“I get it Shay. You don’t need to say it. I know. I worked that one out. Sex was your escape, wasn’t it? Sex gave you the control you didn’t have when your father pimped you out like you were his damn whore.”
He didn’t answer, he simply nodded. “It wasn’t just the escape. It was the fact I found something I was good at and women lined up for me. Men wanted to be me. I was wanted and respected. Women were drawn to the wrapping and yet they never knew that on the inside I was nothing. It was all an act. An act so they wouldn’t see the truth. That’s why it’s only ever one night. Fuck them and get rid of them. I couldn’t have them stay because.” He sighed. “Well, you know why. You found out what it’s like to spend a night with me.” His eyes rose to mine again. “You’ve seen the other side of me. I hurt and I cause pain to keep women away. To stop them wanting more from me than I could give them. I never wanted them anyway. They didn’t want me. They wanted the illusion. They wanted the image. I was like a prize, a trophy. They didn’t want me, the man: Shay. They wanted the Sex God.” He snorted with disgust. “If they knew they were being fucked by someone who bent over for nearly three fucking years taking it up the ass like a good fucking boy would they have been so keen to have my dick in them then?”
The anger, bitterness and raw pain in his voice caused a physical ache in my heart. All his emotions made sense but one. His self-loathing and the obvious disgust he felt towards himself broke my heart. He didn’t deserve anything that had happened to him, and he sure as hell didn’t deserve to carry so much pain inside. Thinking about his father made me so angry. I loathed the detestable, evil animal that had done this to his own son.
“You are so wrong Shay. You have done nothing wrong. You were a boy. I don’t care if you were a teenager. You said that vile creature treated you badly all your life. He conditioned you to have no self-esteem. He made you believe you were unworthy. It’s a form of brainwashing. He isn’t an asshole. He’s so much worse than that. You are not bad. Please believe that. I don’t care about those other women and if they wanted the Sex God more than the man. They were fools because they don’t see what I see. I want the man. I want you.” I said softly, moving around him and dropping kisses wherever I could on him. When I was facing him, I reached up, linking my hands at the back of his neck, tugging his lips down to mine. “I love you. I know those words scare you and I don’t expect you to say them to me. I just want you to know how I feel.” As the last words left my lips, I kissed him, a slow, gentle kiss. A kiss that I hope conveyed to him all the love I felt for him. A kiss that I hoped would comfort him and show him that he didn’t have to face the nightmares and the memories that plagued him, alone anymore.
When he finally broke the kiss, leaning back to meet my eyes, my heart ached at the vulnerability and uncertainty I saw in them. “I don’t know why.” He whispered and my heart contracted at his words. “How can you look at me with anything other than disgust? I let my father pimp me to those men to help pay off his debt. I allowed myself to be restrained and fucked hard, over and over again.” His eyes dropped again, colour tinging his cheeks. “The worst of it all is…” He paused, swallowing noisily. “Many times, I got hard and…and sometimes…sometimes I came.” He closed his eyes as if to shut out the pain but it was clearly impossible when the nightmare of his memories was playing out in his head.
Angry with the shame and embarrassment I saw on his face, I brought my hands up to cup his cheeks. “Don’t.” I snapped at him fiercely. “Don’t you dare feel bad for that. You were a teenage boy. You were not getting off on it at all. Your body was performing an involuntary response. Nothing more. I hate that you feel bad and ashamed. Your father is the one who should feel bad and ashamed. He should be grovelling at your feet, begging for forgiveness but from what you’ve said, that won’t happen because like so many abusive assholes like him, they can’t see when they’re at fault. They blame others and they shame their victims. He’s trained you Shay. He’s trained you to believe that you are bad and that people will be disgusted if they learn the truth. No, that won’t happen. He should be fucking locked up with the other two. Stop blaming yourself. Please, stop blaming yourself.”
Shay pulled away from me and began to pace restlessly, talking as he walked back and forth, clearly agitated. “The only thing I am pleased about with all this is that my mother never found out. My father liked to threaten me. He’d threaten to tell her how I’d bend over and submit to being ‘done’ up the ass as he put it, and he would tell me what it would do to her if she ever found out. I’m just glad I never saw my shame reflected in her eyes. It would have killed me if she’d ever looked at me that way. She died still loving me.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed about Shay. None of this was your fault. Your father is a vile, despicable person. He controlled you and manipulated you for his own gain. Oh how I’d love to meet him and tell him exactly what I think of him.”
That made him stop pacing. “Why would you want to see him? Don’t you believe me? Do you think I’m lying? I know what you’re thinking. You think at the age I was at that I should have stopped him. That’s what you’re thinking, right?” The anguish on his face tore at me and I rushed over to him, stopping him before he could do another lap of the room.
