“When do you finish work?” He asked, distracting me from my thoughts once we were back out in the shop. “Clearly I can’t just walk away from you. I don’t just mean because you are pregnant. I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s a shock, I can’t pretend any differently. I’m 24 years old. Becoming a father was never on my radar. We need to talk and work out where we go from here.”
I sighed, trying to ignore the pain his words made me feel. “I told you Shay I will raise this child alone. I don’t expect anything from you. I’m older than you. Three years isn’t a huge age gap but I guess it’s enough for us to differ on our feelings about children. I wasn’t looking for a baby. I really wasn’t. But I never contemplated abortion. I want this piece of you but I don’t expect you to feel the same way. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself and a baby.”
“Dammit Lyla. This is not as simple as whether to keep the baby or not. This is about how you feel about me and I feel about you. I want you. I’ve tried not to, but I can’t stop. I feel like I’m going to go up in flames any time I’m around you.”
I smiled but inside I felt a great sadness. “That’s just sex Shay and if that’s all you want from me, no matter how great it is, then walk out that door now and don’t bother coming back.”
He didn’t answer me but I saw a flash of what looked like defiance in his eyes. “When do you finish work?” He repeated.
I turned to look at the clock mounted on the wall behind us. “In an hour.”
“You can always go now. I’ll lock up.” Sharon’s voice behind us made us both jump.
I turned to my assistant and she took me by surprise when she winked at me. “I can’t just-“ I started to say but she began waving her hands at me as if shooing me away.
“It’s been a slow day. Of course you can. You’re the boss. I’ve locked up before. It’s hardly rocket science after all. Now go.” She shooed me again and I threw my hands up in defeat.
“Fine. Thank you.” I told her before turning to Shay. “Looks like I can leave now.”
His silvery blue eyes moved from me to Sharon. “Thank you.” He nodded to her and she grinned.
“Any time. Maybe this time you can take her somewhere more romantic than the store’s toilet?” She winked at him and I almost laughed when I saw Shay’s cheeks redden. That was a first. A blushing Shay.
“Come on.” He took my hand and I just had time to snatch up my bag before he dragged me from the shop. Once we got outside I nearly had to run to keep up with him as his long strides took us down the road to where his Porsche was parked.
After he’d unlocked it and helped me into the passenger seat, I watched him walk around the car and climb in behind the wheel. It was then that it dawned on me that he was fairly dressed up for the time of the day.
“You’re kind of dressed up more than I’m used to seeing you.” I began casually, trying not to look like I was fishing for information.
He turned to me as he started the Porsche. “I had a modelling job to do today. I walked out partway through it.” His eyes lowered to his clothes, his palms smoothing over his strong thighs. “This was what I was wearing. It was for a men’s clothing store.”
“You walked out?” My tone was incredulous. “How can you just walk out? Will you get in trouble for taking their clothing?” I fired off the questions at him before my eyes narrowed. “Hang on. How could you do any modelling with your face all bruised from my brother’s fists?”
A fleeting smile crossed his lips and was gone again. “I don’t do facial shots remember? I told you that when you made me coffee in your shop that time. Most of my modelling work is torso, pants, or neck down. No face shots. Today’s shoot was all about the pants. So, waist down only. As for the clothes, I get given them all the damn time from jobs. I told them to bill me if necessary. I had to get out of there.”
“Why?” I asked, curious as to what had been so urgent.
He turned, the full force of his stunning eyes hitting me. “I had to see you. Leo attacking me and his rage…” He fell silent for a moment. “He was so fucking angry with me because he thought I’d abandoned you. I didn’t fucking know. You never told me. I know I’m an asshole but I’m not that big an asshole. If I’d known…” He trailed off and I watched a myriad of emotions cross his face.
“I tried - at your house - I tried.” I turned from him to stare sightlessly out of the window. “Then I found you on the floor and you were sick. It was just never the right time and I was going to tell you on that last day but…but you threw me out and I thought…I thought…to hell with it. If you were that much of an asshole and quite clearly so fucked up and unwilling to share anything with me, then I didn’t need someone like you in mine or our baby’s life.”
