat th
rough the hearing. I was surprised to see him but then I guess had it not been for him, I would have been raped.
He didn’t hang around to catch up. His only conversation was to voice his approval over the verdict. Having not seen him in a month I was reminded of just how good he looked. Damn good. Dressed in perfectly pressed charcoal grey slacks and a black long sleeved shirt. It had been both heaven and hell to see him. It had also been abundantly clear to me that he was done. I might have broken his usual run by getting a second time with him but it was over now.
Sure he’d been polite and friendly but I’d seen no light in his eyes, nothing to indicate he was happy to see me. No, it was time to face that it was over. I couldn’t complain or cry about it. Shay had never let me believe we were going to be anything more than we’d been: a one-time deal. The only reason we’d had two was because he’d come to apologise and I’d pressured him. Ok, he’d allowed himself to be pressured, but he was a man and when confronted by a woman asking for sex, he wasn’t stupid enough to turn it down.
Seeing him and his polite indifference had been hard. Outwardly I’d portrayed the image of a woman who didn’t care but inside I’d struggled not to let him see how hopelessly attracted to him I was. Even after the court case when life returned to normal or as normal as it could be, I still thought about him.
Life continued on as it does. I worked, I saw my friends and I joked and argued with Leo, but inside I was sad and pining for something that could never be. I’d been the classic fool. Wanting the man whore, the sex god, the man who had warned me he didn’t commit, he didn’t do relationships.
Week five, post Shay coming to my bedroom brought the terrifying realisation that I was late. My period was a no show. Nada, not happening. No flow, no curse, nothing. I should have noticed. I should have known. How could I not have noticed I hadn’t bled?
It must have been the whole court thing and my misery over Shay clearly demonstrating he’d moved on. It must have been enough of a distraction that I’d missed something as important as that time of the month. This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t be pregnant. I needed to do a pregnancy test.
Of course in my completely freaked out state instead of rushing to do the test so I could either breathe a sigh of relief or go into a state of complete panic, I did nothing. I didn’t hightail it to the nearest Pharmacy. No – instead I spent another week trying to convince myself that I’d miscalculated, that stress and a hundred other factors were causing it to be delayed and that if I waited long enough, it would come. I laughed, I cried and I prayed for a miracle which was a miracle in itself given I wasn’t religious. I needed a miracle or more importantly a pregnancy test kit before I drove myself to the point where the only thing I would need was a strait-jacket.
Week seven post Shay and I finally pulled my head out of my ass and bought the pregnancy test kit. I read the instructions. I studied the kit. I worked out when I would do the test, and all the time I never let on to Leo what was going on. I didn’t tell any of my friends for that matter. I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to see the pity in their eyes when they learnt I might be pregnant. Especially to a man who was never meant to be more than a fleeting encounter. I didn’t want to think about how he would react if I was pregnant. More than likely he’d run for the hills and not stop until he had half a world between us.
Week eight, post Shay and I finally worked up the courage to get the test kit out of the box. I stared at it. I admired the packaging. I reread the instructions and I considered what I would do if the test was positive. I snorted. I already knew, down deep inside what the test would tell me. I wasn’t normally late and close on a month or so late was getting to the point where I couldn’t really try and fool myself that my cycle was a bit out. Well technically it would be out. Out for several months if I went ahead and had the baby.
Week nine post Shay and I finally did it. No more procrastinating, no more delaying the inevitable. It was time to pull up my big girl panties. It was time to pee on the test strip and wait for it to tell me the obvious. My body was already giving me the answer. Breasts that were so tender at times I could barely handle the touch of my bra against them. Emotions all over the place. That swung wildly from one mood to the next. I was trigger happy with the tears and had to fight so damn hard all the time to not let Leo or my friends see anything was wrong.
So finally nine weeks, nine long weeks after that day Shay and I had sex in my bed, I peed on the pregnancy test strip and I waited. I watched it, heart pounding, hands shaking. I watched a line appear and grabbed the box, confirming that one line meant no and two meant yes. I continued to watch wondering if I had by some miracle managed to dodge a bullet. When the second line appeared on the test strip I stared at it, at the pair of them mocking me and I did the only thing I could do under the circumstances, I dropped my head into my hands and I wept.