“No Shay. God no. I believe you. I’ve seen what this has done to you. What he has done to you. I don’t believe for one moment that you should have been able to stop him. I know that when someone is controlled most of their lives that they are too fearful, too brainwashed and too manipulated to try and stop it happening to them.” I grasped his arm to stop his restless movements. ”He started conditioning you from a young age like any asshole abuser and he’s made you believe you are bad but you’re not.” I reached up to trail my fingers across his brow and down his cheek, keeping my touch light over the bruises my brother had given him. “You are nothing that your father has told you that you are. You need to start believing that. When do you go to him again?”
“The order to go to him will come in about a week.” He told me.
“So what would happen if you didn’t go?”
“He will expose what happened, what I did. He has photos of some of the…the times when…” He swallowed and I raised up on my toes to kiss his cheek.
“Don’t Shay…please. It’s ok. I know what you’re saying.” I gave him a reassuring smile. “How about I come with you when you go to see him next?”
He shook his head. “No Lyla. He’s my problem. I’m not subjecting you to someone like my father. You are good and kind, and sweet. He is everything that is cruel and evil.” He sighed. “I need a shower. All this talk of my past is making me feel dirty.” A shiver passed through his body and I knew our conversation was over.
The look in his eyes damn near shredded me and I frantically searched for something to lighten his mood. I needed to bring him back from the dark place he was right now.
Shooting him what I hoped was a saucy kind of smile, I fluttered my eyelashes at him. “A shower sounds perfect. Can I join you? If you remember, I did say I needed one earlier.”
For a few moments he said nothing, his silvery eyes simply wandering over my face and I could almost hear the cogs turning in his brain. I suspected he was silently questioning my motive behind the request to join him, but then the frown marring his brow lifted. His whole expression changed, a lazy smile curving up his lips and I knew straight away he’d retreated behind his Sex God persona again.
“Of course you can, sexy girl.” His voice had that panty melting, deep tone to it and I smiled at him. He was in self-preservation mode I knew, but I let him go. I wasn’t going to force him to drop the act. He’d told me so much tonight, and revealed things he’d had bottled up inside him for years. I could cut the man some slack and let him do what he needed to do to feel back in control. For tonight, at least.
Chapter Twenty Five
Shay
I felt drained. Totally fucking drained. I was both emotionally and phys
ically spent. I’d told Lyla everything and she was still here. I couldn’t believe it. She hadn’t run out the door as fast as her legs could carry her. She wasn’t looking at me like I was something unpleasant she’d found on the sole of her shoe. In fact, she was looking at me with warmth and concern in her eyes.
After telling her everything, I wasn’t sure what to think anymore. I felt confused and exposed. I felt vulnerable and unsure. I literally had no idea what would happen from here and absolutely no control over anything anymore.
I really needed that shower. It was always the same when I saw my father or thought of him and that time in my life. I felt dirty and the only way to feel less dirty, was to get in the shower and scrub my skin until it was nearly red and raw. It was the only way I knew to try and feel clean.
Not this time though. Lyla knew all my dark and horrible secrets and she was still here. As scared as I’d been to tell her everything, somehow the fact she knew them all and she hadn’t looked at me in a way that would have increased my shame, took that frantic compulsion out of my need to shower. I still wanted to have one, but I no longer felt the need to scrub until I nearly removed a layer of skin.
I nibbled on my lower lip as I thought back over all that had transpired this evening. Did she mean it. Did Lyla really love me? Was I really loveable though? The look in her eyes was still the same despite her knowing all the awful truths of my past. She didn’t believe it was my fault or that I should have been able to stop my father. If anything, she had tried to convince me that years of control and manipulation would have made it impossible to stop him.
“Are you going to stand here all night staring at the wall or are we going to have a shower?” Lyla’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. “Because someone took advantage of me earlier in my shop’s restroom and I’m feeling a little sticky.”
Her words had the desired effect and I couldn’t hold back my smile when I turned to her, seeing the cheeky grin on her face. God, she was beautiful. So fucking gorgeous and I wanted to tell her how I felt. It had to be love. This feeling that the sun rose and set because of her. That the warmth that radiated out through my limbs to my fingers and toes when she smiled at me: was love. Just the fact I’d opened up to her, something I hadn’t done with anyone else. That had to be love. The need I felt with her. Not just to be inside her all the time but to be with her and to watch her. To see every single emotion on her beautiful face. It had to be love.
But most of all it was the way I’d felt during the time she’d been gone from my life. I’d been in my own private hell and with no way out, or so it had seemed. Leo coming to the gym and hitting me had not only knocked some sense into me, it had given me the excuse to man up. To stop running and hiding from her, and the way she made me feel. He’d given me an excuse to come to her.
The fact she was carrying my baby scared the hell out of me. I’d spent my life being so careful that nothing like this could happen. I’d never had sex without a condom and I’d never gone back for more. Lyla was different though. I’d gone back. I’d wanted her more than once, and that day in her room when her brother burst his way in, was the day she had conceived. It had to be then. The day the condom half came off because by her own admission, she’d already been pregnant when she came to my home while I was sick.