Shay sighed. “I’m sorry. I hate that I hurt you the way I did. I’m no good. I told you that.” He pulled out into the traffic and began to drive. “We need to talk. Will you come to my home or would you prefer my city apartment?”
“You mean your fuck pad?” I asked him and he shot me a look of surprise. “Leo told me.” I said as an explanation. “Plus I’m not a fool Shay. It doesn’t take a genius to realise a man who earns the title of Sex God doesn’t take that many women to his private home. So how many were lucky enough to spend time with you at your Primrose Sands home? Were there any?”
Again, his eyes met mine for a brief glimpse before his focus returned to the road. “Just one: you.”
My heart leapt at his words. So no other woman had been in his home. Which meant that I’d been the only woman in his bed. Did that mean something? Did he care far more than he wanted to admit? I shook my head. I couldn’t let myself hope that he really wanted more. Sure, he’d admitted he cared, and it had to mean something that he hadn’t been having sex with other women, but I’d never seen a man so determined to avoid commitment and there was still the million and one issues he had, but refused to discuss with me.
“If I say the fuck pad, won’t I just be another notch on your bedpost there?”
He frowned, his fingers tightening around the steering wheel. “I didn’t say I wanted to fuck you. I said I needed to talk to you.” He shot me a brief look. “Besides I’ve had the apartment redone. It’s just an apartment now. A place I stay in if I have a job that runs late. It saves me the hour drive home.”
I gaped at his words. “The fuck pad has been demoted to just a regular old apartment?”
Again those silvery eyes flashed to mine. “I told you I can’t fuck other women any more. I tried. In those first days after…” He trailed off for a moment before continuing. “For a week or so after I…I sent you home.” He paused when I snorted at the way he downplayed how cruelly he’d tossed me from his home. The look he sent me was stormy this time. “I went out and yeah, I picked up women.” I watched his hands tighten on the steering wheel until his knuckles were white. “Four…fucking…times I put myself through the crushing humiliation of it. Four different women and all the same reaction. I couldn’t get it up.” The words were flung at me, the pain and embarrassment he would have felt evident in his voice. He briefly waved a hand at his groin. “Do you have any idea how soul crushing that is? To have a woman laugh because the ‘Sex God’,“ he lifted his hands off the wheel long enough to air quote the words, “can’t fucking get a hard on? It was my fucking identity, my manhood and I was a fucking limp dick.”
“You seemed pretty hard when you were fucking me.” I pointed out. “There was nothing wrong with your performance at all. Maybe-,“ I snapped my mouth shut. What was I doing? I was trying to find explanations for why he’d had problems performing. I should be thrilled he hadn’t been having sex, not trying to soothe his dented male ego.
His eyes met mine again. “Don’t you get it?” He cried. “I haven’t fucked anyone since you were in my home. I told you Lyla, I only want you.”
I gasped at the depth of emotion I heard in his voice but before he could say anything more or I could find a suitable r
esponse to his words, he turned into a driveway, pulling up at an undercover garage. Hitting a remote control attached to his car’s keyring, I watched the wide roller door glide up and he drove inside, pulling a cord which lowered the door again. After driving about halfway down the large parking area, he pulled into a space and switched off the engine.
“Come on, we’re here.” He climbed from the car, waiting as I got out too. His hand came out, reaching for mine and I gave it to him, feeling the warmth of his touch before he turned and led me towards a bank of elevators.
When he pushed the button the doors opened immediately and once we were inside, he punched the button for the top floor. I watched the doors glide shut silently and as we began to rise, I felt my heart rate increase with every passing moment.
Trying not to be obvious about it, I looked at Shay, seeing the tension around his eyes. I knew he was scared. He was frustrated and confused. I knew him well enough to know that he was unravelling piece by piece and that would make him feel very insecure. Without his Sex God image to hide behind anymore, I’m sure he was absolutely terrified.