Chapter Seventeen
Shay
My life was fucked, everything was fucked. I was so fucked. There was no other way to describe it. Lyla had ruined me. She’d destroyed me. She’d made it impossible for me to have sex with any other woman. I’d never gone without this long. Nine weeks. Nine agonising weeks since I’d fucked anyone and the woman I’d fucked last had been her. My reputation as a sex god was gone. No woman wanted a man who couldn’t get it up and I hadn’t been able to get even semi hard around a woman in weeks. Yet just one thought, one image of her in my head and I was harder than a steel bar.
I hadn’t been able to lose myself in a warm and welcoming pussy after the torturous visits to my father. I hated having to see him and the only way I could clear my head of the memories that tormented me every time I went there, was to have sex. Lots and lots of cleansing sex. Sex that helped me forget.
It was the memories I couldn’t escape now. Memories that overshadowed any good ones I had of my mother. I hated the memories and what that house represented to me. They hung around like flies on shit, driving me crazy. Made worse by the fact my coping mechanism was gone.
Seeing Lyla at the courthouse had been hard. I couldn’t look at her without remembering what it was like to be inside her. She was so beautiful and I wanted her. Fuck I wanted her. I had no right to want her though. I couldn’t be the man she needed. The man she deserved. I would never be any good in a long term relationship. I’d only end up hurting her. Hurting her mentally and certainly physically. I’d already proven that. I couldn’t sleep in the same bed as her. The two times I’d fallen asleep next to her so far had been disasters. I’d tried to kill her the first time and gone completely crazy at her the second time.
The only way I had been able to keep myself distanced from her was to get the hell away from her as soon as I could that day, and to stay away ever since. It didn’t stop me wondering how she was though. It didn’t stop me missing her in my own way. My head would fill with the sound of her laugh, her voice and those sounds she made before she came. I wanted to hear them again, to see her again, but I couldn’t. For her sake and mine, I had to stay away.
I didn’t even see Leo that much other than at the gym. I couldn’t go out with him trolling for women because I couldn’t damn well fuck them. Every single one I looked at was no match for Lyla. I was screwed for sure. Right – royally - fucked. Sucked in by a woman I barely knew. Wanting a woman I couldn’t have.
So in an attempt to forget she even existed: I worked. I worked out like a mother fucker. I drank and I slept. Anything it took to forget her or at least keep her out of my thoughts.
In some ways it worked, sort of. I was too exhausted by late evening and fell into bed, sometimes managing to sleep through the night without the nightmares tormenting me. It worked until I started to get sick and yet I pushed myself even harder, figuring I’d drive the illness from me with more time at the gym.
It worked until my body finally failed me. Fatigue and nausea causing everything to spin. Fighting the dizziness I walked into the kitchen, using the walls and benches to help support me. I figure
d if I made myself a protein shake I’d feel better. I managed to hold it together while I made the shake. I tried to drink it but I felt like hell. My head throbbed painfully with every beat of my heart and the nausea caused my stomach to roll ominously. I didn’t need this. On top of the mess my head was in, I didn’t need getting sick added to my problems. Cleaning up the kitchen and loading the few dishes into the dishwasher I fought the dizziness that seemed unrelenting to me now.
It was only when the room began to spin and everything dimmed. When the buzzing in my ears started up like a bunch of angry wasps that I realised this virus was bigger than I was. Turning, I made a feeble attempt to get back to the living room. To get to the lounge but I didn’t have time. The blackness hit and everything went quiet, moments before it pulled me down. As I fell, I vaguely felt pain explode in my head as I struck the kitchen counter, but then mercifully the pain was gone, everything was gone as I got sucked down into blissful unconsciousness.
Lyla
“You can do this.” I reassured my image in the bathroom mirror, although I wasn’t exactly my own best cheer squad given how pale and stressed I looked. Who was I kidding? I was terrified about doing this. He was going to go completely bat shit crazy.
“Oh god, I can’t do it.” I whispered although I knew I would. It wasn’t just me anymore. I could have gone and had an abortion and no one would ever know. It would be my secret to my grave but I couldn’t. I couldn’t abort because although a child was not factored into my life plans any time soon, I wanted this baby. I wanted this child because despite us only being together twice and despite the use of condoms, one very determined little sperm had made its way past that latex and swum the almighty swim of its life to meet my egg. I couldn’t discard our little warrior who had defied the odds. I also for selfish reasons didn’t want to turn my back on this unexpected little piece of Shay I now carried.
Sex God Page 19