“Looks like I’ll be having that shower alone.” Lyla’s voice drew my attention again and this time, she really got my attention when I saw her pulling her dress over her head.
Seeing her standing there in just her bra and panties really accentuated the curve of her stomach where our baby lay. She looked stunning. Her body filling out and ripening with our child did nothing to detract from her sexiness. That revelation surprised me. I never would have suspected I’d be attracted to a pregnant woman but maybe it was because it was this woman and she was pregnant with my child?
“You’re stunning.” I told her, my voice cracking with emotion and she shot me a smile so filled with what looked like love that I had to fight the tears that burned at the backs of my eyes.
“So are you.” She replied. “You are the sexiest man I’ve ever laid eyes on. The day in the apartment when I’d just given my fake orgasm demonstration for Jeff and I saw you and Leo, once I got over the initial mortification that I’d had an audience for that, I was captivated by the sight of you. It’s no wonder women throw themselves at you.”
I curled up my lip at her words. “They didn’t want me Lyla. They wanted the illusion. It was all about boasting to their friends that they landed the Sex God. Not one of them ever really showed much interest in wanting to know anything about me. Some didn’t even want to leave the club with me. I was paraded around like a prize bull before their friends.” I smiled. “But then there was you. From the moment, I followed your brother into the apartment and got to watch you emasculate your boyfriend, I wanted you. Not just to have sex with you. It was more than that. It was an overwhelming desire to show you what it was like to have an orgasm you didn’t have to fake.”
She gave me a look of surprise. “Really? It seemed to me like you were more concerned with not getting involved.” She shot me an amused look. “Come on. Admit it. You thought once I had that big old dick of yours inside me I’d be following you around like some sort of lovesick puppy.”
I frowned at her, unsure if she was teasing me or not. “I’ve always tried to avoid commitment and you’ve always been in relationships. That was enough to make me nervous. Anyway, there have been some women who get all clingy after having my ‘big old dick’ inside of them.” I tossed her words back at her.
“Well maybe you shouldn’t be so good at it.” She shot me a look from under her lashes that heated my blood.
“I went above and beyond with you Lyla. I wanted you to have an experience you would never forget, so I put every effort into giving you the best sex of your life. I’ve never worked that hard to please a woman believe me.”
Lyla began to walk towards me, excitement flashing in her eyes but I couldn’t stay focused on them. Instead my gaze moved down her body, taking in every beautiful curve and line as I watched her approach.
When she reached me, she raised her face to mine and I watched helplessly as her tongue came out, circling her lips, leaving a sheen of moisture on them as she slipped a hand down inside the waistband of my dress pants until she found my semi erect cock.
“Are you going to talk all night or are we going to go and have that shower baby?” She asked and I felt ridiculously elated by her endearment. I wasn’t used to it. Sure, women called me all sorts of different endearments, but the difference between them and Lyla, was there was no emotion behind theirs. She made the word ‘baby’ sound like an intimate caress. The way she lowered her voice a little as it rolled off her tongue, and her eyes flashed with something that made my heart skitter out of control in my chest.
“I don’t know.” I replied. “Do you want to have a shower? Is this all about getting clean or are you looking to get dirty first? Are you hoping I will fuck you?” I dropped my eyes to watch the movement of her hand beneath my pants. “Which is it sexy girl? If you want me to fuck you, you only have to ask.”
“We’re supposed to be having a shower.” She said, her tone husky.
“Ok then.” I pulled her hand out from my pants and stepped back. “Stroking my cock isn’t a necessary part of preparing for a shower you know.” I teased.
I dropped my head to hide my smile when I saw the flash of frustration in her eyes. She was after more than a shower for sure. I just needed to push her into asking for it. With my eyes on hers I unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it to the floor before unbuckling my belt, stripping it from the waistband where it too hit the carpet. My fingers popped open the button of my pants and carefully dragged down the zipper over my erection before letting them fall from my hips to the floor where I stepped out of them leaving me naked.
Not breaking eye contact with Lyla, I raised my arms above my head and made a show of stretching before h
er, making sure I flexed so each muscle bunched and popped for her.
“So, are you ready for that shower now?” I asked her, keeping my tone as neutral as possible.
“You are evil Shay.” She muttered, reaching up to unclip her bra, letting it fall to the floor before dragging her panties down until they fell around her ankles and she stepped out of them.
“Why?” I raised an eyebrow at her, feigning a level of calm I was far from feeling. I was on familiar ground now. Playing the whole seduction scene. Teasing and tantalising. Waiting to see if I could tempt her and break her. Wanting to know if she would give into me. Hell, she knew just by looking at me that I was up for giving her what she wanted. I couldn’t fake a hard on, but I wasn’t going to make this easy for her. She had to play the game.
“Because of that.” She waved a hand vaguely at me and I laughed. The sound startling me, because I realised it was the first time I’d really laughed out loud in a long time.
Sex God Page 31