I was sure though, if he would just open up to me, that he would realise he wasn’t the terrible person he believed himself to be.
Shay
When I unlocked the door to my apartment and led Lyla inside I thought my heart might break free from my chest it was beating that fast.
I wasn’t used to being out of control. I wasn’t used to not having some sort of plan and I sure as fuck had no idea what I was doing now. She was pregnant and I still couldn’t decide how I felt about that. I didn’t hate kids. I just had no experience with them and given what an asshole my father was I couldn’t help but worry that I’d be an asshole father too.
Lyla brushed past me and made her way across the spacious living room to the floor to ceiling windows that provided open views across the city, to Hobart’s picturesque harbour.
I followed more slowly my eyes moving over her, taking in every inch of her beauty. “Can I get you a drink?” I asked her.
Turning, smiling, she asked for a glass of water and I welcomed the chance to try and compose myself while I went and got it for her.
When I handed it to her, I watched her take a sip before her attention returned to the windows and the city that sprawled out before us.
“Great place you have here.” She said. “Modelling must be very profitable.”
I moved up behind her. Helplessly drawn to her as if we were attached by some invisible line and she was reeling me in. Lowering my head a little, I breathed in her scent. Recounting all the times that intoxicating scent had woken me at night, making me desperately sniff the air, searching for a trace of it until awareness would set in and I’d remember she wasn’t there.
Dropping my head lower until my nose was almost buried in her neck, I took another deep breath, smelling her perfume, her shampoo and sex. Lyla smelt of sex. She smelt of me and instantly I was hard again for her.
“You smell so good.” I told her, running my nose up her neck feeling her shiver against me. I wanted so badly to lick her sensitive skin, to taste her, but the confidence I’d felt during the time I’d been inside her in the bathroom of her shop, appeared to have deserted me now. “It wasn’t the modelling that paid for this place.” I told her quietly.
She turned her head towards me, but not enough for our eyes to meet. “I smell like you.” She whispered, her hand coming up to slide through my hair that still hung loosely around my shoulders. “I smell of sex. I should probably shower.”
“No.” My fingers settled on her shoulders, digging into her. “I want you smelling like me.” I gave into the temptation and licked a path up her neck, nipping lightly where the bruise I’d put on her was darkening nicely on her skin. “I want you marked by me. You’re mine.” I was surprised how easily it flowed from my lips. My need to possess her, to claim her as mine.
Lyla turned in my arms, frowning at me. “Mark me?” She repeated before groaning loudly. “You did it didn’t you? You gave me a hickey.” Her fingers clamped her neck where I’d just nipped her. “Bloody hell Shay. No one gives hickeys anymore.” Her eyes narrowed. “Oh and what do you mean I’m yours? You threw me out of your home and wanted nothing to do with me. Leo telling you I was pregnant is the only reason you’re here now. That does not make me yours.”
“I don’t care whether it’s deemed fashionable or not to give hickeys. I will mark you if I want to.” I winced when she shot me a definite look of displeasure. “You’re wrong too. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to see you, to come to you. It’s not because I couldn’t get a rise out of this thing either.” I pinched my dick through my pants. “I just…I just-“ I stopped, searching for the right words. “You deserve better than me. You told me I was an asshole. Your brother agrees with that sentiment. I’m not worthy. God knows I get reminded of that fact often enough…” I trailed off when I heard Lyla gasp. Shit, I’d revealed too much. Something about being around this woman lowered my defences. She brought the walls down and I was in danger of letting her see what I kept hidden inside.
Her hands came up cupping my cheeks, her eyes searching mine. “Who reminds you Shay? Who or what made you the way you are? Why do you think you’re unworthy? Please. Please talk to me. I want to understand you. I want you. I…I love you Shay. Dammit to hell, I can’t hide it or worry about you throwing it back in my face anymore. It’s not because of the baby either. I want you, just you. I – love – you.” She punctuated each of those three little words with a brush of her lips against mine.
