When you pass away and meet Bahman, he will know exactly how much you donated to his temples throughout your life. It would be highly embarrassing for you if he looked upon you and saw you had only donated a pittance. Don't forget, Bahman was very charitable in his lifetime, donating untold millions to the less fortunate. A general guideline to adhere to, a minimum of 15% of your gross salary should be donated to the church every month. That is just enough for us to perform our basic duties spreading the good word and preparing our faithful for eventual entry into the great cave. Of course, if dogs would donate more than that, we would be able to perform even more good.
There are some dogs that have been lead astray by the hucksters calling themselves vicars of Soupman. It seems that these lost souls have been convinced by the vicars that, by donating to both The Holy Temple of Bahman and the Modern Church of Soupman, they can 'cover all their bases'. This is a terrible fallacy. Donating to that flying alien's cockamamie cult is exactly the same as worshiping Soupman; as accepting him as your messiah.
This is not up for debate, you simply cannot worship two messiahs. By donating to both churches, you deny yourself the possibility of ever entering the great cave in the sky. Bahman will tolerate no division of loyalties. Give your full donation to The Holy Temple of Bahman from now on, and perhaps you will be forgiven for your misstep when you are judged by the butler at the entrance to the cave. Perhaps there is still a slight chance he will let you pass if you repent immediately and never stray again.
Any clergy-dog that tries to tell you that his religion is somehow easier, simpler, more fun and less work is obviously not to be trusted. There is nothing easy, simple or fun about worship. It's meant to be arduous. You can't just show up whenever you feel like getting out of bed, light a candle, say a prayer and call it a day.
You have to be there at the break of dawn every Sunday and on every holy holiday, and listen to the entire sermon. You have to confess your sins and you have to put in the work to better yourself in the eyes of the Master. The Soups think that by singing joyful songs and dancing around the church like elated mental deficients, spouting gibberish, they are somehow 'modern' or 'progressive' or 'fun'. If you want fun and games, go sit in a circus tent, not in a church.
Religion is about abstaining from the things that make you gleeful, about denying yourself the carnal pleasures, about fasting and purifying, about confessing and repenting, about sacramental manduction, about doing everything you possibly can to avoid eternal damnation in the clown prince's unspeakable hellfire. This is not a game, and perhaps anyone that allows himself to believe a buffoon vicar's easy lies deserves the dreadful fate that awaits him in the afterlife. Perhaps the Soups secretly worship the clown prince. It would explain their jovial behavior, their constant celebration and all their barely-disguised evil tendencies.
Perhaps all Soups are here on earth to test our faith, to take every possible opportunity to corrupt Bahmanite souls and condemn them forever. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turned out that the Soups drank blood and sacrificed newborns to their true master, who sits and watches us from his throne in his fiery lair hidden in the earth's core and cackles incessantly every time one of our faithful is corrupted by his deviant servants.
Ask yourselves, my pups. Is it really worth the risk to play with fire? If something is too good to be true, isn't it usually the case that you are being swindled? What sense does it make really, that Soupman could be so compassionate and accepting? So undemanding? How does he never show anger? Isn't it odd that he would allow such loud, expressive, uncontrolled joyousness in his place of worship? It's just not logical that an all-powerful alien entity would act in this disorderly manner.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Police Officer
Man, rookie, you wouldn't believe the emails some of these wackos send each other, it's total madness. You would have heard of a lot of these dogs I've been watching too, real big shots. Real kinky too, almost without exception.
There's this one guy, married for twenty years, really well respected in his line of work, always emailing these way-out photos to this little college hottie he met at a sci-fi convention. Guy takes all his clothes off, climbs into these over sized hamster cages he keeps in his basement, ties a ribbon around his junk, and sets the camera to snap away. There's no space in there, so he's all curled up with his head against his knees, drooling all over himself, red in the face, looking like he's about to suffocate.
And that's not even the interesting part. A few days later, she sends him photos she took of him in a cage, only now she's poking him with needles through the cage, and the guy's covered in blood, and loving every minute of it. She's wearing all her clothes, and has this completely normal ho-hum expression on her face, like she's washing the dishes or something. Pushes a crap-load of needles right into this fat little pervert like it's nothing.
He responds to that email telling her he jacked off to the photos, and it was the best night of his life and when can they do it again. And oh yeah, not to worry about the wife, he can just drug her again like last time. Girl responds saying she'll only come back if she can have some alone time with the out-cold wife. Guy says no problem, come on over, she'll be drugged and waiting.
Man, I can't wait to see the photos they take of that session, that's gonna be some freaked out shit. One to take home with me. I hope the girl keeps her iYglass on her head this time, though. Last time she took it off and the angle was too low to see anything, but I got some really awesome audio.
It's pretty cool man, I can choose who I want to follow, I have a quota of three-hundred saps a month to meet. Gotta read all their emails, chats, look at all their photos and videos, watch them in their sitting rooms and offices, plod through their weird ass unconscious thoughts. And I get to choose whoever I want. Well, most of the good celebrities are already taken by other cops, especially the ladies. But I've got a few D-listers. Some of them have surprisingly decent jugs.
They make us spend equal time monitoring males and females, otherwise all the guys on the force would just watch the ladies 24/7. But actually, you get bored of watching girls all day anyway, after a while I mean. Guys are a lot weirder, way more interesting subjects.
Thanks to iYglass, now we can patch into a live video feed pretty much 24/7, so it's gotten much easier to see some skin. In the morning when they're getting dressed in front of their mirrors, I've got like a hundred feeds going at once. It's fucking crazy, man. Like a burst of naked hotness all at once. I just wish my eyes could take it all in at once, there's so much I miss. Have to keep rewinding.
A lot of times, when you find someone really hot to tag, the other cops all cram into your office to get a look at her, and they'll offer to trade you like three of their ones for your find. I only agree to trade if there's a cash incentive added, too. One of the guys was so into this one girl I found that he gave me ten of his girls, plus two thousand oonos. I think he must have known her from high school or something, he would have done anything to get her.
It's been much easier being a cop since they filled the streets with drones. Now that we don't have to ride around looking for jaywalkers all day, we can get some real police work done. It's really revolutionized policing and made the job a hell of a lot more fun for everyone.
Sure, we barely ever leave our desks now, but why would we? We've got the whole fucking world at our fingertips here. You see a hot little mess waiting tables at a truck stop? Get her name, log in to the database, add her to your file, and away you go. In a few days, you'll know her better than anyone in her life. Your neighbor's daughter just hit puberty? Leave no stone unturned, man, gotta keep the public safe from themselves.
Damn, I love being a cop.
You'll get to be a data analyst too soon enough, you've just gotta keep at it. Keep on running through the perps the drones bring in, and eventually they'll promote you out of processing and to one of the data mining departments, and maybe you can sit in the office right next to mine.
I'll even give you some of my girls to get you started. The ones I'm done with, I mean. Not the ones that are actually worth something. Just hang in there, man, it'll get better.
In the mean time, if you've got an ex-girlfriend you want me to keep an eye on, let me know. I've helped a lot of guys out with that. I can know every move she makes, practically before she makes it, as long as I watch her long enough. She'd have to be really hot though, to be worth my time. And there would be a small fee, of course. I bill by the hour.
There was this little whore I used to spend some quality time with every so often, but she went and got hitched and cut me off. She was the first one I added to my file, been watching her everyday, ever since. Her husband sure likes pounding her ass, practically never goes near her other holes, just wants non stop ass every time.
I've got a bunch of footage from his iYglass of him sitting at gay bars trying to get up the nerve to finally give in to his unnatural urges. I'm just waiting for him to go through with it so I can send her the evidence. Anonymously, of course. Then she should let me bang her again. I'll stay well away from her ass, though, after seeing the way he uses it up.
We're also hooked up to all the drones by the way, can even take control of them. You can get some killer down-blouse and up-skirt shots that way. You've gotta be careful though, if you press the wrong button you can accidentally blast a hole in the girl you're following. Happened to me once, was stalking this super-fine jogger in the park, meant to zoom in on her boobs, but I hit the trigger instead. It worked out okay though, I just blamed it on hackers. They totally bought it.
But maybe practice a bit with the drone's controls first, before you choose someone to stalk. Just some advice. Every rookie makes mistakes, and when it happens to you, just remember our motto, “Deny, deny, deny.” As long as you don't do something completely ridiculous like use a drone to shoot up the station, you'll probably get away with it.
There's even someone on the force I know about who uses drones to disappear his bookies when they try to collect. Just drops them in the middle of the ocean. It's pretty effective if there's someone you need to get rid of. That same guy also has a drone following his girlfriend around 24/7, he's pretty paranoid. Nice guy, though. I'll introduce you when you get the promotion. You could learn a lot from him, guy's got real skills.
Now don't get me wrong, we have to do at least a little work watching the fringe groups, immigrants and minorities. It's not hard though, all the extremists do when they meet is sit around drinking tea and talk about how they want to 'make the world a better place' and how pathetic and sad they all are seeing 'all the unfairness' around them. It's pretty funny. You just have to take some notes and file them with the recordings, is all. They're careful not to use any trigger words or organize rallies and protests or anything. They know the law pretty well, the little wieners.
Every couple of months, the feds will plant one of their agents in one of the groups to try and rile them up and incite some good old fashioned violence. When that happens, we have to double the time we spend watching them, no biggie. Unfortunately, they usually don't take the bait, so the feds end up having to plant some evidence on them to break up the group. Whatever gets the job done.
The immigrants and minorities are easier to watch, you can just choose a couple at random and see what they're up to. Usually they're just cleaning or praying or lining up outside government buildings waiting for their papers. Probably the most boring part of the job. But it gets more interesting when the feds radicalize one of them and send him on a bullshit suicide attack, that shit is hilarious. Dumb saps.