‘I love you,’ the words reverberated in my head as I stared down at her. She couldn’t mean it. No one but my mother had ever loved me. My father sure as hell didn’t. He’d loved telling me that every chance he got.
“Why?” I finally asked. “Why would you think that you love me?”
“Oh Shay.” She shook my head between her hands. “Why do you think you’re so unlovable?”
Her words spoken to me so softly and gently brought sudden tears to my eyes. “Because my father told me I was nothing and that no one would ever want me or love me. He was wrong. My mother loved me.” I spat the words out quickly before I had time to rethink and not answer her.
Lyla said nothing. She just looked at me and I closed my eyes unable to meet her gaze while I listened to the loud pounding of my heart in my head. I couldn’t look. I couldn’t stand it if I saw pity in her eyes.
“Jesus Shay. Is your mum-“ I cut her off before she could finish the question.
“Yeah, she’s dead. By the time the breast cancer was detected it was too late. Well, we never really got to find out. She refused any form of treatment. She told me she wanted to live whatever time she had left crossing things off her bucket list. She had no desire to be sick and her hair falling out from chemo.” I lowered my head, tears squeezing out from beneath my eyelids. “It took five months to take from me, the one person I loved more than anything. I helped her live those last months like she’d never lived before.” I opened my eyes. When I met Lyla’s, I could see they shimmered with her own tears. “It was the money she’d left me in her will that paid for this apartment, my house and the Porsche.”
“Oh Shay. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. She obviously loved you though and it’s good that you got to spend the last months of her life together. So what about your father? Were they not together anymore?”
My expression hardened at the mention of the asshole that had helped create me. “He’s still alive. I’m forced to see the bastard every month so he can be sure I’m not causing problems.” I spat the words out angrily. “My mother and he were still together when she died. Not that he gave a shit. She was nothing more than a trophy wife and meal ticket to him. At least that’s the way he treated her. I suspect something happened a long time ago which gave him power over her but if that was the case neither one of them have ever revealed what it was.”
“Maybe she loved him.” Lyla frowned as
she spoke, which made me suspect she didn’t really believe her own attempt at making excuses, for why my parents stayed together. “Sometimes people stay in toxic relationships even when they probably know they should get out.”
I shook my head. “I don’t believe that was why she stayed. If she’d known what happened she’d never have stayed. There’s no way in hell she would have let him-” I stopped abruptly, my heart pounding. I’d nearly let it slip. I’d almost revealed my awful secret to Lyla. The more time I spent around her, the less control I seemed to have over what I said and did.
“What happened?” Her eyes searched mine, eyes that were so filled with pain I had to close mine momentarily to shield myself from the rawness of it. She brought a hand up and placed it on my chest, right over my heart and I knew she would feel it beating hard and fast. There was no way to hide that from her. “Please Shay. Don’t shut me out. Do you want to sit down? Would you prefer I didn’t look at you? What? What will it take for you to open up to me? I need to understand what happened to you. I know it was bad. I know from your reaction at times that you were hurt horribly. I know that you were raped. I know you’ve suffered intolerable things and they still hurt you. Let me take some of your pain, please. I want to help you Shay. I love you.”
Hearing the emotion in her voice. Seeing the look in her eyes. Not disgust but pain. Pain that I think was for me. Hearing those words fall from her lips brought a flood of agonising, ugly memories crashing through me and with a sound like a wounded animal, my knees gave out and I dropped to the floor my arms wrapping around me as I rocked back and forth, in a desperate attempt to comfort myself. The tears I’d tried to hold back, flowing freely down my cheeks.
It was stupid really. How could I comfort myself? My body and mind never let me forget the pain and torment of what he’d done to me. Sure, I’d learnt to protect myself by building walls around my emotions, by playing a part and projecting a very different version of who I was to the outside world so no one would ever learn the truth.
Sex God Page 29