The 'iYglass for Everyone' program has really been a godsend. It's like the golden era of policing down here. You're a real lucky dog, to be joining the force in these awesome times. And just wait until you see the vending machines we've got down here, they put the crappy little one you rookies have up in processing to shame. Man, we're really living the good life.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Judge
Mr. Fifi, you were right, it was a cinch, I just met the quota in under a week; sentenced precisely a thousand petty lawbreakers to a decade in your state of the art mega prisons. Outlawing growing trees and grass was truly a brilliant stroke of genius, bravo sir. We can incarcerate twenty times as many dogs than before these laws came into effect. With a thousand new workers at your disposal, you should be able to meet the government's deadline with plenty of time to spare. You can get those new tanks built up and ready to send off to the war.
Give me around another week, and I'll have another thousand felons ready for work. I saw on the news that the Fifi Corporation just got the contract for the new armored vehicles and the underwater mines, too. Will a thousand inmate workers be enough or should I shoot for more? Just say the word, and I'll throw the book at jaywalkers and speeding motorists just as hard if I have to.
Actually, I was thinking, you could lobby to outlaw shrubbery too, that would really help climb the numbers of arrests our officers could make. I'm always seeing shameless shrub growers in my neighborhood, carefully pruning their bushes, acting so smugly, as if they've found a loophole in the law, so there's ample justification for it. They would undoubtedly find something else to use if we banned shrubs, so we could continue to prosecute public urinators, too. Even though the users are obviously not as valuable a target as the growers, it's certainly still very profitable to convict them.
If you are given the contract to build the new tiny 'cockroach-drones, we're going to really need to get that conviction rate sky-high, we'll need to triple our workforce at least. Maybe put a law on the table outlawing scratching in public? That could really do the trick. It's absolutely sickening how many unemployed there are out there, littering the streets. The more we put to work, the better off society will be. It's really a compassionate service that we're providing here when you think about it. For the greater good.
I just tried that sniveling little wannabe revolutionary accountant you sent me today, couldn't have gone smoother. He's truly a despicable little weed, isn't he sir? I couldn't even dream of charging you for that conviction, it's completely on the house. I'm just glad we finally got him, thanks to that Fidelbrook character.
The weedy revolutionary has been riling up the peasants unhampered for far too long with his dangerous blogging. I really threw the book at him, so you won't have to worry about him spreading dissent in your prisons, his execution date is already set. Managed to get a long list of unsolved crimes off the books too. I'm sure your warden will show him a good time when he arrives at your fine facility, sir. I hear the guards in the death row wing are especially prone to violent outbursts.
Actually Mr. Fifi, I have some ideas for streamlining our process a little bit, if you have time to hear them? I was thinking, now that Mr. Rumplefort's Nureongi prison camps are open and filling up overseas; providing the government with even cheaper labor than your domestic prisons can provide, you could devise a way to get Orninican prisoners stripped of their citizenship, so you can stop paying them the oono a day you're forced to pay them.
Maybe set up a mega prison offshore, perhaps on one of the corporation's old out of use oil rigs, so you don't have to follow health and safety regulations, and ship these new citizenship-less inmates over. You could even hold them indefinitely, and use, shall we say, unorthodox methods to discipline them and convince them to work. I estimate this could as much as halve your overhead.
We'd need to use the 'aiding the enemy' laws we already have on the books when we try these criminals, in order to revoke their citizenship. I'm thinking we could arrest anyone overheard saying anything slightly un-Orninican. I was in the lobby of my hotel the other day, and I heard a cheeky young dog say that he thinks the drone initiative is a violation of the constitution. That's traitor talk, pure and simple; a perfect candidate to be shipped off to an offshore mega prison. I took down his name and identification number just in case.
If you think I'm onto something and decid
e to go forward with my idea, I'd love to be a shareholder in the endeavor. Maybe even sit on the board of directors, if you think I've earned it? I really think it's a top-notch project to pursue, sir. After all, you're going to absolutely need to compete with the Nureongi work-camps somehow. I could even possibly re-try a lot of your existing inmates under the aiding the enemy laws to transfer them offshore.
It would especially be effective if we expanded the treason laws to include verbal attacks against police officers, drones, judges, postal workers, hospital staff, etc. An attack on any public official is an attack on the great Orninican nation and should be regarded as an act of treason.
I don't think your politicians would charge too much for that, and I can even write the amendment to the laws myself for a much lower price than a professional lobbyist would charge. I know how frugal you are, Mr. Fifi. After all, you didn't get to be the richest dog the world has ever seen by wasting money.
If for some reason my offshore prison idea doesn't agree with you, sir, we could always have the inmates designated as interns of the Fifi corporation. That always works for me, when I need new staffers. Don't have to pay them a penny. We could call it a work training program, teach them valuable skills they can use upon release. In a factory in some other country, of course.
It really is a lot easier to get things done during war time, sir. The Nureongi's attack on us was such a wonderful blessing. And it couldn't have come at a better time. In the past, we had to be much more subtle in actuating our various projects, but now we don't even need to worry about it. No need to use convoluted doublespeak to confuse the public into compliance, and we only rarely need to resort to secret courts and secret laws.
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